Friday, April 29, 2016

Fives Things I Learned Aren't Worth It For Me

There are a lot of things in life that people will say are worth fighting for. Family, freedom, wealth, and happiness. But sometimes those things don't exactly line up with your version of happy and the next thing you know people are looking at you as if you're a strange ass weirdo because you don't have the same values as them. In this Fives Things I Learned Aren't Worth It For Me I'll talk about the ones that I think of the most in my own life because this is my own blog. And you can be happy you are not me.

Being In Amazing Shape

At multiple points in my life I had wanted to be in amazing shape. What I mean by this is having a body that looked like something you'd see at the beach and not want a seagull to fly away with it because it was scaring the children. I have been super skinny, fat, in between, and what I currently am (at 201 pounds) not fat but not in shape enough to scare someone if we got into a fight with my dangerous muscles. And I no longer want to be.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 4

In this episode I am joined by my cousin Jasmine. We discuss Prince dying, Billy Paul's death being ignored, my version of Prince's history with women, Prince death conspiracies, Jasmine breaks down the science of flu season, abortion doctors being shady, a discussion about raising kids with special needs that I take right off the rails and not wanting a “pop top kid”, wanting to be pumped full of adrenaline, and Nick Cannon's confused dick. It'll make sense after you listen. Click here for this and previous Just Talking With Dante.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Trying To Date The Kardashian's

The Kardashian women as well as the Jenners are...something else. I was talking to my cousin recently about which one of them I would have the best chance of dating or which one I'd even want to. I'd never put much thought or consideration into all of them but thought it'd be fun to break down each of them and look at what possible chances I'd have dating one of them if this was a reality where I thought doing such a thing would be a good idea.

Which I don't.

I'll be listing their ages, reported heights, previous relationships (according to the internet), best and worst qualities that I am aware of, and the percentage I'd have of dating them. As of now its zero. Is there a number that is less than zero? Banana. I have banana chances of actually dating one of them. If reading this upsets you chances are you need more hobbies and/or things to be angry about other than my random nonsense.

Friday, April 22, 2016

While You Were Sleeping: Student Beaten To Death In School

There is this story that I was made aware of because of the hashtag #RIPAmy. A 16 year old student from Delaware named Amy Inita Joyner-Francis died after being jumped in a school bathroom yesterday morning at Howard High University. It is being reported by media that her friends say that people stood around watching as she was attacked and recorded it on their phones instead of helping her. The ridiculousness of that statement is something I'll get around to discussing in a little bit. 

Wilmington mayor Denis Williams said at a press conference “I'm so upset that the young lady lost her life today. Things like this shouldn't happen. My heart bleeds for the family, the kids that go to this school, administrators and our city.” Amy was pronounced dead on the way to the hospital.

Police have begun interviewing students and possible suspects. One witness said “She was fighting a girl, and then that's when all these other girls started banking her, like jumping her, and she hit her head on the sink.” It is also said that a full time police officer is stationed at this school. So far this story is surprising to many because it consisted of nothing but girls, no one stepped in to help, and a police officer was on location when this murder took place.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Johnny Panic: The Long Hard Chat

Click here for Check Your Privilege which leads to this.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna get my ass chewed out by a woman wearing primary colors. Ronica warned me that this chick might try this technique. Zazz, being such a huge fan of Aphrodite Malone whose name they made me say a hundred times to memorize, assured me that she would go on the offensive.

Plus one of her dumbass fans tweeted that she told them all not to mention this but they did and we knew what we were walking into.

“Its a pleasure to meet you” I tell this Malone. “I'm Johnny--

“I know who you are and I'm not gonna let you try and bullshit your way into my pants” she says.

“What in the--” Ronica begins.

“And you're nothing but an enabler” Aphrodite says.

“Wow” Zazz says.

“And you're the fat friend” she hisses at Zazz. No one calls my fat friend the fat friend except his hot friend. I'm just about to sonic scream this chick through a wall when Aimee sneezes. Its a fake sneeze. I look over at her and she uses her eyes to motion to Aphrodite's hand. This bitch is recording this. She's a sneaky snake!

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

No Time To Explain: Burger King Window Smashing

There is this weird thing called “common sense” which isn't as common as it should be considering its name. A bunch of employees who should be reevaluating their schooling got a prank call saying that pressure was building up inside of their Burger King location and the only way to relieve this pressure was to smash out all the windows. So they did it. This took place in Coon Rapids, Minneapolis. Yes, that is a real name of a place. Hate to know the history of how that place got its name.

Anyhoot, someone claimed to be with the fire department and told them that the building would blow up if they didn't release the pressure building inside. The store manager and employees rushed out and started going Hulk Smash on the place. I'd like to think at least one employee stopped and thought “Hey, what if we just leave the doors open?” Fuck that, right?! No time to explain! Start kicking windows open now!

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Texas Teacher Smacks Kid

I saw this story about a Texas teacher smacking the shit out of this kids head in class and thought “Oh, this is not the 80's and that won't fly anymore!” as well as “I bet this kid deserved it.” 63 year old teacher Mary Hastings ended up getting arrested after video footage showed her hitting a kid. 

The school district released a statement saying “The Beaumont Independent School District can confirm that an Ozen High School teacher was arrested today for physically assaulting a student. The conduct was substantiated by video footage viewed by BISD police and administration.”

In the video you see the teacher losing her shit on this kid. You can tell that this student had broken this woman. While hitting the kid she shouted “Because you’re stopping him from graduating, you idiot ass!” The kid asks her “Why'd you do that?” and Hastings mocks him seeming to lose her mind. Then the kid laughs at her, smiles at the camera, and goes back to using his own cell phone. The school also stated “The Beaumont Independent School District can confirm that an Ozen High School teacher was arrested today for physically assaulting a student. The conduct was substantiated by video footage viewed by BISD police and administration.”

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Bernie Sanders...Wizard?

There is magic in the world. “The test of a great and powerful nation is not how many wars it can engage in, but how it can resolve international conflicts in a peaceful manner. I will move away from a policy of unilateral military action and regime change, and toward a policy of emphasizing diplomacy, and ensuring the decision to go to war is a last I did on 1897.” 

Did Bernie Sanders just confirm what many have already believed? That he is indeed a wizard and/or immortal? Or is he beginning to lose his mind in his old age? A photo surfaced recently that may prove that Sanders has been around for hundreds if not thousands of years working behind the scenes. Though he claims to be 74 years old this newly revealed evidence proves that he may in fact be older than the nation itself. Some speculate that Sanders my indeed be a time traveler which is far more dangerous than a wizard according to most sources. 

With the recent information that his opponent Hillary Clinton may have a gang related past voters on the Democratic side are going to be forced with a hard decision come election time: Do you want a wizard to run your country or a known gang member? 

Saturday, April 9, 2016

While You Were Sleeping: Michael Slager Released

It is almost a year to the day I wrote about police officer Michael Slager shooting and killing 50 year old Walter Scott (click here to read it) after Scott slapped a Taser from Slager's hands and ran away. He was shot eight times and left to die on the ground as someone recorded the entire thing. I decided to see what has happened with this case since then. I assumed that Slager was sentenced or already just getting used to life inside of a cage for the rest of his life for murdering another human.

Turns out I was wrong.

He's been free on bond since January of this year. Slager was denied bond back in September but the judge changed his mind since the trial isn't set until October of this year because the state is busy planning the Dylann Roof trial. He's the kid that shot and killed nine people at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church. Slager will not be allowed to leave his home except for court visits, the doctor, church and to see his attorneys who argued that it would be wrong to keep him in jail any longer because the food contained gluten and affected his celiac disease.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Hillary Clinton's Gangsta Past Haunts Her

Hillary Clinton's past has recently come back to haunt her. Many are unaware that she once belong to and ran with rap group N.W.A. As former member of the influential rap group Ice Cube once said “I'll never have dinner with the President.” Many wondered why he was so upset. It turns out that he was hurt by Hilary and her comments regarding gangs.

In 1996 while giving a speech Hillary stated “We also have to have an organized effort against gangs, just as in a previous generation we had an organized effort against the mob. We need to take these people on. They are often connected to big drug cartels. They are not just gangs of kids anymore. They are often the kinds of kids that are called 'superpredators.'” She then added “No conscience, no empathy. We can talk about why they ended up that way, but first we have to bring them to heel. And the president has asked the FBI to launch a very concerted effort against gangs everywhere.”

Thursday, April 7, 2016

President Trump Plans To Build Wall Around Earth

President Trump held a press conference earlier today declaring that a wall would be placed in between planet Earth and Mars, further straining Earthling/Martian relations. Since his third reign as President of the United States Trump has slowly moved towards the plan of creating an even greater divide between humanity and Martians. In today's press conference he stated “When Mars sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're sending people that have lots of problems. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists.”

After the gasps settled he continued. “I will build a great wall and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me - and I'll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our solar border, and I will make Mars pay for that wall. Mark my words.”

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 3

In this episode I talk about a chick being slapped in the face with a stack of money as well as fight for the right for people to have sex with strangers when money changes hands. Click here for this and previous episodes.


Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Robot Catches People Having Sex

There was this story I saw about a prostitute named Amanda Zolicoffer who is 27 going on 53. She was caught by a camera drone fucking this older man in Oklahoma to which I say if you live in Oklahoma and are not getting some street strange that's on you. You're not living your life to its fullest potential. The old guy is 76 year old Douglas Blansett. My spell check hates both of these folks names. So Douglas was getting it in at the age of 76 with this...woman, and a goddamn robot filmed it, police got it, then the next thing you know both of them are in trouble and charged with public lewdness. Its bullshit.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

"God Created Chip" Part 2

“Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.'”

Adam scared every animal in the immediate vicinity with a screeching yell as he woke to find a very important part of his anatomy was...shortened. Adam rushed past Eve and headed into the forest screaming the entire time.

“God!” he shouted. Thunder. Lightning. Smoke. God.

“Is there something wrong?” He asked.

“You notice anything different?” Adam asked.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Kids These Days 64

I hope you parents out there have medical insurance because you are gonna come home to your dumb ass child laying on the floor holding their broken arm because they decided that life was a cartoon. There is a new “challenge” that kids have started called the Banana Peel Challenge. This kid named Jason Oakes started it for reasons. He filmed himself trying to fall while sliding on a banana, posted it on Twitter, and the next thing you know other kids are doing it.