Just Talking With Dante Episode 34

“How the fuck you put a domino in your dick?”

In this last episode of the year I catch you all up on my random wanderings, new pet store rules in California, stuff folks got stuck in their bodies in 2018, and play some clips from this past year featuring Jasmine. Click here for previous episodes.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 33

“How about tossing in a wet dream, life?”

In this episode I discuss my week, hanging out with friends, people carrying bad news in their pockets, a racist wrestling referee, a guy that really loves finches, two crappy mothers, and a study says Black people don't sleep enough. Click here for previous episodes.

Dante Vs. Nature 78

Bearded Vulture. Hey, look at me! I'm a living nightmare! There are enough creatures to keep me out of the water, the land is barely tolerable, and now I gotta worry about this bullshit up in the sky. This looks like something a kid with parents going through a nasty divorce would draw. Like a straight up creature from a movie. Look at that shit. I don't like it. Their wingspan can be anywhere between seven and a half to nine feet in length and fuck every foot of that. The old name for this is bone breaker which is not a name that should be used outside of porn. Their diet consists 90% of bone. Just straight up eating bones. What the fuck just sits there eating bones? This monster. They find bones, no matter how old they are, and just fly high and drop them to the ground. 

They also kill all kinds of things but tortoises seem to be their favorite to pick up off the ground and drop to their death. They also eat smaller birds by beating them to death with their wings. Wings are to get places for birds. They aren't like their arms or anything. It would be like using your bike to kill dinner. These live for about 21 years and in captivity can live to be 45 so...yeah. Thankfully these little assholes don't live here in the U.S otherwise that whole Blaxit thing would start sounding better. They have some in Africa too? Shit. Even the bible says these are not birds you should eat. I can't get down with any bird I can't eat.

Laughed To Death?

I was on Wikipedia and got stuck in what I call a “Wikihole.” I forget where I started but I ended up on a list of weird deaths throughout history. I read about a guy that died laughing. There have been a few of these but they were hundreds of years ago so there is not video of it...yet. I read about this 50 year old dude named Alex Mitchell that could not stop laughing while watching an episode of the show The Goodies. Specifically an episode known as Kung Fu Kapers and Ecky Thump. They had parts of it on Youtube but Daily Motion has the entire episode to watch. I streamed it through my Chromecast (best $30 ever spent) and prepared for my possible hilarious demise. I've never watched this show and do not plan on watching again so I don't care about these guys names.

One dude is teaching another kung fu and a third guy shows up telling them how he has a far more effective method. He refuses to teach them and they egg him on with insults until he relents the next day. They attack him with kung fu which does not work. Dressing in blackface with an afro and everything with does not work. A french getup with bread, random Asian sound effects, a Scottish dude. Nothing works. He just bonks them with black pudding and wins. They eventually put robotics into black pudding and attack the guy with remote control black pudding which pretty much looks like a bunch of dicks attacking them from the skies.

I didn't laugh once. No, I did laugh. I laughed at stuff I was saying during the show. Seriously. It looked like dude was knocking people unconscious with big, black dicks. I wasn't mad about the blackface stuff because this shit came out years before I was born. Its always silly to me when people get offended by old shit. They bring their present day anger to the past which is a great way to live a miserable life. I like stuff like Monty Python and other random thing B&H have shown me. But this show is not for me. And as you can tell by the fact that I am posting this, I did not die laughing.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 32

“If you lean on your horn for more than three seconds your car should burst into flames.”

In this sadly Jasmine free episode I talk about gatherings, random things I have been up to, read tales of dirty talk from Cosmo, and read an article about how to discipline your child. Click here for previous episodes. Songs: Pet Shop Boys What Have I Done To Deserve This/Childish Gambino This Is America Remix

Dantania Holiday Tips

It seems like lately I've been hearing a lot more about mental health and self care. Yeah. Been hearing a lot about it but not seeing it in action. That's a thing that is more prevalent today more than it used to be because with things like the internet we have the ability to appear smarter, better, and more relaxed than we actually are. I have been described by people as relaxed but I would never use that word to describe myself. I tend to expect stupid things to happen at any moment so when something does occur it is not so much as “Holy shit what happened?!” as it is “Yeah, that was about due.” Plus I have a tendency to not care far more than I should about most things.

During the holidays people get stressed out for a lot of reasons. They spend a lot of money on gifts. They have to spend time with their family. They have to travel. They are lonely because they have no one to spend the holiday with. Whatever your reason, I am gonna give you some tips on how to get through not just this time of year but regular ass stress that you can avoid by being like me. And by being like me I mean being less social. Kidding. But not at all. I'm also gonna talk about ways to avoid conflicts if you do choose to spend time with folks or have no choice.

Hair Dye Turns Girl Into Garbage Pail Kid

Doing your hair at home. It always sounds like a good idea. Do some highlights. Maybe a little trim. Next thing you know you're leaving the house wearing a hat because you fucked yourself up. This 19 year old from Paris named Estelle decided to dye her hair at home and ended up looking like what she describes as a “light bulb head.” I prefer Garbage Pail Kid. You'll see. By the way, these are those kinda things that do not happen often or have these extreme results but folks like to panic so everyone is gonna be racing to their hair dyes to see if they contain anything that can turn you into the Toxic Avenger. She started with a patch test and left it on for half an hour. All seemed well so she put it all over her head even though the box says to wait 48 hours. That seems weird. Do you just walk around with this one colored spot or something? Either way, she could feel that something just ain't right like a Keith Sweat lyric (if you got that joke marry me) and took some pills and anti-itch shit and immediately rushed to the hospital.

Kidding. She went to bed. 

When she woke up her whole head was fucked. The chemical that got her is known as PPD (paraphenylenediamine) that can cause some reactions in folks. Like her. She rolled that shit hand of the dice and turned into Large Marge. “I could not breathe. I had a lightbulb head. Before arriving at the hospital, you just don't know how long it will take for you to suffocate, if you have the time to get to the hospital or not.” Personally, I would not have even been able to go to sleep with my head feeling like shit. I have lived with Black women who had the shittiest nights' sleep because of their perm, braids, or new weave. Not from pain so much as not wanting to mess it up.

Five Things I Learned Moving Dead Bodies

Years ago I worked at a hospital as a patient escort. When people would ask me what the job was I would just say “I move people.” I also say that the job does not exist on television. When someone is brought to a hospital on TV and movies you see every doctor that will be doing the operation or whatnot grab a side of the gurney, shout things, rush into a room, and get to work. That is not what happens. The job was way more than that though. I would get a call when someone arrived, told where to take them, do that, and then the slow process of getting someone into a room or whatever would begin.

Besides moving people around I would pick up equipment and take people to places using a wheelchair, their bed, or gurneys. And sometimes I'd have to take dead people to the morgue. There were rarely good days at the hospital but good days included not having to move a dead body. Those days sucked. In this post I am gonna talk about the Five Things I Learned Moving Dead Bodies. If you are a sensitive mortal you probably should not read this because I'll be talking about moving dead folks. Everyone else continue reading this and never ask me why I won't work at a hospital again.