Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Sh!t I Wish They Taught In School

Being a grown up sucks and can be a bag of dicks if you do it wrong. But it rules sometimes. Like when I can sit up in bed eating a bowl of cereal at 1am without anyone talking shit. But for the most part its a terrible series of tragedies that come one after another. If you are an adult and don't know someone with cancer, has had a childhood friend die, or been in a car accident I wonder how you can read this blog post from your shack in the woods.

This post will have nothing to do with giving tips on how to be an adult. Its just a list of shit that I wish they had taught in school. I mean, you would think that a prison that they make you go to from the ages of 5 to 18 from 7am till 3pm would take at least one day out of the week to explain to you how the world actually operates. Trust me. All the shit I learned about Prohibition, The Civil War, and the periodic tables don't mean shit to me unless I'm watching Jeopardy.

Mind you, not everyone has the issue that I'm gonna write about. If that is the case you can just move along now. Seriously. I won't hate you. I'm sure Buzzfeed has a totally interesting article about cats or some show that social justice warriors love. I'll be here talking to the rest of the uncivilized world about a few things they never bothered to cover in school.

Monday, December 28, 2015

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 6

I step outside and hiss. Saucy hands me some shades and I put them on. Beef is trying his best not to burst into tears. I feel oddly confident. Sure, we're about to play dodge ball with a bunch of Marines but things could be worse. I could be playing dodge ball with a bunch of Marines. Wait. That didn't come out right. Softy comes over and places her hand on my shoulder.

“How's the dick?” she asks. Saucy quickly walks away.

“Average I'd say, but surprisingly adequate” I tell her. “Don't believe me? Ask my stepmom.”

“Okay...” she says and walks away.

That big ass ant is over against a wall dodging side to side against an opponent I can't see. It sees me looking and waves. I don't wave back. It shrugs and continues. My hands begin shaking so I put them in my pocket.

“Beautiful day to die” Google says and begins doing what can only be described as those old school calisthenics. “But I've led a good life. I have very few regrets. That's all we can really ask for out of life when you think about it. What's with the sunglasses?”

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Whites Only "Reunion"

“It had a great, high wall with twelve gates, and with twelve angels at the gates. On the gates were written the names of the twelve tribes of Israel.” Revelation 21:12

Jim ran to the spot that Satan just occupied. Could he have been telling the truth? In all honesty Heaven had not been concerned with the planet Earth for quite a while. Time moved differently for them. In the amount of time it took for Red to ensure that his robe looked righteously tattered three humans will have been born, lived, and died of old age.

“Belial! Tsor! Wicked one! Little horn! Apollyon!” Red shouted as he shook his first to the ground.

“We do not have time for that right now” Jim said as he exited the room. “One hundred million angels and none knew this was going to happen?”

“How could they?” Red asked.

“Oh, shut up” Jim whispered. He grabbed a cherubim that was battling the loose souls and demons by flailing wildly at nothing by its small wings. “Where is the Lord?”

“Aah!” the human face shouted while the bull and lion remained silent.

“Those always creeped me out if I'm being honest” Red said as Jim released the cherubim. “I mean...why do they even look like that? Seems a bit excessive.”

Pick Me, Teacher!!!

I'm a fucking man-child. I am totally aware of this. I want as few responsibilities as possible, hate having to adult, and possess a very vivid memory particularly when it comes to the past and the opposite sex. In school I didn't have many attractive teachers. I don't even need one hand to count them all. I could have those honked up lobster hands and still have a digit left. I say all of this to defend my upcoming thoughts regarding this story of a 28 year old teacher named Haeli Wey from a high school in Texas called Westlake that had the sex with a couple of male students from her school. If you already have your comments regarding how terrible a teacher sleeping with a student is you can save it. I've done dozens of blogs like this one and am tired of defending my penis.

Now, from the jump this story is all kinds of wrong. Wey was on a trip with one of the boys family in Africa. For real. How about wondering why a teacher is going on a trip with the family of one of her students? The dad had to know something was up. One of the boys, I refuse to say victim, met her at a student ministry program and...wait. What? Red flag number one! In case you don't know, most religious based school programs are for hooking up. Later that summer their relationship became more physical on the trip to Africa. The muthafuckin' cradle of civilization! 

Friday, December 18, 2015

Kids These Days 62

I hate the youth of this world. I don't even care of it makes me sound like an old man. Its true. Bunch of idiots that are going to make sure the future is as terrifying as possible. I found out about this thing called the Condom Challenge. No, its not that thing where I get laid once every two years and have to race to find a condom in my apartment. 

It started off with snorting a condom and pulling it out through your throat. I didn't know that this was the original way to do this. There is no real reason anyone should be doing this. Ever. Unless you just like the idea of video of you sticking a greasy ass condom up your nose and yanking out through your throat. Which you shouldn't. I'm sick of people thinking that doing something like this is a challenge. I would imagine that tying your shoes or crossing the street safely is a challenge for kids that think this stuff is a good idea. Its hard enough doing the Black Guy With No Criminal Record Challenge let alone dying with a condom lodged in my throat.

Dante Vs. Nature 59

If there's one thing nature loves more than making humanity change the color of their pants its coming up with weird ass new creatures. There were these two new spiders discovered because if there's one thing I always say its that we do not have enough goddamn spiders on this planet.

This first one is called a Sparklemuffin. I'm not kidding. That's its name. Some college student that helped discover it named it that because they ran out of Pokemon names I guess. They are jumping spiders which are common and those kind that you try and catch thinking its gonna run away and it ends up jumping and making girls and men that thought they were not afraid of spiders yelp.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Castaway Accused Of Making Manwich Out Of Man

This dude from Salvador that survived for 438 days at sea is in deep trouble thanks to the family of the guy that he was with that is dead. 37 year old Jose Salvador Alvarenga and this 22 year old guy named Ezequiel Córdoba that was paid $50 set out to sea and shit got real when the small fishing boat got caught up in a storm and ended up over 6,000 miles away from where they were supposed to be. Alvarenga ended up writing a book about surviving this whole thing and the death of Córdoba.

Alvarenga says that he ate his own fingernails to survive and that his partner had trouble handling the situation. Gee. Ya think? He says he also ate raw fish, turtle blood, and his own piss. His friend died after a few months at sea and made Alvarenga promise not to eat his body and to tell his mother what had occurred. Córdoba's mother thinks that Alvarenga ate her son to survive an wants a million bucks from him. He says he talked to the dead body for almost a week before washing his feet, taking his clothes, and then slipping him into the ocean.

Alvarenga said in an interview “Not for one second did I think of eating Ezequiel. I wouldn't have done it, even if it meant that I starved. It would have been on my conscience forever.” His lawyer thinks the dead dudes family just wants some money. Well, I can understand that. And chances are her did make a Manwich out of their son. I don't know what I'd do in that situation. I don't think I could eat someone I knew. But I probably would.  

Monday, December 14, 2015

Kids These Days 61

There are some things that I had to do as a kid in school that I'm not sure is allowed or legal anymore. Not just because kids are more likely to talk about their feelings and have their parents actually give a damn. But mostly because I'm pretty sure some of this stuff was mentally and physically bad for you. Here are a few that I thought of.

Clapping Erasers. This was a total bullshit punishment that I had to do quite a few times in the 2nd grade. My teacher Miss Webb (the one with the melted fingertips that I've mentioned in the past) hated me and made it no secret. She would make me go to this small balcony area outside of the classroom and clap together two erasers from the chalkboard. It would create this terrible cloud of chalk and you'd look like you were in an orgy with three Pillsbury Doughboys. 

When other kids would pass by they knew that I'd done something to piss a teacher off if I was clapping erasers together. I'm not even sure if schools still use these and not dry erase boards. Do they? If they do I doubt any teacher is getting away with making kids these this anymore. This is so rare now that I couldn't even find a decent picture of it happening!

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Five Things I Learned Doing A Lot Of Stuff

My friend Josh sent me a Cracked article that didn't make me feel bad or annoyed with the writing on that site in general. By the way I know that they are always looking for writers and that I can contribute to their site if I win the chance. I have sent a few things in years ago and never got anything published. Also, I just don't need it to happen. I have thirteen blogs with thousands and thousands of things that I have written about. I am close to 2,000 posts on this site alone.

When you do a lot of different things people that don't (or some that do a bit of them) will have things they want to tell you. In this Five Things I Learned Doing A Lot Of Stuff I'm going to try to not sound too bitter. I'll likely fail because I know how I am when it comes to this kinda thing. Having hobbies or skills that others think they can cash in on makes for strange relationships and every few years I pick something up and get told “You can get paid for that.” I know this. I don't care. This is why. Oh, and anything colored is a link to something I do or am talking about.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Johnny Panic: Check Your Privilege Part 3 of 3

Click here for previous Check Your Privilege.

“I mean, honestly, who really cares about Johnny Panic anymore? Yeah, about ten years ago when he was a cute teenager flying through the air kicking tanks and saving old ladies as they crossed the street while an 18-wheeler barreled towards them we cheered him on but today he shtick is played. Yeah, he's rich. Yeah, he's hot. But I'm sick of seeing his face. I'm not the only one right?”

“Who is this ass-rascal?” I ask Ronica. We're sitting on the couch watching this chick talk mad shit about me. And the audience is applauding. Applauding, I say!

“Her name's Aphrodite Malone” she tells me. “She used to be a big time blogger, still is sometimes, but about a month ago they gave her a talk show.”


“People think she is funny” Ronica says. “I've read a few of her posts. I don't find her funny at all. She just complains about everything and other bitchy people cheer her on. Like now.”

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Dante Rants About The San Bernardino Shooting

I have trouble relating to people emotionally. I know that it can be considered bad but it helps me get through this crazy ass world. For those that don't know, years ago I worked at one of the largest hospitals on the West coast. My job title, patient escort, meant that I had to move supplies, samples, and people around the hospital. This mean living or dead people.

Yes. I moved dead bodies.

While working there for a cool $10.25 an hour I got to witness a lot of tragedy on an almost daily basis. A good day was maybe taking only two cancer patients to get chemo or taking someone to their car with their family as they were discharged. A bad day are days that are burned into my mind for the rest of my life. I had to talk to more family members than I can remember while their family member was being wrapped up for me to take away on a gurney. Some were okay while some cried their eyes out to me while thinking “I hope I am making them feel better.” And I did. Lots of patients while leaving thanked me for being so nice or just talking to them like a normal person.

Most times people just need an outlet of some sort. Hopefully a healthy one that doesn't involve liquor, getting high, or violence. This brings me to the reason I even started this ramble fest. Today at the Inland Regional Center in San Bernardino there was a shooting. They call it a mass shooting. The facility describes itself as “an agency among agencies, Inland Regional Center coordinates with generic services to normalize the lives of people with developmental disabilities and their families by working to include them in the everyday routines and life rhythms of the community and by facilitating needed supports for them.”

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 5

The night goes by pretty uneventfully. I half hoped and was half afraid that Saucy was going to touch me in my sleep but he didn't. He was a perfect gentleman. I don't see what his wife's problem is. She got three kids out of him. Let him touch some dick. He's obviously given it to her in the past. But whatever. That's their problem. It is now morning time and I'm gonna do some physical activities with the women! Saucy is up before me and doing stretches. I try to bend and touch my toes and my back sounds like someone stepped on a bag of chips.

“Good God, boy!” Saucy says. “You need to get that checked out.”

“I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?” I ask him. “Wait. That didn't make sense, did it?” Someone taps on the door once and enters.

“You have three minutes” Mr. W. Scott says and closes the door. He sticks his head back in for a moment and checks off his clipboard then leaves again.

“That man is a living Harry Potter villain” Saucy says. “How are you holding up, kid?”

“I'll let you know as soon as the room stops moving” I tell him. Someone knocks at the door again. “The fuck is this? A sitcom?”