Monday, August 31, 2009
In this episode I call "Dear Abby" out on her bad advice and BS. Topics include school, dating etiquette. school, and jerks. I also talk a bit about church from this past Sunday and try out my Dr. Claw impersonation. Be sure to click the link to download this and other episodes. Enjoy!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
In this episode which was started on Thursday and finished on Saturday I talk about The Tyra Banks Show and her topic of virginity, DJ AM being an ass, cleaning my mothers garage, and what I've been up to the past few days. Also, remember to click this link to download my shows to your iTunes. Enjoy!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Welcome back, everyone! In this episode that turned very crazy dude heavy, I discuss the psychopath Bryan Jenkins, woman beater Chris Brown, and whether or not a big wedding and huge proposal is important for a marriage. Oh, and here's the link for my Rosscast if you ever want to download the show and upload it to your iTunes so you can have Rosscast on the go! Enjoy!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
In this episode I talk to men about personal hygiene. Come on. We all need it. But don't feel left out, ladies. I offer some tips for you as well. I also explain when you should and when you should absolutely NOT tip. Enjoy!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
As promised I welcomed to my show the Skeptical Halfbreed himself, Kiyoshi Parker! We talk about everything from sex, drinking, growing up, figuring out why Jesus was so angry, why we hate cars and don't drive, "Roman Soldier's", and why we don't care what a womans hair looks like. I hope you all like what is the longest Rosscast yet. Enjoy!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Oh, boy. Man, do I know how to babble. In this episode I talk about everything from zombie proofing, vampire movies, Halloween, why chivalry is dead, and why not to date chicks that dress like whores. I also try out my new Meatwad impersonation. Enjoy!
Monday, August 17, 2009
There was a small fire today. Not sure who started it but I was pleased with the distraction. You’d think everyone would be happy with such peace and quiet. I’m not. 2260 was relatively quiet but there was still some form of chaos. China had destroyed Japan. London has severed all ties with the rest of the world. No one had heard a peep from Africa since World War 4. But now? Everything was nice and sugary sweet. It was sickening.
During “lunch” I sit alone. Every day someone tries to befriend me. Today is a guy who says his name is Zint. These are the kinda names I have to deal with. No wonder I don’t bother to learn them. Everyone adds a Z, Y, or even numbers. There was this guy named 899. I shit you not. 8 fucking 99. I have to keep these thoughts to myself. That’s why I’m cursing so much. They don’t look to kindly on potty mouths. That reminds me of a funny story. In 2011, and you can still find the holovids of this, there was this news guy that believed that the world was about to end. They did a poll and 70% of the world believed that. Blame the Mayans and the media. So this guy, he goes on live TV right before the stroke of midnight and lets loose a barrage of profanity that would make the devil blush. Midnight came. The world didn’t end. But his career did. So, yeah. That’s why I don’t talk much. I swear like a whore.
Zint sits down holding his tray that contains a few pills, a tube of what is supposed to be meat, and a glass of h1o. Not, h2o. Don’t ask. He smiles at me. I don’t smile back. He looks like one of those damned robots. He pops one of the pills into his mouth and rubs his belly. If I say something I’ll get gassed.
“So how are you doing today, Rod!” he hollers at me.
“I’m amazingly bored” I tell him. He laughs. “Seriously. If I don’t get laid soon I may lose my mind.”
“Laid?” Zint asks me. “Are you tired? I can get you some Tanergy!” He is up and running before I can stop him. Tanergy is this drink that looks like urine, smells like shit, but apparently gives you enough energy to knock over a building. I refuse to drink the stuff. There was something like it when I was a kid called Number 6. Homicide was a side effect. Makes you wonder what Numbers 1 through 5 did. “Here you go!” Zint cracks open the Tanergy. Says it contains real fruits and vegetables. Bullshit. The last fruit or vegetable was seen a couple years before I was recruited for this nonsense. No one panicked. We were all so pumped full of bars that gave us what we needed to survive. I knock the drink over and everyone gasps. Robots come and get it before it has a chance to dry. “Oh, no…” Zint moans. “Should I get you another one, Rod?!”
“I’ll be fine” I tell him. “As soon as I get laid.” The woman in gold walks on by. The things I would do to her would get me locked away for life.
“Like what?” she asks me.
“You heard that?” I ask her. Fucking Sympaths.
“Yes” she says. She smiles at me. Maybe today wont be so bad.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I never wanted to do this. Time travel I mean. Nothing fun about it. “They” expected everything to be perfect. And I guess in some peoples eyes it is. There is barely any crime. Kids are smart. But there is just something…off about it all. I’ve been here for over a year and I still haven’t been able to place my finger on it. Something is rotten here and I intend to find out what it is.
A small robot wheels over to me and smiles. God, their smiles creep me right the hell out. I hand it a large sheet that looks like foil. If you saw it on the street you’d think it was trash. First off, there’s no trash on the street. Second, this is a months worth of work on this sheet. I hand it to the robot and it smiles.
“THANK YOU, ROD!” it shouts at me. I stare at it until it rolls away. I try not to ever speak to my co-workers, let alone these things. I press a small button on my desk and another sheet is spit out. I lay my hand on top of it and it begins to glow. I remove my hand and my palm print is visible. A small hologram of myself appears and waves to me. I don’t wave back. Everything I have to do for the next month appears on the sheet.
I never should’ve let them talk me into this shit. “It’s the future! Think of how exciting that’ll be!” 2260 was shit and I assumed that 2377 would be worse. I was right. I was actually looking forward to the end of the world at one point. New Year’s Eve 2376 a small group of people thought the world was gonna end. It didn’t. Not even a light flickered off. And if it did a small robot would’ve fixed it before you even noticed. Shouting snaps me out of my brooding.
Oh, no. Not today!
“HAPPY BIRTHYEAR, ROD!!!” my co-workers scream at me. My, God. Is it my birthday? I stopped caring a while ago. “HAPPY BIRTHYEAR TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHYEAR TO YOU! HAPPY B--” They stopped saying “Happy BirthDAY” about a century ago. Made people feel unimportant with the whole having only one day to celebrate your birth.
“Uh…thanks” I mumble. They shower me with streamers and leave quietly. Not real streamers. That would be wasteful. Its all holographic images. I need to have sex. I know that came out of nowhere but its true. That’s one thing that doesn’t exist anymore. The truth. Everyone is scared to speak it. No. They’re not scared. They don’t know any better. Yeah, so I really need to get laid. There’s nothing to care about disease wise. AIDS died out in 2105. One day I’ll tell you how they cured it. You’d never sleep comfortably ever again.
Sex in 2377 is very sterile. There’s no bars anymore. No one night stands. No alcohol. Let me repeat that. No. Alcohol. At all. So how do people meet? The Gate. Think of what they used to call the Internet, which became the Net, which became the Landscape, which became the Zone, which eventually became The Gate. From anywhere you can talk to anyone anywhere on the planet but clicking a button in your wrist. These are given at birth. You have no choice or say in the matter. Its how “They” set it up.
A co-worker whose name I can never recall walks by. She’s wearing metallic golden pants and a matching top. Its like she sprayed her body with gold. Nothing is left to the imagination. She drops her sheet and bends over in front of me to retrieve it. I can see Heaven.
Here comes the gas.
Friday, August 14, 2009
In probably my most ranty episode ever, I talk about Michael Vick, Chris Brown, and folks having kids when they shouldn't. I also talk about healthcare, hiding guns in fat folds, and Larry Hama answering my questions on The Handsome Genius Show. Enjoy!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
THE DATE IS JANUARY 2ND , 2377. GOOD MORNING!
Fucking alarm clock. I sit up in bed and stare at it for about ten minutes until my eyes begin to cross. A small robot that looks to be a cross between a cricket and a bear slides across the floor. A smooth, white material that was not invented until about 200 years from when I would have died by natural causes. This little abomination stops at my feet and stares at me with its unblinking soulless eyes. These things can smile. I didn’t like it so I disabled its mouth. Now everything it says comes out slightly muffled and low.
“good morning, rod” it chirps/sings at me. “what are your plans for the day?”
I didn’t like when my ex-wife asked me that question and I don’t like baby machines doing it. Fucking future. Its nothing like it was supposed to be. I stand and kick at this thing and it moves. I end up kicking a small metal table next to my bed instead. I cut my big toe and the robot panics. Other smaller robots rush into the room and immediately administer care. I shoo them away and stand on the platform that will take me into the kitchen.
I miss real food. I look at the fridge and its door becomes translucent. Translucent? I would’ve beaten myself up for using that word in my own time period. Why do I even bother checking? it’s the same shit that was in there last night. I would kill for a real hamburger. Not this synthetic crap they pass off as a hamburger. I’m the only person that complains. Anyone that would’ve known what real beef tasted like died 134 years ago.
“have a great day” that little thing sings to me. It followed me to the kitchen.
“Piss off” I tell it. This time I don’t kick at it. I throw a spoon. The spoon stops mid-air and floats onto the counter. I quickly grab a towel and cover my nose. The gas starts pumping through a vent in the ceiling. “They” sensed my emotions getting out of control and decided I needed a boost of happiness. I’ll get to who “They” are later. Right now I have to work.
I step out onto the streets happy that I didn’t have to speak to any of my neighbors. I look to the sky and its empty. Not a flying car in sight. They say by the year 2400 the skies will be littered with them. Sure. That’s what they said when I was a kid and that was in 2102. I start my 2 mile walk to work with my head down. In this time period everyone greets you loudly. I don’t know what happened over time but the world decided that silence was not necessary and everything became one cacophonous orchestra of sound. The only time there’s silence is when I’m sleeping and even then the robots try to sing me lullabies‘.
I arrive to work and race to my cubicle. I guess its not really a cubicle as much as its an invisible cell. No one believes in privacy anymore. If you take a shit everyone knows how many sticks of cinnamon you used. Don’t get me started on the cinnamon sticks…
In this episode I give a stammering filled run through of bible study from last night. I also talk about the meteor "tinkle" we had, church, interracial relationships, Hillary Clinton, and books I like reading. Enjoy!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
In this episode I talk about the good, the bad, and the stutardedly ugly that can occure when drinking. Specifically when I, your host, Dante drinks. I also talk about the free care deal at the Forum, and why I think I have no game whatsoever when it comes to the ladies. Enjoy!
For the first time I tried using Skype to have Jess on with me. Sounds kinda weird but its an informative Rosscast nonetheless. We discuss Gerard Butler, Jon & Kate, movies, religion, Steve Harvey's dumb ass, when she boned out when I first met her dad, and how we met. Enjoy!
Monday, August 10, 2009
I answer some listener questions and ramble for quite a while about hypocrits in regards to religion. I also talk about good places to eat and why dogs are smarter than children. Special thanks to Jess, Kiyoshi, Hoozle, Reinard, Njeri, and Julie for listening to my rambles every week! This is fun. Remember to keep 'em coming. Enjoy!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
In this episode I answer Reinard's questions once again including what I would do if I banged the kings daughter and what I would do with my clone. I also talk about hanging with Julie for her birthday and the Fairfax crew and grunion hunting with Camille. Oh, and I destroy a village "Old Boy" style! Enjoy!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
In about four week’s at my girlfriends church they are gonna be talking about the legacy of our fathers. This got me thinking about the stuff that our families do that affect us. I’m not just talking about how they treated us when we were growing up or who we actually got to see. This goes a bit deeper. I’m talking on a microscopic, DNA, generational type of thing.
I chose the picture of my eye as an example. For years I have told people that I have a grey outline in my eyes. What’s funny is that I never tried to figure out why. One day I did and the results were surprising. It turns out that families with a history of high blood pressure has this occur throughout their bloodlines. I don’t have high blood pressure. I was actually told I had low blood pressure when I was around 14 (which has no since been changed to whatever regular ass blood pressure is). But its just funny to me that something that many people in my family had could affect me physically.
I wonder lots of times what other strange things that go on with my body are the result of my family. I know its where I got my feet from (known as “Ross toes”). My mother loves to make fun of the shape of my nose which is from my fathers side of the family. Bad vision runs on each side. My crazy ass fingers come from my late Grandma (man, it’s weird to write that). The straight teeth and height are an oddity though. My family isn’t tall and has a lot of mouth issues. I jacked my teeth up plenty growing up either by having them knocked out or allowing them to rot out. Hell, even the fact that I draw comes from my Grandmama that used to draw (she said her father made her stop as it was “unladylike”), my father, and my late older brother. What the hell else is hiding inside of me?
Besides that kinda stuff there is also the terrible stuff we get from family. This is a good reason to know some of your family history. You don’t want to find out at 45 that most men in your family die at 50 from a disease you kept yourself from knowing because you ignored your entire family. Yeah, I have kept my distance from mine but over the last few years have gotten closer. There are things I need to know. This is one of the reasons why I will be sure to be in church. Physically and mentally there are things I know and things I don’t. Why is alcoholism so strong in my family. How about drug use? Denial? All these things. So now spiritually I need to find out some stuff.
Friday, August 7, 2009
In this episode I once again asked for listener questions. Reinard, a former schoolmate, asked me some very odd questions. But I, being your hero, answered them. I even managed to squeeze in some news stories and give tips on what not to do at hotels. Enjoy!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
So one day while helping Camille out at the Graham Library I pick up this book she had told me about. She said that it was in the Juvenile section but it was awesome. Camille has awesome ass tastes when it comes to books (she gave me a “Zot” graphic novel and hooked me up with “Serena” which were stutardedly amazing) so I gave it a go. First I had to wait until she was done.
Now, I don’t wanna ruin too much of it because I really do want some of you to read it. The story is about a skeleton detective that uses magic to solves crimes. Yeah. After the death of a girls uncle she (Stephanie Edgley) she inherits his home, much to the chagrin of her greedy aunt, uncle, and cousins. Turns out her uncle was a part of an underground society of magic. Let the craziness begin!
This story wastes no time getting to the action. The author, Derek Landy, is a fantastic writer. No use of words you have to look up (Robin Cook), or terrible loose ends and plot holes (anything made by Stephen King after 1990). Also, Landy practices kempo. This shows in the action sequences. When was the last time you read a book that made it feel as if you were getting a workout? When Skulduggery Pleasant (the skeleton detective) twists someone’s arm before smashing their nose in, you feel it.
The young girl of 13 in this story, Stephanie, is actually fascinating. This isn’t a bullshit story about some lonely little girl that wants attention. This is the daughter I will never have but if I did I would want. She is strong, assertive, and clever. There is no young angst. Just a girl with a nice family that wants a bit more excitement in her life.
And boy does she get it!
She is immediately plunged into a world of magic that occurs all around us that we are unaware of. Creepy guards called Cleavers, untrustworthy but beautiful women, sorcerers, vampires, trolls, and all other manner of beasts occupy this story. I finished it quickly and Camille called me with some great news. There was another book.
Like an idiot I finished it too fast. I started it Tuesday night, barely touched it yesterday because I know how I am and will plow through 400 pages in a few hours, and finished it tonight. The second book managed to be better than the first! I didn’t think it was possible but Camille told me it was really good. I agree. How often can you read a story and so quickly fall in love with the characters? Derek Landy has made characters I would gladly read about even if there were just half the cast. Hopefully he doesn’t fall into the same trap Dean Koontz has with his “Odd Thomas” series. With those books the first two were awesome. The third was…okay (it was heavy with Koontz’s love of using people with mental handicaps and Golden Retrievers). The fourth was a huge letdown. It felt like he was just running on fumes and he’s not even done. There are more to come. Heavy sigh…
So if you get a chance, check out Derek Landy’s “Skulduggery Pleasant.” You will not be disappointed.
This episode is dedicated to one Kiyoshi Parker. I answer his questions such as what would I rather be killed by (vampire or zombie), why I am going to church now, and what person I would eat if I had to. Enjoy!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Once again I am joined by Jess! We explain why we will never have children and the steps we will take to ensure there are no little Jess' or Dante's runnin' 'round, movies, crazy ass North Korea, and accents. Enjoy!
In this episode I answer listener questions. They range from food, politics, wrestling, and what type of draws I wear! Thanks to everyone that helped out and there will be more to come! Enjoy!
Monday, August 3, 2009
I seriously had a list of things to talk about but ended up getting derailed. In this episode I discuss kids getting hit by cars, who calls me "Bro", Mid-City Alternative, drinking from the tap (or a hose), Sizzler's new horrifying buffet, stupid questions, and kids actually having a say in what they eat. Enjoy!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
So I’m sitting at home enjoying my pleasant ass day when I hear shouting at the bar. This is nothing new. There is always some drunk ass at the bar shouting or getting into a slap fight. I ignored it since the last time something cool happened was when Raynard and Julie were here and there was an actual fistfight. I heard some more shouting and decided to check it out. Boy, am I glad I did!
The cops had their guns drawn and aimed at some dude on the ground. The guy was pissed and didn’t wanna stay down. The cops were shouting some rather saucy things like: “Get the fuck on the ground!” “Keep you fucking hands and legs spread!” “Put out the fucking cigarette!“ and “Don’t fucking move!” These cops really liked “fucking.”
I don’t know what this guy did but the cops were very upset. So much so they had the Beverly Hills cops show up. No, not Eddie Murphy. This lady came out of the car and they had her on the ground as well.
She was moving all slow to get on the ground and the cops looked like they were gonna give her the old “Welcome to Los Angeles!” but she finally got down. For those of you that don’t know “Welcome to Los Angeles!” is what I named the move when you get on the ground and they shove their knees in your back.
There were more passengers in the car and they finally had them all out and checked the car while holding a shotgun. So of course everyone at the bar was watching. This one jackass actually walked to the edge of the curb and asked a cop “So what they do?” The cop looked at him like he shit in his hand and shooed him away. After a while they all left and things went back to normal which we all know means…
CRUISERS!!! I’m gonna write a whole story about these guys one day. The easiest way to spot them is the ever present backpack, baseball cap, and the fact that they’re way too damned old to be wearing the shit they’re wearing. That’s all for now with my exciting window that gazes at the gay bar where the fun seems to both never stop or start.