Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex

I dislike Cosmopolitan with the type of hatred reserved for people battling vengeful Roman gods that wipe out generations of children just to bone their mother. Every once in a while I'll check their site out to see what terrible advice they are giving women and men or to learn what not to do and complain about. In this Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex I am gonna post what they have written, Frank Kobola (if that's his real name) and post my own response because that is what I do. Respond. Never act. I'm like the Floyd Mayweather Jr. of blogs. But taller. And less rich. And slightly more liked.

1) There's not much to see. In terms of tried-and-true “lie on top of each other and pork” style missionary, you’re not getting to see much of the action. Guys especially are very visual during sex, and as romantic as it is to stare into your eyes while boning, it isn’t exactly titillating. Yes, we love looking at your lovely face, but we get to see that every time we go out to dinner or brush our teeth together in the mirror. This is about sex, specifically nakedness. And virtually every other sex position imaginable gives guys a better look at your body.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Advice

Whenever I feel like angering my blood I know I can just go to Cosmo online and check out their advice column. They tend to give very long winded answers to questions I would answer in five seconds if a friend asked me. So I bitch about it. That is what this is. This time there were two that stood out. The way this goes is someone will ask a question, some Cosmo writer that hates women or is a social justice warrior will respond, and then I put in my two cents. Got it? No? You need more coffee.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Sex Advice

I was trolling around and stumbled across a Cosmo advice column. People write in and ask a question an Logan Hill answers. The question that was asked was short but, my god, was his response long. I am gonna try to trim a lot of what he said but keep the spirit of his answer because you don't want to read all of his bullshit. I say that now but watch how long my response ends up being.

Question: My boyfriend asked me - yes, asked me - for a blow job, and I suggested sex instead. He started a huge fight because I declined his blow job request and said something about how I never give him BJs. Actually, I had given him one two nights before. Why was it such a big deal that he started a fight over a blow job? And how do I stop it from happening in the future without just giving him a BJ every day?

Logan: Obviously, saying no is no big deal - you're right about that. It's your right to give blow jobs at a time and place of your choosing. You shouldn't feel pressured to do anything against your desire. There's no blow job-per-week quota. And I think we can all agree that a counter-offer of actual sex is a pretty reasonable compromise. But that wasn't your question. You asked: Why was it such a big deal to your boyfriend?

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Men Articles

While chatting with someone who had posted an article from Cosmo featuring a “plus size” model I got to thinking about how much I hate Cosmo. I found an article titled 16 Things You Think He Cares About But Really Doesn't that is allegedly written by a guy. I say that because most of the articles done by this site and magazine seem to be geared towards women who already hate themselves and need that extra little push to go into full blown hating their bodies mode or actually have confidence and need it knocked down a little bit.

I found that this one actually had some things that are true so I will be fair in my responses while writing this. Kinda fair. Nothing is 100% fair. Not even 69's. Some people are just greedier than others, folks.

1. If you don't shave your legs every day. You might notice a bit of stubble coming in, but he sure as hell doesn't. You can let it go a couple days, a couple weeks, whatever. He's not going to notice, and even if he does, all he cares about is that your pants are off.

Or...you are wearing shorts. There are plenty of times a woman's legs are showing that involve her pants being across the room on a pile of clothes neither of you want to pick up because you're too busy getting bizzay. I have had chicks say “I haven't shaved...” as if that is some kind of deterrent. Please. Your legs could be on fire and I'll still want to touch them. If a guy complains because your legs haven't been shaved start complaining about his balls that look like a briar patch. If he doesn't know what a briar patch is kick him out the house. 

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Bitching

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Dante Bitches About Cosmo Orgasm Advice

Goddamn you, Cosmo. I don't know how I always end up finding these damned articles from them and then getting mad at what is written. I found one talking about female orgasms. It is this chick bitching about guy's having orgasms and women not. I'm all for women getting their rocks off. I'm a huge fan of women having orgasms. But the stuff that is described in this article bugs me.

“The female orgasm whether clitoral or vaginal is elusive, and frequently unattainable during sex if the woman’s not feeling it. Or feeling too much of something in one place and not enough in another place, or hearing your iPhone chirp with seven new text messages, or wondering if the cat is about to jump up onto the bed and swat at the guy's balls.”

First off, if you don't wanna fuck don't fuck. You don't have to let some dude climb on top of you if you don't want. If you aren't in the mood to get some you just aren't. As for all that other stuff? Turn off your phone when you're fucking. If I am fucking someone and they answer the phone, the night (date) is over. No call is that important. I don't care of your mother is dying. Maybe you shouldn't be fucking if your mom is dying. Ever think of that?!

Dante Bitches About More Bad Cosmo Advice

I am still convinced that Cosmo Magazine is run by a bunch of dudes that really hate women and want to see them make fools of themselves while looking as fashionable as possible. I found this article for women about what to do if you are going to see your ex at a party or gathering. If a woman follows this advice she is going to look crazy at worst and pathetic at best. If anyone reading this has followed the advice given…hahaha!

“That fab feeling when you're wearing something new that you know looks good will be well worth it for an occasion like this: It's always best to feel your best when dealing with your ex, no matter how good (or, well, not so good) the break-up was.”

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Magazine

Last weekend I stayed on the phone with Munky for about three hours raging about Cosmopolitan Magazines website. If you’ve never seen it, they write articles that are meant to get women murdered with sexual suggestions. I found this article called 10 Ways To Change Your Man (Just A Little).

“Okay—we get it. No matter how much you love your guy, there are always going to be things about him that drive you nuts. But trying to, uh, tweak him can get tricky. Enter the guys at ModernMan.com—they swear these subtle moves will fix his issues.” 

Ugh…