Dante Saves You: Insane Movie Terrorists Edition

Okay, let’s see how far we’ve come. I’ve shown you how to mangle zombies, vampires, giant monsters, ninjas, dinosaurs, and aliens. This time we’re going to handle something though far more realistic and human its still difficult because of a crazy factor: Insane Movie Terrorists.

Some we’ll have to face on a plane, some on a boat, and some all around the damn city. Either way its gravy because I’m not all right in the head and I am willing to get you to do anything to save me. I mean you. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I will show you how to handle each of these nutjobs.

So You’re On Air Force One.

I don’t know why you’re on this plane. You’re not the President, Han Solo, or a part of the First Family. But here you are and guess what? The plane is taken over by crazy ass Gary Oldman as Egor Korshunov who is making demands which sucks because the President just made a huge speech talking about how he doesn’t negotiate with terrorists. Oh, and he brought friends with lots of guns!

"I...love...guns!"

Solution.

Gotcha, bitch!

Be a hero. This is probably the only time I’ll suggest this by the way. You’re on a plane that is full of hiding spaces which in Dantanian translate to “surprise ass kicking’s.” While Egor keeps on sending his men out you help the President by taking these assholes out one by one.

"Admit it! Greedo did not shoot first!"

After helping win this battle you will get a fucking medal. You know why? Because you just helped save the leader of the free world! Worst case scenario he catches the President and has a gun to his face like above. Then you smile and start laughing as if you are with the bad guy. Then you kick him in the nuts, elbow to the top of the head, and tea bag him. Mission accomplished.

So You’re Under Siege.

Shit. You’re at sea with Steven Seagal, Gary Busey, and Tommy Lee Jones. That would be bad enough (or a punchline to a joke that could never live up to the setup). But two of these three guys are psychotic and one is a cook. Yeah. By the way, Seagal is the cook. Let’s say there’s just too much for him to take on. These guys plan on selling the nuclear missiles to North Korea which sucks because…seriously? Do I have to tell you why that’s bad?!

Solution.

Wow, Bruce Springsteen's totally changed...

You know, I know that I have said that you shouldn’t try and reason with any crazy people. It’s a complete waste of time and you will be doing nothing but wasting your oxygen trying to convince two nuts and their entire crew on the ship that plans on getting rich by selling weapons that can wipe out the world that they're wrong. But I beseech you: Don’t try to reason with these guys!

Seriously.

You’re going to have to fight dirty as fuck. I mean hell shit damn fuck ass dirty. Flinging poop, peeing in their mouths, and/or farting in their mouths. These guys obviously have a goal (as dumb as it is) and followers (who are dumb as hell) but you have something they don’t: Fear. That will make you do strange shit.

Strange, awesome shit.

So You’re Passenger 57.

Uh-oh. You’re on a plane with a guy that looks like he chases Blackers for funsies. Look at that guy. His name is Charles “Rane Of Terror” Rane. Did shivers just go down your spine? He’s taken out the FBI agents that are supposed to be watching him and its up to you to stop him. Try not to get lost in his eyes. Oh, and his henchmen are on board working because, face it, in 1992 security was lax.

Solution.

White men still cant jump though.

Aw, shit. He knows how to throw them ‘bows (as us Blackers say)! This isn’t the normal type of terrorist that never gets his hands dirty. He can fight and isn’t afraid of Blade one bit. Since you know this dude has nothing to lose and everything to gain he is gonna fight dirty as hell. But as a Dantanian you’re gonna fight even dirtier.

Awkward...

Use this, um, hold…? Try to keep this bastard down until someone else on the plane stops huffing oxygen long enough to actually be useful. The entire time make sure you scream loudly. No one expects that shit since everyone wants to be the strong and silent type. Fuck that. Scream like a little girl the entire time. Its unsettling.

So You’re Planning To Die Hard With A Vengeance.

Somehow you killed this guys brother a while ago and he’s holding a grudge. As the great Denzel Washington said in Training Day “Fuck ‘em and everyone that looks like ‘em.” This asshole has you and Samuel L. Jackson running around solving riddles. Meanwhile he’s stealing a shit ton of gold!

Oh, and wear this.

Shit.

Solution.

"777-9311?"

I’m a Blacker so me wearing this sign would just get odd stares. But say you’re not me. You’re some poor sumbitch that is told to wear this and go to Harlem. Fuck that. This guy has started blowing shit up but he has a thing about leavings clues for you to find. Just ignore him until he gets mad. What’s he gonna do? Send his evil henchwoman after you?

Son of a bitch!

Okay, stay away from her. She has far too much fun cutting people and I haven’t trained you on how to stay away from knife wielding chicks. The villain stutters. Yes! Make fun of that. I mean, how much would it suck playing word based games and you happen to sound like a bad muffler?

So You’re Planning To Be Blown Away.

Tommy Lee Jones is back again! This dude went from being a loon in everything to being a cop. You just found out that someone close to you used to make bombs and kill people. Now his old friend who wants him dead is back. “Fuck that” you say. “Not my problem!” Except it is. Because you decided to be a disposal technician for the police.

Hey, look. Its your problem!

Solution.

"Its somebody's birthday...!"

You could try and fight this guy but he’s from Ireland and they speak I Will Fuck You Up quite fluently. So don’t do that. He’s good at what he does so don’t try and confront him head on. The best bet you have is that he blows his fingers off in a horrible (?) accident. Other than that its time to start training. Training in what, you ask?

This.

Jumping during an explosion. I know that science (Science!) says that your organs get turned into jelly and your bones do blah blah blah science talk yak yak disintegrate floop gleek blurb. Whatever. If there is an explosion it is your duty as a goddamn champion to leap into the air as high as possible. Yeah, you could walk away without looking back but then all’s that happens is that you flambé the poop in your pants. So as the great poet David Lee Roth once said…

You know the rest.