Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Lindze Ala Mode Makes Me Happy

Years ago there used to be these commercials that they would play on the Cartoon Network for this cartoon I don't like called Aqua Teen Hunger Force (but for whatever reason I can do the voice of one of the characters, Meatwad). In the commercial there was this chick dancing. They just show her from neck to hips and she is just standing there swaying side to side. Every year or so this commercial would cross my mind and each and every damned time I would struggle to find it online. I would find people who were skeptical of her sexuality and just based solely on her from the neck down I would think to myself “I think its worth the chance of having a crying game moment” because I'm a terrible person. I admit this. So today I did more than just watch a 30 second video and get my inner perv on. This time I got my research perv on!

Meet Lindze Ala Mode! That is the name of the chick I have spent years checking out. She does cosplay stuff which I am almost always a fan of. I also realized while doing “research” on Lindze that I had used her picture in a recent blog talking about that shitty new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. There are a lot of pictures of her online so if you feel like seeing a woman that makes every comic book character look far sexier than any movie counterpart. I need to see if she ever dressed as Wonder Woman. Just checked. She wore a dress. I disagree with this decision. The picture you see here is her dressed as Morrigan from the Darkstalkers video game. I agree with this decision so hard.  

Click here for previous Makes Me Happy.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Johnny Panic: That One Time I Blew That Place Up

One day back in, like, 2011 I was hanging out with Zazz who happens to be my health deficit best friend. We were stuck in traffic on Wilshire Boulevard sitting in The Beast which is my monstrous, black SUV. Zazz said it brought too much attention to him then got his feelings hurt when I told him that he couldn't draw attention if I gave him a pencil and sketchpad. Then I wrote that line down because it was too good to not. He was mad that I wanted a theme song. I told him that every superhero has a theme song. He said that they weren't real. I poked him in the belly and told him that I was real as well as our feelings towards one another.

By the way, I'm Johnny Panic.

Hello. You look great. You smell great, too. Is that a new shirt? Looks great on you! I'm serious! Anyway, bringing it back to me. I'm a superhero. I can fly, lift stuff, and, like, shout loud. I'm also Mr. Steal Yo Chick. I'm kidding! I have a girl. Her name is Ronica and chances are she'd never date you. I'm sorry, but she just doesn't feel that way about you. Don't make this awkward. Don't be mad! Come here. Please? Come here. There ya go. Bring it in for a hug. Yeah. Feels good, right? Almost...too good?

“Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, and even the X Men to a certain extent have their own songs” I told him. “Wouldn't it be cool if when I showed up to wreck shit a song was playing?” Zazz sighed and stared at the top of the car in front of us. The Beast was so damned high up we couldn't see anything else.

“Whatever song you played would have to be loud enough to be heard over the sound of you landing and destroying everything” he said because he's a hater. “Why would you want danger knowing that you were arriving? That seems counterproductive.”

“Your face is counterproductive” I said. He was always trying to stop fun things from being fun. “Have you ever heard of waxy flexibility?”

“Waxy what?” he asked.

Kids Stuff That Ruined Kids Lives

Growing up there comes a time when someone is gonna refer to you as a cartoon character. Most times it is a nice name like Pooh or Sugar Bear. Those are nice things to be called. Other times you get called by a name and the shit sticks with you for the rest of your life. As an adult people start talking about how much they love a certain cartoon and suddenly your ass flashbacks and once again you're on the playground surrounded by asshole children laughing at you. “Leave my teeth alone, Rachar! You're fat! I hate you!” Oh, sorry. Just had a flashback.

When I was little I knew a kid called Gizmo from the Gremlins movie. I can't tell you his actual name for shit. Until I die that kid is known as Gizmo. Know why? Because he looked exactly like Gizmo in human form. Hell, I have two uncles whose real names I don't know.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right

You ever know those kinda people that just have to fuck up? Like, no matter what is going on they will find ways to make things even worse. Meet Johnny Wilkins. This 42 year old guy from Spartanburg, South Carolina was attending court ordered anger management classes because he thinks that the best way to deal with women is to punch them. After getting out of class he was picked up by his ex-girlfriend named Eingar Hughes. Did your eyebrow raise too? This is the same woman he beat up and ended up going to the classes. It's fine. You can roll your eyes. I did. Makes it kinda hard to type. So while he was in the car with Eingar (sounds like a video game boss' name) they got into a fight and he slapped the shit out of her. She wasn't taking that so she ended up fighting him back. Wilkins ended up being arrested and is locked up on $5,237 bond. Eingar was not because she was just defending herself from this violent assclown. Why is his bail so low anyway? Bail amounts never make sense to me. 

Now I like to consider myself somewhat of an abuse expert. I don't think people should go around hitting other people unless it is your job. Being a cop doesn't count. I learn how to read between the lines of assault. When a woman stays with a guy that beats her ass and vice versa that person either got their asses beat growing up and never decided that being hit wasn't normal. Sometimes they don't think they are worth shit and deserve to be hit. Some people are afraid to leave their abuser. And sometimes...sometimes the person being hit is also violent as fuck.

Meet the Best Teacher Ever

All me to introduce you to the best teacher in America: Felicia Smith. This 42 year old teacher at Stovall Middle School in Texas was arrested for giving a 15 year old student a lapdance for his birthday. I should probably mention that it was in school. In front of the class. While they played music. And recorded it. She has been charged with a felony which sucks because I am all for this. I now that she is a teacher and that this kid is a student but I have an alleged penis and I know what it is like to be young and want some woman on you. I have read some of her students defending her online and I have a message for them: stop. The way these kids are writing is not a testament to her teaching skills. And stop recording shit! This story would seem bad if it happened but the fact that its documented on video makes it way worse. Why would you record it? To show it to other loud mouthed ass friends later?

I know some of you are saying how it shouldn't have happened in the first place. You probably have kids or are one of those people who have that bullshit that starts with an M. Damn, what do they call that? Morals. Yeah, that. I'm not sure how cops found out about this but they did and then talked to the boy and his mother. This was his chance to pull a “I can neither confirm nor deny” and he failed.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Dante Bitches About People Magazine Most Beautiful Person Kinda

People Magazine released their choice for the most beautiful person of the year. Last year it was Gwyneth Paltrow which just drove me crazy. There are a lot of Paltrow apologists and that's fine. You have the right to be wrong. This year they chose Lupita Nyong'o. For those of you that don't know who she is you didn't see 12 Years A Slave for which you can be happy that you have those couple of extra hours of your lives. She was also in Non-Stop for a moment or two which caught me off guard because I thought they would've pushed the fact that this award winner was in it.

I didn't know much about this chick so I did some research. Like, real research. Turns out she was born in Mexic City, Mexico and identifies herself as Mexican-Kenyan. If you'd asked me I would have said that she was just from Africa. Not just her parents, but her. She's 31 years old and speaks about four languages. When she was 16 her parents sent her back to Mexico for half a year to finish learning Spanish. She ended up living a good chunk of her life in Kenya as well. Now that we got facts out of the way it is time for me to introduce my thoughts. This is usually the part where people start texting while I'm talking.

She said in an interview that she grew up thinking that “light skin and flowing, straight hair” was what made women desirable. That hasn't changed no matter how many fine ass short haired women get famous and do good things. I love when a woman has short hair. She gets ready faster, I can be more touchy, and we can share hair care products. Don't get me wrong. I think Lupita is pretty as fuck. That's a compliment in case anyone is wondering.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Guns Do Not Go There

I love when you find a story about a woman using her parts for things I would never think to do if I were a woman. This 19 year old chick from Tennessee named Dallas Archer, which I do have to say is a totally bad ass name, was arrested for driving with a suspended license.

A corrections officer did search on her when they realized that something was cray-cray in her vajayjay. So they took her to another room where it was discovered that she had something doing in her business.

A loaded North American Arms 22 LR revolver that was actually loaded was inside of her. She used her vagina as a purse. This is fucking nuts. There has been stories like this before and each time I am just in awe. I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often. When guys stick things in themselves I am horrified. When women do it I'm intrigued.

It turns out that the gun was stolen from a car in 2013 from a 70 year old guy named John Souther. He said that he would like the gun back at some point but that the gun would need “a bath in bleach.” Archer was charged with introducing contraband as well as gun possession. Shockingly, she was released after posting $6,000 bond. Come on now! How can you let someone go that stuck a gun, a loaded gun, into their body and tried to bring it into a jail? By the way, you may notice multiple pictures of this chick being used.

She's been arrested a few times. I always find it interesting when someone has a lot of mugshots. I can actually see the physical downfall of people. Maybe that makes me a bad person. I don't have one mugshot let alone two or three so yay for me and all that. Seriously.

You know how rare it is for a 35 year old Black guy to have never been arrested? I should have a parade! These are just the mugshots I could find. She might have been arrested a shit ton of times before she was even 18 years old. 

The last two pictures are from last year. She has been arrested for things like selling drugs, speeding, stealing, driving with a suspended license. You know. The usual. No one has mentioned a kid being involved which I'm happy for because these kinda stories with chicks tend to have some kid involved.

How scary must it be to stick a loaded gun into your body? I get nervous when I see people put them in the belts in movies. Do you stick it in barrel first? I'd think so because when you needed to use it you would have to be able to quickly yank it out.

Am I using way too much logic with this story and situation? Perhaps. I have wondered for most of my life what I would be like if I were arrested. I always say that I would become like a pig released to the wild. I for sure would never try to bring something into jail. I wouldn't even bring my glasses! Why the fuck do I want to be able to see the horror around me? 

Dude, What The F**k?! 10

This chick in Dover, New Jersey met a guy online and went on a date. Apparently everything was fine until he stole her dog and television. Wait. What?! After heading back to her place she left him alone in a room while she did whatever it is girls do when they leave men alone like not pooping. Girls don't do that. She came back and her Yorkshire Terrier named Violet and TV was just gone. The TV was valued at $3,000 and her dog at $4,000. Police are looking for the dog and “Joel” which was the name he gave her. How does a dog cost that damned much? Is it one of those ones people buy at places instead of just going to a shelter where there are literally thousands of animals being killed all the time that they give away for free or for the cost of a hundred bucks or so? Either way, don't bring strangers to your home.


In Indiana one cop in particular is looking into a mirror every morning and wondering if he could get away with murder. Anthony J. Hopkins (I know, I know...) who is 27 was being arrested for a fight and tried to get away from police. They found his dumb ass in a crawl space and a police dog removed him hopefully with lots of teeth. After being caught he turned and spit on the cop hitting him in the mouth and eyes then saying “Fuck you, I hope you die. You know I have Hep C. I hope you get Hep C and give it to your wife and kids. Once I get out of here I'm going to kill you and your family.” While leading Hopkins up the stairs he struggled and they fell down the stairs. They do not know if he really has Hep C but they do know that he was driving while two times over the legal limit as well as charged with DWI, battery by bodily waste and intimidation, resisting law enforcement, and disorderly conduct. This is a time where I would want a partner that would look the other way. They wouldn't be able to pick up what was left of this asshole with a sponge.

Click here for previous Dude, What The F**k?! Posts.

Kids These Days 37

There is this 18 year old kid from York, Pennsylvania that got into trouble for breaking the rules in the best way possible. No, not by sleeping with a teacher. That's so every other time but right now. Patrick Farves decided to ask Miss America Nina Davuluri to the prom. This is something that was kinda out of control a couple of years back. Soldiers would ask celebrities because you'd look like a dick to say no to someone defending the country. “He took a bullet for our country and you can't skip one highfalutin Hollywood party and take this man to a dance?!” they would cry.

The school knew what he was planning and told him not to do it. He knows what Nina looks like so he probably said “Fuck that!” and hollered at her during a question and answer session at his school.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Are Nike Air Foamposite Pro Yeezy Shoes Worth Getting Shot Over?

Once again someone has been hurt while trying to get a new pair of shoes. It is so silly to me that waiting in line for new things is still something that occurs, but the shoe aspect is even sillier. Isaiah Martinez of Brooklyn, NY was shot in the foot this past Saturday while waiting in line for the new Kanye West designed Nike Air Foamposite Pro “Yeezy” shoes that sale for $250. Kanye don't even play basketball. This is just stupid. While everyone was camped outside of a Foot Locker a little before 6am Martinez decided that it would be a good idea to cut in line. The store would be opening in a couple of hours and when he cut everyone folks got pissed which is totally understandable.

After cutting in line one of the people that were pissed said that they were going to shoot him. He got out of line and came back with a gun and shot him. Other witnesses are saying that the kid was smack talking after he cut in line. A guy that knows Martinez named Edison Catagena said “There were people camped out for the sneakers and Isaiah tried to cut the line. They get into a scuffle and one of the guys on line left and told Isaiah he was coming back with a gun. He came back and just fired off four shots. He probably shot him in the foot just to scare him off. You know, send a message. That's the generation we got now. They shoot each other over shoes.”

Getting shot or attacked over shoes is not a new thing. That has been going on ever since Nike started making Jordan's. The shooter was found today and it turns out he is 14 years old. The store ended up having to stay closed until 11am because of this nonsense and the shoes sold out by 6pm. I wrote a while back about people in Florida rioting over shoes (click here) and being so puzzled by it. Can't you get them later? Order online? I also wrote about those cool ass Macho Man shoes (click here). I'm not waiting for no Kanye shoes. And how is it that these kids were able to wait in line for shoes when the store opens when school starts? Even if there is no school how are they able to afford them? How are they unsupervised? Who is this kid with a gun?!  

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Dante Vs. Nature 41

New images have surfaced (get it?!) of what is being called the Loch Ness Monster. I have heard about this thing ever since I was a kid and for years all that was around were either fake photos or that one that's fuzzier than pro-life logic. These experts on Nessy named Peter Thain and Andy Dixon had this to say. “When Andy got in touch at the beginning of the year, we finally managed to locate a device that had the image on it and asked some boating experts to look at it. They confirmed that while it looks like a boat wake, it cannot be a boat as there is no hull or superstructure visible. This is confirmed by the fact that there are clear images of other boats in the pictures.” I love that someone can be an expert in something that has not been confirmed to exist. That is like someone being an expert on my sex life. I am here all week, folks! But really, how many of you wish that this is real?

I don't think I want this to be real. Best case scenario it is just garbage or fake. Worst case its a fucking dinosaur and fuck those things. As cool as I thought it'd be as a kid to have a pet dinosaur the slightly more logical adult version of me just pictures these things running wild. You ever see those videos of when an elephant gets loose? People running, screaming, getting stomped. Now imagine that but ten to twenty times larger. Nope. No one needs that in their lives. If you told me a dinosaur was roaming around in this country I'd have no choice but to move. I don't want a dinosaur to get bored and mosey its ass to Los Angeles. I was just bragging the other day about how delicious I must taste. This sumbitch would make a beeline for my delicious body and start trolling fast food spots for more Dante's because I have such a robust flavor.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Only In Florida 12

If I told you a story about a pregnant woman who while left alone in a hotel as her partner was out gave birth to her two months premature child in a bathtub you'd call her a hero. What if I also added that she bit through the umbilical cord with her teeth because she had no other means to do it. And then she gave the child CPR to keep it alive for an hour to keep it alive. But then I ruin the whole thing by saying that she was on crack while all of this happened because Florida. Thanks to Heather for sending this madness to me because people who know me know I love crazy.

Pictured: champion.

Chrystal Hassell, 37, of Ocala, Florida was in a hotel room when she decided that crack was just what you do when you're pregnant and already have an 11 month old child. Her unborn baby ruins her crack habit by, you know, deciding to be born so it decided it wanted to come on out. She contacted her man, Vincent Terry, and he started racing to get back to her. He was pulled over by police who normally will help you out in situations such as this. But there was one little problem.

Terry was wanted for attempted murder in Colorado.

If You Can't Beat 'Em Lick 'Em

This weird bastard named Christopher Nicholas Hiatt who is 34 going on 63 was arrested outside of place called Pisser's Palace in Walkerville, Montana. That is a lot of bad on one sentence. Hiatt called cops to report a theft when they realized that there was a warrant out for his arrest. Hiatt is a man that looks like he isn't the type to go quietly into the night so of course he resisted arrest when they tried to handcuff him. When they tried shoving him into the police car he licked the eyeball of one of 'em. Ew! He is in jail on $45,000 bond and has been hit with four charges including felony assault on a police officer as well as assault with bodily fluid. There is a thing where folks like to lick eyeballs but the amount of diseases you can cause doing it or get having it done include styes, the clap, all the way to blindness. Fuck all of that. If I were a cop and you licked my eye I would have no choice but to beat you like a rug. But seriously. This guy is a year younger than me.  

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Human Traffic Cone

There's this chick in Australia named Kimberly Davis that doesn't have the proper amount of respect for human life as most others. Now, I know some of you are calling me a hypocrite since I call for death by potato and/or “helirocktors” (helicopter that drops rocks on people) every other day. But I don't go out of my way to be an asshole. Things have to come into my orbit, fuck with me, then the potatoes come out. This 21 year old was accused of texting while driving when she hit someone on their bike. He ended up with a spinal fracture and was in the hospital for three months. This guy suffered a ton of injuries because this girl wanted to text away on the phone. But that isn't the worst part. Poor Kimberly got a human sized dent in her car!

Click to enlarge
“I just don't care because I've already been through a lot of bullshit and my car is, like, pretty expensive and now I have to fix it. I'm kind of pissed off that the cyclist has hit the side of my car. I don't agree that people texting and driving could hit a cyclist. I wasn't on my phone when I hit the cyclist.” She was fined $4,500 after running dude over and driving away for 300 feet then refused to help him. Reports show she used her phone 44 times while driving before hitting him. She'll be getting her license back near the end of the year. The guys wife says that doctors told her that he was very close to being a paraplegic. I wish I could send my helirockters all the way to Australia and just level this girls car. Just dent the shit out of it. Then fart in her pillow and leave a note saying “You're welcome!” because I am a very polite person. But seriously. Helirockters.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Old Dick Forced To Stand On Corner

There are some people on the planet that just make me wish I had some kinda portable “This is Sparta!” hole to kick them into. This guy in Ohio, 62 year old Edmond Aviv was forced by a judge to holdup a sign while sitting on the corner. The sign says “I AM A BULLY! I pick on children that are disabled, and I am intolerant of those that are different from myself. My actions do not reflect an appreciation for the diverse South Euclid community that I live in.” He had to do this because his neighbor has a husband that has dementia and a bunch of disabled kids that she takes care of. This is that whole public shaming thing that is being tried out more and more.

He called the neighbor lady Sandra Prugh a “Monkey Mama” while she was holding her adopted disabled child that was Black and because when you feel the need to be a bionic dick you don't just stick the tip in he also smeared dog shit on the wheelchair ramp. This went on for 15 years which is about 14 years and 364 days longer than it would've if he was my neighbor.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

When US Airways Fail They Fail Hard

US Airways sure knows how to respond to a customers' complaint, I tell ya what. I never send messages to owners complaining about stuff. The furthest I've gone was writing a Yelp review to a restaurant that delivered me food about 2 and a half hours after I ordered it. When a customer named Elle sent something on Twitter and US Airways responded with an image that once seen can not be unseen.

I'm dragging my heels on purpose. This is me giving you a chance to opt out of seeing this picture. I saw the very uncensored version and made a strange sound. It wasn't quite a scream and it wasn't quite a moan. It was more of an underwater belch.

US Airways issued an apology after the picture was up for about an hour which is along time for this to be hanging up there. Of course they said that they will be looking into this incident. Some sites are saying the image is NSFW (Not Safe For Work) which is the understatement of the year. Saying this image is NSFW is like saying sticking your hand in acid may hurt. This picture is porn.

If you wanna see it click the “read more”below but don't get mad at me later.

I'm serious. You have no right to complain after looking at this picture.

Still here?

Okay. You asked for it.

Human Barbie With No Makeup

By now I think everyone has heard of the Human Barbie whose real name is Valeria Valeryevna Lukyanova. I have seen a Vice special about her and the pictures of her do not even begin to compare to seeing her moving and speaking. It seriously creeped me right the fuck out. Recently she posted a picture of herself without all the crazy makeup on and I was surprised at how normal she looked. I was just talking to someone the other day about how unfair it is that women can change their entire appearance and it is totally normal whereas if I showed up to meet someone and had a pony tail, colored lips, and my face was four shades lighter than the rest of my body they would be worried. “Dante, are you?” Of course! I just felt like being pretty.

Valeria says that the only surgery that she has had was on her breasts. Everything else is natural. I didn't believe her until I saw her without makeup. Now I believe her. A few months ago she said that she was going to stop eating food and drinking water and attempt to live on light and air. This is a real ting called Breatharianism where people believe that they can live off of a vital Hindu life force. Before you ask, yes, people have died trying to do this shit. “I'm gonna wake up and have a giant glass of sunshine! Mmm! Delicious!” Stop that, people. I wish I could feed off of electricity. Like, just stick my finger into a socket and get full of nutrients and not death. That would be cool. For any woman out there trying to look like this chick, don't. I've never wanted to run my fingers over a chick's ab riddled stomach. Yeah. Let the women of the world base their body shapes and lifestyle on what I want. Every woman would wear red draws.  

Kids These Days 36

People need to really stop using the word prank in the wrong way! In Dublin, Ireland this 17 year old boy is in a medically induced coma after he had a heart attack because his balls were squeezed too hard. After lunch he and some friends were grab-assing (or grab-dicking) when one of them decided to be totally hetero and jerk this kids nuts. He dropped and a teacher gave him CPR before he was taken to the hospital.

Isn't this FUN?!

The family of the boy do not believe that this was done in a “malicious way” or a “savage attack.” I say it is the definition of both! You don't just go around yanking on folks balls! There has never been a time where I was playing around with someone and decided to grab their junk. I have poked a chicks boobs and made a sound effect. Usually “Boop!” The kid is now in stable condition when he should be at home and not having a story to share that begins with “We were joking around...” and ending with “...after the coma.”

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

Only In Florida 11

This teacher in Florida was suspended without pay before eventually being shitcanned for allegedly ordering some students to kick another students' ass. When I first heard about this I was kinda skeptical. “No one can be that stupid” I thought but then the voice in my head that sounds like Charlie Brown said “Florida” and I nodded to myself in understanding. Dru Dehart got into a disagreement with a student and went all Godfather on his ass.

Allow it.

Radravious Williams...goddamn it. Really with this name? Anyhoot, the kid was surrounded by a pack of older kids and they went berserk on his ass. Dehart just walked away as the kid became a new sidewalk. After half an hour of deliberating about it the jury chose to have her fired and not, like, droptoe hold onto a steel chair. A representative for the school district said the teacher “made a very poor decision that day” in using “students to carry out discipline.” You think?!

Monday, April 14, 2014

This Rolling Stone Cover Makes Me Happy

I was watching the news when the brought up this new Rolling Stone cover with Julia Louis-Dreyfus being nude on it. This magazine only gets attention for covers they have because I doubt anyone takes the magazine seriously in terms of its ranking of music. Does anyone even read or get excited about this magazine anymore? People are laughing at the fact that the signature is on the wrong document and blah blah blah this 53 year old woman looks hot! I actually forgot that I had a crush on her when I started watching Seinfeld but this magazine brought all that back. This cover made me happy. I have no intentions of buying it or even trying to figure out what the article is about. I just like looking at the picture. I wish it didn't have all them damned words on it but whatever. This magazine I never read wasn't made for a perving ass dude like me. 

What do I know about her? She made me laugh on Seinfeld. She had a show that was canceled and is now on a successful one called Veep. Her dad is worth billions of dollars. Oh, and she is hot! You know what my favorite part is? The little dips on her lower back. Come on with the come on! That chick Fergie from Black Eyed Peas has it (or had it) in a video and I was not aware that dips were something I liked. She photographs terribly though. I never think about it. It just pops up and makes me smile a little. There's no real point to this blog other than to point out that the older I get the less I like women younger than 31 but older than 40. It is a comforting thought. It would suck to be my age and jonsing for some young sweet thang. I think I need to get to sleep. This moon that is taking forever to eclipse is making me act strange. And there is no need to tell me how airbrushed the picture is. Go tell some kid there's no Santa or that wrestling is fake.

Click here for previous Makes Me Happy.

Man Raped By Fake Romanian Angelina Jolie

A terrifying monster claiming to be an Angelina Jolie look alike was arrested for the rape and stabbing of a man in Romania. Luminita Perijoc, 31, said in court that she was on medication when she committed this shit. By the way, Erf. Be careful because “I am on medication” or “I forgot to take my medication” is the new “I was drunk and can't be held responsible for my actions.” The victim, Nicolae Stan, also 31, a cab driver was delivering wine to her home when she held him at knife point. Hmm. Sounds fishy. This all occurred in 2012 but just now wrapped up because everyone in that country is a vampire and night court moves slowly. It's all “Your honor, bleh!” this and “I object, bleh!” that. Stan showed up at Luminita's place when she whipped a four inch blade on him. I whipped a four inch blade on a girl once. She laughed at me. And by blade I mean my dick. And by my dick I mean this never happened.

So she undressed him and demanded that he go down on her. And by go down on her I mean oral sex. And by oral sex I mean he was forced fed poontang pie. I don't know about you but I am cracking myself up writing this. Anyhoot, after she got her rocks off she forced him to bone her two times. He couldn't get it up for a third session so she got made and stabbed him a few times. Listen, ladies. Not to sound crude or anything but the dick don't always work that way. Just because you're hot and even when we want to have the sex, that doesn't mean its gonna always get up. I have heard so many women say “No man has ever had a problem getting it up for me!” Read about my wangs adventures here

Good for you because the day it happens (and believe me, it will) you will cry tears of confusion and rage. Its science. Maybe he needed to rest a minute. Lucretia McEvil wasn't having none of that and Stan escaped to the bathroom where he was able to call police. 

Friday, April 11, 2014

We Going To Hell 10

Sometimes justice drags its heels so hard and long it makes sparks that are miles wide. Back in 2009 I was a very different person. Well...not really. But I can at least say that I was not the kinda guy that would pee in someone's coffee! Meet now 53 year old James Carroll Butler of Culpepper County, VA who now owes $5,001 to a co-worker whose coffee he decided needed a little extra kick. And by “kick” I mean toilet water mixed with piss and doo-doo residue for color.

Butler worked in the waste water plant which makes this whole story even sillier. You'd think he would know a little bit more than us regarding how to handle liquids. His co-worker, Utz, is the victim of this nonsense. Butler grabbed some water from the toilet using a soda can and waited for Utz to take a sip. Utz saw that there was a coffee pot that was full of pee sitting in the coffee maker and got suspicious. After smelling that unmistakable smell of pee he reported it to a supervisor meaning he did the complete opposite of what Dante would've done.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Dante Learns The 9th Amendment

It has been a while since I tried to learn the Amendments and as soon as I tried learning this 9th Amendment my eyes started crossing. This doesn't make sense to me and I'm wondering if its because I am trying to make more of it than there is.

“The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.”

This is by far one of the most confusing Amendments that I have come across. It reads like psychobabble. Even explanations of it confuse me. “The Ninth Amendment explicitly bars denial of unenumerated rights if the denial is based on the enumeration of certain rights in the Constitution, but this amendment does not explicitly bar denial of unenumerated rights if the denial is based on the enumeration of certain powers in the Constitution. It is to that enumeration of powers that the courts have pointed, in order to determine the extent of the unenumerated rights mentioned in the Ninth Amendment.”

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

"Man Called Frank" Part 2

Frank's lawyer Lawrence Wynn sat across from him at a large metal table tapping his fingers and starring at Frank as if he were wearing his shirt backwards but was too afraid to let him know. Frank looked down at his nails and realized that he had not been able to cut them for months. As a matter of fact he could do to have a shave and a haircut.

“They wanna hang ya” Wynn said. Franks eyes shot up. Wynn held his hand up to keep him from speaking. “This judge has a mean hard-on for murderers and ain't been able to execute someone in months. He, uh, Judge Labelle that is, even has the fucking hippies on his side. 'Hangin' will save the state thousands in funds for electricity!' He says its Green. Whatever the fuck that means.”

Frank opened his mouth to speak but only a rasp escaped his throat. He put his large hands to his neck and rubbed his Adam's apple. He imagined having a noose slipped around his neck as he starred out into a galley full of cheering onlookers.

“They don't hang people anymore, right?” Frank asked. Wynn shrugged. “Don't shrug. Fucking tell me something!” Frank screamed as tried to rise from his chair forgetting that there were shackles on his feet.

Only In Florida 10

Heidi sent me a link to this woman in Florida that ran out of shits to give and I think I'm in love. Sandra Suarez, 41, who is a Colombian woman that has lived in Florida for the past 15 years. Video from a local McDonald's popped up online showing her in the establishment wearing nothing but a thong and flashing her glorious Colombian boobs. I have a thing for that country. Never want to visit though. Just admire it from afar like I do most women in my life.

Double double cheese cheese burger burger please.

This all started when she went into a Mickie D's and offered an employee head in the parking lot. He turned her down for whatever reason and as I sit here I can't think of why. I mean, she looks “clean.” Maybe it was her delivery. Either way he said no and she decided that it was clobberin' time! In the video she is pushing registers off the counter. Smashing the fridge door. Slamming her head on the counter. Throwing condiments all over the place. Then she dunked her head under the ice cream machine and downed some of it and then chilled for a few seconds just savoring this strange new land she was currently occupying. She later walks off camera and near the fryer which is good for no one.

A cop eventually showed up and she made sexual suggestions towards him. She was sent to a hospital, charged with resisting arrest with criminal mischief and then released on $7,000 bond. She says that if this whole thing gets to be too much for her kids that she may return to Colombia.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The Trial Of Poor Little Tink Tink

The murder trial for South African Olympic runner Oscar Pistorius for the murder of his girlfriend 29 year old model Reeva Steenkamp has been going on and I have been slightly keeping up with it. When I first heard about the crime last year I was like “Why do I know that damned name?” Then I looked it up and said “Oh! Poor Little Tink Tink killed somebody?!” For anyone that doesn't know what I'm talking about, here is a part of the segment where Katt Williams made this name for Pistorius.

“These hating ass motherfuckers at the Olympic committee let this motherfucker race, and then waited till he won, and then disqualified him and said, and I quote, he had 'an unfair advantage.' “Are you talking about the motherfucker with no goddamn legs? Is that who the fuck you talking 'bout? Don't try to act like something wrong with me, some of you motherfuckers saw the story you know what the fuck I'm talking about, it look like bent back paper clips!”


Oscar is accused of murdering his girlfriend in the bathroom of his home. The way the whole situation went down is shaky as hell, and if this were a TV show it would be over and done within 42 minutes. But in the real world people who murder can get away with it if they have a good enough lawyer. I'm not quite so sure if Oscar is gonna get away with this.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Dude, What The F**k?! 9

19 year old Notre Dame student Brian McCurren seems to believe that if you're gonna go berserk, then you don't half ass it. Kinda like how I say if you're gonna do something stupid, do it fast; this guy thinks if you're gonna act a fool act a complete ass. He was arrested for breaking into a massage spot, eating a shit ton of food, and of course causing a fire. Surprisingly...not from Florida.

Pictured: foodie.

Brian used a flower pot and used it to smash his way into a massage parlor called Therapeutic Indulgence. Then not being done causing a ruckus he used a hammer to make a hole big enough to get his crazy ass through. He made his way into the kitchen where he ate half a box of Hot Pockets and passed out eating Drumsticks ice cream while heating up some mac and cheese in the microwave. Cops found his dumb ass passed out at the table. The mac and cheese set off fire alarms which is why police showed up. But Brian like any good Tasmanian Devil slept through the whole thing. Poor little thing was tuckered out.

Women Don't Fight Fair 8

I'm not sure why this story happened. There could be a hundred explanations and none of them would sit right with me because I'm a human being and as a human being I believe that other human beings should not be shitting in elevators. 49 year old Patricia Ann Jamison does not agree with me so she was arrested for being a nasty ass. I mean, seriously. In an elevator. Oh, in a courthouse. Forgot to mention that part. And it was in Florida.

Of course Florida.

Security was told that there was a pile of shit in the elevator in the courthouse. I'm sure they knew immediately that it came from a person. I call it HuDoo. Kiyoshi calls it PooMan. Either way its disgusting. Jamison was the last human to exit the elevator and they even had her on video and “appear to pull her pants down and back up toward the interior elevator buttons consistent with someone using the bathroom.” That means she dropped trough and did the damn thing.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Reading, Writing, And Arithmedick

There is another story in the news with a woman sleeping with a student at school. I had recently written about this happening between a student and teacher. This time it was a guidance counselor. Ellen Wermeling, 32, was a counselor at Aldine MacArthur High School in Houston, Texas and is being accused of boning a 12th grade student. The student told police that they messaged each other through Instagram and she was going to pick him up to “hang out” at her place.

Wermeling (which is a last name I would have changed as soon as I was legally allowed to) and this dude hooked up at her place, watched a couple of movies, he gave her a back massage, and then had sex. He said they then had sex on a few more occasions. Wermeling denied speaking to the guy on Instagram but then deleted her account the same day these allegations popped up.

In an interview the student said “In the heat of the moment, nothing really was wrong. At the end of the day, I'm 18 and I'm an adult and I make my own decisions.” Legally he is an adult but Wermeling is still a staff member and as much as you may wanna bone this cute ass lady it is against the law. She was put on paid leave then canned from her job. She was arrested and released on $10,000 bond. By the way, humanity. If you are at a woman's house and she asks for a massage chances are a penis will be touched.