Sunday, September 29, 2013

Riding Roller Coasters At The LA County Fair

Yesterday me, Cam, and Jen-Jen went to the L.A County Fair in Pomona. Cam isn't even trying to fuck around with those so she watched while we screamed like lunatics. This was super fun but we were sore afterward. I actually have bruises on my left arm and leg from riding.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Johnny Panic: Panic In K-Town

Let's pretend for a minute that you have no idea who I am. You look at me and go “Oh, my god! That is one of the most attractive guys I've ever seen in my life! No other man can compare to him!” And you'd be telling the truth because no other man is like me. I'm a superhero. Not just any superhero, but the only one.

I'm Johnny Panic.

But you knew that already. You're pretending that you don't. Let me give you a little back story on me. I found out I could fly when I was a kid after some idiot brought an eagle to school for us to look at and it broke free, I panicked, and flew. Later I found out I was stutardedly strong. That's a word me and my lady Ronica came up with. Yes, I have a girl. She used to run my fan page and helped me out years ago when the president tried to frame me for a plane explosion. She's hot. I got her pregnant, too.

My baby is better than yours.

I'm getting ahead of myself. This isn't about my life story which you can purchase in audio book with a movie coming soon. This is about three idiots that are ruining my trip to Los Angeles by taking hostages at a bank. I normally don't handle small things like this but they asked for me specifically. I usually fight bigger things like meteors heading towards us, super AIDS, and giraffes. I fucking hate those things. They just creep me out. With their long necks and black tongues. Ugh. Just...ugh.

Dante Vs Nature 28

Fucking nature. Yesterday I came home like I do and saw this creature on my screen. I went and tried to give him the good old fashioned Pine Sol good morning. This thing just took it like the dirty whore it is! I sprayed until people across the street started looking at me. I may have been laughing maniacally. 

This thing eventually gets tired of me and crawls down to the bottom onto my sill. I continue to spray it. It starts to climb back up the screen! What the fuck is going on?! I get fed up but pick my spot. I wait until it climbs back on the screen and thump the shit out of it! It falls and banks right and lands on my other screen! I thump it again and it lands near the edge and looks at me before flying away. Yes, I checked for it when I came home today.

Click here for previous Dante Vs Nature

Monday, September 23, 2013

Rosscast Episode 291: Look At My Eyes, Roll 'Em

In this episode I bitch about gnats, The DC Sniper movie, that Grizzly Man documentary, Bitches Be Crazy with a new bride pushing her husband off a cliff, Only In Florida with a man with special needs being robbed for a video game, We Going To Hell with a man trying to exorcise his old ass girlfriend, and Missed Connections as read by Pretty Ricky. Click here to download this and past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Would You Have Sex With 100,000 People?

What makes someone want sex? Me, personally, its because it feels awesome...most times. There have been plenty of times where it just didn't feel good. The stars were not aligned and gods whose names we no longer speak for fear of retribution stir and it doesn't feel good to bone. What makes someone want to have sex with 100,000 people? I have no idea. But Ania Lisewka of Poland wants to do this. That number is not a typo. You know how many people attended the last Superbowl? 71,024. Add on about 29,000 and that is how many dicks she wants to occupy her body.

"It's okay! I brought the Wetwipes!"

Not at once. That isn't possible. The most I've ever seen was 6. You figure out how that looks because I'm not gonna describe it. If you had me sit and make a list of the amount of women I've ever wanted to have sex with in my would be long. But not in the hundreds let alone thousands. Lisewska, who is 21, says that she is doing this as a statement about sex positivity. I have no idea what the fuck that means but what I do know is that I wouldn't touch this dame with a ten foot dick.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Rosscast Episode 290: The Great Shove

In this episode I talk about my new glasses, technology I'm trying to get, cleaning my face with coffee, We Going To Hell featuring a man getting mad about a three-way, a Dude What The Fuck? with a guy fucking inanimate objects, and two Only In Florida stories. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Tig Ol' Bitties Massage

I was trolling the internet like I do and found this story about this chick named Kristy Love in Georgia that gives massages uses her big ass breasts. She's 34 and has boobs that are 48NN. That is not a typo. I didn't even know that was an actual size. At a certain point it should just become a symbol. Like “My breasts are size Exclamation Point.” I think if I were a chick and my boobs got that big that I would have to do something about it. Like exactly what she is doing. Fuck surgery to get them smaller.

“THE premiere CMT (certified massage therapist) BBW (big beautiful woman) body rub specialist taking Atlanta AND the world to an all new level of BBW adult entertainment.”

Her clients can get normal massages but seriously who the fuck is going there for that? You want a normal one you go to the places that speak perfect English and don't even give you a happy ending. Love also does sensual massages which means that all she does is sensual massages. She also has a special called “happy man works” where she just uses her breasts to give a massage. I have never had a professional massage but I assume that hands and elbows do a better job than having huge titties rubbed all over you.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Kids These Days 22

I know that the girl in this story is 22 but I am in my 30's so fuck it she's a kid to me. One day I'll be 50 and writing about how stupid 30-something's are. Samantha Goudie was arrested for trying to get on the field during a University of Iowa football game. After being arrested she of course went to her now deleted Twitter account where she posted under the name, @Vodka_samm, and was rather jubilant about her arrest. Oh, her blood alcohol level was .341 which was four times the legal limit.

“Just went to jail #yolo”

“I'm going to get .341 tattooed on me because its so epic,”

“Girl waiting for court with me goes 'I wish I knew the girl who blew a .341' I said hi.”

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Rosscast Episode 289: Guns Don't Go There

In this episode I talk about my new tattoo, my new bathroom, a Dude What The Fuck? with a man hiding a gun where nothing should be hidden, Only In Florida involving a man, bad parenting, and a strip club, and Listener Questions from Toya and Njeeeri. Then my show gets taken over by special guests. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Shit Just Got Real 6

I was watching this news story a few days ago about this chick, Melinda Slick, and how she got told off by a bus driver. In late August while on the bus Slick complained to the driver about how cold it was on the bus. She sat there with her arms tucked into her shirt and eventually got off the bus. There were some more words between the two and before Slick got off the bus the driver said to her "As long as you’re short, fat and white, you will not speak to me like that again."

In an interview Slick said that she was "completely speechless. I didn’t know what to say. As soon as I stepped off the bus, I lost it. The tears just started flowing. I have struggled with my weight my whole entire life. I’ve been bullied and picked on all through school because of it." I've spoken before how it is to ride buses here (click here to read my Five Things I Learned Riding The Bus) and how you are at the mercy of the drivers. You can talk shit to them all you want but they can also choose to kick your ass off the bus.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Five Things I Learned From Facebook

Years ago I started a Facebook account and closed it down after two days because it was not Myspace. There were people I didn't know on it and folks that I would never talk to anyway. But back in late 2008 I joined because it changed and folks started leaving Myspace with the quickness. Now I am on the damn thing pretty much every single day posting links to my different sites (Fill Your Food Hole, Long Black Fingers, Dante Rants, Dantania, The West Hollywood Life, Rockets & Chicken) and laugh at friend requests I get.

In this Five Things I Learned From Facebook I'm going to talk about the things that I've learned from being on the site, good and bad. Mostly bad. But some good. If it was totally bad I sure as hell wouldn't be on it. Or maybe I would. Some of your friends post some funny ass pictures that are supposed to be sexy. I employed the help of Miley Cyrus for this.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Rosscast Episode 288: Doing The Cumberbatch

In this episode that was years in the making I am joined by Heather Cox! She's the author of the novel California King which is amazing and you all should read. In this episode we discuss the novel, the portrayal of women in film, BBC series Sherlock and Doctor Who, my inability to pronounce Benedict Cumberbatch, and whatever else came to mind. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast Shows.

Click here to order California King.

Click here to check out Heather Is Love.