Dante Saves You: Psycho Killer Edition

Robots, evil animals, crazy movie terrorists, zombies, aliens, giant monsters, vampires, ninjas, and dinosaurs. At this point you should be a certified killing machine. Which is a good thing because that’s exactly what you’ll be learning about. Psycho Killers. Yeah. This one is gonna leave you with a few scars.

Now psycho killers come in all different shapes and sizes. This is the one list where it really doesn’t pay to be a cute, White chick. But I’ll still help you. Or try to. Some of these bastards are supranatural which is way more powerful than supernatural. If you get that joke you win the internets for the week. So let’s get started on asskickery!

So You’ve Met Jason Voorhees.

So for whatever reason you thought it’d be a good idea to visit Camp Crystal Lake. Maybe you decided to go for a dip in the lake. Oh, the lake? Yeah. That’s where that retarded kid drowned after being fucked with by bullies and his mom snapped and started killing people before he came back to life and started hacking people to bits.

"I'm gettin' some milk an' cookies..."

Now that you’re here and Jason knows that you’re a total whore and wants to dice your ass up its time to examine the enemy. First off you need to know that Jason went full retard. I know that sounds insensitive but some people prefer their cucumbers pickled. That was my way of confusing you so I don’t have to explain myself. Did it work? Cool.

Solution.

Say it with me! "White giiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl..."

Don’t be a whore. Jason and his mama would go after the slutty teens first. I’ve never been camping let alone to an actual camp. But I imagine that the only reason people go camping is to fuck. Or make S’mores. Maybe both at the same time which is very messy. Trust me.

Stranger danger! Stranger danger!

Or…use a kid as a shield. I know, I know! I’m always using kids as a way to get away from danger but those little People McNuggets are great bait. Jason died as a child and when he sees them he’s all like “I was once like you…stab stab stab stab stab!” Use that to your advantage.

Jason isn’t very fast but don’t let that mean that you can outrun him. He has the ability to teleport and not make a sound even though he’s easily over 300lbs. and like 6’9”. He’s also bionic as all hell so don’t try and punch him. That’s stupid. The best thing to do is set him on fire and leave the camp. Jason rarely ventures off camp grounds except to go to New York.

Because Astoria is just Camp Crystal Lake Part 2.

So You‘ve Encountered Jigsaw And Billy The Puppet.

You cant remember what the hell happened last night. But here you are tied to a wheel that has eight machine guns aimed at your genitals and a box full of AIDS ridden crack needles on strings with a key attached to them with a bear riding a skateboard.

Totally regrets wearing that terrible blouse. Sky blue? Really?

A TV turns on and a creepy ass puppet shows up. Or worse he rides into the room on a tricycle and asks you “Do you want to play a game?” It doesn’t matter whether you say yes or no. You’re playing his game and hopefully 60% of your body will be able to make it out alive.

Solution.

Daft Punk's new costumes didn't go over too well.

See, in the first few films you actually had a chance to survive. The traps, though painful as that time you went to meet your dates parents that one time and you had that urinary tract infection, were survivable. You might have to cut a pound of flesh off your ass and put it in a jar full of bees or lick a hobo’s asshole while chewing Courtney Love’s already chewed bubblegum. But you lived.

In later films there was a new killer and the traps were meant to just fuck you up with no chance for survival. So the best way to survive is to not be a bad person. That’s it. A lot of people haven’t seen these movies but I’ll let you know that the people that get caught in these movies are total dicks and deserve to be jacked up. So just be a good person and there will be no reason for you to wake up with your balls tied to a propeller with a combination lock through your nostrils while your ex hangs over you pooping on your back. The more you know…

So You’ve Met Michael Myers.

Its Halloween and the one time of the year where its fine to knock on people’s doors and ask for shit or threaten to wreck their house for refusing. Wow. I’m just now realizing what an asshole holiday that is. Besides the fact that it contributes to America’s fat ass kids issues it was also the birth of a psychopath.

"Mommy, why didn't you love me?!"

Michael Myers was a kid that was fucked over by the world. See, parents. Treat your kids nicely and they wont grow up to be giants that are powered by hate and tears. Michael became a huge adult that kills people just for breathing near him. Which is mean. He’s fast, strong, and doesn’t talk. So how will you take him down?

Solution.

"Does anyone knock around here anymore?!"

Though he is the equivalent of a land shark he is still human and able to be killed. But only if you pay attention. Don’t shoot or stab him and then run away for help because I guaran-damn-tee you that when you come back he will be gone and standing behind a door ready to stab your face off. Michael is one of the most persistent killers on this list.

They both froze and understood their own bigotry as they look into each other's eyes. Then Michael screamed and cops shot the Black guy.

Also, don’t be Black. This goes without saying but I have to because where Myers grew up it doesn’t seem like there are many Black folks. So when he sees them he gets nervous and attacks without provocation. And don’t look like his sister. If you’re a White chick and are slightly attractive run and try not to scream because that makes him horny.

So You’re Dreaming Of Freddy Krueger.

1, 2, Freddy’s coming for you. Goddamn creepy little girls. For those of you that don’t know the story of Freddy Krueger, he’s a dude that was a child killer. He managed to not go to jail and so one day the parents of Elm Street were like “We’re gonna round up a posse and fuck him the fuck up!” And someone in the back was confused and asked “You said ‘posse’ right?”

Even Freddy couldn't escape the 80's.

Years later after your friends start dying horrible deaths while sleeping your mom takes you to the basement and in the calmest voice possible says “So yeah me and a bunch of parents got together and though a man was not convicted of murder we snatched him off the streets and tossed him into a furnace. Huh? Yeah, the one right here. Goodnight, sweetie.”

Solution.

"Why is everyone staring? Oh, right. I'm cute."

Don’t sleep. They say that we need like eight hours of sleep a night to function. That’s bullshit. Just keep drinking 5 Hour Energy and doing jumping jacks. I know that’s hard to do but at least try, you weirdo. Do you want this asshole slicing your face wide open? That’s what I thought. I cant even say sacrifice your kid because not only would that not work, it is wrong.

But dressing your child as a possible pedophile murderer? Totally fine.

Besides having to put up with his terrible jokes, clawed glove, and terrible fashion sense, Freddy also has the ability to transform. While in your dreams he can turn into a giant worm, a video game character, or even turn his fingers into needles to inject you with drugs. The best way to beat him is to be creative. Imagine the coolest shit possible and use it against him. Or just picture yourself as a giant dick and rapify him.

Pictured: Giant dick.

So You’ve Decided To Scream.

The phone rings and someone who sounds like Clint Eastwood’s horny cousin asks you what your favorite scary movie is. If you’re me you hang up. But you’re not so you decide to play along because, well, fuck it. You’re Drew Barrymore and you’ve got shit else to do besides make movies about whales being stuck in the ice.

"But I don't wanna do Charlie's Angel's 5!"

Next thing you know someone dressed like a yawning ghost and wielding a knife jumps through your brand new patio door and starts stabbing you. He’s fast and wild so you’re gonna have to use every bit of cunning you have to take him on.

Solution.

Their favorite scary movie? The Vow.

Or not. I mean, this guy is a fucking regular human being. No super powers at all besides the fact that he’s actually a she once and nerds the other times. Seriously, the creepiest thing is that he is creepier without the mask. Skeet Ulrich is naturally skeevy.

Skeet Ulrich: Making female cousins shudder since 1970.

Just punch them in the face or make fun of them. They start acting stupid and not thinking at which time you kick them in the nuts. Or in the case of the woman you kick her in the clit. I’ve seen this happen on Youtube and by god it looks painful…ly sexy. Or don’t be the chick from Party of Five. She is a fucking loon magnet.

The knife is symbolic of a penis. A sharp, shiny penis. Like mine.

You've Woken Up Looking At Buffalo Bill.

Oh, no. Okay. In this situation I am so safe. Buffalo Bill only wants to capture and skin fat White women for a bodysuit he’s making. Why? Read Silence Of The Lambs. That book explains it. But I guess reading is the last thing you’re thinking about right now.

You've just discovered ultra fear.

If you wake up in a hole and look up and see this guy staring at you while holding his dog, don’t scream. He just starts laughing and screaming back at you like some kinda asshole parrot. Hmm. That’s like saying a “parrot parrot” since most of those are assholes anyway. So how am I gonna save you from this lotion loving mofo?

Solution.

"I would love to hear more about Watchtower. Come inside."

If Jodie Foster is too busy trolling for vajayjay you’re gonna have to use your smarts…which were apparently busy earlier which is how you ended up in this situation. I mean, come on! Look at this guy! If he steps out of a van--a fucking white rape van!--and asks for help just throw some hot coffee in his eyes and drive away faster than your car can even move. Make that motherfucker go back in time you’re driving so fast!

"Give me back my dog you--oh. She's right here."

Your other option is to not lotion your skin. Like I said, he needs your skin for a suit made of human flesh. He drops a bucket with water and lotion so that you keep your skim moisturized. As much as I hate it, I’d have to not stay moist. He hoses you down if you don’t use the lotion but as an expert on moistness I can tell you right now that water is not a substitute for lotion. Or make his dog fall down the hole and threaten to fart in its mouth.