Friday, February 28, 2014

Only In Florida 8

A Florida grandmother was arrested for just being a drunk, nasty ass. 53 year old Christine O'Keefe was watching her granddaughter who is 2 years old. Such a sweet age. Except when your granny is a drunkard and you're left in her care! When Christine's daughter Jessica Caldwell who is the mother of the child came home and saw that her mama had been boozing it up when she is supposed to be watching her kid because Florida.

Pictured: party animal.

The two of them started yelling at each other and since that's not enough Christine decided to hit her daughter in the face with a used diaper. Was it full of poop or pee? Who cares?! Who in the hell throws a diaper at someone?! A savage, that's who. Monkey do that. After taking a diaper to the face Jessica hit her mother in the brow. Hopefully with he fists because one diaper being thrown is more than enough.

"Man Called Frank" Part 1

Based on a true story.

The sun broke through the clouds as rain pelted Frank's cell window. The Devil must be fighting with his wife he thought to himself while silently praying that the Devil would be so preoccupied that he would manage to not notice Frank's arrival. Frank was not a religious man until a month before his last appeal to his execution fell through for the fourth time.

Frank had spent the last six years on death row for murder. He was guilty and knew he was guilty. His lawyer had convinced him to plead insanity and Frank agreed until the psychologists tests made him begin to believe that he was actually crazy. But Frank knew he wasn't crazy. He remembered most of what happened the night he killed his wife.

“Where's the remote?” his wife Stacy asked. She grabbed the edge of the coffee table to hoist herself up, moving it and causing her glass of whiskey to fall to the floor. “Goddamn it!” she shouted. Frank ran into the living room and saw her on her hands and knees using her shirt to dry the floor. “You gonna just stand there like some sorta idiot or fucking help me?” Frank took a white towel from the closet and got down on his knees to help. “Not that towel, you fucking moron! Get one of the dark ones!” Frank sighed and propped himself up using the couch. It slid under his considerable weight and smashed against the wall. “Easy there, fatty” Stacy said and laughed to herself.

We Going To Hell 6

Some 36 year old dude from Independence Township, Michigan was showing his woman how safe his three handguns were safe when loaded by putting them to his head and pulling the triggers. He didn't do this once. He did it three times. First gun fine. Second gun fine. Third gun and his dumb ass struck out. I mean, come on. Doing it once was stupid enough but when you literally dodge a bullet twice you are pushing luck that you just don't have.

He was hit in the head, naturally, when the gun went off. His girlfriend told the police tat he had been drinking for most of the damned day when he decided to show off gun safety. Three kids that did not belong to Shooty McGunshot ages 7, 10, and 12 were home at the time but did not witness this. Yay. Not to sound too mean but this guy cashed out early and society did not lose a champion. Its not like this woman or those three kids are gonna be worse off because a guy dating their mom got drunk and decided to play with guns. Plural. They say an autopsy is going to be done to see how this guy died.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Dude, What The F**k?! 5

People are nasty. This couple in Illinois decided that they couldn't wait to get home and started having sex in a cab. Andrew Vukovich and Stefanie Herringer were banging in the cab and the driver, Hack Faisal Kokazeh, said that he saw them doing...stuff and “simply wanted both of them out of the taxi, and the fare paid.” Besides the cab sex this is when things got bad, or worse, because they didn't have the $83 to pay.


When he was dropping them off they were both drunk as all hell, could barely talk, and neither of them had a wallet or purse on them. In a police report it was stated that the couple “were producing incoherent sentences, attempting to gather clothing that was strewn throughout the taxi.” I guess the police got involved because of the public sex because Andrew was eventually able to pay the cabbie...using his mother's credit card and they avoided jail. Yay?

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Be A Woman!

I'm gonna teach women how to be women. If you kept reading past that sentence I love your face. In recent weeks I've noticed an increase in articles with women teaching men how to be men and being upset that they couldn't get the right man. I have never told a woman “Be a woman!” because I'm not quite sure what that phrase means. I know when I hear “Be a man!” its said by a woman that I'd likely never talk to. I talk to very smart and strong women. It tends to be in the context of a man taking care of their kid, paying money for something, or hitting someone in defense of a woman. I would never think to tell someone to be their gender, particularly since women do so much that men do nowadays.


I do have some suggestions, particularly for young women walking around today. Girls walk around proud of the fact that they can and choose to do far less than women before them. Women who did a great job of raising families. I'm not saying you all need to stay at home, quit working, and just pump out kids. I would not suggest that even though stay at home moms kick ass. But some things that worked in the past still work. Except slavery. Don't bring that back. I have soft hands and sweat easily.

What L.A Is ACTUALLY Like For Visitors

I saw a post from a site I don't care to mention where they listed 21 Things You Have To Explain To Out Of Towners Visiting Los Angeles. That is a ridiculously long title for anything. Hell, even the bible is just two words. I'm not gonna sit here and cover all twenty one things he wrote about because he's not worth it. So I will show what they wrote, their explanation, and my comments.

To whoever wrote this article, please stop saying “us.” You don't represent L.A. You come across as those people that move here from another state and become a cartoon version of L.A. I read some of the comments people have been making on your post and laughed because you're a senior editor.

“We've all had visitors who show up here to couch-crash, carless, and -- while you may be laughing at their face while they talk about 'just taking public transportation' while they're in town -- it's not really their fault that they have NO IDEA WHAT LA IS REALLY LIKE. Here are some things you should give them a heads-up on.”

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Shit Just Got Real 18

Fuck. That was the first thing I said when I saw this story. An old man, Joseph Vallenti, celebrated his 96th birthday and his family got him a cake. That's nice. My birthday is next week and no one is getting me a cake. So his family got him his favorite cake, German apple, and he cut into it and got the worst surprise anyone could ever get. Rat.

He got it from King Kullen which is a grocery store in Commack, New York. After he ate it he got stomach pains and diarrhea which at the age of 96 you can only hope that isn't the beginning of your death. Seriously, he's 96 fucking years old. He has survived so much crazy shit in the world and a rat infested cake could've taken him out. A guy that is dating his niece said that he saw what appeared to be a tail sticking out the cake.

Cue Sad Hulk music...

This is when shit gets real.

Women Don't Fight Fair 4

This 58 year old lady named Maria Montenez-Colon in Punta Gorda, Florida (my spell check hates so much of that first sentence) asked a cop to give her some ass. Yeah. That happened. If I was a cop I'm sure that most of my time would be split between beating the shit out of bad guys and hiding the bodies or having sex. But not with this woman. I'm never that horny. Ever.

She called the police because she wanted her Corvette that she had signed over to her stepson back. No take-backsies! The cop that showed up said that she was all kinds of drunk and asked him if he were married. He warned her that she was using 911 wrong and handed her his card. Foul. He knows he was wrong or doing that.

Five Things I Learned Working In Reality Television

From February of 2010 until December of 2013 I worked in reality television. I started off as a transcriber which is a job that I had no idea even existed until I got it. The job consisted of watching interviews that ranged from minutes to hours and writing down every single um, err..., and stammer that is used in shows. I eventually went on to logging, assistant editing, and even some story producing that I'll never be credited with. Hell, on one show I did something that I'm not even sure what the title could be called!

Reality television employs thousands of people yet you will always hear people talk about how it ruined television and is bad for the world. Oh, shut up. Its not all that bad. I've worked on six seasons of Hell's Kitchen, Marcel's Quantum Kitchen, Face Off, The Ultimate Gamer, Little People Big World, a show that never got picked up starring Jenny McCarthy, and The Glass House. Don't bother checking for me on IMDB because I filled out one part and said “Fuck it” because it takes too long. Between all of these shows I learned a shit ton of things but I'll only talk about a few in the Five Things I Learned Working In Reality Television.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Kids These Days 33

I have a feeling that in a few years kids are gonna be getting high off of microchips. No matter what you do as a parent or government kids are gonna find a way to get high. If the world came close to ending and society tried to rebuild itself, in the first week people will invent a new way to get drunk and/or high. The new thing down in Memphis is being called “glass cleaner.”

They have names like bullet premium glass cleaner and eight ballz glass cleaner. They say it is like the bath salt craze and has the effects of using meth and cocaine. Great.

The thing about this drug is that it isn't smoked. You'd probably blow your damned face off if you tried. Please try. The Erf doesn't need you. Anyhoot, it can be snorted or injected because fuck a future, right? An emergency director Stanley Thompson says “They can be highly psychotic, agitated, and combative. It can make you feel invincible. You think you can fly and the next thing you know you're jumping off on top of a building.” Damn. I think I may have used this stuff as a teen.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Inside The Actor's Studio Questions

There is that show Inside The Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton and I love it. My favorite part is near the end when he asks famous folks these ten questions. Since I'll never be on that show or meet Lipton I have decided to answer the questions myself because I am being really lazy about editing my latest Ross Radio Show.

What is your favorite word?


What is your least favorite word?


Only In Florida 7

“Because Florida...” needs to become an acceptable way of responding to something honked up happening. A teacher named Jennifer King Forshey who is 58 made a 10 year old boy use his bare hands to unclog a urinal at school. She had said that the boy had clogged the toilet before and told him to go unclog it. I would've been like “Hell. No” and just took my punishment which in Florida could've been anything from the One Inch Punch to alligator wrangling. So he chose to unclog the toilet.


He tried to use a dry towel to remove the wet ones when...wait. Why was there even toilet paper in the urinal? I have seen this phenomena before and it always grosses me out. I just don't get why guys have to be so damned nasty with stuff. Anyhoot, the kid did it and went to the principal's office not to report what this punk ass teacher did, but to ask for soap because there wasn't any in the bathroom. Another teacher says that they heard Forshey tell the kid to do this nastiness. She was arrested, charged with felony battery of a child, and got out on $1000 bond.

We Going To Hell 5

Dudes are weird. We just are. There are times when guys either hate someone so much or love someone so much that they whip their junk out and do strange shit with it. Like beating off in someone's shoes. Hello, Timothy Margis. This 39 year old freak was arrested after leaving his love potion in a female coworker's shoes. This happened in Illinois at Concordia University whose motto is “At your service” which he took too seriously.

Margis was seen coming out of the office of this lady when she saw him leaving while buttoning his pants and fastening his belt. Ladies, if you ever enter a room that doesn't begin with “bath” and a guy is leaving while his pants are unhitched, just call the police. Its safe to assume that a crime has been committed. Which there was. Because he jerked off in her shoes. She found a “clear liquid” in them and probably gagged and screamed. I know I would. When she asked him why he was in there he said he was checking it because it was unlocked. Guess that turned him on. Nothing like an unlocked door to get my motor revved up because opened doors are like metaphors for vajayjays. Right?

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Cool Shit Black People Invented: Phil Brooks

Who wants needles?! Well, thanks to Phil Brooks we no longer have to all share syringes. There is no picture that I could find of him because racism. In 1974 he got the patent for disposable syringes because I am assuming that before then people just used a needle, ran it under water, and just jabbed it into someone else which is just gross. Can you imagine how before Brooks made this people were just using the same damned needles? No wonder we got all these crazy ass diseases. Its our parents faults!

I really wish I could find more information about this guy but there's nothing. How can someone invent something just a few years before I was born but not have any photos available? I don't get shots done but I know a few people that work with needles and they should thank this man. Otherwise you would be giving shots to people or injecting folks and just rinsing it off in the sink and using them all over again. I'm sorry, I can't get over how nasty that is. Thanks, Mr. Brooks!

Click here for previous Cool Shit Black People Invented.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Dude, What The F**k?! 4

You lay with dogs you get fleas. You sleep with whores you get the herpa-derp. You play with snakes because somehow Jesus told you to you get bitten and die. Pastor Jamie Coots who was (past tense) on a show called Snake Salvation got his hand bitten by a viper. He believed that handling snakes was part of god's commandments and god's will. How can he get folks to believe that crazy shit but I can't get chicks to believe that red draws help keep the devil away?! Anyhoot, he got his ass bit and died.

“When I first started church I said if I ever went to a hospital or a doctor over a snake bite I would quit church” he once said because he's not a quitter. He got bit once before and instead of going to the doctor he let the shit rot and fall off like some kinda church lovin' zombie. Then because he's a sucker for romance he kept it in a jar for his wife. Police came to help his dumb ass but he was already gone by the time they arrived because he is serious when it comes to getting bit.

Shit Just Got Real 17

When I first heard this story I thought it was made up. Not sure why I did because it it had happened in Florida I would've have just nodded and wrote a post about it. The story coming out of Essex which is somewhere across the sea about a chick, Torz Reynolds who is 26, getting upset at her boyfriend and slicing off her tattoo. I know that people get mad after being cheated on or broken up with, but come the fuck on!

She dated a 26 year old guy named Stuart “Chopper” May who told her that he had to move to Alaska because he was starting a new job. If anything if I were here I would have felt like an idiot for getting some guys name tattooed on me. Do that if someone is dead because they can't leave you and get any deader. But if you are dating someone and do this you're just asking for trouble. And by trouble I mean that he just moved back home and got a new woman. Damn. How bad do you have to want to get away from someone to make up that strange ass lie?

Don't...don't you want me?

You should stop reading right about here unless being grossed right the fuck out is fine with you because shit gets real.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Five Things I Learned Being Recruited

For anyone that doesn't know, at one point in time I was in the military. Even writing that feels like a lie for many reasons one being that I never even went to basic training. More on that later. People who know me but don't know that I enlisted in the National Guard and then Army Reserve will laugh because they know who I am and how I behave and the idea of seeing me saluting or doing anything remotely related to following orders funny. This is Five Things I Learned Being Recruited.

This all started because me, an ex girlfriend, and a dead guy (not a military related death) decided that if we took these equivalency tests that we could get out of our first three periods of class. That sounded like a great idea! We get to the room they're doing this and its full of fuck ups. Just terrible ass students. Not just in a school sense, but just life. Just kids you knew would grow up to commit crime. So we finish the tests and forget about it until months later when during an assembly they tracked us down. The dead kid didn't do too well so they got at me and my ex. They told us what we did well on (I mastered nerdy shit like communications) and I was tricked into joining the National Guard. Then levels of nonsense I was unaware of began.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

The Coldest I've Ever Been

I am lucky enough to have been born in Los Angeles. I say lucky because the weather here is pretty damned consistent. We tend to stay in the 70's and 80's for weather even during the winter. It doesn't rain often which at the moment is biting us in the ass. My state is thirsty! There has been crazy ass weather all over the country and world. I have read on the east coast how it just keeps on snowing or from friends in Canada how crazy its been. Here is a view from my window at this moment.


Its 71 degrees (22 Celsius to everyone else) and very nice. This is what its like in the dead of winter. Back when I was little it used to rain. It would rain for a few weeks straight and the streets would flood and everyone would complain. I didn't because I would always play in the rain. But there was an instance where it rained and I was so cold that I thought I was going to actually die. No joke. I thought that I'd never know what it was like to be warm again.

Five Things I Learned Living In West Hollywood

I have now lived in the city of West Hollywood for almost as long as I lived in Los Angeles and honestly that thought is kinda depressing. I first moved her and lived with my ex girlfriend and her family when I was 18 and a few months out of high school. The plan was to stay maybe a year or so while working and then in a year or so get my own place back in Los Angeles. Obviously that didn't happen.

Over all these years here I've learned quite a few things about this city, the people, and its culture. I'm gonna talk about a few of them in this Five Things I Learned Living In West Hollywood. Some of these may seem obvious to some of you reading this but growing up where I did and how I did this stuff caught my ass by surprise.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Only In Florida 6

Have you ever wanted to go to a high school reunion and beat up someone that upset you when you were younger? Some people don't have that level of patience and decide to fight people just a year after they've gotten out of school. Allow me to introduce you to Sarasota, Florida teen Asia Odom who was just hankerin' to do some spankerin'!

Asia showed up at Booker High to confront a 15 year old girl after getting into a fight on Facebook. Police say that Asia lied about being invited to the school by the girl but its the future and there were cameras around to show that she was lying. She saw the girl sitting in the cafeteria and knocked her down and started fighting her. Two school officials broke them up and Asia was charged with trespassing and misdemeanor battery. She was released on $620 bail.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Dante Vs. Nature 36

Why do people always want to fuck with dangerous animals? Particularly snakes. Every year someone does something stupid like own a giant sake and act all surprised when its eats their kid or pet or this case when a security guard was killed when he wrapped a 15 foot python around his shoulders. You can attempt this if the snake is your pet and even then the shit is dangerous to do.

In Bali a security guard volunteered to help catch a snake that had been seen in the area. He didn't even work at the hotel this monster was spotted in but decided that at the age of 59 that he had the power to take this thing down. He didn't. At 3 in the morning he was alerted that the snake was around and he...caught it? I guess?

Johnny Panic: Mile High Club Part 3

As I headed towards the chase I knew that Ronica would be able to handle herself on Juliana's show. I'd catch it later since I made sure to record it when we left. I had no idea how much handling she would do until we watched it later when we got home. I'm zipping over the city and my phone goes off. It's Zazz.

“What's going on, lunch break?”

“I hate you” he replies. “You need to hurry up and finish what you're doing and get back to the studio!”

“How come why?”

“'How come why'?” he asks. “Who talks like that? Anyway, Ronnie and Juliana are getting into it!”

“Sexy getting into it or violent getting into it? Or both? Is it both? Are you still recording it? I swear if you aren't I'm gonna drop you off in Africa!”

“Good” he says. “Then maybe I'll finally be able to make a friend that speaks English.”

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Shit Just Got Real 16

Guys are seen as these beasts that think about sex all the time and will never turn it down. Let me break this to you ladies: this is only 97% true. If you are trying to fuck a guy and he doesn't want to there's a very good reason why and you should step back a moment and say to yourself “Perhaps now is not the right time for the sexy time...” Or lose your shit and trash the place and get arrested naked like Arizona chick Ashley Marie Prenovost.

Ashley who lives with the father of her four month old daughter because it wouldn't be a ridiculous ass situation unless a child was involved was already hammered when she came home and tried making the moves on her man. He declined and she wasn't having that shit. She punched two holes in the wall before punching a framed picture getting blood all over the house.

Then shit got

Kids These Days 32

This is gonna be one of those posts where you either shake your head in shame at me or just laugh and go “Oh, that Dante!” This 34 year old chick in Arizona named Keri Gonzalez was busted for boning this 15 year old kid whose name has not been released but who I shall refer to as “Champ” for the rest of this post because jealousy. Full disclosure, I know how bad this whole story sounds. Adults having sex with teenagers is a terrible thing. Of course. But...I used to be a 15 year old boy at some point and if a 34 year old woman made a move on me chances are I would've jumped her. Hell, if a 34 year old tried it now I would...


So Champ and Keri were bumping uglies when the boy's mother heard “knocking sounds by the stairs on the wall” and went to check on her kid around 2 in the morning. If you are having sex at that time of the morning its either an awesome surprise, sloppy and drunk, or a police report waiting to happen. The mother tried to open the door and it was locked. When Champ finally opened the door, lord knows why he did that!, mom saw Keri crouched in the corner butt booty ass naked. Keri decided to bail when mom started shouting and ended up breaking her ankle jumping from the window.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

We Going To Hell 4

Every year or so someone pops up in the news looking like a damned lunatic because they have something that has the image of Jesus on it. I think it was a coupe of years ago someone had bird shit on their window and said that it looked like Jesus. This time its Paula Osuna from Silver City, New Mexico and she didn't see Jesus in her cheese toast or on a window like some of you blasphemers. Oh, no. Jesus made a guest appearance on her toe!

You'd think she'd paint her nails and pluck them hairs.

Paula hurt her foot when she fell down some stairs because gravity. She jacked up her foot and asked her fiance to rub some holy dirt she had saved from a trip to a Catholic shrine in Chimayo on her foot. Dude, you aren't married to this woman yet. Like the great poet Al Bundy once said “Run. Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep, run like Mexican water through a first time tourist.” You still have a chance to escape this level of crazy! That is unless he is cool with this.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Dante's Globophobia (Fear Of Ballons)

I was talking to a friend a few months back and we got on the topic of balloons and OCD's (obsessive compulsive disorders). I'm not sure how we got there but we did. And what was weird about this conversation is that we both realized that we hated balloons. I really hate balloons. They are unpredictable and things that are unpredictable can not be trusted. I searched and there is a name for fear of balloons. Its called Globophobia.

“Globophobia is the fear of balloons. Most people who suffer from globophobia usually have phonophobia as well, which is a fear of loud, sudden noises. Globophobics tend to avoid parties and special occasions such as funerals, birthday parties, weddings, or any other festivities that may involve balloons as decorations. Globophobia is not as common as other phobias, but is still experienced by many. Generally, globophobics will refuse to touch, feel, or go near a balloon for fear it will pop. Globophobics tend not to trust people who have a balloon in their hand or anywhere near them, especially children. Some globophobics are fearful of going out because they feel scared/anxious that there will be a balloon around the corner.”

There are a few things about this definition that is funny to me. Funeral balloons? I have been to three funerals and I can't recall any balloons. Perhaps there were some but I fail to recall them seeing as how dead family were my main focus. And the fear that a balloon is gonna just be waiting for me around the corner trying to ruin my day. And fear may be too strong of a weird.

Women Don't Fight Fair 3

Some people are passionate about their food. I love food. I write about it, I think about it a lot because there's a fat man inside just waiting to burst out. But I can't say I'm as passionate as Shaneka Monique Torres who is 29 going on 42. She got mad when a Michigan McDonald's messed up her order and decided that the logical thing to do was fire a bullet at the place because when you want bacon at 3:10am you really want your damned bacon!

When I first read this story I was kinda puzzled. I figured that there had to be more to this than meets the eye. So Detective Dante got to diggin'! So the way it is told, Torres got her order wrong, shot at the place, and left. But there's more to it because most women that have this hairstyle are making big life changes. A blond haired Black woman that is 5 foot 7 and 256lbs. trolling McDonald's at 3 in the morning can't be that hard to find. There's, like, maybe three women that come through like that around that time of night. So cops were able to find her rather quickly and locked her ass up on $50,000 bond and charged her with weapons and discharging a firearm.

The girl that was working the drive through had her family interviewed and they said that she was still scared because she didn't expect that someone would fire through a window because of an order gone wrong. I assumed that that was shown in the training videos when you were hired.

Monday, February 10, 2014

It's Was Just A Giraffe

Let me help you get mad about something other than a giraffe, internet. If you're sensitive stop reading. I'm known for getting bothered by shit that doesn't concern me. You can assume that I have no other worries in my life or that I have too much time on my hands. Honestly, all my shit is being handled by me so that leaves me with time to bitch about people bitching about a giraffe that was killed. Its a giraffe. No one would be this mad if it were a skunk, jackal, or other mammal that wasn't cute-ish. The zoo made this decision to reduce inbreeding as well as teach what the insides of a giraffe looks like, I guess.

At Copenhagen Zoo (do you even know where that is?) a young giraffe was shot with a bolt pistol before having its remains autopsied for a gathered crowd. After this is was given to a group of lions at the zoo that either went “What are we supposed to do with this?” or “Finally! After all these years we can do what we were born to do!” Meanwhile the internet went crazy and 20,000 people that signed a petition went “It's 2014 and petitions mean something...right?” Not always. Sometimes its just nice to have the names of people to look out for. Or to get Justin Bieber out of America.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Cool Shit Black People Invented: Henry Blair

Henry Blair was the second Black person to ever get a patent. I could just leave it at that because that shit is nuts. Could you imagine creating something and not being able to get people to look at it or even acknowledge that you created it because of the color of your skin? Well, that was just how things were back then. Stupid country. Blair's first patent was for what he called a seed-planter which is basically a plow. I can't begin to imagine what it was like before he made this thing.

With this it let workers plant corn faster, easier, and with less labor. You may notice that most early inventions by Black people were things to make life just easier on Black labor (farming equipment and cleaning tools) or to fit in (hair straighteners). He also created the cotton planter. If you don't know what this is just picture in those old cartoons where a horse would be pulling a huge blade and it would leave a slice in the ground for seeds to be dropped in. He was already a farmer and doing well because of his inventions.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Sequel

This is gonna be long and rambling. You have been warned. I first did a blog like this and about a month and a half later I ended up in a relationship. This isn't being written in the hopes of dating again. This is more to make me remember what happens in a relationship and keep me out of them. During my last relationship that was the shortest one I've had in my adult life there were a lot of ups and downs. The downs I will blame on the fact that I refuse to change my ways in terms of communication.

My last two relationships were long distance but with this one it wasn't so far that I couldn't travel. The fact that I even left the state surprised my friends because everyone knows that I just don't travel. I like where I am. When she came we were together all the time and when I visited her we were together all the time. And it was good. But the internet? Oh, the internet. Any time there was a problem it was during instant messaging. That stuff gives people the chance to be a different person and say things that they would never say to me over the phone or to my face.

That relationship lasted (including when we “broke up”) about five months. Honestly, the fact that we lived in different states made it easier to get over. That and the fact that almost every conversation over the internet ended with anger. One of my best friends asked me often if I was okay after the split and I told her that I was. I was mostly confused. Why? Because I was just being myself. There was nothing that I lied about but she didn't believe what I was saying or doing. One of the problems was the fact that I talk to a lot of women which is discussed in the first Why Isn't Dante Dating blog.

Kids These Days 31

There was this comedian Red Grant that said something a few years back that always stuck with me. He said when fucking around with young girls to have a flag and a whistle so when they start doing that “...wild shit blow your whistle and throw that flag. Personal foul. Unnecessary roughness on the ride.” Nasty ass dudes think its fine to mess around with these young girls, but its not. They are starting off at level 9 out of 10 shit when the fact is when I was growing up seeing a girls belly button was considered an 8. Jason Ash learned this the hard way when his ass got killed having sex with 16 year old Jessica Burlew.


In Arizona which is the craziest state after Florida, Ohio, and Texas this chick was fucking her 43 year old boyfriend when shit got heavy and she ended up killing him. This all took place at the girl's mom's house by the way. Oh, don't worry. This is gonna get way more ridiculous. Before I continue let me say that I feel absolutely no sympathy for this guy. If you are in your 40's and messing with a teenager you are a big loser or a time traveler from the 1800's where this shit seemed okay to do.

Johnny Panic: Mile High Club Part 2

Since we got here late Ronica isn't gonna have a chance to meet Juliana Rockwell before we go live on the air. That's cool with me since I don't really wanna be here. Ronica is smiling and happy so that's cool. I hear some lame ass comedian getting the crowd hype which makes no sense when they know that I'm here. Johnny Panic being anywhere near where you are is a reason to celebrate.

“Are you gloating?” Ronica asks me.


“Yes, you are” she says. “You're doing that thing you do when you are very pleased with yourself.”

“What thing?” I ask her.

“Your face does this” she tells me and it looks like she's having a damned fit.

“You look like you're having a damned fit” I tell her. “I can't even begin to make my face do that.”

“Don't worry. Its cute” she assures me. I look into a mirror and try again. She laughs at me.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Dante Vs. Nature 35

Fuck raccoons. Not literally. That would be wrong for a lot of reasons. I've written before about these evil ass critters but no one likes to listen to me. Mostly because my voice is weird. The other reason is because I live alone and no one is hear to hear the wisdom that I drop, like, all the time. This lady Ginny Ballou in Hingham, Massachusetts (spelled that correctly the first time, thank you) who is 73 and too goddamned old to be having to deal with this woke up being attacked by a raccoon. That's right. Woke. Up.

She woke up with this thing on her face and biting into her lip. Fuck. That. She stuck her thumbs into its mouth in the hopes of getting it off but that just made it rip up her lip parts. “I'm not too sure to this day how I did get the thing off of me. When I threw it on the floor...that's when I realized it was a raccoon.” She grabbed her phone, a landline which makes me smile, and hit the shit out of the raccoon. She then ran into the bathroom and called 911.

Cool Shit Black People Invented: William B. Purvis

Back in the day people used to write using a feather and ink like a bunch of weirdos or sucking ink into a pen with a jar sitting there next to them which is just ridiculous when you think about it. That is until William B. Purvis decided that he was tired of watching people look like fools and created an ink pen that could hold ink itself thereby keeping you from walking around with a jar of ink looking for a table to put it on and dip your stupid pen into.

"I do believe I've soiled my dickie!"

In 1890 Purvis got the patent for this and pretty much made the bottle of ink carrying stuff silly to continue doing. Old fashioned nerds all over the world were probably super happy about this. See, kids. Years ago people use to use their hands, those things you use to text with, to put an ink pen to paper and send letters to each other. This was made easier when you could carry a pen with you by itself.

Johnny Panic: Mile High Club Part 1

One time me and my lady Ronica went on a talk show. I didn't want to do it because the host, Juliana Rockwell, always had stories about how many people I slept around with and said a few times that one day I was gonna turn on humanity and destroy the world. I got mad and dropped off three mountain lions in her backyard. No one ever proved that I did it but they knew. Ronica is a huge fan of hers and has been since she was little. She likes to remind me that the first time she ever saw me was on Juliana's show so I should be grateful.

I don't see it that way.

“Should I wear red or black?” Ronica asks me holding up two dresses that would look way hot on her.

“ one” I tell her.


“Its slimming” I say. She makes a face at me. “What?”

“'Its slimming'?” she asks me. I nod. “Are you saying I'm fat?”