Thursday, January 31, 2013

Dante Vs. Nature 22

Fucking monkeys. They’re the equivalent of humans in full Floridian mode. Like, if you decided that meds were for squares and the idea of flinging poo and beating the hell out of humans was cool you’d be a monkey. In India seven people got their shit wrecked by a group of monkeys. You know why? Because they made the mistake of thinking that they could be friends with them. You cant. Sorry. They are you on your worst day…and five times stronger.

"What you say 'bout my mama?"

This village in Toddang Pulu in Sidenreng Rappang, South Sulawesi got Rise Of The Planet of The Apes treatment and are being described as a “troop of wild monkeys” as if there’s a troop of civilized monkeys. Even the ones considered civilized will ripped your dick, jaw, and thumbs off if you forget to serve them wine with their lobster. They were said to have come out of the forest that was miles away. Could you imagine what that shit looked like? I can picture the Bane chant as these fuckers came charging out hungry for man meat.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Rosscast Episode 271: Dante Finally Loses It

In this episode I bitch about the homeless people on the bus at night, the hobos that occupy my neighborhood, a Bitches Be Crazy story that causes me to lose my mind for a minute or so, and a Only In Florida featuring the poster child for all Floridians. Click here to download this and past Rosscast Shows and here for iTunes. Enjoy!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Drinking Hulk Love

In an attempt to be more healthy I have started making smoothies at home. Cam gave me a blender that chops the bejeezus out of anything you put in it so I gave it a whirl a couple of days ago. If you wanna know how to make these properly I suggest you check out Cam’s blog by clicking right here. The one I made is still a work in progress since I’ve never done this before nor gave a shit about my health. I have dubbed it Hulk Jizz. It is big, green, and when you drink it you’ll feel like roaring with rage. “Why am I doing this to myself?!” I cried as it hit my tongue. Making this is fast and easy. I have to admit, watching vegetables blend and knowing that I'm the one that is gonna be consuming it does not excite me. Nor does knowing that it looks like I went down on She-Hulk and fell asleep down there. I am so sorry for putting that image in your head.

Take it all in!

I add a carrot, a giant handful of kale, a pear, and some orange juice. I had to use a little less pear the next time because it was super bulky when I tried it. It was more like trying to drink beach. The next one I made was better because I also removed the damned stem of the kale. Hey, I’ve never eaten this shit before! I don’t know what parts of vegetables are edible and which aren’t! In just the past few days I’ve felt better. My focus has been sharper, I’ve been moving faster, and not as hungry late at work. I’ve also been walking the past few Saturday mornings and doing random pushups at home and lifting weights. I’m gonna go from a 2 to a 4 in a few months!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Spank Bank's Fiscal Cliff

I have had people ask me what a Spank Bank is. Urban Dictionary describes it as A memorable collection of mental images that one wishes to retain for masturbational purposes.” That is the perfect definition. I have written about my own personal SB's in the past and they involved everything from musicians, actresses, to fictional characters. Unless we're related no one is safe from a Spank Bank.

No one.

The thing with Spank Banks is that it rotates. Not everyone stays in the bank forever. You can have an ex-girlfriend in there for a long time after you split and then she gets replaced by someone you saw walking down the street. Its that easy. Its usually filled with women you know you cant have. At least that's my experience with it. If you have known me for more than three minutes you know that I kinda have a thing for Rosario Dawson.

Kids These Days 14

With these Kids These Days blogs I tend to point out the silly shit that kids get into nowadays. This one is gonna be slightly different in that while it involves a kid, it also involves a mother. One of those chicks from that Teen Mom show named Farrah Abraham is getting a ton of shit for waxing her daughters eyebrows in the hopes of getting rid of a unibrow. Here's a quote from her Twitter.

So here I am faced with a standout historical moment in motherhood when I can confirm to myself that my little, adorable,most cuddle-able cutie, baby girl has a Unibrow :( , I felt bad for her, and I started asking friends…. is this hair just going to fall out… is it just hormones at this age?, well the hair didn’t go away and others started saying it was here to stay.”

People are saying that its mean for her to be waxing her daughters eyebrows. I say more power to her! I know that may sound weird coming from a guy but I'm also speaking as someone who wishes that my mother had jumped in regarding a hair issue I had at one point when I was little.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


"You are an explorer, and you represent our species, and the greatest good you can do is to bring back a new idea, because our world is endangered by the absence of good ideas. Our world is in crisis because of the absence of consciousness." - Terrence McKenna

They were so confident. Confident is perhaps the wrong word. Blind. For years man has occupied the red planet, Mars, comfortable in the belief that life existed nowhere but on their formerly beautiful blue planet, Earth. Years were spent gathering data. Water, air, and the ground itself examined. Surely Mars was once inhabitable but no signs of a past civilization existed. Man was too busy wondering when there was ever life there and not asking a far more important question: If there once was life what made them disappear?

Earthship Eden landed with the best of intentions. To start anew. For almost 200 years Earth was barely able to sustain the amount of life that occupied it. Pollution became the second leading cause of death after overpopulation. The seven continents gathered their most intellectual, bravest, and gung-ho citizens for what could have very well been a suicide mission.

But the mission was a success.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Rosscast Episode 270: Used Enemas

In this episode I talk about some honked up dreams I had as the result of Cocoa Pebbles, an follow up to a previous Only In Florida story about used enemas, Dude What The Fuck? about stolen sex toys, and a Listener Question about the weirdest porn I’ve watched. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast. Click here to subscribe to iTunes. Enjoy!

Friday, January 18, 2013

Dante Saves You: Viral Edition

It’s the time of the year when people start getting sick. Why? Because folks are nasty ass mofos that think that washing their hands after taking a piss or sneezing into their palm is optional. Guess what? Its not! Next thing you know your entire job and household has the Plague and it can be traced back to Harold in accounting who coughs into the microwave.

Its time to stop booty cooties and I am here to help you with this Viral Edition. There are lots of magical little viruses and they can do everything from making your nose run to being liquid out of every hole. A lot of this stuff is basic information but you know what people say about that: Some folks like their cucumbers pickled. What? Don’t try and figure it out. Let me save you!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Dante Fails At Pranks

I’m not much of a prankster. I like watching people get pranked but I don’t have the energy to sit around thinking of ways to poke fun at folks. Plus, I’m afraid of comeuppance. Or as we used to say back in the 60’s “Some get back!” We used to sit around and say things like “Man, I’m gon’ get me some get back!” which is a way of saying revenge. I don’t need that kinda stress in my life. All that being said, there were two times when I was little where I attempted to play a joke on my mother and failed.

Back in one of my early Kids These Days I mentioned how much money a quarter was to me when I was little. I was around 6 years old when I was out shopping and saw a whoopee cushion for a dollar. Farts are funny to me. Always have been always will be. What better gift to give myself than the gift of watching people fake fart? So I bought it and waited for my mother to sit down. I know that sounds easy but you have to realize that for someone to sit down they have to get up and my mother isn’t a very get-uppy person.

Dante Remembers The 1994 Northridge Earthquake

Today, almost twenty years ago today, the Northridge Earthquake occurred. Not only did it do billions in damage and almost kill sixty people, it totally ruined my day off. You see, on January 17th, 1994 it was Martin Luther King Day. You know him. He’s the guy that fought the zombies alongside George Washington and freed the slaves from the lizard people of Neptune. It was quite beautiful. I planned on staying in bed and playing Mortal Kombat all damned day long because fuck going outside. Apparently, nature had other plans.

Around 4:30 in the goddamn morning the earth started moving. Not in a sexy way either. I was laying in my bed probably dreaming about all the girls I’ll never have, kinda like I do now, when it felt like someone kicked my bed. Growing up in Los Angeles I’m used to earthquakes. My brothers used to shake my bed and scream “Earthquake!“ so often that when real ones happened I didn’t care. I was conditioned to not give a fuck. Until this point I’d experienced two that were huge but this one took the cake and refused to share it no matter how much you begged.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Rosscast Episode 269: Its Raining Skrippuhs

In this episode I talk about my random ass week, answer a Listener Question, a We Going To Hell about falling strippers, Kids These Days with stupid Facebook posts, and an Only In Florida involving a violent old lady and her brother. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast. And click here to subscribe on iTunes! Enjoy.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

"Sex & Violins"

She only wants to have sex to have babies. We have three kids now. I wish there was someone here to explain to me why I got into this relationship. I would ask a friend but she stopped me from talking to them saying they were "bad influences."

Before I dated her I had heard all about the shit she'd done with other guys and wanted to see for myself. But I got to her at the wrong time. I got her as she was recovering from being a sex addict. Now she doesn't give it up no matter what I say or do. I've tried flowers, gifts, a new car, and litigation. It felt like I was in court trying to plead my case as to why she should have sex with me.

"Its not that big a deal" I tell her.

"And that's exactly why we shouldn't keep bringing it up" she tells me. Lisa is cool and all but this sex thing is really putting a strain on our marriage.

"Table For One"

Standing in the men's room of a club he knows he's about five years too old to be in, Nicholas Solstice tries in vain to remove his wedding band. Soaping his hands in a generous amount of liquid soap he tugs at his finger and feels his ring slip slightly. He tries using his teeth forgetting the soap and gags.

"Must be some hot number" a stranger says to Nicholas as he passes on his way to the stalls. Nicholas ignores him and continues in vain to remove his ring.

"Come on" he mutters to himself as his finger pops from the effort being used. He sighs and observes his reflection in the mirror. His wife has been missing for six months. The police waited three weeks before finally giving up on the search for her. There's no Amber Alert for adults. When you go missing the closest thing you have are news reports squeezed in between stories of the next mating panda or some hot chick making another song about the presidential nominees. He spits into the sink and drags himself back into the club.

The loud, bass heavy music gives him a headache he knows he'll feel in the morning. The three vodka shots won't help either. Never one to imbibe in liquor except on special occasions, Nicholas has yet to master the art of being a good drinker. He stumbles back to the booth he believes to be his before looking to his left and seeing a very unfamiliar face.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Dante And The N-Word

“Who be ridin' up in the highrise elevator other tenants who be prayin' they ain't the new neighbor? Mr Nigga. Nigga nigga.” - Mos Def

My name is Dante and I don't use the n-word. Its been coming up a lot lately because of that terribly overrated ass film Django Unchained. Now, when I was little not that many people said the n-word. Only aggressive hobos, ignorant old Black men or that 'hood ass woman that was just mad at the world because she was a 32 year old grandmother. It wasn't peppered throughout my childhood. Maybe its a locational (not a real word) thing. I grew up in South Central Los Angeles and you'd think that I wouldn't have been able to step three feet without hearing it but I didn't.

Nowadays even little kids run around saying that shit. Its just a part of folks vocabulary. It just never caught on with me. When I hear people say it my brain skips. In songs I hear it all the time and there are only a few words that rhyme with it. Words like trigger, figure, and bigger. What's funny is when almost all rappers are asked who the best rapper alive is they say Eminem, a White rapper who I personally have never heard use the n-word.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Dante Vs. Nature 21

Damn you, nature! Most people don’t wanna mess around with wild animals. Sure, some of us want one as a pet but we know better than to actually own one. Sometimes animals want humans as pets and creep into their world and start wrecking their shit. Roger Mundell of Brookfield, Massachusetts was attacked by a punkass bobcat at home. Then it went outside and was like “Fuck guitar solos!” and bit his nephew as well. Not only that, but it had the rabies!

It wants to wear you like a hoodie.

Mundell, not one to let nature eff him in the A without getting his vengeance on ended up shooting and killing the beast because you know that thing would’ve come back for dessert. And by dessert I mean the women! That’s how nature works. Take out the men and children and the next thing you know they’re hearing the lamentations of our women. I’ve seen that documentary Conan The Barbarian. I know how it works.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Kids These Days 13

Bet you’re wondering why there’s an image of a delicious milkshake right there. Yeah. Looks really good, doesn’t it? Well, a couple of teenage girls in Rocklin, California are in trouble for drugging their parents by spiking their milkshake with sleeping pills. This is some shit straight out of Tiny Toons. ---

Now, you may also wonder why a couple of teens would slip prescription sleeping pills into their parents milkshakes. Well, they wanted to use the internet. That’s all. Apparently they have a ten o’clock curfew and after that the internet is turned off. They didn’t like it so they slipped them a mickey and got to use the internet. That is until the parents woke up feeling like shit and got a drug kit from the cops. They tested positive and went back to the cops. The teens, one of whom was theirs and the other her friend 15 and 16 respectively, were taken to juvenile hall and booked on “suspicion of conspiracy and willfully mingling a pharmaceutical with food.”

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Five Things I Learned In 2012

Its now 2013 and you either woke up hungover, still drunk, regretful, or full of hope for this new year. Me, I was ironing my friends clothes and watching Dusk Til’ Dawn while listening to the drunks at the gay bar scream their heads off. Still, I wouldn’t have traded it in for anything else…except for boning or something. But that’s a given.

Each New Year’s for the past few years I have told myself that I will not make resolutions. I stopped making them up because shit either needs to get done or it doesn’t and I don’t wanna wait until I need a new calendar year to do it. Last year I surpassed a few things on my list of things that needed to be done such as grow an afro, lose weight, stay away from my family, and be more creative with my writing and learning new shit. I decided to write down Five Things I Learned In 2012 mostly because if I am alive next year this will be interesting to read and hopefully you random ass folks will like it too.