Dante Saves You: Giant Monster Edition

Now its time for the big boys. Giant monsters. You’ve already learned how to beat or at least get away from aliens, dinosaurs, ninjas, vampires, and zombies. Now you have to figure out how to escape monsters that are huge or the size of a damned building.

I know that when you see some of these things you start praying or screaming. Well now its time to knuckle the fuck up and rush right into battle. Who do you expect to help you? The government? The army?! Ha! Some of these will explain why that’s the last thing you should do.

King Kong.

So some guys went to an island and found a giant monkey…gorilla…whatever! They went and found this massive beast and for some reason thought that it would be a good idea to bring it here. And by here I mean one of the most populated cities in the world, New York City. You tell your date that you’re going to have a great night watching a chained up giant chimp and they agree because fuck staying home again. Next thing you know…chaos!

"Let the rape party...begin!!!"

Solution.

"White giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl..."

Don’t be a cute White chick. Sorry. Them’s the rules. But let’s say that King Kong doesn’t see race or gender. He’s pissed that you kidnapped him, drugged him, brought him across the sea, and decided to make him a sideshow attraction. Hell, I think I just described the plot to Taken.

Liam's putting both of these in one hole.

The first thing you need to do is not head home into your skyscraper apartment. He likes to climb those and the next thing you know you lost your beautiful view of the city. Its been replaced by gigantic gorilla nuts.

New York...now with less balls!

So now that you’re in the streets try your best not to fall. People die from stampedes. We call them Black Fridays. Because we’re racist. If you manage to be confronted by Kong just be nice. He doesn’t really want to kill anyone. He just wants some piece and quiet. Imagine a hairy Hulk.

The Host.

Not many people know about this one and it sucks for them because I know exactly what to expect when I see something that looks like it fell out of the Devil’s asshole. This thing isn’t here to take anything over. Humanity created this by being careless and now Asians have to deal with it.

Shit.

Solution.

Ah, he don't look so fast.

Stay home. That’s all you have to do. Its going for people that try to fight it or happen to be hanging out and not paying attention to the fact that a giant salamander is running straight towards them full on Kermit Flailing! It doesn’t spit fire which helps but it moves like Spiderman which sucks if you haven’t been staying on top of your parkour skills.

"CandygRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!!!"

Look at that fucking thing! Do you honesty think begging is going to stop it? Tears are like A1 Steak Sauce to this. The best you can hope for is that it knocks you down because then you just play dead. It only takes one person at a time so the chances of you living are increased.

Cloverfield Monster.

Oh, New York, New York. it’s a helluva town. Come for Astoria, leave because the motherfucking Cloverfield Monster is there! Apparently monsters really like to climb tall buildings which is fine where I am. I can easily avoid downtown Los Angeles. This thing is the size of a giant structure and poops baby versions that can bite you and make you explode.

Solution.

"How are you feeling RIGHT NOW?!"

Don’t hang out with an asshole that feels the need to film every goddamn aspect of your life! When I am trying to escape a creature that is wrecking shit for no reason other than it likes the sound of fear the last thing I need is it on tape. I'm not watching that later! So that’s step one. Ditch the dick.

Nom nom nom nom nom!

Next you have to stay at home. See how easy this is? Because if you’re at home you wont have to help out your other friend who is so into a chick he leads his friends to certain death for a chance to smell her panties. Which I get because panty sniffing is fun. But come on. Not for an L.A 5. 6 if you’re drunk.

Not the time to film sex.

Godzilla.

The king of monsters managed to be exactly where you are. Sucks to be you. Godzilla has fire/electric breath, can jump great distances, and has a scream that is shit inducing. And by the way, this isn’t the friendly dancing Godzilla from your childhood. This is hermaphroditic 1990’s Godzilla.

Yippee!!!

Solution.

"Peek-a-boo!!!"

Unless you can find those two cute Japanese chicks that can sing for help from Mothra the best thing you can do is hide in the sewers. He cant fit there. Or tell scientist to stop fucking around with radioactive shit that turns lizards into these things.

You can try shining lights in his eyes.

You cant ask the army to help because they will just shoot rockets at it and that will do nothing but make him charge up his spine and unleash Hell on Earth. And you don’t want that. It burns. Ferris Bueller and Leon The Professional are there along with the voice of Apu. They cant help. Just try to not be in New York.