Clarence W. Hairston, 58, of Upper Darby, Pennsylvania just might be one of the shittiest uncles alive. He was pulled over by police when they noticed his car driving kinda bad and got quite a surprise when the car finally stopped. In his hand Clarence was holding a 25oz can of beer and in his lap was his 9 year old nephew. Oh, and in the backseat was an 8 year old. “The vehicle had stopped in the middle of the road and then was accelerating and braking. When it turned the corner onto Littlecroft, it struck a parked car. There was an 8-year-old boy on his lap steering the vehicle and another boy, a 9-year-old, in the back seat jumping around. When the car finally stopped, the little boys got out and the driver gets out with the can of beer in his hand” said Delaware County Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood. Clarence had all the signs of someone being drunk as shit and told the cop that he himself was a cop. “It's not right to jam up another cop” he said while he reeked of booze. He refused to take a Breathalyzer test and got slapped with reckless endangerment, endangering the welfare of a child, DUI, and permitting an unauthorized person to drive a car. He's being held on $15,000 bail. “The guy is a total moron, it's the best way to describe him” Chitwood said. I agree so hard I think I pulled a muscle.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Thursday, August 28, 2014
It's one thing to try to burn your ex boyfriends house down. It's another to waste a pound of perfectly good bacon to do it! 32 year old Cameo Adawn Crispi of Utah that likely has very hippie parents called and texted her ex to let him know that she put some bacon over his burner and left it on. The ex called cops and told them he wanted this bacon burning broad out of his house and when they showed up smoke was coming out. On the floor was hot coals around an open wood stove (whatever the hell that is) as well as the bacon. When arrested Cameo (word up!) had a blood alcohol level of 0.346. That is high as fuck! She is heading to court in October and faces burglary, arson, and whatever other charges they can throw at her. Hopefully unlawful waste of bacon based products is a thing. She is kinda cute though the same way most crazy chicks are. Its science. Her hair situation can be helped though. I hope they arrested her right out of the shower because her hair is as greasy as that delicious pound of bacon she wasted. Damn, I am so hungry for bacon right now. I can't believe she is 32 though. I see how drunk these people are in stories and wonder how much alcohol ages folks. Okay. Now she isn't as cute as she was a few sentences ago. The longer I look the angrier I get that she wasted so much bacon. Sentence: death by potato!
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is all the rage right now but I doubt many people who are now doing it know exactly what it is or even what they are even doing the challenge for. Like most things that are the rage, like that Harlem Shake stuff that happened a while back, people see it and want to tape themselves doing it for views, not the cause. I've always known ALS as Lou Gehrig's Disease. Here's a description of what ALS is and how it effects people.
“Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), often referred to as 'Lou Gehrig's Disease,' is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. Motor neurons reach from the brain to the spinal cord and from the spinal cord to the muscles throughout the body. The progressive degeneration of the motor neurons in ALS eventually leads to their death. When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. With voluntary muscle action progressively affected, patients in the later stages of the disease may become totally paralyzed.” Source ALSA.org.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Martha Dreher is not taking shit from kids anymore. This 57 year old Texan babysitter, which also happens to be the most depressing sentence I've ever written, pleaded not guilty to the house of the family she was babysitting for on fire. There are four children, two girls and twins boys who are 5, but she was just watching the boys at their mother's house while the girls were with their dad on vacation. That already sounds kinda honked up. She says went to the house around 9 at night to get some popcorn and that she never saw a fire. Perhaps she didn't know that security cameras were recording her dumb ass and she is seen leaving the house 25 minutes later. A boy noticed the fire when he got home and said that whoever set it started it in the girls rooms as if life works like a cartoon and fire stays where you started it.
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“It was definitely a vendetta against the two girls. Before I left, she had taken the girls clothes shopping, and she said that it was horrible, that my oldest had been very disrespectful to her and she didn't think it was a good match and she probably didn't want to do this anymore” the father of the girls said. Martha still says she didn't start the fire but did say to police the girls were “out of control, lacking respect for her and having disciplines issues.” You know, maybe the girls knew some shit wasn't right with the babysitter. Sometimes you can just tell that someone is off their rocker like “This woman look like she’d set us on fire if she could…” This is the tale of a woman who should be getting close to returning but instead spends time watching kids that she hates so much that she decided to clean their rooms with fire. I mean, look at that mugshot. Does that look like the face of a woman that has any more shits to give about anything?
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Teachers these days are getting it in! And by it I mean students penises. I got two stories. The first involves a 28 year old teacher named Jennifer Caswell who is being charged with a lot of things including second degree rape of a 15 year old student. Police caught the former English teacher in a hotel room with the student. She quit her job back in April when these allegations first happened. There wasn't hard evidence against Jennifer at first until her goofy ass was busted in the hotel room. This picture that I am showing is the one that has been floating around the most but I found her mugshot and she looks way different. I'll get to that in a moment. I think we are getting to a point where teachers are going to be replaced with robots shaped like squares so that they can't be sexualised in any sense.
“Things that raised kind of an eyebrow. People seeing a teacher alone with a child may or may not be anything. It could just be innocent contact. The child said nothing's going on, she's just a nice teacher” Harmon County Assistant District Attorney Eric Yarborough said. Fast forward to Jennifer and her student being caught in a Best Western. The found out that they had been having lots of sex including twice at school.
Friday, August 22, 2014
This 17 year old girl from Tennessee was suspended for saying bless you to a fellow student in class. Well, when you say it like that it sounds kinda crazy, right? As usual there's more to it than that. There's a teacher at Dyer County High School that doesn't play that shit and sent Kendra Turner to the principal's office where she sat for the rest of the day. She wasn't sent home. Her mother didn't come and get her and have a conference. She went to the fucking office and sat. “She said that we're not going to have godly speaking in her class, and that's when I said we have a constitutional right” Kendra said. Eventually Kendra's parents met with school leaders and the teacher who gave her the “suspension” who said that Kendra was being disruptive and aggressive.
The teacher had already had a posted list of words that she didn't want used in her class which I'll get into later. But it clearly shows “bless you” as being one of the things she didn't want said in her class. Kendra felt differently and said it was her constitutional right to say bless you because she is 17 and 17 year old's are dumb as shit. I've been learning the constitution (click here to check that nonsense out) and shit isn't as cut and dry as people want you to believe. Kids are wearing shirts that say bless you on them in support of a girl who didn't really get suspended!
Thursday, August 21, 2014
What? A brother can't get no trim? 53 year old William McDaniel was arrested this past weekend because he called the police to report that a stripper would not have sex with him. I wish I could see what the stripper looked like. He paid her $350 for a private dance which she stopped when McDaniel started getting all happy hands on her. He didn't realize that soliciting for sex was against the law when he should have realized that you can take a chick out on a date and pay half that and get some action. I watched Hookers At The Point and was shocked to find out how cheap it was to get laid. This guy didn't and now he is in jail for being multiple stupid. I can't wait for this 911 call to be released and hearing a 53 year old man trying to explain to police that he wanted a stripper arrested for not having sex with him. Maybe you expect sex at a place called Sagebrush Sam's Exotic Dance Club.
So this morning I got stuck in a World Star Hip Hop hole. WSHH is a site that has videos of music, random shit, and mostly fighting. Just all kinds of fighting. Men versus men, women versus women, men versus women, kids versus kids, people versus animals, whatever you're looking for. I've written before on what I learned watching Youtube fights. Now its time for Five Things I Learned Watching World Star Hip Hop (or WSHH because fuck all that writing). Now let's sit back and hope no advanced species ever discovers this website.
No One Knows How To Block
When I see a fight start and someone has their hands to their side or god forbid in the pockets I think “Why don't you just pull your pants down, bend over, and present yourself?” Who taught people how to fight? Every punch is a haymaker and yes while those are effective chances are you'll throw a wild ass swing and leave yourself wide open to ass kinda shenanigans. You're not Roy Jones Jr. so holding one hand up and swinging the other at your side just looks silly. So stop that.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
This is the image of a woman who ran out of fucks to give. 57 year old math teacher Kathleen Jardine lives in the danger zone in a world that involves drinking, driving, cabbing, drinking, teaching, and more drinking. You can just imagine her going “What're you lookin' at, ya sonuvabitch?” Class started at Poston Butte High School in Tan Valley when Jardine started cursing at the students. They called for security instead of filming her like kids these days are supposed to and she was rounded up. She admitted to them that she had been drinking the night before. And the morning before school. Oh, and during the school day because the party don't stop till the panties drop. When her blood alcohol level was checked it was .205, almost three times the legal limit for driving. I point that out because of her actions from the previous night. You know how I mentioned that she was drinking the night before school? Well...
The night before she was pulled over by cops for drunk driving and had her car impounded. She actually took a cab to work because of this, and well, the fact that she was drunk as shit. She has been charged with public consumption of alcohol and can get disorderly conduct charges as well. The school won't say what they are gonna do with her but I suggest party. It turns out that she has been canned for this before back in 2011 when she showed up drunk in a New Mexico school.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Kiyoshi and I have recently released another series of books. Actually its two stories in one. So far I have released four stories and it would be awesome if you all would share this link and/or buy and read my stuff. Let me know what you think. That would be groovy. They are available on Smashwords as well as Amazon. All links are below.
Veterans Day/Kilo Sierra Echo
Two great books in one: VETERANS DAY and KILO SIERRA ECHO Veterans Day: Kendra Hecksford was born into a family of Marines. When selected to “the program” she assumed that she would continue her family's tradition. Little did she know that she would be a part of something that would change the name of the arms race forever. Human weapons created to exhibit human potential at its finest.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
I got some more! Looking through these transcripts of therapy isn't as fun as I thought it would be. After reading this particular one I ended up flying to my brothers homes and moving them down the street. I think I'll let Ronica start proofreading these first because apparently I'm not as in control of my emotions as I thought. Remembering how my brothers treated me made me shout and wake up Milly. Now the whole house is mad. Meaning Ronica. Milly laughed her ass off.
Mr. Schroeder: You do not speak of your brothers often.
Mr. Schroeder: (silence)
Panic: Is this the part where I volunteer information?
Mr. Schroeder: Yes.
Panic: (loud sigh) I'm not a fan of them and they aren't fans of mine.
Mr. Schroeder: Any particular reason why none of you are fans of one another?
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Damn it, people. How long are we gonna let angry cats chase us around our own houses? I wrote a story before about a cat using the baby in the house as a scratching post and forcing the family to hide while calling 911 for help (click here for that). Well. its happened again. Two women in San Diego had to call police after their cat, Cuppy, chased them into their bathroom. One of the women called her daughter to tell them what was happening. I dare someone to call me with that message. After five minutes of laughter followed by ten more of light chuckling I would hang up. The police showed up and eventually the cat left on its own. A neighbor said that the cat has been in the family but is unpredictable. Know why? Its a goddamn cat! All animals are unpredictable. Most humans are. You see people who say their dog would never bite someone until they get a new face. Everyone loves their cat until it chases them into the bathroom and they become a news story. I'll be damned if a cat holds me hostage.
Friday, August 15, 2014
In Manitowoc, Wisconsin a 13 year old girl was pulled over by police for drunk driving a little bit before midnight. The car was pulled over because the lights weren't on and police discovered that there were five other kids under the age of 14 in the car. She also failed a field sobriety test. One of them was taking to a juvenile detention center, likely the one that was recently listed as a runaway. I can understand a kid stealing a car. They look cool and go fast. But getting drunk and then inviting five friends, one of whom is a runaway? Yeah but no. I don't think there has ever been a point in my life where I accepted that level of anarchy. I wish that there was more information given but since its a minor there won't be. I know it was her moms car but I want to know where she got the booze and how she gathered that many other kids dumb enough to go along with her plan. “Hey. I'm drunk, got my moms car, and a bad idea.” Sounds like fun! Jackass.
How can I sit here and talk about how dumb young folks are for taking pictures of everything and then posting it online and getting in trouble when grannies are doing the same damn thing? Jackie Sheaks of Columbus, Ohio got a little visit from the sheriff's and Child Protective Services after she posted some pictures of her granddaughter in a pan and another one with some duct tape on her pacifier. She thought she was being funny because as we all know there's nothing funnier than mild child abuse. “We're not horrible people that they are making us out to me. It started as just a joke; we put a little tape on the pacifier because we were being silly. We wanted to share it with friends because everybody that knows us, knows we play around like that.” Ha. The law found out after her Facebook friends reported her dumb ass. I love how everyone thinks that every single person on their Facebook page is their friend. Not only should you not be taking pictures of your grandchild being placed in cookware and/or with duct tape on their face, you shouldn't be taking pictures of it, you goddamned weirdo.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
I got the transcripts, son! So years ago I was ordered by a judge to go to a therapist because he said I had anger issues. This was after the getting high and punching that zebra in Africa incident but before damaging a huge portion of the South Pole for perpetuating the myth that Santa lived there. I went through three of these therapist before I finally found one that stuck it out with me. Of course I later found out that he was planted by the president at the time, George W. Bush. Either way, I went to this guy for over a year and they have just given me the transcripts of what was said during our sessions. This is the first time we met.
Mr. Schroeder: Please have a seat.
Panic: Thanks, dude.
Mr. Schroeder: Mr. Toner, could you please address me by my name. I went to school for too many years to be known as “dude.”
Panic: Well excuse me, Mr. Schroeder. You know for someone who is supposed to be helping me out with my anger issues you sure are one angry fella.
Mr. Schroeder: What makes you think that I'm angry?
Panic: Oh, no you don't. I know this trick. I say something and you guys ask me a question to get me to incriminate myself.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Shit is shady in Ferguson, Missouri. An 18 year old kid named Michael Brown that was getting set to head to college was shot and killed in the street by an unnamed police office. On one side, meaning the public, they say that Brown held his hands up when confronted by officers and shot down. On the law side they say that he attacked an officer as he attempted to leave his vehicle and was shot and killed. You can probably guess who I believe. New reports say that the cop who shot Brown has been treated for a swollen face. That's better than being shot, killed, and left in the street.
Brown's friend, 22 year old Dorian Johnson, told his account of what happened since the kid killer is still in hiding. Johnson said the police pulled up and said “Get the fuck on the sidewalk. Not but a minute away from our destination, and we would shortly be out of the street. We were so close, almost inches away, that when he tried to open his door aggressively, the door ricocheted both off me and Big Mike's body and closed back on the officer.” He says the cop grabbed Brown by his neck and Brown tried to get free which, cop or not cop, you grab me by my goddamn neck we have problems.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
I hear people say that not only is breastfeeding natural, but breasts being exposed isn't even a big deal. In New York folks are running around topless for the right to be topless. Don't know how to tell you this but breasts are looked at sexually and always will be. If not there wouldn't be clothing that accentuated cleavage and such. In some countries going topless has just always been done and to them I say “You would be arrested in America.” There are a lot of things that are natural that if done in public I'm gonna stare at or be horrified. Here's a list.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Normally when I write about teachers its because they just can't keep from banging their students. This time a teacher in Oklahoma made a preemptive strike against sex by showing up in school drunk off her ass and wearing no pants. Lorie Ann Hill showed up for class (no students at the time) wearing just her shirt and some draws. Police were called around 9am to find her now wearing shorts. After searching her car they found a cup that smelled like vodka. They say there wasn't enough evidence to prove that she drove drunk to the school because apparently overnight we shifted to cartoon world where when a teacher shows up for school drunk, pantless, and has a cup that smells of booze that means that there is not enough evidence. “She was found in a room kind of disoriented” said Police Chief Bob Haley. “By the time we got there she was in a room and wearing shorts.” Thank god for small favors. She was arrested on suspicion of public intoxication. When did totally fucking obvious become suspicion? I swear it seems like every time I go to sleep and wake up the world gets a little bit more stutarded. Not enough for me to cash out but enough to make me stop and cock my head to the side and squint.
I recently wrote about a guy that went to an Alabama hospital for a circumcision and ended up having his dick chopped off or amputated as they say in the medical community called Bye Bye Penis. When I read that story I was all kinds of upset for the guy. But now more details are coming out and I was wrong in my defense of the guy. I wish they had chopped his brain out while they were at it. Johnny Lee Banks Jr. you stand accused of being a buffoon. I call shenanigans on both you and your lying ass wife! A judge ruled that Banks and his wife did not have sufficient details regarding their case but could file again in a month or so. The hospital is like “Yeah, good luck with that.”
One of the problems is that Banks and his wife did not provide specific times and dates for when this alleged penis detachment occurred. Me, I'm not all that great with recalling dates but guess which date I would be able to easily tell you. The day my dick got lobbed off!
Thursday, August 7, 2014
A 40 year old mother, Chavonda Gallman, called police because her 15 year old son was watching porn. She came home with her other child, a 2 year old, and a client, she does real estate, and when her daughter turned the TV on there was porn. The son was busy in his room not getting to enjoy porn when this all happened. She says that she called 911 because her son has been having behavior problems and because her daughter, the not even a toddler, was exposed to porn. You can throw flaming chairs at a 2 year old. They won’t remember that shit. She just sounds like an asshole mother that doesn't know how to handle a kid. Was he watching 1 Priest 1 Nun or something? Why do you have a channel that has porn? Why can't you talk to your kid without the law man getting involved? I feel for this kid. It is hard to get time alone to jerk it when you're that age. I lived in a house full of people and it just wasn't happening. Sure, I could watch porn but I couldn't paint the walls while doing it. Fuck that. My mother wouldn't have called the cops. I would have to stop from getting my ass kicked though.
Why do people like creeping me out? I've already written about that scary Barbie chick and that guy that got surgery to appear Korean. Now this 20 year old guy in Brazil has gotten surgery to look like a real life Ken Doll. Celso Santebanes has spent more than $50,000 for this nonsense fest. “The human Ken bachelor is looking for his Barbie. Who wants to be my girlfriend? After all no one is happy alone.” I don't know a woman alive that would look at this guy and think that it was a good idea to date him. This all started when he was 16 and his friends told him that he looked like a Ken doll after a modeling competition. Those friends ought to be ashamed of themselves. This guy may not realize it, but he has signed on for a lifetime of getting more and more surgery to keep this scary theme going. You don't just get surgery like this, clap your hands, and go about your life. I like Batman but you know what I'm not gonna go and do? Get Batman surgery because I'm kind of a rational human being. Folks need to cut this shit out. Now pardon me while I go prep for my surgery to look like Carl Weathers.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
I know I have mentioned some dumb things kids these days do. The Knife Game and the Salt and Ice one are just a couple. But I'll be damned if they haven't managed to come up with a game that is so stupid that it makes me question not only the future but the definition of the word “game.” This new shit is called the Fire Challenge and it is turning kids into S'Mores.
Now how this is played is you set yourself on fire. That's it. They stand in a shower usually, pour some alcohol or whatever else they have around that is flammable, and set themselves on fire. Look. This is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard in my life. This is a level of idiocy that my brain can't even comprehend. If I were a computer there would be a spinning pinwheel loading for hours in a sad attempt to make this something I could understand.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Girls go through a lot of stuff to make themselves feel better. More than I ever would if I were a chick which would lead to stories of me being a lesbian. Well, people think I'm gay now as a dude so I guess it all evens out. Either way, women do a lot of things and to most guys none of it matters. In this Five Things I Learned Women Do That I Don’t Care About I'm gonna list things that are me specific because there are some things that guys say they don’t care about like how many guys a chick has been banged by.
That may be immature especially since I'm on the wrong side of 30 but I don't mind. I've never in my life been accused of being mature and I sure as hell am not gonna start now. So sit back and enjoy my rambles. You may even laugh because you know you and I will never hook up and my thoughts don’t matter. Doesn't help its about 2am and I've been up since early yesterday afternoon.
Monday, August 4, 2014
I have never understood someone being guilty and when caught doing some extra guilty shit. 32 year old Terrence Lewis of Indiana doesn't think like me so he has no problem compounding wrong with wronger. Before a search in jail he had stuffed his ass full of weed and tobacco. Last Friday during the search police say they saw something sticking from his ass which has to be the worst part of this cops day, really. Lewis, when confronted, snatched the bag from his ass and shoved it into his mouth. He eventually spit it into his hand and gave it to police who then added narcotics possession and attempting to smuggle narcotics into a lockup. But since nasty ass Lewis doesn't seem all that bright he figured that he may as well go all in and got into a fight with a cellmate the next day.Lewis got into trouble for assaulting his cellmate because the guy, 60 year old James Brown, farted and Lewis didn’t like that. He punched him twice in the face making his eye swell and his nose bleed. Brown was taking to a hospital after that. Lewis then had a new charge of assault added to his list of silly shit. Now, the reason why Lewis was in jail stuffing drugs up his booty hole and mouth then beating up old, gassy men is because he turned himself in after getting a warrant for shooting two guys in the leg early last month. What a champion this guy is! He is being held on $52,100 bond. He needs to be like that one dude that got locked up and forgotten about because, come on. That is my legal take and response to this. Come on.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
In West Virginia a woman was photographed and reported by neighbors walking a man down the street on a leash. The man also had a hood over his head, his ankles bonded, and had “an unidentified object sticking out of his anus.” Sadly, I know exactly what this was due to my seven years of selling porn and sex toys. The guy who was being walked Robert Deyell by his 56 year old girlfriend isn’t reported to be in trouble. But Barbara Jean “BJ” Geardello, 53, is. She told police that is was a sex game and that she neither of them meant any harm by it. Robert let police know that he was willing and wasn’t hurt. When talking to investigators Barbara told them that she was upset that a passerby called her a “freak.” Look. Now. Look. Okay. Damn it. I know that everyone has a thing that they are into whether they realize it or not. But some folks can get a bit too carried away with it. Like these two. If I saw this that early in the damned day I would have an issue with it. That kinda shit doesn’t need to be seen until after 2pm.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Me and nature have a deal. I stay away from it and it is supposed to stay away from me. Works most of the time. But there are laces called zoos and sanctuaries where nature is locked up and for some reason we feel like things are safer. I'm sure Renae Ferguson thought she was safe when she asked one of the zookeepers at the Sunrise Side Nature Trail and Exotic Park if she could pet a lion. “I put my hand down there to pet it and it ripped my finger” she said. “I would like to see more precautions taken to protect the people as well as the animals.” More like protect the animals from goofy ass people who think that it is fine to pet an animal that kills other creatures with its face. Its face! Even in the face of logic as well as the king of the jungle she thinks that she isn't at fault. She was surprised that a lion bit her finger when she tried to pet it. Read that sentence again and let it marinate for a few seconds. She said the park told her not to tell anyone what happened.The zoo has a different story.
“The lady went into the security area and was told by the guide to get back and the lady stated she wanted to touch the lion and continued, against the guide's warning, to put her finger inside the fence and the lion nipped the end of her finger.” Just by looking at her picture I believe the parks side of the story, then I listened to her talk and not sound sound like a dick, but anyone who thinks the phrase “Oh, my gosh!” after having their fingertip bitten off probably ate paint chips and bit the family dogs tail growing up.