Dante Saves You: Evil Animal Edition

I’ve attempted to save you from zombies, vampires, giant monsters, ninjas, dinosaurs, aliens, and crazy terrorists. Now its time for you to battle nature! Nature is a motherless whore who wants to bathe in your blood and wear your penis for earrings. Kinda like that weird ass chick you dated in college. What was with her anyway?

So in this edition we will be handling Evil Animals. Sometimes animals are born evil. Just like people. Don’t believe me ask your mama about that uncle no one talks about. Once in a while nature will shit out an animal that goes beyond normal “I’m an animal and will only defend myself if attacked” and goes straight to “I’m gonna fucking kill your face just because I see you!” So now that you’re ready lets beat natures ass!

So You See A White Dog.

Some assholes decided that it would be a good idea to raise their big ass dog to attack and kill Blackers. We call them the LAPD. I’m kidding! They shoot people. This huge dog sees Black people and goes into fucking beast mode and is set on killing. There’s no reasoning with him. Kibble’s & Bits quickly turns into Dribbles & Shits. See what I did there? That’s why I make the big bucks.

Solution.

The bravest Black man alive. What? When? He dead. Nevermind.

Don’t be Black. I’m sorry. I just told you why this dog was built for so the last thing you need to be right now is Black and proud. Be Black and fast. Even though dogs only see in black and white apparently he’s been trained to chase anything with an afro.

Your days are numbe--what? He's dead too?! Come on!

Or you can be White. In a lot of films this is good or bad. Good because you have a 85% chance of living if you aren’t stupid. Bad because you are genetically predisposed to check out strange noises. So when this monster comes running at you all you have to do is stand still and he’ll run right past you. Fuck, that is so unfair.

"Whose a good boy? Whose a good boy? You are!"

So You’ve Spotted Jaws.

Most sharks do that thing where they take a bite out of someone, go “Ptooey!”, and swim away. Not Jaws. This fish…mammal…demon fish or whatever doesn’t take a bite and leave. He’s all like “Goddamn, people is good!” Despite the warnings people still want to swim with it in the water. They even get mad when the beach is closed!

"The beach is what...?"

Solution.

"Nom nom nom nom fire!"

Don’t. Go. In. The. Water. The end. Did you hear about that girl who got her arm bit off by a shark and then they made that terrible film about it? Imagine that happening a dozen times in two days at the exact same location. That’s what this thing is and what it does. Sharks aren’t on the ground. You can totally not get killed just by being dry. That is not difficult. Its not like they fly!

Oh, fuck you!!!

If you’re gonna fight a shark you should know that punching it in the nose wont work. Okay, I want you to try something. If you have a deep bath tub or a swimming pool I want you to try and throw a punch. Now imagine that weak ass punch with a creature that is 99% teeth shaking you around like a $2 hooker. What you need is non-logic which translates into super-logic. Blow that fucker up. Yay, fish sticks for days!

Hey There’s Some Birds.

You and a couple of dumbasses managed to get stuck in a building where there are like a billion birds outside that for no damned reason want to attack you. There are seagulls, crows, some pigeons thrown in for flavor. So what do you do? What do you do?!?!

Solution.

Don't wear them on your face.

Its fucking birds. Do you really need help getting away from birds? They aren’t even Australian birds which can kill you from birth. These are the same filthy bastards that shit on your car. You can just stand in one spot, swing once, and kill like a dozen of them.

"Woman, you better be worth it...!"

Let’s say that you’re scared of birds. Your wild flailing is now a deadly weapon. Or you could just pull your damned shirt over your head, get in the car, and drive away and never speak of this again. That’s it. They’re fucking birds. Wuss.

Oh Look There’s Cujo.

Aw, look at him! Since childhood we have been taught that if you ever got trapped in the snow a giant St. Bernard would find you, give you free booze, and you would be safe. Then one day Stephen King wrote Cujo in a drunken stupor and ruined this dog forever. For real. King doesn’t even remember writing this story. But here it is and there you are stuck in a car with a blood covered dog waiting to make a Manwich out of you.

Solution.

Small child aka Children McNugget.

Feed him the boy! Come on! This kid is on his last legs anyway. He doesn’t just have asthma. He has old fashioned asthma. The kind that doesn’t even exist except for Period pieces. Where like you cough, faint, and never wake up again. Toss him out and run the other way. Hopefully the dog will be so busy snacking he wont see you racing for the hills.

He's gonna eat the fuck out of you. Twice. 

Oh, you’re no fun. Fine. You could try and go hand to hand with this dog, but honestly, when is the last time you tried to hit a dog? Ask my father. Seriously. Trying to punch a dog is like waving a treat in its face. Your best bet is to jump on its back, hold on, and ride him until he’s tired. I’m pretty sure that would work.

So There’s An Anaconda.

For whatever reason you’re in the jungle and there’s a strange sound. From all your years of watching films and playing video games you immediately know that its not a koala bear. Good for you. It’s a fucking anaconda. And not just any anaconda. it’s the largest one to ever exist! There’s no reason for this to fuck with you…except for the fact that you’re breathing.

Solution.

"I ssssssmell your sssssshit!"

This isn’t your run of the mill snake. This thing has revenge on its mind! If Ice Cube, Jennifer Lopez, or Jon Voight aren’t around to sacrifice the best you can hope for is to find a place to hide. Not a car. Like I said this is the biggest snake ever. It will just slam its face against the glass until it shattered. Which totally sucks.

"I don't like you that way!"

Since you’re in the jungle I assume you brought a knife with you. Great. Cut that son of a bitch! Snakes only have one weapon. Okay. Anacondas have two weapons. Its mouth and its body with which it squeezes the shit out of you. Literally. Like a tube of toothpaste. So stab it in the face as much as you can. Or shit in its mouth. That’s my answer to almost any question by the way.