Every time one of these hot lists comes
out I am actually prepared to be upset. It is a knee jerk reaction
that I have to these things because no doubt I will be upset. I
actually have not checked who is number one since it has been broken
down page by page to increase page views because magazine sites are whores!
This is the
FHM Sexiest Women In The World 2014. Already I am
questioning the choice of
Gal Gadot as the next
Wonder Woman seeing
as how she is ranked 97 on this thing. 97 out of 100? That ain't even
close to okay. I mean, I don't thinks she is anything special but
having her that low is not a good sign.
 |
| Derp. |
Sandra Bullock and
Shakira are also
ranked between 100 and 81. I think the fact Shakira had a kid knocked
her down on the list. Hey. I didn't make the rules. The rest are a
bunch of random White chicks that are too thin or too whatever for me
to even bother listing or complaining about.
Miley Cyrus is ranked at
79 so I am having some faith in this list. It stinks that she is even
on it but 79 is a good number for her. Its my birth year.
Sarah
Hyland from
Modern Family is on this list which is just creepy since
she looks like she is in junior high. If you know a grown man that
finds this girl (she is 23) hot you need to do some background
checking. Dude may be a pedo.
 |
| Stranger danger! |
Christina Hendricks at 68 is bullshit.
That woman needs to be in the top ten anytime.
Nathalie Emmanuel is number 76 and I didn't even know this chicks name. She is the one with the
hair I love from
Game Of Thrones. This is a disappointing list. I
know a lot about celebrities and shit but many of these chicks were
hot in TV/movies/videos for a minute and vanished. I know these names
but if they were walking down the street I wouldn't have to adjust my
pants. They are pretty and stuff but...meh.
 |
| All day up in her hair! |
Between 60 and 41 we have
Britney
Spears and
Pippa Middleton. I still don't get the Pippa mania that
was going on. Depending on the angle she is shot at she can go from
“Okay” to “Er...”
Selena Gomez is on this list and she is
another that looks like a child to me. Not just because she can fit
in my pocket but because she actually
looks like a child. Wait.
SofiaVergara is ranked 52? 52?! Okay. The top ten on this list better just
make my pants blow right off my body because Sofia is fucking hot!
They ranked
Amanda Seyfried higher than Sofia which is just...no. Not
never.
 |
| This picture makes me smile. |
Kate Moss ranked one higher than
Meagan
Good which made my eyebrows go up so fast it knocked my glasses off.
What is this? 1992?! There is no way in hell that Moss at any point
in her life was ever hotter than Good. Now I am getting nervous. This
list is shakier than me in church.
 |
| Something else is about to shake... |
We are now at 40 through 21. Shit is
getting real now.
Kim Kardashian is at 38. I seriously forgot about
her being on lists like these. I'm a
Khloe man myself. Don't judge
me.
Jennifer Aniston is 36. Ha! Ha, I say! No fucking way she is
hotter than any of the people I have listed.
Zooey Deschanel managed
to weasel her way onto this list somehow. There's
Taylor Swift
because people like seeing me angry. I don't know who
Kelly Brook is
but I'll be doing some “research” on her later.
Rita Ora is
listed and she makes me feel pervy because while she is hot she looks
way young. She makes me feel my age even though I never feel my age.
I like her because she looks like she would do things to shame her
ancestors.
 |
| Maybe she'd help me into my Rascal. |
20 to 11. We're deep in it now. Can you
feel the tension? You can't? Feel lower. No. Lower.
Emma Stone is
number 20 which I am actually fine with right now. That is mostly
because I'm still mad at that horrible
Spiderman movie.
Kate Upton is
at 18 because she started using her voice and men didn't like that.
Katy Perry and
Emilia Clarke from
Game Of Thrones rounds off this
section of the list. This
Helen Flanagan is someone I have never
heard of but she is ranked at 14. I can see two reasons why.
 |
| Undercleave. An often overlooked joy. |
We are now in the top ten. Oh, shit! It
is time to see who will be voted number one.
Scarlett Johansson is
number 10. Wow. The next nine women need to be just made of light. I
just realized that there are a few women that shouldn't be in this
top ten that weren't listed yet and if they are ranked higher than
Scarlett I am gonna be pissed. Looking at you,
Rihanna! Okay. The
chick from the
Pussycat Dolls. Whatevs. Next! Number 8 is
Lucy
Mecklenburgh. Who the fuck is this?! I honestly have no idea who this
is. I am guessing this is the
British FHM.
Beyonce is up next. I have
no problem with this.
Mila Kunis is up next. Uh...okay. I guess. She
has lost her luster to me.
 |
| Shazam! |
Kaley Cuoco from
The Big Bang Theory is
number 5. She is cute but not hot to me. She's pretty. Why am I
defending myself? This is my fucking blog.
Emily Ratajkowski from
that fucking “Blurred Lines” video is number 4. You have got to
be kidding me. I can't. I just can't. Damn it, Rihanna is number 3! I
just growled. I hate that she makes it so high on lists every year. I
know, I know. Lots of men and especially women love her. I mean, what
girl wouldn't admire a chick that went back to the guy that kicked
her ass, can't hit a note with a baseball bat, and has the same body
shape as
Wile E. Coyote. Number 2 is
Michelle Keegan. I have no idea
who this woman is. None. She is pretty and looks good in her draws,
but so do I. Won't see me winning number 2. Now it is time for number
1 and the winner is...
 |
| God...damn it!!! |
Okay. I have confirmed that this is the
British FHM. I don't know why but that makes me feel better about the
fact that
Jennifer Lawrence came in at the top spot. If you put a gun
to my head and made me choose the one hundred sexiest women in the
world I honestly doubt that she would cross my mind. I would be
thinking of Six from
Blossom or friggin' Mrs. Huxtable. Not Katniss
fucking Everdeen. You know what pisses me off the most? I forgot
about her. I thought about Rihanna,
Lupita Nyong'o because she won
the
People Magazine list, or even some random ass reality show chick.
But not Jennifer “Ugly Cry” Lawrence. I'm gonna go drink Gatorade
and stick my dick in a fan.
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