Monday, April 30, 2012

Rosscast Episode 253: I Be Listening

In this episode I talk about the weather, the LA Riots, Bitches Be Crazy, Only In Florida, Dude What the Fuck, and some listener questions where you find out whether or not I‘ve ever faked an orgasm. Click here to download this and here for past Rosscast Shows. It appears that you have to sign in to listen to my shows now. Just make a quick account until I can work my way around this. Enjoy!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

"Teenage Dirtbag" Part 1

Camaro stared from the front porch at the new neighbors moving in across the street. They appeared to have a son around his age. He made a mental note to do some research on him later. You could never be too careful he thought to himself. That was not paranoia speaking. That was experience. Camaro had far more experience than someone at the age of 17 should. 

His cell phone rang causing him to tense slightly. He knew it would be his on again off again girlfriend Harriet. “What an unattractive name” he whispered to himself before answering before she could leave a long message he knew he had no intention of listening to later. Harriet knew this and would quiz him later on what she had said. “Hello.”

“Geez, pretend you’re happy to hear from me!” Harriet shouted from somewhere noisy. “You and I need to have a talk.” Camaro never knew his parents but he figured that this is the type of things they told their children. “Maro, are you there?” 

Camaro hated his name. He hated it even more when it was shortened to sound like the soft tissue that occupied the interior of the skeletal system. Marrow. Camaro. One extra syllable did not seem that hard to say. He never called her “Harry” instead of Harriet. Camaro realized that several seconds had passed since she spoke and had to reply. 

“Talk about what?” he asked. Camaro rarely spoke which seemed to get him in more trouble than not. He had a tendency to respond to rhetorical questions literally. If you asked him “Is it hot enough for you?” he would in great detail let you know that, yes, it was indeed hot but not hot enough to cause him any discomfort. 

“I like your voice” Harriet replied completely ignoring his question. He needed to get off the phone before he went over his minutes. Camaro had a very indistinguishable accent. It was neither foreign nor domestic. It just…was. “I think we need some time apart.” Harriet waited for Camaro to respond. She had been with him for six months. When she first noticed him sitting near the track watching others running she immediately knew she had to have him. Yes, she was already dating Todd Stevens but that was getting her nowhere. Being seen with someone that looked like Camaro would for sure rocket her up the social ladder. 

She liked that Camaro seemed mysterious. All of the girls wanted him but were afraid to approach. All of the guys either feared or hated him. There were rumors that he had been expelled from his last school for breaking a teachers arm but Harriet didn’t believe that. She’d never even seen him angry even when they were crossing the street and someone tapped him while they were walking with their bumper. It didn’t knock them over but it did hurt. A large guy jumped from the vehicle and began shouting at them. Harriet was about to start screaming when Camaro stepped forward and stared the guy down. He ran back to his car and peeled off. 

Harriet thought that was hot. Little did she know that later that same evening Camaro had found the man and…let’s just say that he’ll never have to worry about finding a parking spot ever again. 

“Time apart would be good” Camaro said into the phone and hung up. He could smell the gun oil before he felt the muzzle pressed against the back of his neck. He sighed and turned to face his aunt Stacy. “Good afternoon. Glad to see you decided to wake up. When is dinner?”

“Whenever you pick it up” she said while lighting a cigarette. “Girl trouble again?” she asked. Camaro slid past her and into the small living room. “Listen, Camaro” she began. “I know you want to be normal but you‘re-”

“-‘not like other kids.‘ I’ve heard this a thousand times” he finished. “I have no desire to be like everyone else.”

“You do know that the way you behave attracts women, right?” Camaro raised his eyebrow skeptically at his aunt. “Silent, mysterious, and handsome. You’re what grown women write about to live out their pedophiliac fantasies towards young men. Keep it up and you’ll be a father before graduation.” Stacy paused and inhaled her cigarette before thumping the ash on the porch. Camaro sighed, walked past her again, grabbed a broom, and swept it down the steps. “Are you a virgin?”

“We’re not having this conversation.” Camaro leapt onto the banister, pulled himself up to the slanted roof, and made his way to his bedroom window. He heard his aunt laugh and close the front door. A few minutes later there was a knock at the door. “Yes?” Stacy cracked the door open an inch.

“Get some rest” she said. “I’ve already let the school know you wont be in tomorrow. Big job tonight. Don’t forget to oil your guns.”

“Have I ever forgotten to oil my guns?” he asked. Stacy closed the door and Camaro pulled his phone from his pocket, switched it off, and in moments fell into a deep sleep.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Dante Looks Back At The LA Riots

There was a riot twenty years ago. I find it hard to believe that it was actually that damned long ago. So much has happened to this city and planet since that time but nothing quite as ridiculous as the LA Riots. Oh, sorry. Some people refer to it as “The Uprising” which when I first heard I laughed at.

up·ris·ing 1. A sometimes limited popular revolt against a constituted government or its policies; a rebellion. 2. The act or an instance of rising or rising up.

By definition it was an uprising, but so was me telling my mother that I refused to stop calling her by her first name. They say that the Rodney King verdict was the cause of all of the looting, burning, attacks, and killings that occurred. I say it was a bunch, thousands, of people who said “Let’s take advantage of a bad situation!” And by god they did.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Kids These Days 4

I typed in "insane child" on Google and this was one of the first images to pop up. It needs to be replaced with an image of a child doing what apparently is the latest trend: drinking motherfucking hand sanitizer to get goddamn drunk. Kids are stupid. This is not new information. They have to be clothed, fed, and changed until hopefully they start doing that shit for themselves.

Pictured: Responsible teen.

What are you, an ass? I know that kids want to get fucked up on stuff (click here to watch a news report). They sniff glue, lick windows, and eat paint chips. I get it. Life is hard. What with growing tits, having bad skin, and having to do homework all week sometimes even on Fridays. Oh, the pain of it all! It seems that liquid sanitizer has 62% ethyl alcohol and is 120 proof. That’s more proof than they tried to use against OJ Simpson!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

What's The Scariest Thing In The World?

Ask someone what the scariest thing in the world is. Some will say aliens, bees, ghosts, poverty, or even clowns. And they are all correct. There is no set standard for fear. Anything can be scary. But I’m here to tell you what the scariest thing on the planet is. Sure, at first you’ll laugh at me and think I’m being silly but afterwards you’ll be afraid to be in the same building as this thing.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Five Things I Learned Working At Pet Stores

I’ve worked at some strange places doing strange things. Whenever I have an interview where I am asked “How do you handle stress?” or “What do you do if you have to refuse someone service?” I just laugh inside…and then lie to their face knowing my ass would do the complete opposite of what I tell them. Hey, a man needs money to live, okay?

I’ve worked at two pet stores in my life. Petco when it was on Melrose and a shitty ass one on Venice Blvd. that I wont name because fuck you. I really hated that job. I’ve had jobs that I flat out didn’t like but could still do it without looking obviously miserable but the pet store was not that job. Here’s a list of five things I learned while working at them.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 9

There’s something I’ve wanted to do ever since I was knee high. Seriously. I was a very tiny child. This is something I assume that most men dreamed of doing when they were growing up. Damn it, if you didn’t then something is wrong with you, not me!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Best, Worst, & Most Stressful Jobs

There was this list just released of the best, worst, and most stressful jobs in the U.S. This list bothers me for a bunch of reasons and since I’m all about bitching I’ve decided to write about it. So join me as I go on a tirade for no reason until TMZ comes on.

Now people know what kinda jobs I have had. In order I have cleaned at a hospital, read scripts, worked at two pet stores, moved dead bodies at a hospital, a mailroom, reality show transcribing, and assistant editor for shows. Each of these have their good and bad sides. I mean, no one goes to work at a porn shop happy or to move corpses chipper.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 8

When I was growing up my parents thought that I was gonna be someone that did all kinds of things to myself that would be deemed socially unacceptable by society. I didn’t much to their surprise and/or dismay. Most of the people that know me know that I’m not extreme nor do I search for attention but looking the way I do manages to draw it anyway. I appear so anonymous that its unsettling so why help stand out more?

Dante's Ugly Church Shirt

Years ago my friend Ford invited me to go to church with him and his mom. I never went to church regularly but still decided to go. I asked my mother to get me a “church shirt.” Everyone knows what a damn church shirt is. It’s a very dressy type of shirt that you’d never wear anywhere but church. If you did people would look at you and say “Wow. That guy is totally wearing a church shirt outside.

So the night before I go to church my mother shows me the shirt she got me. I shit you not this was one of the ugliest shirts I’ve ever seen in my life. Till, like, now! It was long sleeved, huge, and covered in fruit. Yes. Fruit. All over the shirt.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

What Easter Means To Dante

Once a year my parents would drag my heathen ass to church. I would have to wear nice clothes, be bored out of my mind, and fall asleep while a lot of loud Black people sang songs I didn’t understand. In the modern world its known as Easter. And what does Easter mean?

“Christians believe, according to Scripture, that Jesus came back to life, or was raised from the dead, three days after his death on the cross. As part of the Easter season, the death of Jesus Christ by crucifixion is commemorated on Good Friday, always the Friday just before Easter. Through his death, burial, and resurrection, Jesus paid the penalty for sin, thus purchasing for all who believe in him, eternal life in Christ Jesus.”

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 7

Till this day whenever I am a part of a gathering I see these things everywhere. People cant function without them and when they don’t work damn near lose their minds. For 33 years I have managed to not own one nor do I ever plan on getting one. It seems that it will be forced into my hands some day but I will go down fighting to keep it away!

Dante Saves You: The Warriors Edition

Sometimes in life you get thrown monsters, zombies, and vampires. And then other times God says “Fuck you! Fight the city!” This week I’m gonna try my damnedest to have you survive the baddest gangs of the movie The Warriors.

Pictured: The Warriors. Be scared.

There’s gangs like The Rogues, Boppers, Boil Avenue Runners, Electric Eliminators, Savage Huns, and even Satan’s Mothers. I shit you not, that’s an actual gang in the movie. If you listen to me you’ll make it home safely. Most of you. Some of you will try your damnedest to not listen to me and get knived by some asshole dressed like a mime. That would be one of the Hi-Hats.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Wanna Take A Porn Star To Prom?

There’s this dude in Minnesota that was going to prom. That’s not a news story. What is a news story is that he was gonna go with a porn star! I use that term lightly. If you wanna be technical about it Kim Kardashian is a porn star.

Nothing like tasting your lunch on the way down and up!

Good luck getting that image out of your head. The guy that was gonna, past tense, take a porn star to his prom is Mike Stone. Jesus. Now that is a porn name! He sent out Twitter messages to many people and Megan Piper responded. Here is a picture of her.