The Seven Friends Your Friends Have

Whenever I write posts like these a bit of myself is in some of the personality types I'm shit talking. I do not have many friends. I have people that think they are my friend or closer to me than I have actual friends. I know that I am not an easy friend to have because I have a set of rules that I do not break and if I do it is because that ass was just too good to pass up. I know it is annoying and aggravating to my friends and people getting to know me like when you wonder why Batman won't just kill The Joker.

It's because Batman doesn't kill!

So in this post I am going to talk about The Seven Friends Your Friends Have. I write this knowing that I am some of these things to people at least for the time being. Hell I might be all of them. Meeting the friends of your friends can be either exciting or terrifying depending on what they have told you about them or given you a heads up like “Susan is a close talker.” If I meet someone's friend and they are cool I know that I'll end up being a better friend than my friend if I want. It's happened. It's not pretty.

How Not To Make A Baby

When I first heard this story from Cam I hoped it was fake. I have checked multiple sites and so far it is coming up Milhouse so I decided to write about it. A couple in China were struggling to have a baby after trying for four years of their marriage. The guy was 26 and the lady 24. Young adults. Pretty much toddlers. Their family was all over them because they had not had a kid yet. They went to a doctor to figure out what the deal was and it turns out that they were doing it wrong. Like, way wrong. They were having butt sex to conceive a child. Yeah. Even as I write this I am hoping that this is fake and that someone, let alone two people, do not think that anal sex is how a baby is made.

An obstetrician named Liu Hongmei was told by the wife that sex was painful and worried she may have a disease. The doctor using science determined that the wife was still a virgin and gave them some sex education handbook probably called “Sex For Dummies.” A few months later she got pregnant and they sent her a few chickens and eggs to thank her. It seems that this not knowing how to bone down properly is an actual thing. Sex ain't talked about that way and students have held protests demanding that they get the proper education. Here my whole thing. I knew how to have sex over a decade before it happened. I got a cousin that is equal in intelligence to a wombat that somehow has two kids. He figured that shit out. I don't know how you can have sex with someone for four years and not accidentally knock on the wrong door.

Dante Vs. Nature 76

Some damned fool decided to play a game of slap ass with a hippo at the L.A. Zoo. This ass smacking bandit has not been caught yet but was filmed climbing the way too short for what is inside wall and acting like he was at an Atlanta strip club. The two hippos, Rosie and her daughter Mara, were just minding their business when this guy decided to take the highway to the danger zone and get his smack on. It doesn't seem like smacking a hippo is a bad thing...if you dumb. 

I saw this crazy documentary years ago called Congo with Bruce Campbell and it opened my eyes to the dangers of hippos. Later when the internet became a thing I could watch these creatures that I thought wiggled their ears, flung shit out their butts and swatted it like a fan with their tail, and had little birds eat leavings in their teeth chase Africans at speeds that made no sense and proved that god was not only cruel but liked a good laugh. They say about 500 people are killed by hippos every year in Africa which means the real number is closer to 20,000 because Africa don't wanna look like no punk bitch being killed by river pigs. If I were this guy I'd never want to be caught because showing up to court is gonna be eleven kinds of embarrassing and if he is locked up it is he who will become the hippo. Plus smacking butts is just rude unless they are into it. Then its fun as hell. But not with hippos. Don't smack hippo ass. Ever.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Standing Down

There are times in your life when you feel like you need to say something. Not because you are a man and “mansplaining” which is a term I hate because no matter what gender you are we all do it. But, men, we are at a time in history where learning to shut the fuck up, don't get involved, and picking your battles is more important than ever. Today guys are throwing themselves on grenades that are in the other room. They will hear something in passing and chime in. They will start an argument just because it is a thing to do and it is way out of hand now. They consider it a debate or discussion when in reality they are unhappy with their life in some way and looking for anything to distract them from dealing with it. “Why would I waste my time cleaning my house, taking better care of my body, and being nice to my people when there are women trying to walk around topless in New York?! What? No. I live in California, but still. Topless!”

Over the last few years I have made an effort to stand down more. Not because of society or because what is allegedly between my legs. But because it is just not worth my time to get involved in shit that does not concern me. I would lose my mind overhearing stupid things people were saying especially if they were talking about something I knew a lot about. But the strangest thing happened when I stopped doing it. I had more free time to think about things that interested me. I would just think “Damn, they are really confident in their ignorance” and continue about my day.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 30

Jasmine is back! In this episode we talk about our not Fat Tour to Yardbird and Trejo's Donuts, me (Dante) talking about women and Jasmine accusing me of running from them, trying to stay healthy...ish, Kim Kardashian beefing with Tyson Beckford's old ass, I complain about fake butts, Demi Lovato od-ing, R. Kelly's new song “I Admit”, Jasmine assaults me with a song called “Sweet Tooth” by City Girls, people getting stabbed in theaters, I am shocked Jasmine does not go to concerts, and a woman biting noses off of faces. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.