Hatering On Catering

There was this story on the news about having catering trucks pretty much banned from school campuses because kids are too goddamn fat. They will have to park at least 1,500 feet away from schools. Now this bothers me for multiple reasons. Mostly because not only are catering trucks friggin’ awesome but because if it weren’t for them I would have starved as a child. And been hungry at my brother's funeral. Seriously. I got a burger at his funeral. I was grieving, okay?! Don't judge me.

Tears are a great substitute for salt!

The school I went to from 4th to the beginning of 10th grade was Mid-City Alternative. During lunch time they had a catering truck that would arrive downhill and we would race to it to eat such delicious treats like Mucho Machos, burgers, fries, or big ass root beer sodas. If it wasn’t for the $1.25 ($3 on Fridays) I wouldn’t have eaten. Know why?

My mother didn’t pack lunches for me. If anything she gave me a Hostess treat, some cash, and sent my chubby ass on my way. I would take my money and get something from the truck or hop the fence and get something from the store. Which would you prefer your child doing?

Braving South Central streets for Frito's and Now & Later's.

“Why didn’t you just eat the food that the school served?” Great question, smartass. Because my family was out of the price bracket that would’ve allowed me and my brothers to get free meals every day. Don’t think I didn’t want to get a free breakfast and lunch every day of the week. That would’ve kicked ass. I did it at my elementary school before going to this monkey ass school.

Mmm...I just soiled my Dickie's.

They are also trying to force kids to not drink sodas and Gatorade at school. Good luck with that one! I remember a few years back they tried to stop Flaming Hot Cheeto’s as well. I love those chips even though they turn my ass into Beirut. Is taking this stuff away from students going to do anything? Nope. Because unless you stop every store from selling this stuff they will still get it.

Or burn this muthafucka down!

How about stopping them from bringing guns, knives, and other deadly shit to school? They’re gonna start using metal detectors to scan for Coke and Pepsi instead of 9mm’s. How about having teachers not fucking kids? That seems like a good idea to me. I mean, fuck. You know how hard it’ll be to fight a molesting teacher off when you haven’t had a Twinkie and Red Bull? Your kid ain’t gonna have no strength!

"It's over 9,000!!!"

If you want to get into the discussion of why kids are fat lets look at the world that we, the adults, have built for them. Not only have we made them a bunch of weak, germaphobic pussies (I‘ve written about this here and here), we’ve made them afraid to even go outside. You cant tell a kid to stop playing video games and go outside and turn around and say “Hey, watch out for bullets when you’re on the lawn.” We’re sending mixed signals!

Take this kids' chips and he will wreck your shit.

Now I say “We” just to group myself in with my surrounding age brackets. I don’t have kids because if I did they would be mute, albino, and know forms of martial arts that don’t exist anymore. I know that for as much bitching and moaning about the youth people around my age do we’re just as guilty of a lot of damage done to these poor, ignorant ass kids.

We talk like you. We “LOL” at things that really don’t make us laugh out loud. We would rather be your best friend than the person you hate for making you get off your goddamn cellphone at midnight when your punk ass should’ve been asleep by 10pm. We dress just like you. I mean, I live in a world where 40 year old women shop in the same stores as 15 year olds. That shit ain’t right.

There's not enough therapy in the world to fix this kinda damage.

So in closing stopping catering trucks and the sale of sodas will solve nothing. Imagine how much money your school would’ve lost when you were younger if the student store didn’t sell soda. Fuck if I didn’t have that catering truck I would’ve passed out during P.E. Not just because I was fat and my tits hurt when I ran, but because I wouldn’t have had that grape flavored Springfield soda I bought for a quarter for fuel.