Thursday, October 30, 2014

Kids These Days 45

We live in a new world. Especially if you're a kid. Kids can't get away with the things I could've growing up. Why? Because they ruined it. These kids from Massachusetts named Tito Velez and Jamie Pereira, who are dating (whatever that means when you're 15), were suspended from school because of a photo that they took in which they are each holding AirSoft rifles. Some people are upset that they were suspended, one being young Tito.

“This isn't dangerous. You can't kill someone with it. We didn't shoot anyone. We were pointing them at the floor” he said. This is true. The guns are not dangerous if they don't hit you in the eye. And the picture was not taken at school which is smart. The picture was posted with a caption saying “Homecoming 2014.” Now, in the early 90's or any part of the 1980's this would have been fine. Anything after that and especially right now, you are begging to get suspended at best or arrested at worst. Or shot at. Yeah. There's always that.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Police Release Drunk Zombie Into Society

Police in New York caught a drunk zombie driving down the road and arrested her. Then they set her free! Her name is Catherine Butler and she is 26 years old and should know better. She got busted for driving drunk with a blood alcohol level of .11. The legal limit is .08 in most places. It was close to 2am so she was coming from a party where she obviously got wasted and no action. The police also slapped on operating a vehicle with no headlights. 

So this girl was dressed as a zombie, drunk, and driving in the dark. How many wrongs can you accomplish in one day? Turns out a few more.

Her friend picked her up from jail and took her drunk ass back home where normal people would just be glad that they didn't have to stay in jail overnight and sleep it off. 

But not Catherine. Catherine was like “I'm not as turnt up as much as I should be.” This is that thing where having a friend that makes sure you don't do dumb shit is a really good thing. There are some people that when they drink become just terrible assholes. Maybe that was the case here.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Teens Sexy Evening Foiled

This 18 year old girl named Karla Farmer from South Carolina was arrested after she was busted by mall security stealing a bunch of freaky shit. Its too late for Valentine's Day to be stealing this stuff and it would've been an interesting Halloween outfit if she had. She managed to pilfer some Rock Hard erection cream, handcuffs, and Deep Throat desensitizing spray. When security caught her she also had a pair of draws she stole from Victoria's Secret. She got slapped with misdemeanor shoplifting and since she stole where she stole and lives where she lives her ass could be charged thousands of dollars and do up to three years in prison. People, know the laws of the places you live. The total amount of the stuff she stole from Spencer's amounted to about $35.

Since I sold porn for so many years I actually know, but never purchased, all of the stuff she stole. Wait. I did buy handcuffs. And a whip. And a fetish mask. For video purchases. That sounds way worse than I intended. I don't trust another human being enough to allow them to cuff me. Fuck that noise. 

Friday, October 24, 2014

The Seven Men Female Nerds Will Date


Recently I wrote a post called The Seven Women Nerds Will Date. Some people were upset by it. Probably because some of the things listed hit too close to home. Some guys were able to admit that they have dated one or more of the different types of women. Then there were the “white knights” that stood up for women and thought that I was just being a bitter and angry man.

It was cute.

This time I am going to cover The Seven Men Female Nerds Will Date. Maybe you were nerdy and chubby but over time improved. Still, on bad days you feel like that child that people picked on for being different. If this post upsets you then chances are you have some deep rooted anger issues. This is just a blog written by someone you'll never meet that happens to know that you have bad taste in men. I'm kidding! But totally not. And he's some light listening music.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Give Me A B! Give Me A J!

There is a 24 year old gym teacher that was just charged with 30 counts of statutory rape for having sex with a 16 year old student. I was gonna write about that until I saw this story. There are a few things that surprised me about it, none of them being the fact that a teacher had sex with a student. That's just something that is in the news every week now. Each week there is a young teacher that is female and sleeping with a student. When I first hear these stories after getting over my initial jealousy I wonder what they looked like. It seems that teachers are way hotter than they were when I was growing up. My hottest teacher couldn't hold a candle to the ones running 'round these days.

What surprised me about this was that this substitute teacher was Black. Yes. That surprised me. Most of these stories have been about hot White chicks. What also surprised me was that she is only 22 years old. How in the fuck can you be a teacher at that age? And lastly, this teacher wasted no time getting into trouble by fucking a student. It was her first day.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The Seven Women Nerds Will Date


For all intents and purposes I am a nerd. No, not one of the cool ones that exist today by putting on a pair of fake thick framed glasses, dressing strange, and finding the most obscure things to get into. No, real nerds are like The Incredible Hulk. You try to be normal and at the most inopportune time your nerdiness rears its ugly head. You name every Robin that ever existed as the person you talk to eyes glaze over. You want to stop but you can't.

They must know there was more than one female Robin!

In this post titled The Seven Women Nerds Will Date I will discuss the different type of women that you have dated, will date, want to date, or know better than to attempt to date. Now, I'm not saying that none of these relationships work out. Some do. In dreams. You can even date a combination of these wrapped into one. Play this while reading to set the mood.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

The Enabler: "Good Cop" Part 1 Of 3


To read more of The Enabler click here to download a free book in any format as well as a few of my other books at Smashwords. Thanks to everyone that has and shared so far.

There's always one policeman that you can't buy. In every town, city, country, or even village there is the one who got the idea that truth and justice made the world go 'round and without it there would be complete anarchy. These men and women dedicate their lives to protecting the helpless and innocent from the boogieman.

Today, I'm the boogieman.

Officer Anthony “Call Me Tony” Lopez is sitting in my waiting room. I have yet to replace Ira after her...early termination, so I'm letting Tony settle for a few minutes before speaking to him. A client that works for the police has been informing me that for the last eight months Officer Lopez has had what he described as “a wild hair up his ass” for me and wanted to take me down. Not for the glory or recognition.

But because it is what's right.

I've managed to avoid Officer Lopez all this time due to the fact that I have been very busy. Over the past few months my clients have increased by 65%. It has been difficult keeping up with all the business I've been getting. Difficult. Not impossible.

Nothing is impossible.

Dante Bitches About Us Magazine (Renee Zellweger Caught In Crossfire)

Renee Zellweger has a new and different look. That is a nice way of saying that she looks like a new human being. When Miss J. posted a picture on her Facebook if she hadn't said who it was in the picture it would have taken a long time for me to guess this was actually Renee. I am using her first name because fuck typing that long ass name out.

Now, I am not against plastic surgery most times. When I hear people I know that want to get it I just nod and silently disagree. Most surgery that you choose to get like a nose job or some kind of nip and tucking you have to do it more than once. You don't have it done, look great, and spend the rest of your life happy as hell. Most things people want to change make them special. 

Your nose can be a little crooked or big and it makes you cute. Get it changed and you'll start wondering why you don't get compliments anymore. There are far too many examples of celebrities and singers changing their face and having to deal with the results. There is upkeep involved, especially if it looks bad.

Welcome to bad.

After Miss J. posted the picture I went online to read about it. US Magazine which is known for garbage and straight up lying wrote about Renee at a recent red carpet event. Now, she has stayed out of the public for a while and I think I know why.

Woman Falls In Love Then Gets Stuck In It

In the past I have said that I wish a chick was obsessed with me. Of course it would have to be like in the movies where she is cute and goes from church girl to porn star just by removing her glasses. This chick, 30 year old Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa of Thousand Oaks, took the wrong route with her obsession with a guy she met online. She tried sneaking into his house through the chimney like some sex crazed Santa Claus and got her dumb ass stuck. A neighbor heard her whimpering and crying before calling 911. They heard her at 5:45am and by 8:15am she was free...and then arrested for illegal entry and giving false information. They ended up having to lube her with wine and stories about how strong they are. Or dish washing liquid. Both seem plausible. Her bail is set at $2,500 and she is due in court today.

The guys house that she was trying to get into is someone she had met online and went on about six dates with before he broke things off. God, I wish I could interview him and hear why he decided to stop seeing her. I bet she hinted at marriage. Try that shit too soon and a guy will leave faster than a tree. He met her online, people! Chances are he wanted to get some action and just wasn't honest about it because its the internet. You only have to be sorta honest. Hell, you can lie about your sex if you want. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Five Things I Learned Going To Mental Therapy


We're all fucked up. Sorry if this is how you had to find out, but its true. The only perfect man to ever exist died years ago so that we may have a better life. And we shall never forget you, Thomas Wayne. Through your death, Batman was created. You may be surprised to know this, but I have been to therapy. Yeah, I know. I'll give you a few moments to let that sink in. Deep breaths, everybody. Deep breaths.

A lot of people tend to use their friends as therapy which is good for you but not so much for friends. I was talking earlier with a friend about how certain people in our lives will just dump all their shit on us, feel better, then go about their day causing more mistakes just to have something to talk about later. In this Five Things I Learned Going To Mental Therapy I'll talk about my experiences in getting my brain parts examined...good and bad. These are all actual pictures of me used by the way.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Camel Kills Over Coke

Miss Jackie sent me this story about a man that was murdered by a camel in Mexico. Now, the fact that a camel killed a human being is not shocking. Camels are assholes. “Ooh, look at me! I got back fat so I don't have to eat for a while!” Jerks. What I didn't know that camels were vengeful bastards. A 60 year old man from Chicago named Rick Mileski who owns an animal sanctuary of his own was kicked, bitten, and sat on by a camel. This, I believe, is the actual camel. Smug ass. It is being said that on this faithful day that Mileski did not give this camel a Coke, which he normally did, the camel wasn't having that shit and went boots to asses on him. The rescuers had to use a truck with a rope tied to it to even pull the damned thing off of Mileski. His animal park has been closed down and all the wild ass animals removed until an investigation is done. I don't know what's to investigate. Don't fuck with folks Coke.  

This Is Doom Mates

This is an image of the main cast of Doom Mates. Just click here to see some of the ones I loaded on Funny or Die a while back. I have been playing around with special effects on the computer and enjoying it.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

I Did Unmentionables To A Stuffed Animal

You think you love stuffed animals? Pffft. You don't love 'em as much as Sean Johnson of Florida. This 19 year old guy loves stuffed animals so much he can't control himself. While at a Wamart in Brooksville he grabbed small horse from a clearance rack and decided to do the damned thing with it right in the store. But first he had to set the mood. He took the stuffed horse to the bedding aisle and whipped out his junk. He pressed it against the horse and began thrusting. And this was all recorded making it the second worse sex tape after Paris Hilton's. I shit you not, if I worked at this store I would be watching this tape every damned day and dying laughing. I mean, I worked in a porn shop and saw some weirdness, but I wouldn't expect to be at Walmart and catch some dude giving the how do you do to a stuffed animal.

And before you ask the answer is yes. He finished. Because he is a champion. He as charged with criminal mischief, indecent exposure, and posted bail at $1,500. He even released a written statement that is way funnier if you imagine the sound of horses in the background.

Dante Vs. Nature 45

They recently released a list of the most rat infested cities. Of course this was done by Orkin so you shouldn't believe it completely, but still, fuck this list. Now, in the 14 years I have lived in my apartment there was one rat issue and that asshole was in the ceiling. I never saw it and had it eliminated before things escalated. When I was little my Grandmama had rat issues. See one dart out the corner of your eye and yelp...then run after it. We were animals. Here are the twelve most rat infested cities listed and when you get to number two you'll see why I'm so pissed off. When I think of places just full of rats I imagine those movies of the future where rats are like flies in Africa. You don't even swat them away. Oh, look. A rat. It's the future so we may have to eat it later. Let it fatten up on its brethren. That's how it works right? Yeah. I'm sure it is. Hey. Survival of the fittest and all that. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Five Things I Learned Creating A Resume


There comes a time in most people's lives where they will have to fill out a resume. This is never a fun process. It either points out that you have had some pretty shitty jobs, too many jobs, not enough jobs or experience, or in plain print shows you the bad career choices you've made. Here is a post I wrote previously about what I learned being unemployed. Click here to read that.

In this Five Things I Learned Creating A Resume I'm gonna talk about all the good, the bad, and the lies that comes along with creating a resume that will hopefully land you that sweet job sitting behind the desk all day writing on Facebook and complaining about how your talents are being wasted while your boss is paid three times as much as you and is so dumb they don't even know you're not working.

Dante Bitches About Esquire Sexiest Woman Alive 2014

Most times when I bitched about magazines ranking one particular woman over another it is with outrage. I get mad whenever Rihanna is number one on any list. This time Esquire came out where their Sexiest Woman Alive 2014 and my reaction what more of “...what?” rather than “What?!” The winner, if you want to call her that, is Penelope Cruz.

And I don't get it.

Of course everyone has their own definition of what is sexy and what makes someone sexy. Cruz isn't sexy to me at all. She never has been. I've seen quite a few of her movies and not once did I ever think “Wow, this is a sexy woman.” I never even thought that she was all that talented. Apparently there are a shit ton of people that disagree with me.

I read the interview with her and it is all about bullfighting. Not her watching it. Not her doing it. Not her taking about it. But the writer of the article needed to fill space so he wrote more about bullfighting and what Cruz ate more than anything.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Wanna Date A Happening Girl?

I saw this article about this Japanese group that was created for a reality show called Happening Girls. These chicks are planning to date and/or marry a fan. You just have to be between the ages of 17 and 30 as well as live in Tokyo to join the group and be cool with wearing bikinis in public. The guy that runs the show, Teruki Aoki, said “We are positively encouraging our fans to meet and date the girls. How they get on and how far they go is up to them. But they're contracted to let us into their private life and share in their relationship.” I've tried to find some of their music and there is none yet. The girls at the moment are 20 year old Manaka, 22 year old Saaya, 26 year old Kaori, and 25 year old Eri. I'm not sure who is who, but that girl third from the left is likely getting the least amount of action. The one all the way to the right? Thumbs up.  

Friday, October 10, 2014

Dante Talks About Ellen Burkhart The 26 Year Old Virgin

While listening to a show I heard about an article written by Ellen Burkhart about how hard it is for her to find a guy once she tells them that she is a virgin. I'll post a link HERE if you want to read all that she wrote. As usual, I'll have what she wrote in quotations along with my thoughts.

“I should be better at sharing this bit of information by now. I'm a 26-year-old woman with a college degree, a good job, an adorable duplex and no debt. I have a solid group of friends, a supportive family and a clear awareness of who I am and who I want to be. By most accounts, I am a successful human being. Yet the moment I have to tell the guy I'm dating that sex is not an option, I become a squirmy, awkward, fidgety girl who can't make eye contact or put together a complete sentence. Think junior high dance, only without a bathroom to hide in.”

I have a problem with that paragraph. In all that she listed she did not tell me anything about her that would make me want to be her friend, let alone date her. She listed the things that are stereotypically things that women care about when wanting a guy. Stuff. Shit. What they own. How they get along with people. I once listened to a chick complain to another one about her shitty choices in guys. Not once did she say anything about herself personally.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

"Royce" Part 15 (End)


Click here for previous "Royce."

"Just put that shit down, baby girl!" Oberon said to Lady. "Why you always gotta be pointin' guns an' shit at a nigga? Can't we talk it out?"

"I have been waiting years to take yo ass out" Lady growled at Oberon.

"I know you ain't still mad about the heroin shit! That was years ago! Not like I fuckin' stuck that needle in ya arm..." Oberon said while keeping his hands in the air. Anne was not near to calm her down so he had to choose his words very carefully. Not one of his strengths.

"Nigga, you did stick that needle in my arm! Did you know I lost that baby after that shit?" she screamed. "Did you?!"

"That's sum fucked up shit, fo' sho'. But ain't like you wanted a baby, right? Am I right?" he asked. "So the way I see shit you owe me for doin' you a favor" Oberon laughed. Lady fired two shots at Oberon, one hitting him in the shoulder. "Stop fuckin' 'round, Ladine!" he shouted.

The thing he hated so much about Albany's mansion was the thing he loved: the size of it. He crawled behind a couch and fished underneath for his gun. Lady fired two more shots, on of them missed him by less than an inch, knocking his diamond stud from his ear.

"Royce" Part 14


Click here for previous "Royce."

"We need backup, now! Officer's down! I repeat: officer's down! Multiple victims! I don't care! Get more people here now!" a policeman shouted. He fired his weapon at Royce but kept missing because he was shaking so badly. Royce kept firing his weapon at the patrol cars.

"Why won't this son of a bitch go down?!" another officer asked. "Has he even run out of shots yet?"

"I don't think so!" the policeman replied. He looked around and saw many of the officers either on the ground dead, bleeding, or hiding behind their vehicles. He had never seen a weapon like the one Royce was using. It appeared to glow at the end of the barrel. 

A news helicopter flew too low and drew Royce's attention. Royce aimed at it cutting right through its tail end sending it spiraling to the ground.

"Everyone move out!" an officer screamed as the helicopter crashed to the ground taking out six police cruisers. A huge fireball exploded in the sky. Royce never stopped firing his weapon.

"Royce" Part 13


Click here for previous "Royce."

"When is father coming back, Albany?" Anne-Marie asked. Their father Castor Danish had not been heard from in over a week. There was food in the house for now but not enough to last another seven days or so.

"How am I to know?" Albany replied. "I am tired of this child" he said while cradling Royce in his arms. "Why do you not hold him, sister? Just for a bit. My arms are getting tired."

"Really? Father will be upset if..."

"Father is not here!" Albany shouted as he thrust the child into Anne-Marie's arms, almost dropping him.

Anne-Marie took Royce and pat him on the back. Many times during the night Anne-Marie would sit next to his crib and read stories to him. Stories of pirates, adventures, and crime novels she found under her fathers bed. They were different from any books she had seen before. Many of them had photos paper clipped with men that she knew as associates of her father. Some of them were covered in sheets or in bags.

The child never cried and that worried Anne-Marie. He would just sit and stare at whomever walked past him. Even when Albany dropped him a few weeks ago he did not make a sound. He just looked at Albany and sighed.

13 Years Later

There are things that we think of every single day. What to eat. Chores. Pooping. Just regular things that come across your mind every day like normal folks. For the past 13 years there has not been a single day where the thought of my brother Kevin that died when I was 22 years old doesn't cross my mind.

It's not as romantic, thoughtful, or pleasant as it sounds. In movies when you hear people say they think of someone every day it sounds nice. I'm here to tell you that it isn't as sweet as it seems. It sucks and it hurts. Yeah, a lot of the time when I think of my brother I think of all the funny things he did or said. I think of hanging out with him. Teaching me how to drive at the age of 9. Watching wrestling. Waking up mad because his allergies would make him scratch his ear and clear his throat super loud.

But other times I just remember that he is dead.

"Royce" Part 12


Click here for previous "Royce." 

"What is the deal with you and that Royce fella?" Van Housen asked Solomon. They were at a drive-thru waiting for their change. "Albany said that he beat you up when you were younger or something."

"What have I told you about talking to that fat fool without me around? You can't believe anything he says" Solomon said of Albany. "That monster Royce pulled a chunk out of my skull when we were children."

"What do you mean 'a chunk'?" Van Housen asked.

"What do you think I mean, jackass? He literally pulled my scalp off. My parents spent so much money on surgery afterwards. I never got to pay him back. He even killed my friend Tommy a few years after that. Idiot tried to kill Anne and got shot dead in the street. Get the change" he said to Van Housen.

"Thank you, sir. Come again soon" the cashier said.

Surprise Boners

There are certain actresses that for whatever reason suddenly flip the script on my ass. Like, one second they are just there doing what they do and all of a sudden I like them. The earliest example I have of this happening is with Alicia Silverstone from The Crush. I remember watching this with my friend when we were maybe 14 years old. I knew who she was from small parts on TV shows and her face bugged me. But while watching this movie something changed.

Pictured: Black man kryptonite!

There is a scene where she is riding a horse and being an asshole. The movie is about a crazy ass chick that messes with an older man then goes bananas. Great movie. So anyhoot, she is riding a horse and wearing this outfit and suddenly I grew hair in new places. I was like “Man, I can't stand her with her stupid beautiful hair, cute crooked smile, and legs that won't quit. Wait. What?”

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

That Ain't Candy, Kids

A 30 year old mother by the name of Ashley R. Tull of Selbyville, Maryland is in trouble because she didn't check the bag she sent her child to school with. Tull sent her daughter to school with a different backpack because the dog had ruined it the previous night. Her daughter took the bag to school and upon opening it found a bunch of little bags. You see where this is going. Her daughter, thinking it was candy, started handing them out. Turns out they were bags of heroin. Red chicken. Diesel. Golden girl. Spider blue. Rihanna. Brown sugar. White nurse. Sanford & Son. Black tar. Number 8. Scat. Mud. Baba Booey. Witch hazel. You know what I'm talking about. Despite this she was not charged with possession or charged as a dealer. She was charged with maintaining drug property and three counts of child endangerment. She got out on $6,000 bail. That doesn't seem to be all that much money for having your kid take drugs to school (on accident) and handing it out to other kids. If they had eaten that shit this story would be all over the news. Be that as it may, I stumbled across this story and am still shocked that she didn't get charged with more stuff. Maybe heroin is cheaper than I think. Just checked online. Between $140-150 a gram and she had 3.735 grams. 

"Royce" Part 11


Click here for previous "Royce."

"Drop the fuckin' knife or I swear to God I will blow your goddamned head right the fuck off!" Lady screamed at Juan Baptista. "Do it!"

"Chica, I am gonna make sure you have a matching set of hands!" Juan said as he jumped at Lady. She fired two shots and clipped his shoulder. He grunted and jumped behind the couch. "I found my blades, mujar" He said. "I am gonna chop your head off now." 

Lady ran into the kitchen and hid behind the counter while reloading her gun. Anne's house was very small and did not leave much space for cover. "Donde estas, corazon?" Juan sang in a singsong voice as he twirled his blades in the air. Juan Baptista, also known as John the Baptist, had a weapon that few could understand let alone fight against. 

Two butchers knives connected with leather straps.

"Fuck you, Baptist!" Lady said as she jumped up firing shots at him. "How dare you fuckin' attack me here? There are rules!"

"Fuck rules, nina. There are no more rules. Didn't you hear? 'The War' is about to begin" Juan said. "So I figure, 'Juan, why not take out your enemies before 'The War' starts?' So here I am." Juan twirled the blades in circular motions before throwing them through the air towards Lady so fast they made a sound.

"Royce" Part 10


Click here for previous "Royce."

"Stay out here, woman" Djinn said to lady. "I do not want your help. I do not need your help."

"Nigga, I don't even like you so you need to lower the bass in your voice" Lady said. "Miss Anne and your punk ass boss said we would work well on this gig and I am not in the habit of questioning Anne decisions. But now I am not so sure."

Djinn and Lady stood in the front of a mansion that was surrounded by a twelve-foot iron gate. Behind the gate stood ten Dobermans, just waiting for one of them to try and climb the gate. Mouths foaming like so much water at a beach. 

Lady stuck her metal stump through the gate and three of the dogs jumped at it. Two bit down on it and yelped in pain. Lady smiled as she checked the damage.

"Cool" she said while wiping the saliva from the stump. "I don't wanna be using guns on this even though I fucking hate dogs. Let's try an' do this shit as quiet as we can. Okay?"

"I do not take orders from a woman. Especially one with a handicap that would prevent her from pleasing a man let alone cleaning their home properly" Djinn spat. "As I said before, you will wait here and I will handle this. Is that understood?" He withdrew his two-foot blade from its holster and pointed it Lady.

"Sure, Aladdin" she said as she banged her stump against the fence, sending the dogs into a frenzy. Lights come on inside the mansion and multiple shadows could be seen moving about. "My bad."

Where You At?: Michael Schoeffling

After my last post trying to find random actors (or actresses if some dude responds) Njeeeri wanted to know about Michael Schoeffling. I had to look up who this was. One because that name isn't even kind of familiar and two because she didn't just sat “Jake Ryan.” He is best known for being in 16 Candles which I didn't see until I was in my 20's. Turns out this guy was active from 1984 till 1991 and then he vanished off the face of the Earth. I could find only one recent image of him and I had to clean it up to even make him visible. And I'm still not sure it's even him! He retired from acting to provide for his new family and has been making handmade furniture ever since. Good for him. His wife is a former model and he has two children. At the age of 53 he has made it this far with no mugshots or weird stories...like how I sold porn to Long Duk Dong. True story! Who else? Oh, Principal Rooney! I sold porn to 80's icons that I wasn't aware of until too late to truly enjoy it. Let me know if there are any other folks you want me to look up.

Click here for previous Where You At?

"Royce" Part 9


Click here for previous "Royce."

"Apply pressure, damn it!" Anne screamed at Royce. She was driving her Oldsmobile at a dangerous speed as Lady bled to death in the back seat. Oberon had shot Lady in the back during a meeting in which Oberon threw a bag of cocaine in her face. Lady in turn pulled a blade and slashed Oberon across the chest. "Are we near the hospital?" Anne asked Royce. "This is not the time to be silent!" she screamed.

Royce removed his tie and attempted to soak up the blood pouring out of Lady's back. He climbed into the front passenger seat and stomped on the brake. The car screeched to a halt. 

He looked at Anne and she climbed out of the car as he slid into the drivers seat. Anne jumped into the back seat and cradled Lady. Royce sped the car in reverse and turned down an alley.

"Where are you going? This is not the way!" Anne shouted. "Where are you taking her?" Royce looked at Anne in the rear view and continued driving well over 110mph. "It's going to be alright, kid. You'll see. We will take care of you. You will not die", she said as she pat Lady on the head. Lady coughed and blood sprayed the back of Royce's head and part of the windshield. Royce sighed and wiped the blood with his hands.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

"Royce" Part 8


Click here for previous "Royce."

"Albany, I have heard that you were involved in what happened to our brother. Please tell me it's not true."

Anne sat across from Albany at a hole in the wall bar near Royce's apartment. Albany brought Oberon and Djinn along. Anne brought Lady. So while Anne talked to Albany to find out the truth their help sat at a nearby table.

"I had nothing to do with the attack on Royce. I was very saddened by what I hear happened to him. I was planning on visiting him but he was taken away before I could" Albany said. He tried to hide his smirk underneath his mustache. "I heard he killed over twenty people leaving."

"It was thirty three. He was leaving whether they wanted him to or not, you know how he is. And seeing as how I know you know how baby brother is you know that if he finds out that you had anything to do with that attack, he will kill you. He would kill me if he knew that I was even talking to you."

Anne remembered for a moment all those years ago when Royce shot both her and Albany. She took a bullet in the arm. Albany took two in the leg. His cane is his own personal reminder of what not to say to Royce.

"Royce" Part 7


Click here for previous "Royce."

"So how old are you anyways?" Lady asked. She and Royce were on their way to 'work' under Anne's insistence. She tricked Royce into it by asking him to say yes or no, knowing that he chose not to ever speak. "I know Anne is older than you but that's not saying much because she is just a few years older than dirt."

Royce just kept his eyes on the road and scratched his neck. Lady looked at his dashboard and reached for the glove compartment. She heard a click and saw that Royce had a gun aimed at her head. She slowly placed her hand in her lap.

"You could've just told me to not look in there. What's in that anyway? Guns? Knives? Body parts? Yeah, I bet that's it. You look like the kind of guy that keeps body parts. You know John the Baptist? Not the religious dude, the Mexican one Juan Baptista. They say he keeps body parts. That shit is gross. How the fuck you gon' keep heads and shit?" she asked Royce. 

He just signaled left and turned slowly.

"You drive like an old man, old man. How fast does this thing go? It looks older than you. Does it run on hope? Come on! I know you never talk but you could at least laugh. Why don't you talk anyway? Is it some secret oath or something? Did you say one thing once and never chose to again? I wonder what your voice sounds like. Is it high? I bet it's high and that's why you never wanna talk. All squeaky and shit."

"Royce" Part 6


Click here for previous "Royce." 

"I respect your opinion, Solomon, but I suggest you watch your mouth" Albany said as he and Solomon dined on steaks that cost well over $900 each. Albany did not touch his. It was his subtle way of letting Solomon know that he was that wealthy.

"I just don't get it, Albany" Solomon said as he shook his head. "You have enough money to hire the best that money can buy. But for some reason you desire to surround yourself with Negroes."

"Djinn is not a Negro. He is Arab. And money has nothing to do with this. They are good at what I pay them to do" Albany said as he sipped his wine. "Oberon alone was a millionaire before he began working for me. Djinn was rudderless but once he was trained to channel all that rage in my service he became the third deadliest 'worker' in the country."

"Who is number two? I know who is number one..." Solomon said while rolling his eyes.

"We all know that my baby brother is the best. God only knows how he is still alive. But as for number two, Juan Baptista is just amazing. Have you ever seen him work?" Albany asked.

"Once. That was all I needed. Too bad he's a dirty Mexican otherwise I would have scooped him up a few years ago. I hear your sister has just hired a cripple. What is wrong with your family? Do they choose to be failures?" Solomon asked.

Where You At?: Bruce Penhall

Earlier today I wrote one of my All Gown An' Shit posts about chicks that I liked when I was younger. I asked my friends if they had anyone that they used to like that I could search for. Well, Dashuh was the first to respond and she asked for a guy named Bruce Lee...Penhall. God, it would've been funny if it was regular old Bruce Lee. Penhall was a racing champion born in Balboa, CA in 1957. He retired in 1982 after winning his second World Championship. Way to leave 'em hanging. He later went into TV like folks did back in the day. He was on Renegade, The Facts Of Life, and CHiPs which was one of the coolest shows ever as well as a few movies. I'm not sure of what he's been up to since then besides not wearing shorty shorts. I mean, come on. Let's discuss the elephant in the room. The ony men that can get away with that now live in my neighborhood. But I can see why Dashuh and many women had a crush on this guy. I mean, look at those legs! Thanks for the suggestion, gangsta.  

"Royce" Part 5


Click here for previous "Royce."

"I can not believe you did that, you silly bastard!" Albany screamed at Royce. "Do you know what you have just done? Do you have any idea what they will do to avenge their boss? That was Solomon's brother-in-law! You knew that, right? They will kill all of us before sundown, I guarantee that!"

"What was Royce supposed to do? Just pretend it didn't happen? You knew what you were doing when you invited Royce along! Don't play us for saps, Albany" Anne said. "Royce, turn here" she said. Royce turned left onto an unpaved road. He drove a few hundred yards and then stopped the car. Albany looked at her suspiciously. "Now how about you tell me what you really brought Royce and I there for?"

"I have no idea what you mean, Anne-Marie" Albany said.

"Yes, you do. That was not the type of gathering we needed to be involved with. There was nothing but the biggest men from every city. No bodyguards or hired help were there except your brother and me. Now tell me the truth: Why were we brought there?" Anne hissed. Royce at this point lit a cigarette and rolled down his window. The cool night air slowly filled the car like fluid in a punctured lung.

"To make a point", Albany said.

"And what was that point?" Anne asked.

"Royce" Part 4


Click here for previous "Royce."

"Why did you do this, Royce?" Anne asked while holding up a sheet of paper. Royce just sat and stared at his coffee. Royce had signed up for the Army without anyone knowing. "Do you even care about that silly war?"

"Of course he doesn't!" Albany shouted. "He just wants to not work. You are not even old enough for the military, you fool. You're only 15, for God's sake!"

It is known that many people have lied to fight during wars. With Royce's size and demeanor the government did not care whether or not he was old enough. He looked like a soldier. At the age of 15 he was already 6'2" and 245lbs. He participated in no sports but had the build of a football player and the speed of a sprinter.

"Royce, we can find a way to get you out of this! You read the papers, don't you?" Anne asked.

"I do not think the fool can read", said Albany. "I have never seen him touch a book. I doubt he even knows where Japan is. I say let him go. Let him go and come back with an arm or leg missing like the rest of these fools. Will that make you happy, baby brother?"

Monday, October 6, 2014

"Royce" Part 3


Click here for previous "Royce."

"You are getting fat, Anne-Marie" Albany said. He sat with Royce on the side of the booth that faced the window. Since coming into power Albany became increasingly paranoid. "You should do something about that."

"I don't care about my weight", she said.

"Obviously" he replied.

"And stop calling me 'Anne-Marie.' 'Anne' will do just fine" she said as she shoveled a mouthful of pasta down her throat.

"Disgusting" Albany muttered to himself. "You can at least pretend you were not raised by wolves. Use a napkin. Royce, could you hand me a fork?" Royce did not even look towards his older brother. He was staring at his coffee. 

Anne always ordered it for him the same way every time: black, no sugar, and no cream. Anne stared at Royce and smiled. She wondered what went through his head during times like this. When they were "working" Royce was as easy to read as a comic strip. But at times like this he was as hard to read as Braille.

"Royce" Part 2


Click here for previous "Royce."

"Leave him alone!" Anne-Marie shouted at a group of children surrounding Albany. Once again they were the new kids. Twice a year their father would pack all of their belongings and let them know that they were moving. There was never time to make new friends. 

But there always seemed to be plenty to make new enemies.

"What are you gonna do, girly-girl? Scratch us?" one of them laughed.

"Yes" she said as she charged the boy. She swiped at him and he screamed. He covered his face and stumbled backwards until he landed on his back. The boys ran away from Albany and went to their friend.

"I'm gonna kick your butt!" he said. He lifted his hands away from his face and three long scars cut a jagged pattern across his eyes. "You are dead!" he said as he ran towards her. Suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks. Anne-Marie turned around and saw her baby brother Royce standing on the porch rubbing his eyes.

"Go back inside" Anne-Marie told Royce. He just stared at her and headed towards to boys. Even at the age of 7 he had a look that would make the Devil think twice. The boys started to run away and Royce gave chase.