Dante Saves You: Robot Edition

Evil animals, crazy movie terrorists, giant monsters, ninjas, vampires, zombies, dinosaurs, and aliens. Is there anything left for me to teach you how to defeat? Oh. Robots. Whether they are from space or created by us because god thought it’d be funny to give us the ability to create us but without compassion, robots are bastards.

It doesn’t matter if they are big or small you cant reason with a robot. Begging does nothing since they use your tears for lubricant. So I’m gonna show you how to beat these things or at the very least hide long enough for your kids to be eaten instead. And this time shitting will not save your life. Robots cant taste. Sorry.

Cool Its The Terminator.

You don’t even have to go to the future to have one of these all up in your face. They come back to the past just to catch one White lady with a bad haircut. Yeah, they want her but these things will kill just about anyone to complete their mission.

And they look like this! fap fap fap fap fap...!

But not always! You are not guaranteed to have a naked hot chick chasing you around. Its usually a giant Austrian man. A giant naked Austrian man! And you don’t need that kind of stress in your life at this current time.

Solution.

"It's a small world after all! It's a small world after all!"

Fucking run! Okay, I get it. You want to be a hero. The first thing you have to realize is that you cant beat these by hiding. They can sense your heat through walls. Hell, they can tell your height and weight just by glancing at you. So what you really need to do is charge the damned thing.

"Hey, is that asshole really charging at us?"

Yeah, I know that sounds crazy but there’s no running from this. After like four films and a series Terminators are still trying to kill the same two people. You have to just rush at him and beat the shit out of him with a metal baseball bat. “Why not use a gun?” Have you ever seen a gun work against one of these killing machines?! You have to trick them into walking into a spark factory so it melts or freeze it. Then hit it with a bat.

Hey You Found An Iron Giant.

You find a huge fucking robot that has the brain capacity of a child. If that doesn’t send red flag warnings through your brain then you probably deserve anything bad that happens to you. I mean, its cool that you have a robot the size of a building all to yourself but once you have to head to work or school he is free to do whatever he wants.

Child Protective Services should be arriving any moment now.

And what does he want? I bet you were so wrapped up in the fact that you had your very own robot that you never bothered to ask yourself some very important questions like “Where the fuck did this come from?” and “Will it rape me?” Coincidentally the same two questions you should wonder on blind dates.

Solution.

"Please let that be a gun...!"

Turns out your friendly robot is actually a giant killing machine that has weapons the government hasn’t even begun to imagine. I’m talking about laser guns, laser cannons, and even laser lasers! This thing was either sent here to destroy the planet or just to eliminate your dumb ass.

"Hey, I can see Astoria from here!" - Left Laser Cannon Of Death Head.

The army cant stop him. Your best bet is to try and remind the thing that you helped fix him when he broke down. Oh, and it cant die. Even though a nuclear weapon can break it, homing devices and shit will make it self repair eventually. And by eventually I mean soon in which case he will return and fuck Shooter McGavin up!

You’ve Just Met Lore.

You are on the USS Enterprise. Stardate--who gives a fuck?! You're on a spaceship! The ship hasn’t been attacked by any honked up aliens in hours, the engine room isn’t moments from exploding, and no one you know has been jettisoned into space this week. Everything is looking groovy so far! Oh, and look. There’s Data! Hey, wait a second. That’s his evil twin brother, Lore! Son of a bitch!

Solution.

"You didn't need these, right?! Hahaha!"

Lore is an asshole. A robot asshole which I imagine looks like the top of a soda can. He has an emotion chip which for whatever reason he uses to treat everyone like shit. Hell, he even has his creator murdered! Though he doesn’t look like it he is a robot and that means he is stronger than your retarded cousin that one time you gave him a candy bar and he flipped that car over. How crazy was that?!

You cant see it but Data is torn up inside.

What you could do is deactivate him. Yeah, sounds easy but its really not. This fool has already proved that he is capable of having people murdered. If you have a phaser use the damned thing and then remove the emotion chip from him, crush it, and then crunch him in some kinda space compacter. Then shit in it.

Awesome Its Johnny 5.

So the government creates a team of robots called SAINTS which stands for Strategic Artificially Intelligent Nuclear Transport. There is not one single good word in that entire acronym! One day one of them gets struck by lightning and becomes a happy go lucky toy that calls himself Johnny 5 after hearing El Debarge on the radio. Look up that entire group and you will know why that is not a good group to model anything after.

Especially clothing. Yeesh...

It is a killing machine. It has a damned laser cannon on its shoulder. It acts all cute and funny but so did the Transformers at a certain point. Next thing you know shit gets real and you got poop running down your legs. Which I pointed out earlier means nothing to robots.

Solution.

You can tell its angry by its--you know what? Its a robot! Its always angry!

Don’t be fooled by the fact that it dances in circles and sings to itself. If that was cool 45% of homeless people would be on American Idol. As soon as it turns its back you smash it with a hammer. Aim for all its exposed important parts. It’d be like if guys had their dicks on their hands or if chicks had their boobs right on the front of their bodies. How silly would that be?!

Turns out not silly at all!

Holy Shit Its ED-209.

I don’t even know how you ended up in a situation where you’re face to face with this abomination. This is never a good idea. It has cannons. It has rocket launchers. It has grenade launchers. But it was made to replace and/or help the police. Yeah…but no. No. If it tells you to drop your weapon just get right with god because though it can talk it does not listen.

That's what my ex-wife used to say about me! Buh-dum-bum!

Though it has safety settings, like the fact it cant kill employees of the company, as soon as your ass is fired you become a target. It doesn’t even fact check. You can just point and say “Hey, Susan just got fired!” and boom. Susan dead. This robot is a robot version of every asshole you knew in school.

Solution.

Wow. Just...wow.

Stairs. For some reason they created a machine that had enough weapons to kill a riot but for somehow they built it so that it could not walk down stairs. I’m not talking about weird stairs either. Just regular ass stairs! Something that even the smallest of animals can do!

Three steps away from world domination.

So while it is reading you your rights just quickly leave the room, keep your head down, and walk downstairs and wave to this goofy asshole. I cant believe no one bothered to see if it could walk downstairs or not. This is easily the evilest and dumbest robot on this list.