Dante Saves You: Vampire Edition

I’ve helped you take out dinosaurs, aliens, and zombies. But for some reason you manage to find new ways to get into danger. So what is it this time? What? Oh. Shit. Okay. Vampires. Don’t worry, I’m a nerd and have spent countless hours planning ways to defeat this bastards. But you have to understand something first: vampires don’t play by the old rules anymore.

There are vampires that can walk in broad ass daylight now. That used to be the one tried and true way to beat these sumbitches and Hollywood has taken it away from us. But fear not, fellow Dantanian! I have contingency plans for any scenario you may encounter.

So You’ve Bumped Into Twilight Vampires.

Its easy to come across this group of vampires since they automatically have an advantage being super strong, fast, and can walk out in broad daylight. Their skin turns into diamonds but they avoid normal people seeing this by calling out sick to school and playing vampire baseball. I know a lot of you don’t believe me when I mention the diamond skin, but I assure you its something that takes place.

"Me and my friends are Jem girls!"

Solution.

Hurt their feelings. For real, these thing are so sensitive that if you made fun of their hair they would cry. The sunlight cant hurt these fools so your best bet is to starve them to death. They don’t eat humans so you have that working for you. Even the bad guys aren’t that tough.

Oh, no! A Blacker!

I don’t even know if a stake through their hearts would work. If you happen to find a heartbroken werewolf you can have him and his friends attack their family since they cant fight that well. Or use the skinny miserable bitch as bait. Seriously, these are probably the easiest vampires to beat.

So You’ve Bumped Into Blade.

"The IRS will never find me up here..."

Another example of a vampire that can walk around in the sun which is fucking unfair. And then there’s the whole shit ton of weapons he walks around with to kill vampires. He will fuck up humans if he has to as well. He keeps his vampire side in check by taking a serum created for him. Oh, and one of his biggest challenges is one of the worst actors in the world.

You've just been "Dorff'd!"

Solution.

Though he has all the vampires strengths and none of their weaknesses…that’s bullshit. He can go out during the day but taking his heart out, shooting him, or hiding his precious potion from him would work. Or you could totally avoid him by not being a vampire, hanging in vampire nightclubs, or laughing at his played out haircut.

Worst case scenario you find one of those evil vampires that have Predator mouths and tell him where Blade is. He walks around during the day and night fucking with folks so its not like it would be hard to figure out where he is hiding. His place has been compromised in each fucking film! If you are up to it you can start telling “Yo Mama” jokes and make him sad. He totally has mommy issues.

So You’ve Stumbled Into Dracula.

Not Johnny Depp. 

How you end up here? Doesn’t matter. You’re now trapped in a castle with a nutjob with a hair style no one would ever wear in the history of existence. Mind you there are also hot vampire hookers so its not all bad. And pre-cray cray Winona Ryder. Hell this is starting to sound pretty good…except for the fact that his shadow wants to kill your shadow!

Solution.

This is fucking Dracula. He liked to mindfuck people back in the day and then murder death kill them. You couldn’t just lock him in his coffin because he could morph into creatures, turn to smoke, hypnotize you, or turn into Gary Oldman. That’s right, he can turn into a whole other person and go to plays and stalk people. Thankfully this is a true version of a vampire and things like sunlight and crosses still hurt him. Brush up on your Latin and prayers.

Lots of prayers.

So You’ve Let The Right One In.

Just a small town girl! Living in a lonely world!

So you’re walking around late at night and you hear a little girl crying. You find her and she is wearing pajamas in the snow and you feel bad for her so you decide to pick her up. Next thing you know your ass is a treat because her handler fails at everything he does. This evil little beast obeys all the vampire rules so at least you’ve got that. Oh, and a soft spot for losers.

Solution.

Don’t invite her inside. Yep. This girl can climb walls, is super strong, and incredibly fast. But if you don’t allow her in your place and she still comes in she starts bleeding all over the place. But lets say you are stupid enough to offer her some milk and cookies. Well you cant kick her in the crotch because she ain’t got one for very honked up reasons.

"Show me yours and I'll...nevermind."

Try to play to her nice side. Offer her a Rubix cube or pretend that you’re a chicken which should be easy what with all the poop in your pants now. She will straight up murder the bullies for you and be your new best friend!

So You’ve Met The Lost Boys.

All alone in a new place? It can be hard. Its even harder when the town is run by a group of assholes that happen to be vampires. Even if they weren’t bloodthirsty creatures of the night they’d still be dicks just based on how they dressed. There is a really hot chick with them but stay away from her. Kiefer Sutherland does not play well with others and you will end up at parties where guys like this are popular.

Women found this sexy in the 80's. 

Solution.

One of these things is not like the other. Meaning alive.

Oh thank god! You have a lot of ways to deal with these jackasses. They can be hurt by holy water, crosses, sunlight, or three nerds. They also obey the rules in terms of allowing them inside your house or not. So make sure your mother isn’t a horny old cougar and brings any guy in the house she feels like.

Look at this cuddly sumbitch.

I know it looks fun being friends with these evil mofos but don’t be fooled. Do you wanna live in a place where there are like ten vampires? Hell no! Eventually you’re gonna want to be the leader of the gang or you’re gonna get sick of banging the vampire chick. Right?

Nope.

So You’ve Got 30 Days Of Night.

Think happy thoughts.

You are so fucked. Okay. Lets figure this one out. Small town. Check. Bad weather conditions. Check. Vampires that behave like land sharks. Check. We can survive this. I mean, once the sun comes up you can totally get away from these things. All’s you have to do is wait them out…for the next month.

Solution.

Have lots of expendable people around you. This is not one vampire. This is a pack. They are smart, evil, and will try to use sympathy against you by having someone scream for help. Fuck that. If you are hidden and they haven’t found you, just stay put. You could try to reason with them.

Reasoning Fail.

Yeah, how’d that go? Exactly. These assholes aren’t here to talk. They are here to eat people meat. Your best option is to set them on fire or…yeah. Lets stick with fire because even if you beat one of these there are dozens more waiting to make a Manwich out of you. Oh, and here’s the last guy that tried using a cross on them.

Sloppy Joe. Slo-Sloppy Joe.

So You’ve Hung Out Near Dark.

What do you get when you cross a crackhead, a hillbilly, and a vampire. Eaten. You see a hot chick and decide to get up in them draws only to find out that she is a vampire and her entire family is psychotic and have rape eyes. Unless they are bored and want a new toy for a while you’re pretty fucked. These things have been doing this for a while and go to bars and start shit for shiggles (that’s shit’s and giggles and a new word alert!).

Solution.

"I'm bored. Let's rape something then eat it."

Act as insane a they are. They die in sunlight but it takes so long they have time to jump into their Rapewagon or find shelter. If they are intent on killing you for the love of all that is holy please do not try to reason with them!

There was no reasoning with Bill Paxton in the 80's.

Good news is if you are bitten and hate the whole, you know, not being alive thing and you value baths far more than they do you can just find your father and get a blood transfusion thus curing yourself. You could become a vampire every other month if you felt like it! I’m not kidding. Thank you, Katherine Bigelow.

So You’ve Got An Interview With A Vampire.

So you look attractive, like to hang out at night, and have a death wish. Damn you, White guilt. You may end up the victim of a foppish vampire that wants something cute to look at for the next few centuries. This isn’t too bad because you can still get your sex on. That is if you want to be one of these fruit loops.

Solution.

"So I says to Mable I says..."

Be annoying. Their leader is a dick that likes to have a lot of attention so if you want you can just pretend to be sick of him. Ignore all his poetry. Yawn when he expounds on how amazing he is. Laugh when he gets tricked into drinking poisoned blood. That happens. He can be killed by fire or having his head removed. But not crosses. They giggle at those. If all else fails you’re a powerful half god. Its not like he’s gonna bring a annoying little girl into the group.

Shit.