Dante Bitches About Cosmo Men Articles

While chatting with someone who had posted an article from Cosmo featuring a “plus size” model I got to thinking about how much I hate Cosmo. I found an article titled 16 Things You Think He Cares About But Really Doesn't that is allegedly written by a guy. I say that because most of the articles done by this site and magazine seem to be geared towards women who already hate themselves and need that extra little push to go into full blown hating their bodies mode or actually have confidence and need it knocked down a little bit.

I found that this one actually had some things that are true so I will be fair in my responses while writing this. Kinda fair. Nothing is 100% fair. Not even 69's. Some people are just greedier than others, folks.

1. If you don't shave your legs every day. You might notice a bit of stubble coming in, but he sure as hell doesn't. You can let it go a couple days, a couple weeks, whatever. He's not going to notice, and even if he does, all he cares about is that your pants are off.

Or...you are wearing shorts. There are plenty of times a woman's legs are showing that involve her pants being across the room on a pile of clothes neither of you want to pick up because you're too busy getting bizzay. I have had chicks say “I haven't shaved...” as if that is some kind of deterrent. Please. Your legs could be on fire and I'll still want to touch them. If a guy complains because your legs haven't been shaved start complaining about his balls that look like a briar patch. If he doesn't know what a briar patch is kick him out the house. 

2. If you're not wearing makeup. Guys don't even understand what half the makeup you own even does, let alone if it's on your face or not. Also, too much makeup makes you look like our scary aunt.

Makeup isn't rocket science. Guys know why you use it. We also understand that it tends to cause more harm than good to your skin. And most guys do know when you're wearing it. I personally hate a lot of makeup unless its for a costume if I am dating someone. I'm far too touchy. Otherwise have fun looking absolutely nothing like your real self, ladies!

3. If you don't try to pay for everything. You can pay for stuff; that's totally cool. But if a guy is taking you out on a date, he's already down to pay. Don't worry about asking.

I hate when I invite someone to dinner and they try to pay. I invited you out. You could be at home or with someone else and not worrying about paying for food. But if someone insists on paying, fuck it, let her pay. Use your extra money to upgrade your Pornhub account. Whatevs. It doesn't need to turn into a thing. Well, unless someone picks a very expensive place and wants me to pay. Then its bullshit.

4. If you want to go hang out with your friends. He's not going to mind a Friday night with the TV and some scotch. He might even secretly be looking forward to a little bit of time alone. Girls' night = spontaneous man night.

Also known as the rest of my life. Have friends. Please. I can not be the main source of someone's entertainment. That shit is exhausting. A chick can have all the friends she wants. Hopefully they don't suck. I don't wanna have a girl come home and just tell me how shitty her girlfriends are. If some of them are guy friends that's cool, too. That way I don't have to take the full brunt of “Men are assholes!” on my own.

5. What your vagina looks like. He couldn't care less what it looks like, tastes like, or smells like. He's having sex. Vaginas are like fine wines with complex bodies, and each one is different but can be appreciated equally, or something. I don't know, just take my word for it and don't worry. He's not thinking about it at all.

Slightly true. When you are with someone you have had the sex with a few times none of the things she is worried about when it comes to her vajayjay matter. “I haven't taken a shower yet” just translates to “I want you to handle this but I need to put up the pretense of caring about how I appear for a moment just in case it looks like Detroit down there.” I don't care. I know what I signed up for. If a guy has to be an inch from a vagina before realizing he has entered the point of no return that's on him.

6. What size clothes you wear. Most men don't even know how women's sizes work, let alone that you were an 8 and now you're a 10. You look amazing.

Chicks talk mad shit about themselves. You will rarely hear a woman talk about how dumb they are but, by god, they will point out every single thing wrong with them physically. Cut that shit out. I have said this a hundred damned times to chicks but it doesn't stop. Whatever you complain about the most with a guy becomes the things he uses against you when you break up. Together, he doesn't care about your clothing size that you complain about. You break up he talks shit about how you wore the same sized pants and shoes. Then there's the fact that women clothes sizes make no sense. I can't tell you what shoe, pants, or bra sizes mean.

7. How big your boobs are. No man has ever said, “I met this great woman; she's everything I want in a partner except for her boobs.”

I'm pretty sure there is some asshole out there that has said that exact line. I have dated women with huge boobs and super small ones. I didn't give a damn. Its not like she has to supply me with nourishment from them. Yes, that is a fetish.

8. If you make less money than him. This is the 21st century. Dating outside your tax bracket is widely accepted. No one cares.

The only time this should matter is if you plan on never working again so that a chick can support your lifestyle as you attempt to be the next video game wizard or if she is always complaining about being a broke ass.

9. If you make more money than him. Who has time to be insecure when you can buy lots of cool stuff?

Really? Buying cool stuff does not equal someone feeling secure and being care free. Don't be stupid, you moron. I never even know how much money anyone I dated made unless they made none. “Hey, Dante? How much money do you make?” “About twenty fuck you's a week.” Rude.

10. How many people you slept with before him. It doesn't matter as long as you're only sleeping with him now (and vice versa).

Au, contraire! This goes both ways. If I am with a chick that has slept with a small country I'm gonna be concerned with my dick health. I know that some people think that it doesn't matter how many people someone has slept with. You're no prude. Its just sex. Not a big deal. Oh, where did this sore come from? That guy you banged in the bathroom after having one too many margaritas at Taco Pete's two years ago? That's cool. It doesn't matter that more guys have been inside you than a men's room at a gay bar. Its totally fine. Hold on. My left nut just rolled down my pant leg and into my sock. Damn, you're hot!

11. Morning breath. Everyone has it so there's no reason to hide yourself under the covers and avoid kisses until you can get to some mouthwash and a toothbrush. Embrace the stench.

I don't care about morning breath because if I wake up next to a woman my mouth is gonna be far from her face. Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout. Morning breath is the kinda shit you worry about during the first few weeks of fucking someone. That's when you pretend that your shit don't stink and try again after coming too fast. But there are some people whose breath kicks harder than Bruce Lee hence the oral. Its a total win/win!

12. What kind of underwear you're wearing. Have you seen the stuff guys wear? Some of us have had the same boxers since middle school with three holes near the anus. Don't worry about the granny panties you threw on because you want to do laundry, let alone if it matches your bra. Is that even a thing women do? Match their bras with their underwear? Who knows.

If you get them out of their clothes you know. And it really doesn't matter. If you have matching bars and draws its safe to assume you bought them for a guy you met way before me. As for having draws so old that there's three holes near the ass? You're just a foul beast. Buy new draws, you animal. But, yeah. Only girls and asshole guys care about their ladies stuff matching.

13. What you're eating. Actually, that's not true. Only psychopaths only order a side salad on a dinner date. Please order some Buffalo wings or something.

Not completely true. When I would eat with a chick and she enjoyed her onion filled chili I knew that going downtown later was like dancing on a minefield. Let her have a salad. Its cheap. I don't want anyone trying to jam their tongue down my throat smelling like ranch dressing. Its so hot when her breath smells like the set of Game Of Thrones! That shit ain't cute. I have dated two vegetarians and within a month they were eating steaks with me. Dating people with strict diets is only cool when I don't know. I shouldn't know your eating habits minutes after knowing you. Its annoying. You don't eat meat? Cool. Can I? Awesome. Oh, they abuse the animals? Must be why this steak is so tender. If you laughed at that I'll give you back-cuts in Hell. 

14. What you're wearing. This is all lost on us. Wear whatever makes you happy. Most men are going to be ecstatic if you wear your old yoga pants. Actually yoga pants are the best possible option.

True. Yoga pants are fucking amazing. In order of importance: red draws, yoga pants, plaid skirt, and a shirt that doesn't fit. I mean, you can wear as much as you want as long as it doesn't smell like last week. And make sure your clothes aren't see-through. There are a lot of women wearing black yoga pants that are damn near invisible.

15. Whether or not you've had a mani/pedi. We're not even entirely sure what happens during a manicure and pedicure. Also, who looks at fingernails? Yours look great.

Half true. I like when a chick has her nails handled. It doesn't have to look perfect all the time but there's no need to have dirty fingernails. You're an adult, ladies. And chances are I'll hook your nails up for you. I've been doing them since I was about 5.

16. That you have bodily functions. The only thing worse than someone letting out a fart or a burp is someone making a big deal about it later.

We all understand that everyone farts. Right now Halle Berry is sitting on her $10,000 couch letting one rip. Its true. Do I need to smell it or have her fan it towards me? Nope. We know that at some point during the day you're gonna drop a mad deuce. Its not the end of the world. Just flush. Flush everything. Please. There are some things that once seen can not be unseen. Oh, you're mad I left the toilet seat up? I'm mad that I almost had a conversation with you about a child you left in the toilet. Oh, wait. That's not a baby. Fuck!!! Seriously. Flush.

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