When Your Kid Won't Leave

I do not have kids. But I used to be one. And one thing that I know was that I wanted to move away from my parents as soon as I could. Did I try hard? No. I should have gotten a job in junior high and/or high school. I should have made a plan. But I didn't. I planned on vanishing after school and just wandering the planet until I landed in Japan. Thankfully when I was 18 I got a job and was able to move into my ex's home with her family and after being booted with no backup place to live I got the place I've been living in for 19 years now. But while living with my ex and her family I cleaned every day, took out trash, helped with laundry, cleaned litter boxes, walked the dog, and other things. I offered to pay rent but that was turned down. I have been super unemployed with only thirty-five cents to my name at one point in time. I'm saying all this to say that shit can get rough. I don't have a family that can throw thousands of dollars at me to dig me out of a hole and I'll be damned if I ever move back in with them.

30 year old Michael Rotondo does not feel the same way as me.

About eight years ago he lived in his own place for a year and a half and during that time he used his penis irresponsibly and helped create a human. He ended up losing his job and moved back in with his parents. Understandable. He was previously working at Best Buy but quit after refusing to work Saturdays because that is when he'd get to see his kid. He also sued for discrimination. Of course he did not win. He also went to community college to study engineering but quit when he “couldn't hack the math.” There is a term being tossed around called “failure to launch syndrome” that is running wild like Hulkamania for a number of different reasons.

Dante Vs. Nature 75

You are looking at the image of a killer named Gerald. I heard this story on a podcast and thought that they were making it up but it turns out that a damned giraffe killed a man. I have seen them fight each other but seriously thought they posed zero threat to humans. I was wrong. I even checked how many people have been killed by giraffes. Zero. I just see them chasing people or them doing that stupid fighting that they do where they throw their necks at one another. A South African director named Carlos Carvalho was killed by Gerald after being headbutted. 

His focus puller named Drikus van der Merwe said “I was standing right next to Carlos when the giraffe suddenly swung its neck and hit him on his head above his ear and sent him flying about four or five meters through the air.” That's 12 to 15 feet and a far ass distance to be launched by a headbutt. He added “It came out of nowhere and Carlos didn’t even see it coming. He wasn't aware of the danger.” Yeah. That's nature for you. 

Its strange how people and nature work. If this was a dog it would be shot and killed. If it were a whale people would find reasons why it attacked. But a giraffe? Ain't nobody trying to take out a giraffe. A spokesperson for the location where people can come and film and photograph these animals said “He was unauthorised to film. He went off on his own. He wanted to get some shots to prove a point. He was trying to excel. Gerald was not to blame and would not be put down. We are not going to shoot Gerald. He was not in the wrong. I don't consider him to be a dangerous animal.” Apparently just this past Monday a lion attacked and killed his owner and as put down because of it. “He's just a huge wild animal and the guy disobeyed safety regulations. I'm very sad for his family. But I'm not one of those people who blames the animals.” 

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Dante's New Word Alert: Incels

I just found out something new. Incels. I had never heard this phrase or term before and decided to check it out. I thought that this was a joke or some small thing that would go away. Turns out that it has been around, like, forever, but was given the name “involuntarily celibate” by a lady from Toronto named Alana in 1993 after she came out as bisexual. She started a forum online, Alana's Involuntary Celibacy Project, but shut it down because, surprise!, a bunch of angry ass men joined to rage against women that didn't want to bone down with them. She stated in 2016 interview in Elle “Like a scientist who invented something that ended up being a weapon of war, I can't uninvent this word, nor restrict it to the nicer people who need it.”

Urban Dictionary's top rated definition states that an Incel is “involuntarily celibate, a person (usually male) who has a horrible personality and treats women like sexual objects and thinks his lack of a sex life comes from being ugly when its really just his blatant sexism and terrible attitude. Incels have little to no self awareness; even when they see other 'ugly' men with girlfriends, they consider these men to be tricksters who have somehow beat the system and can get women despite being cursed with unattractiveness.” New York Times describe it as “Incels are misogynists who are deeply suspicious and disparaging of women, whom they blame for denying them their right to sexual intercourse.”

Grown Ass Man Tips: Periods

Periods get looked at two ways by dumb asses. You either think it is this week long time where women act crazy and over emotional. Or you can't bone down with them because they are bleeding (in which case get back to me when you become an adult). Even while looking for an image for this all of them are about guys tackling their girl because she is off her period or women crying or stuffing their faces. So what the hell is a period? First off, PMS (premenstrual syndrome) is not a period. All that shit that guys complain about regarding women during their period is the PMS part. During this time their bodies decide to attack the block in a number of ways. They get stressed out, weird cravings, crippling pains, bloating, mood swings trouble sleeping, constipation, and cramps that can range from not that bad but definitely there to wanting to rip their uterus out.

I will never pretend to know what it is like to have a period or accuse a woman of having one even jokingly. I grew up around way too many women I respected and hang out with ones to even have those kinda stupid thoughts. Not a lot of guys do and they say shit like “What's wrong? You on your period?” and wonder why they are on the ground and their lips hurt. You're probably wondering why blood is even involved. It's just the lining in their uterus shedding and it has to come out. It gets shed to possibly get ready to get pregnant. Sucks that their bodies don't ask first. So once the body is like “Another month, another not getting pregnant” it comes out. A ladies body goes through this jacked up and painful phases in preparation to possibly getting pregnant and when it doesn't it does it all over again in about a month.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 5

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

You ever wake up two miles in the sky wearing a hospital gown with a catheter dangling between your legs? Okay, I guess that's just me. I'm not sure exactly what happened or how long I've been in bed getting the best sleep I've ever got in my life, but shit looks super bad in the sky. The sky has a weird hue to it and everything smells like a storm is coming. I float back down to my room. I can tell its my room because the window is shattered. I head back inside and there are a bunch of nurses and doctors. I close my gown and curtsy. I'm not sure what else I am supposed to do in this situation.

“So, what I miss?” I ask this cute nurse. She is speechless. I mean, she did just see my donger so I get it, but I have shit to do. Last thing I remember was cursing and then a flash of light followed by the worse pain I've ever felt. “I see a bunch of ships in the sky so I am assuming the president did not handle this situation.”

“Uh...no” a doctor says. He looks like Vince McMahon from the 80's. “You have been here for six days.”

Kids These Days 76

There are certain news stories I see pop up and it makes me think “What, that's illegal?” or “You weren't supposed to do that with your kids?” I'm not saying that the way I was raised was properly handled. For sure I'm not saying that. I'm not even saying it was terrible. It was just different. In this Kids These Days post I am gonna talk about some concerns parents have today and how I handled them growing up. Meaning how I ended up all fucked up and weird.

Left in hot cars. When I was little I got left in hot cars all the time while my parents went shopping. It wasn't seen as a bad thing for me such as a boring thing. There ain't shit to do in a locked car but sweat and attempt to talk to a sibling. After twenty seconds of no success I'd start looking around for shit inside. But under no circumstances were we allowed to get out of the car. “Why didn't they roll the windows down?” you ask. Probably fear of someone stealing the car. I guess. Or I was being slow roasted in the worst way.

I remember vividly the smell of hot interior and sweating my ass off in the car until my parents got back. Ah, the feeling of a car door opening and fresh air coming in and the wind on my face as the car began to move...followed by the terrible car sickness I used to get when I was young. Reports say that on average 37 kids die in hot cars a year. That is a lot of hot kids in cars. When I see stories about it nowadays the cops are called and windows are bust the windows open, pulling a sweaty child out while the parent is like “Uh...I was only gone for a few minutes!” No, you wasn't! You got receipts from four places and a smoothie!

Dante Explains Shit: Stem Cells

Just what the fuck is a stem cell? Ain't it that stuff they yank out of aborted babies and men use to get their dicks working again or something? No. I used to think it was all about that first part but I was wrong. These nasty things we call bodies are made up of cells. They do different things and that is where stem cells come into play. These weird sons of bitches can become pretty much anything when introduced into the body. Decades ago they were isolated and used to help with transplants. Using cells for transplants that are from someone related is always preferable but not always available. There is a shit ton of research into stem cells and what they can do and so far they are used to treat over eighty diseases.

There are two kinds of stem cells. Embryonic ones are just blank cells. They are in the womb and don't even know what to do yet sort of like most of humanity. They are just cells and have the potential to become anything. There is controversy with this because people like babies and think all of them have the ability to possibly be a human. The other cells can be gathered from umbilical cord tissue and are known as Adult stem cells. These are more limited in what you can do with them because they are like that cousin you have that thinks he is gonna be a rapper even though his mixtape is hot garbage. They have made their decision an they're gonna stick with it. Embryonic cells on the other hand are like Multiple Man. They will break off and do whatever the fuck they want.