Saturday, November 30, 2013

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 5

After Sad Sack finishes crying, thanking me for saving him, and then threatening to kill me if the check I give him bounces he finishes doing his pushups. I'm not a fan of sweat so I head down the hall to see if I can meet some new friends. Boobs has her door closed but the sounds coming out of her room prove that she isn't alone. Either she is having sex or a gorilla got into this facility and is attacking her. Either way I keep moving.

I get to a room at the end of the hall and hear music playing. Mr. W. Scott wouldn't be happy about this. I step into the doorway and this chick is sitting on the bed with her legs crossed. She's got on tight blue jeans and a black t-shirt. She has her back to me and her ass crack is hanging out which is driving me crazy.

“What?” she says without even turning to face me. Rude.

“Hello, Softy” I reply to her. “You know, with this smooth music playing, you meditating, and the nice lighting in here some would think that you were expecting a date. Well...” I say while hitching my pants up “ I am.” She scoffs at me. So rude!

She finally turns to face me and perhaps calling her Softy was a bad idea. She has a look in her eyes that I have seen only once before. No. Twice. In Mr. W. Scott and Joseph Stalin. My hands start shaking so I put them in my pockets which is a bad move because now it looks like I am fiddling with myself.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Kids These Days 26

This story pissed me off and not just because the teacher involved is really cute. In Tennessee, which is apparently upset that Florida and Texas are beating it in terms of overall crazy, a high school teacher had her hair and shirt set on fire by a student in her class. The teacher, Gabriela Penalba (23), was in her class in Knoxville when some 15 year old future felon got a wild hair up his ass and decided it would be an awesome idea to set fire to another human being.

While in class she made the mistake of turning her back on today's youth and this kid used a light to set her ablaze. Other students in the class put the fire out quickly so she wasn't hurt...physically. But mentally I'd be a fucking disaster! This isn't someone who had fire put to them because they were rescuing someone from a burning building or a car accident. She turned her back to her class and this asshole set her on fire.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Rosscast Episode 298: Aliens Or Zombies?!

In this episode I talk about whether I would rather have to face a zombie or alien apocalypse and then answer a bunch of random personal questions I found online. You may learn something new about me today! Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows. Also check out me and Cam's blog where I posted a new story she did when she was a wee bairn by clicking here! Enjoy!

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 4

The first night sounds like a scene out of Schindler’s List. Lots of moaning and weeping. Every half hour you hear someone throw themselves against their door. Yeah. They lock us down at night. Mr. W. Scott didn't tell us this until after dinner which caused an uproar until he looked up from his clipboard. Mouths shut faster than a first day inmates ass.

Where do I get this stuff from?

Sad Sack cant sleep so he is just lying on his bed punching his palm. He's been doing it for hours. I cant sleep with what sounds like hard, rhythmic masturbation. I stretch on my bed and yawn which is the universal signal for wanting to sleep and I hear bed springs. Sad Sack jumps from his bed and gets in my face.

“Told you we'd fall in love” I tell him. He just breathes in my face. He smells like cocoa butter. That's not racist. He uses the stuff.

“Can you shut the fuck up while I'm trying to sleep?!” he hisses in my face. I am so tempted to kiss him on the tip of his nose. Instead I just poke him on it.

“Boop.” He growls and lays back down.

“I need to break some shit.” could sleep” I suggest.

No Black Friday

Black Friday. Ugh. This is something that happens hopefully only in America where stores have huge deals and everyone goes there and starts fighting each other for stuff they can buy any other time of the year for a little bit more. Whenever I hear the word Black Friday I think “Jesus, that is racist!” And then I think “Why would anyone put themselves through this?” Putting your life in danger to buy stuff just doesn't seem all that important to me. Yes, your life is in danger when you do this.

By late tomorrow night there will be a story or two...or three about someone that has been beaten, attacked, or killed while shopping. Now, I know there are people out there that hate the news because they think it glorifies things that actually aren't that big a deal. This is true. But the fact that even one of these incidences happens is one too many. Remember that lady who was fed up at Walmart and started pepper spraying folks? Or those guys that fought for fifteen minutes over some panties for their wives at Victoria's Secret? This shit happened.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

"Enmity" by Dante Ross

"No! You said that you never wanted a kid! We both said it! When did you change your mind? And why now of all the damn times to do it?" Rick screamed at Lisa. He rarely ever raised his voice, even at football games. She was pinned against the wall with nowhere else to go. She cringed as he growled in her face, his breath hot and full of rage.

"I don't know, okay?" she shouted. "I just felt like it wouldn't be right to get an abortion! I felt it kick, alright?" Rick would not back up. Lisa waited for the blow. Rick had never raised her hand in anger at her. She had never believed that he was even capable of thinking a violent thought letting alone acting out in it. She no longer believed this to be true. "Just back off, okay, Rick? Just back off."

"No" Rick hissed. "I can't believe you would do this to me!"

"I didn't get pregnant on my own, you know? Alright?" Lisa said. She tried to move away. Get some space between her and Rick. He slammed his fist into the wall next to her face, putting a hole it.

"I know you didn't!" Rick shouted in her face. He was so close that his nose was touching her forehead. "Is it mine?" he asked. Lisa's eyes grew wide filling with tears. "Don't you dare cry!" Rick pounded his fist into the wall. Plaster raining down into Lisa's hair. "You don't get to cry! Weren't you on the pill?"

"Maybe" she said. "I don't know." She wiped the plaster from her hair and tried to hug Rick. He shoved her arms away and pinned them to the wall.

"You have to take care of this" he said. "I don't even care how. Just…do it." Rick let out a heavy sigh, blowing Lisa's hair back. "I'm going out" he said as he walked out of the living room.

Lisa slid down the wall until she was cradling her knees. She looked at the phone and reached for it from across the room. The handle of the phone shifted slightly. She pulled her hand back and bit into her knuckles hard enough to draw blood. She slowly rocked back and forth. She did not want a child but also did not want to destroy it. She knew what would happen if she gave birth. But still she could not force herself to do what she knew had to be done. Lisa stood and wiped her bloody knuckles on her shirt. 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Shit Just Got Real 9

There are so many times in life where someone does something wrong and then someone responds in an even wronger way and then the next thing you know all hell breaks loose. How can something turn from a traffic stop to a mother with a minivan full of kids being shot at and the mother and her 14 year old son under investigation? Easily apparently.

The mother Orianna Ferrell got into it with a state officer in New Mexico after she was pulled over for speeding. She was doing 71 in a 55 mph zone. The cop told her “I'll be right back, go ahead and turn the vehicle off for me.” So when the cop heads back to his vehicle she decided “Ain't nobody got time for that!” and sped off. Why? I don't know yet. But it was a bad idea. So he catches up to her again and starts yelling at her ass. “Get out of the vehicle! Get out of the vehicle right now!”

At this point the cop is over her bullshit and tries to yank her out the car. Now, you can say he is wrong for this but as a fan of equality they would've yanked a grown ass man out the car as well. Her 14 year old son decides its time to save the day until the cop pulls a taser out.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

"50 Stripes Of Gray" Part 3 of 5

Gary stared at Delvin not sure whether he should attack him or not. He walked over to his bed and immediately stood back up. Delvin's penis shook, not knowing what was going to transpire. Gary took a few deep breaths before finally sitting directly in front of Delvin on the floor with his legs crossed.

“ fainted?” Gary asked. Delvin nodded. “Why did you faint, if I may ask?”

“She started talking about small dicks or something and I think she made a move for me...”

“Wait wait wait wait” Gary said while waving his hands. “She touched your dick?”

“No” Delvin sighed. “I mean...she would have if I hadn't fainted. That's her job. To check out dicks that are sick. But she started saying things and the next thing I know I'm in a gown with an IV in my arm. It all happened so fast.”

Rosscast Episode 297: I'm A Bad Bitch

In this episode I talk about my nice weekend, hating the system, a sad Chinese man cutting his junk off, a Florida woman slapping a guy for using his cell phone during a movie, a woman playing a tambourine so hard that she had her ass pepper sprayed and tasered, and my random dislike for certain instruments. Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Monday, November 18, 2013

Dante Vs Nature 30

If you hate spiders, stop reading this right now. I don't hate them. I think they are freaks but I don't hate them. They look cool. Have eight arms for no goddamn reason. They shit stuff that traps food and makes us look crazy when we walk into it. Freaks. But lots of people are afraid of them. Throughout this post I'll show various images of cute animals to try and soothe your nerves. Seriously. Stop reading this if you hate spiders!

Parents Failing Hard 8

This was this missing woman in the news. She, Iya Sloan, had went to a club and after 1am left and the next thing you know she's missing. People were worried because she has two 5 year old twins and from what her family and friends say, she isn't the type of person to just vanish. I wish I was. It'd be cool if I had friends that said “Oh, I haven't heard from Dante in weeks. He must've vanished...again.” But sadly you all are stuck with me for at least a few more years.

This story has a happy ending though depending on what happens next. She was found safe and Las Vegas. How original. I wonder what possible excuse she could have for abandoning her kids this way. I can take a guess: Dick. She met some dude and wanted to get laid. Or she is tired of her kids and life. When I hear about some people with kids lives I want to run myself. Its like, you come home and they are there. On weekends. You gotta feed 'em. Damn. Its so much. But still. She's an asshole for leaving them like that.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

"50 Stripes Of Gray" Part 2 of 5

Gary stood in the doorway with his arms folded. Delvin sighed and waited for it to happen. If his penis had arms he's sure they would be crossed as well. Gary shook his head and closed the bathroom door. After close to ten minutes he managed to squeeze three drops out before giving up. He shuffled into the living room also known as Gary's room and sat on the couch...also known as Gary's bed.

“Don't let your poisoned stick touch my bed” Gary said while sipping coffee. Delvin checked his boxers to insure that his penis was indeed where it should be.

“Is there any more coffee left?” Delvin asked.

“Yeah” Gary replied. “But you're not getting any.”

“Why not?”

Kids These Days 25

My brother brought it to my attention that kids nowadays are even bigger pussies than I thought. Yeah. I'm talking to you, Erik with a K. You wuss. There are reports that kids are ending up in the hospital because of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. New Mexico, Illinois, and even fucking California schools are trying to ban what is one of the best snacks ever created. Why? Because they say it lacks nutritional value. Love doesn't either! You gonna try and ban that, too?!

They (meaning ze Nazis) say that this delicious treat that likely tastes the same as God's fingertips also creates a response in your brain box similar to illicit substances. Um, and this is being banned why?! The reason why kids are running to the hospital is because they are eating so many of these things that their shit is turning red and they think that they are shitting blood.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Rosscast Episode 296: I Knew You Were Trouble

In this episode I talk about my low sense of self, a drunk girl mistaken a cheeseburger for a shoe (the least of her problems this night), chivalry being dead, and a Missed Connections as read by Bane, Pretty Ricky, and Buffalo Bill. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Rosscast Episode 295: And Now For Something Completely Different

In this bootleg ass episode run off my small laptop I talk about waking up too early, cell phones, my busted laptop, a janky ass Florida car jacking story, and a hazing where a guy lost ones of his nuts. Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Five Things I Learned Not Owning A Cell Phone

At the ripe age of 34 (my best friend says that if I am not married by next year I am legally a bachelor) I still do not own a cell phone. This is not because I can't afford one or once had one and lost it. I’ve just never owned one. This is not some kinda accident. This is a lifestyle choice that I’ve made to insure that I live a particular kind of life. A life where I pay attention to who I am with and what I’m doing.

I am the only person that I know that does not have a cell phone. This isn’t just to be different. If I wanted to be different I’d have a cell phone but an old school one with a briefcase that weighed 20lbs. and was guaranteed to give me cancer while the ones you all use are just likely to. I decided to write this Five Things I Learned Not Owning A Cell Phone to finally stop people from asking why I don’t have one and to see the benefits of not owning one.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Shit Just Got Real 8

As humans we do stupid things that we hope no one saw. Back when I was little I did things that would have been Youtube sensation if it was caught on tape meaning my life would be ruined and I would not be the same guy you all know right now. The internet has changed the way a lot of people are handled when they fuck up in life. Take Michigan chick Alicia Ann Lynch. Please. Take her somewhere far from Earth.
She decided that it would be fun to come to work for Halloween dressed as a victim of the Boston marathon bombing. Now, depending on your levels of fucked up in your head you may think this is funny or even clever. You may even think that this is a “too soon” situation. Me, I think this is someone who had one of those horrible ideas and followed through with it. None of us are above them. See an old lady crossing the street too slowly and you imagine running her ass down making you Dodge earn its name. Someone talking too loudly on their cell phone and you want to throw it into traffic...after you through them.
But this?

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Rosscast Episode 294: Bad At Sexy

In this episode I talk about my place being remodeled, strange old Asian men trying to give me fake checks, birds being tossed at cops, Kids These Days with a well armed child, and I attempt to make some very gross news sound sexy and fail miserably at it. Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Friday, November 1, 2013

Kids These Days 24

Meet Sergio Irey. He is 21. yes, I know this is Kids These Days but this dude is a child in my book. When you are what is legally a grown ass man and you get scared of your mother Ricio Irey because she slaps you a couple of times you are a fucking kid.

Serigio was chilling at home, you know, just being a general loafer when his mom got pissed at him because he was sassing her. She slapped him twice and he freaked out and called the cops or as how the police report explained it “became scared of her and didn’t know what else to do.” How about move? Get your own place? Apologize for being a jackass? Do something with your life? I don't know. I'm just throwing ideas out there.