Dante Saves You: Insane Clown Edition

Aliens, ninjas, dinosaurs, giant monsters, crazy movie terrorists, vampires, evil animals, psychos, and crazy ass robots. Is there anything left for me to--oh. That’s right. Insane Clowns. Yeah. This is an interesting one. I personally have no fear of clowns. I know people who hate them and people that are fucking terrified by them!

Coulrophobia is a fear of clowns. I’m gonna learn your monkey ass how to take these crazy looking things out. Now, be warned. If you have a fear of clowns this is going to be the best and worst blog you’ve ever seen. Its fucking full of pictures of evil ass clowns and will make you pee a little in your pants.

Hey Kids Its Killer Klowns From Outer Space.

Jesus. I remember seeing this movie when I was little because my parents don’t like me. I wasn’t afraid of them and actually found them interesting because they turned people into cotton candy. I love cotton candy but hate people so it was a total win/win for little Dante!

Because my fear of death is outweighed by my need for sugar.

Of course this was before I realized that Blackers don’t last long in horror films and that these goddamn things are from space and they don’t see race. They see eat now and eat later. Funny. That’s what I like in women. You can also tell that these things aren’t normal because they spell clown with a K. That shit ain’t right.

Solution.

White giiiiiiirl...

Being a White chick sucks in this situation. So don’t be that. Also, don’t waste your time trying to warn the law about these things because they wont believe you. They never do. “There’s a 7 foot clown covered in blood with fangs killing people!” will be met with a blank stare. If you already have a fear of clowns you’re probably already half a mile away and covered in your own waste aka Mother Nature’s Perfume.

This is what rape has nightmares about.

You have to fuck these things up as soon as you see them. Even if you aren’t sure that they are the alien clowns you need to kill just take a swipe at them with a knife. Worst case scenario: its some asshole in a clown suit wearing the wrong thing at the wrong time. They have laser guns, so yeah, don’t get hit by that. Shoot them in the face with a gun or beat them to death with a bat. They’re like old people and lobsters. They don’t feel pain.

Hey Kids It Captain Spaulding.

This guy is one clown that looks scarier without the makeup on. He has no special powers unless you count the ability to make people poop a little bit by saying “Hello!” a special power. Which I totally do. He’s past psychotic. He’s fucking psychotic. That kinda crazy where even if he’s on your side you sleep with one eye open because you don’t wanna wake up with him spooning you.

Solution.

"Girl you make me want to get you pregnant."

He’s a normal ass guy, meaning he is human, so you don’t have to worry about things like lasers and such. But you do have to worry about the fact that he is the kinda crazy that exists in Florida and Germany. He rolls with a family of nuts so aiming a gun at him and shouting is nothing but foreplay for him. If you pull a gun on him you need to fire that damned thing immediately!

"How far am I from Astoria?"

Or you can just pay attention. There is no point in your fucking day that you should be so distracted by life that you don’t notice this guy sneaking up on you. I mean come on! You cant hear this guy come up on you?! Was that text message that important?! Just pay attention. Fucking hell. This guy looks like he smells like fresh ass. No way he should be able to come within twenty feet of you without your Spider Sense tingling.

Hey Kids It Pennywise.

I would say this is the most fucked up clown on this list but I’m not done yet. You cant get away from him in dreams or reality. He’s also a shape shifting alien that chooses to look like a clown because kids like clowns. Especially when they have razor sharp teeth and hide in sewers which is where clowns are born.

"I ain't got no panties on..."

The honked up part is that even as an adult he’s fucking with people. People have a dream or see his ass twenty years later and kill themselves because fuck going on with life. He attracts kids with balloons because kids are stupid and will take anything from a stranger. Including the sweet embrace of death.

Solution.

Reason 974 why public showers are scary.

Run, asshole! Sorry. But seriously, just fucking run away. Screaming. If he’s seen you and smiles he already plans to fuck with you later. Don’t tell your parents because they’ll be all like “I don’t see any blood pouring down the walls go to sleep nothing to see here have this bible I’ll be sleeping in the car tonight bye!” If my parents knew this existed when they were young and never told me I’d be pissed!

He's laughing because you think you're getting away.

Its been alive for centuries and has the powers of anything that has ever been created. Its like Jesus but with a terrible sense of humor which is debatable because, I mean, look at the platypus. It has weaknesses though. If you believe in yourself it cant defeat you. Remember how much confidence you had when you were a teen? Oh, that’s right. You had zero confidence in yourself. Get confident, bitch! And use silver bullets. They hurt him. Hopefully. Sometimes.

Hey Kids Its A Zombie Clown.

Its like the worst of both worlds. Not only is it a goddamn clown but it’s a zombie as well. These are Zombieland style zombies so they aren’t slow and will chase your bacon eating ass until your sides start hurting and no matter what you say Ernie your P.E teacher will not let you rest! I hated P.E so damned much!

Solution.

"What you say 'bout my mama...?"

This guy looks like a dick. You can tell that even when he was a normal human that he was a dick so that should make it extra fun to whip his ass. I mean, who dies and stays at work? That’d be like zombie Dante sitting at a computer and typing. Actually me typing is very zombie-like anyway.

"I'm gonna eat your brains and gain your knowledge..."

It’s a raggedy ass zombie so the regular rules still apply. You can shoot it or just give it a good old fashioned ass kicking. Have some fun with it. This is probably the easiest one to kill out of all the clowns on the list. Plus you cant look bad in front of Emma Stone.

DTF 24/7.

Hey Kids Its Poltergeist Clown.

I don’t know what this clown is called so I’ll call him Mr. Rapey Pants. Besides having your sister sucked into a TV, a tree attacking you, your braces coming to life, some creepy old man attacking you, and then your parents buying a house that’s on a dead Indian burial ground, now you got your creepy toy clown trying to kill you.

When a toy comes with Band Aids and a shield you know its a bad purchase.

This thing is creepy even before it comes to life so you’re pretty much asking for something bad to happen by owning it. This is not a fun looking toy. Besides startling the fuck out of friends who visit this thing, when moving, could make you piss so hard brain fluid comes out of your genitals.

Solution.

"Aren't we having fun?! Aren't we?! AREN'T WE?!?!"

After all the previous bad shit that happened you can convince your parents to hire a dwarf lady to help get rid of it. Punching it wont work so maybe fire could. Hopefully not while its strangling you which is like a clowns go-to attack.

The one time you don't have lotion and Kleenex near the bed...

Or you can use all that pent up rage from having the shittiest parents ever and beat the shit out of a toy clown. I mean, I know its possessed, but fuck that. It’s a toy. That would be like your Barbie doll trying to kick your ass and you screaming for help. You don’t want to be the guy killed by a toy clown. The shit they say at your funeral would shame you into the afterlife. “Hey. Isn’t that the jackass that got killed by a toy clown?” You don’t need that kinda stress.