Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Rosscast Episode 108: A Year Of Fail!

This is the end of this stank ass year and I made sure to give you a little bit extra Dante! In this I answer some listener questions, talk about the best and worst movies, music, moments, and surprises of the year. Click here to download this and older Rosscast shows. Enjoy and thank you all for making this year and my show so damn fun to do!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Rosscast Episode 107: The Whirling Dervish

In this episode I talk about that guy from Jon and Kate getting robbed, a new segment "Accidental Hero of the Week", how to survive the 99 Cent Store, things I cant stand, how to handle terrorists, and why adults aren't as smart as I assumed they'd be when i got older. Click here to download this and older Rosscast shows and his name to check out Josh Smith. He's cool. Seriously. Enjoy!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Advertising Fail!

For those of you that have been in your snug little Fortress of Solitude, Brittany Murphy died a few days ago. They are saying she had an assload of different medicines in her home for all kinds of conditions. I remember her from “Sin City” and “Clueless.” Man, that Stacy Dash was hot as hell in “Clueless.” Yeah, so was Brittany Murphy because it was when she still had some weight on her. That’s not what this blog is about though.

She has a bunch of films that are supposed to be coming out. This one called “Deadline” is about her researching what happened to some folks that died in a house a while back. Yeah, I know. Not very original. It reminds me of when “Street Fighter”, one of the worst films ever made, was Raul Julia’s last picture. With Heath Ledger he had that awesome ass role as The Joker to solidify his legacy.

Brittany has a poster with her looking dead in a bathtub.

She died in the shower. This isn’t even ironic. Its kinda fucked up. They of course will be changing the poster after what happened to her. But, damn. Talk about bad timing.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Rosscast Episode 106: Fucking Jury Duty!

In this episode I talk about healthcare, Balloon Boy and his dumb ass parents, meditation, 8th graders getting blowjobs in class, "The Parent of the Week!", dating, and my social retardation. Click here to download this and older shows. Enjoy!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Roscast Episode 105: You Don't Want The Super Beast!


In this episode that was started at night and ending a few minutes ago I answer some listener questions, talk about cops pulling guns during snowball fights, EMT's doing the opposite of what they should, cheap parents, cell phone etiquette, "Avater", and Alice the Goon. Click here to download this and older Rosscast. Remember to spread the word about the show to your friends. Enjoy!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Rosscast Episode 104: So That Just Happened...


In this episode I talk about the crazy ass lady on the bus (and even play some bad audio from it!), Brittany Murphy dying all of a sudden, and I answer a few listener questions. Click here to download this and older Rosscast. Enjoy!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Rosscast Episode 103: Bitch Box


In this slapped together episode I talk aut controversy in music, weed, bad teachers, yes no's and maybe's, and "Avatar." Click here to download this and older Rosscast episodes. Enjoy!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Video Blog 1: "False Outrage"

This is me babbling in video form instead of my Rosscast. Consider this a special feature. I talk about the outrage over Jay-Z's "New York State of Mind" song and facebook nonsense.

Rosscast Episode 102: He Done Lost It...


In this episode I once again answer a few listener questions, talk about liking yourself, brownies, get a case of the giggle fits, and my day lastnight. Remember to download this and older Rosscast episodes by clicking here. Oh, and here's my twitter! Enjoy!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

"Doom Mates" Episode 20: "Death Is Dead"

Rosscast Episode 101: Team Ross


In this all over the damn place episode I talk about the other Dante Ross (he‘s way more popular than me), swine flu, Tiger Woods quitting vagina and golf, Chris Brown leaving twitter, kids smoking more weed than cigarettes, turning down sex, The Princess and The Frog and how Black folk ain’t happen with shit, and Miley Cyrus. Click here to download this and older Rosscast. Enjoy!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Rosscast Episode 100: It's Always The Quiet Ones...

Holy shit! Did I really just record my 100th episode of The Rosscast?! Yes, I did!In this episode I answer a ton of listener questions, talk about trying to date like a normal person, sex, what porn I like, and a ton of other shit. I seriously cant name it all here. Thanks to everyone that has listened or spread the word about my Rosscast! Click here to download this and older shows. Enjoy!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Rosscast Episode 99: Wanna Sit On My Lap?


In this episode I talk about Christmas gifts from my childhood good & bad, Tiger Woods' penis adventures, lotion, babies eating mushrooms, The Worst Parent Of The Week, sucking dick to save the world, and Sega. Yeah. All over the place. Click here to download this and older Rosscast episodes. Remember to tell a friend! Enjoy!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Rosscast Episode 98: Will You Take THIS Man...?


Yes, I have returned like that flaming herpes you lied to your wife about. That's not a cold sore, buddy. In this episode I talk about Tiger Woods for a moment, elaborate proposals, Uhhyeahdude, scheduled sex, booty calls, fuck buddies, my drinking habits, and El Nino. Click here to download this and older Rosscast episodes. Enjoy!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Rosscast Episode 97: Blacker Than Black


In this episode I talk about what I like in women, what its like to me Black and Dante, I explain what I liked about "Twilight", do some random voices, and the pros and cons of being Negrolicious. Click here to download this and older Rosscast episodes. Enjoy!

"Lost" Bears With Sparklers

My friend and personal reperation payment Alex Hluch and his boys got together and formed Bears With Sparklers. They make me laugh hence I let them live. Check this video out and more here.

Little Paw Home Sites

A homeslice of mine from school has a sketch crew called Static. Check this video out and more at Hey, it made me laugh my ass off. Then I dusted I off and out it back on.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Rosscast Episode 96: Secret Shame


Damn site I normally upload shows for download is currently down so those with Firefox will have to work around this issue for now to listen to this episode. I talk about Tiger Woods and his dumb phone call, mistresses not knowing their role, "Twilight", and how I don't talk about my feelings. I will fix the download issue as soon as possible. If you want you can listen to this and even older episodes here. Okay. Old player working. Click here for download. Enjoy!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Rosscast Episode 95: "That's A Lot Of Sperm..."


In this smooth episode I talk about Tiger Woods, Hulk Hogan getting married again, that couple that snuck into the White House, certain things I would love to say seriously, and strange rumors. Click here to download this and older Rosscast shows. Enjoy!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Monday, November 30, 2009

Rosscast Episode 94: Havin' Some Booty!


In this all over the place episode of The Rosscast I talk about Kirk Cameron and his views on evolution, Nick Hogan crashing into shit, why I don't want to ever go to prison, short stories on trips I have been on, Tiger Woods also crashing into shit, and red headed folks getting their asses kicked. Click here to download this and older Rosscast show. Enjoy!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Rosscast Episode 93: Thanksgiving Special Championship Edition!


In this Thanksgiving episode I talk about my awesome Thanksgiving meal, fried turkey, burnt over mitts, a guy that was in a coma but could hear everything, Chris Brown and Rihanna, Wendy Williams, and some random K-Fed story from a few years back. Click here to download this and older Rosscast's. Enjoy!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Celebrity Spank Bank 2

Oh, I’m a terrible person. Last time I did my spank bank article I totally left some women out. Now in all fairness, I broke it down into races and stuff and some ladies were gonna get left off. This is my chance to make up for that. And I shall in true perverse fashion by presenting my Celebrity Spank Bank Part 2!

Fairuza Balk

This chick is crazy looking but very hot to me. When she was little she played Dorothy in “Return To Oz.” The last films I saw her in were “The Waterboy” with Adam Sandler and “The Craft.” She was in “American History X” but I haven’t seen that. What makes her hot? Her lips.

Rachel True

It is with a heavy heart that I have to admit that not only have I met (seen) her in person but she was not hot at all. She looked so damned different in person. She wasn’t even cute. I place her here because she was hot in “The Craft” and “Half Baked.” Such a shame really.

Shannyn Sossamon

I first saw Shannyn in “Rules Of Attraction” and thought she was hot in such a strange way. She doesn’t have a body I like totally or a style. But there is something about her that just makes me really like her. Her voice is cool. Yeah, that’s it. I like her voice. Insert sarcastic laughter.

Alicia Keys

Do I really need to explain? Can you not see the picture?!

Britney Spears (old)

Just like the Old Lindsey Lohan, I had to be specific and use the term old for this one. Britney is not the hotness now. This picture is hot and shows when she had a cute rump. Now? Not so much. I believe this picture was taken pre-crazy. Everything is better when its pre-crazy.

Cameron Diaz

Yeah, she is hot. Funny as well. She looked her best in “The Mask” where she was about 20lbs. heavier but she is still hot. Some people are annoyed by her. I call those people jealous. So there.

Drew Barrymore

Damn her. Sometimes she is so cute you want to put her in your pocket and others you’re like “What happened?!” And this happens weekly! Sometimes she is hot and sometimes she scares me. I still like her and will add her to this list because more often than not she is cute.

Gina Carano

She is a mixed martial artist and will beat your ass. She was on American Gladiators for a while (not sure if that show is still on the air or not). Check her out sometime. You will be impressed.

Janet Jackson

Been hot for decades. Just saw her on the AMA’s and wasn’t all that happy but still, when she needs to bring that sexiness back she will. Never sleep on Janet. She will hurt you.

Leila Ali

Had a crush on her for friggin’ years! Like Carano, she could beat your ass and take your money while looking good the entire damn time. Man, she is hot. Leave me alone.

Zoe Isabella Kravitz

Sound familiar? It’s Lisa Bonet’s daughter! She grew up hot and apparently is talented. I couldn’t tell you. But I do know that she is silly ass cute and it makes me smile. Her mama's hot too.

Jennifer Lopez

Hey, remember when every woman wanted to look like her? Not so much anymore. She fell on her ass last night at the AMA’s (not much of an ass anymore) but still looked kinda hot. I found an old picture of her but wont call her Old Jennifer Lopez because she hasn’t done anything crazy. Besides marry Marc Anthony. And date Diddy. Yeah, that was a bad idea, huh?

Anna Paquin

She has gotten hotter the older she gets. If you watch “Trueblood” you can see her do a batter southern accent better than the one she did in “X Men” and be in better shape. Guess when she played Rogue she didn’t give a damn.

Fucking Skinny Jeans!

It seems to be getting worse and worse. This damn affliction that is affect the world. Skinny jeans. In the above picture this is a good example of skinny jeans being used in the proper way: on a woman. Check that out. A nice little ass. Good stomach. A little thin for my tastes but I’m a mutant and like women to be close to 200lbs. Her jeans are tight but not true skinny jeans. That’s how much I cant stand them.

Chicks have been wearing skinny jeans for years now. Back in the 80’s there was almost nothing but skinny jeans but they were called just pants. Everyone wore tight pants. Matter of fact, if you wore baggy pants or oversized ones people made fun of you. “You wearing your daddy’s pants!” Then as the 90’s neared and began big ass pants became the rage. This was a good thing. It went well with the dances that were coming out and they made cool (at the time) looking shit. Chicks have always been able to wear tight pants, even ones with no ass. Tight jeans look good and even hold in stuff on big girls.

Now to the fellas.


Jesus H. Christ. Please stop it. You don’t look cool. I don’t know why this shit is spreading faster than AIDS in a gay African prison but it is. Guys are looking so silly in this shit. Did I wear tight pants growing up? Yes. But I never had them sag. I never wore them with giant ass shoes and floppy hair. I mean, come on! Stop! You’re gonna look back at the pictures you take now and just be thoroughly ashamed.

Seeing a couple together with skinny jeans upsets me. You just know that they’re wearing each others draws as well.

Rosscast Episode 92: All Over The Place!


In this long awaited (ha!) episode I talk about cops throwing folks through windows, women getting their men beaten up, when not to ask about past relationships, the AMA's, being out of touch with music, disliking Lady Gaga, that damned "Twilight" movie, and showing off for a girl when I was little. Click here for this and older Rosscast's for download. Enjoy!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

"Doom Mates" Episode 16: "House Full Of Suck"

Rosscast Meets Tha O Show!

So lastnight I got to speak on Tha O Show during Tha Round Table. Very fun! Here's my segment and I hope you all enjoy it. Thanks to Big Daddy Donnie and Dan-e-o fo inviting me. If you've never heard Tha O SHow this is just a taste of its Oliciousness!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Rosscast Episode 91: Halle Barry Skin


In an episode where I was supposed to just talk about me as a kid I got on the topic of salad tossing, dating, annoying afflictions, celebrity sex tapes, why I'm not gay, mind bullets, wet dreams, and answered some listener questions. Click here to download this and older shows. Enjoy!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Rosscast Episode 90: Anti-Everything!

PhotobucketIn this episode I talk about random vampire movies and why "Twilight" blows, why I will never go to a strip club, booty cooties, bacon, my sleep pattern and if its killing me, and going out to eat yesterday. Click here for this and older Rosscast's for download. Enjoy!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Rosscas Episode 89: Zombies Hunter Extreme!!!


In this episode I talk about monkeys destroying people's faces and what should be done about it, fighting zombies, I answer a few listener questions, and why I will never take a dump in your home. Remember to click here to download this and older Rosscast's.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Rosscast Episode 88: Dangerous Ass Sex


In this episode I talk about strange sex. People using things to get themselves off (dental floss?!), people getting hurt during sex, bad sex, guys with two wangs, Miss California and her lesbian mama, and even some advice for the fellas. Remember to click here to download this and older episodes of The Rosscast. Enjoy!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Thoughts On Heaven & Hell Part 3

What is the point of me writing all this stuff? Seriously, its just to get my damn head clear and explain to people how I see this stuff. One thing I am very curious about is what would change about my friendships if I decided to not get saved. My relationship, I know would be altered completely. But my friends? They aren’t going anywhere. And if they did I would question how much of a friend I was to them in the first place.

To not talk to Dante, me, because I’m not saved? That’s such an odd thought for me to ponder. What would change about me if I were saved? What would I still be allowed to do? I write some really strange shit. Like, vampires, hit men, killers, and all kinds of stuff. Would that be okay still? Would saved Dante be allowed to write such things in good conscious? How about my Living Room Wrestling stuff? My movies? Hell, my Rosscast! Would I be able to talk about the stuff I do?!

This isn’t a list of things I would be forbidden to do but as a true ass Christian would it be cool in God’s eyes for me to do some of the stuff I do? I try and look at life like going to the post office or DMV. We all are in this crappy situation; let’s try and enjoy it or just get through it without hurting one another. I haven’t killed anyone. No raping going on. No drug using. I stay out of trouble, don’t you agree? This is for my friends and family that may read this.

What kinda man do you think Dante Ross is?

And for listeners of my Rosscast, from my shows what do you think of me? Do I come across as someone that would be sent to Hell? There is no wrong answer. Don’t worry about offending me. I know what I believe and what I believe is this:

I have tried my best to be a good man. Not a good Christian, Muslim, or whatever man. Just a regular ass good man. I wont screw you over and if you’re a good friend to me I will be a good friend to you. I wont bring drama into your life and will help you I any way I can. If you need me to talk, write, draw, or just help you out with stuff, just ask me and I will try my best to do a good job.

There are some people I have known half my life or more who believe I am good. There are people that I only speak to on facebook that think I’m funny. I just try to be okay. That’s all I ask of myself. To be good to folks out there and hope they do the same or close to it. I don’t wanna change any of my friends. Believe in what you wanna believe. Worship who you want or don’t. Pray to whoever you’re comfortable with praying to. I wont like you any more or any less because of who you chose.

I accept all of you and any of the bad that comes with you. Some of you have been beaten, abused, raped, and generally treated like shit. Some of you have led a life where you’ve never had to ball your fists and defend yourself. Some of you grew up with a family that loved and supported you no matter what. Some have families that disowned them for various reasons. Some of you are happy with how often we talk or hang out and wouldn’t change a thing about it. Some of you would. Either way I either like or love you and that’s why you’re in my life.

I have tried to surround myself with people that like me because I am me. There’s no bullshit going on. I will say what’s on my mind (not all of it because some things are better left unsaid). My friends don’t want anything more for me than for me to be happy and successful. That’s it.

Do they want me to go to Hell? I hope not and I don’t think so. Plus, I don’t think there’s a circle of Hell that could contain me. Yes, I’m that stubborn. I have been heading through my life wondering about God, even when I hated the fact that there might be one that was just ignoring all the suffering in the world. This isn’t new. This is just the first time I have spent an amount of time discussing it with the rest of you in this manner. I hope you all can discuss this with either me or your friends.


Thoughts On Heaven & Hell Part 2

I have always asked why God didn’t do more in our lives. There are people that look at the sun in the morning and thank God for a new day to live. Then they turn around and get pissed at all the stuff they have to do for the rest of the day. Sometimes it seems to me that belief is very fleeting or something clung to at times of extreme grief or extreme joy. Why isn’t God always on our minds?

This is how I view God right now. Yes, I believe that there is a God. But I believe that God has let His children run wild for too long. We’re God’s latchkey kids. We were created, He sent his kid down to die for all or jacked up ass mistakes that we have made and will make, and then…nothing. We’re left to believe that one day our dad is coming home but so far we’ve been allowed to do what we want. Some of us choose to do bad and some don’t.

We have a group of kids saying “Ooh, wait till daddy gets home!” Another group saying “Daddy ain’t ever coming home, I can do what I want!” And another saying “Daddy never existed. Oh well.” I’m more in the group of “If daddy existed he would do something about this.” Essentially the house is on fire and daddy doesn’t seem to notice. The fire alarm is going off, everyone is trying to run out the house but the windows are shut and the doors are bolted, yet daddy is sleeping.

What will it take for God to finally show up if He ever will? Millions being slaughtered by madmen? Millions being raped? Death camps? People, all human, being killed and harassed because their skin, their fucking skin, is a different color? People persecuted because they are gay? Don’t even get me started on the gay topic. Gotta love how people say God doesn’t make mistakes…except when it comes to the queers. All this occurs daily yet God remains silent.

I keep using my late brother Kevin as an example of God making a mistake. Everyone knows I love my brother. One of the coolest guys I have ever met. Died of a heart attack at 32. Why? Was it because God had different plans? God wanted him? Fuck that. I want my brother. God has millions of people that are willing to die this instant to be with Him. Why take one of the few people on this Godforsaken planet from me? Yes, I am aware of how selfish this sounds. But whenever I look outside and see the same crack heads, same bums, same assholes, same useless as people who are still allowed to walk the planet I get mad. Pedophiles, criminals, crooks, rapists, murderers. Still allowed to walk around freely. Oh, but don’t worry. One day they will be judged.

Fuck that.

I want judgment now. I want to see these people pay for their crimes. Even those that do crime and wrong in God’s name. Punishment now, not after they have enjoyed a long life of wrongness. Where is God to take care of these people? I want a more proactive God in the world. I want wrong handled quickly and effectively. I want God to be like, “Did you just try and rape that child?!” Zap! Why isn’t this happening? We shouldn’t have to suffer through so much bad to get somewhere good. I don’t have to get an arm cut off to appreciate the fact I have two of them. I don’t have to suffer to enjoy the good things in life.

I want to know where God is. Some people die cursing God. Some don’t. If I die without getting saved what will happen to me? Will I burn in Hell? Will I get into Heaven because I haven’t dicked anyone over? Or will I wander through some kinda oblivion where there’s no up, down, left, or right? Or will there just be complete nothing that I wont even experience because there really is nothing after you die?

Thoughts On Heaven & Hell Part 1

“A place where people realize what they’ve done to others; where they face every detail of it, and the realize every particle of it, so they would never, never do the same thing again; a place where souls are reformed, literally by knowledge of what they’ve done wrong and how they could have avoided it, and what they should have done…when they can forgive not only God for this big mess, but themselves for their own failures, their own horrible angry reactions, their own spite and meanness, when they love everyone totally in complete forgiveness, then they would be worthy of Heaven. Hell would have to be where they see the consequences of their actions, but with a full merciful comprehension of how little they themselves knew.” - Lestat “Memnoch the Devil

Is it wrong that the closest view religiously as to how I believe Hell should be run comes from who can be called a Pagan female author of erotic vampire tales feminine vampire character? Perhaps. But that sentence fits so perfectly for me in what I feel Hell should be like. Imagine a spiritual rehab.

I have been having quite a bit of religious conversations lately. One topic was whether or not someone that was saved should marry someone that wasn’t. I say that they should. I have spoken to people that are atheist, agnostic, Christian, and Catholic about this. I have gotten many different responses such as, “Yeah, as long as they love each other that’s all that should matter.” “No, they shouldn’t because there could be problems down the road.” “It don’t matter what two people are.”

I really do believe that it doesn’t matter what religion people follow as long as they’re good people. I don’t believe that being saved makes you a good person. I don’t believe that falling to your knees and praising God and Jesus will make you a better person. I don’t believe that every person that believes in God really believes in God. Growing up I wasn’t in church every single Sunday. I hated going to church because it meant I would miss cartoons all morning. I went a few times with friends. I went with an ex. I go with my girlfriend. I have told everyone that there is no vagina on Earth powerful enough to make me switch or join a religion. Joining or saying you believe when you really don't seems to be the fastest way to get sent to Hell (if you believe in it).

A huge misconception is that people who believe in Heaven and Hell think that people who don’t are animals or something. I discussed this on episode 51 of my Rosscast with Kiyoshi. As if you have no moral if you don’t believe in God or the Devil. This isn’t true. As someone that was an atheist, agnostic, and what I call a studying Christian, I can say that even when I was convinced there was no higher power that I still knew right from wrong. I knew what felt bad so I would try not to do that to others. I’ve never needed a bible or a belief to tell me what is right from wrong. Right and wrong existed before Jesus walked the Earth and will likely still exist if He ever decides to show up again (don’t know if you’ve ever read Revelations but when He shows up apparently the entire planet goes tits up).

One problem I have and have always had with God and the belief in Him is the lack of questioning. In the book I quoted at the beginning “Memnoch the Devil” Memnoch is Satan (which translates to The Accuser) questions God creating the Earth and humans and then pretty much abandoning us.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Celebrity Spank Bank

Yeah, It’s my blog and I can pretty much write whatever I want. Isn’t that cool? Start you own blog and talk on my own show The Rosscast, make whatever silly ass movies I want, and write nonsense for you all to read. Now this list is based on the women I find attractive that are famous of kinda famous. I’ve done a list like this before (click here to read) but this is more thorough and broken down by race. For anyone wondering if you add up to these women in my eyes, don’t fret. I’m just some random Negro, remember?


Serena Williams.
I remember when she first showed up after her sister and she wasn’t all that cute back then. Now? She is the hotness. Not a typical kinda hot. She’s muscular, can shout her ass off, and seems half crazy at times. But still, I’m not ever gonna date or meet Serena Williams. I just like to look at her. Nice things are put on the planet for us to look at, right? Ignore the old man in the picture unless that's what you're into.

Halle Barry.
She will be hot when she is 90. Good genes and all that crap. I’m not a huge fan of her acting by any means (“Make me feel gooooood!!!”). But as you will see, skill means nothing on this list. Just the good looks and whether or not they make me smile. Her topless scene in “Swordfish” made me smile. Twice.

Pam Grier.
Poor Pam. She used to be so damn hot. This picture is from like 30 years ago. She used to run around topless in films and had that bad ass 70’s attitude that was all the rage. When she had her hair permed she was hot. When it was a big ass afro she was hot. It didn’t matter. This image of her is burned in thousands of men’s minds for a reason.

Nia Long.
She came onto my radar when she was in “Friday.” Everyone knows the scene where Smokie and Craig are sitting in front f the house and she runs by in slow motion. I think that scene put a hair on my chest. I lie. I’m like a friggin’ naked mole rat. She has kept a low profile but no matter what she pops up in she looks hot. One of those women that even when they play a crackhead you still go “I’d hit it.”

Angela Bassett.
The definition of a classy ass woman. Her attitude is what some classless ass women need to try and get. She looks like the type of woman that wont take any shit from you and she looks so nice that you wouldn’t try. Another that will be hot when I am 50.

Who Knows?

Rosario Dawson.
I cant quit this fucking woman. Even when she was banging He-Man I still liked her. I’ve liked her since I was 14 or something. Plus she is funny as hell and writes comic books. Seriously, who are you to not like her?! And she went topless in that horrible movie “Alexander.” Look it up. It’ll make you smile for a few minutes. Maybe even more.

Adriana Sage.
Time to get horrible. This chick is a (gasp!) porn star. She was the first porn star where I thought “She looks for serious hot.” She wasn’t the typical trashy looking porn star. And she looked like she could walk down the street and not get harassed. Don’t look her up unless you want to be horrified by what you see. She’s a dirty birdie.

This is the most iffy on my list. Some people say she looks like a dude. This is my list and I don’t give a damn. She looks like a snake but one I like. No, not a “V” snake. Just a skinny ass chick that appears to not give a fuck about what you think. That’s hot.

Mila Kunis.
This is the chick from “That 70’s Show” and “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” She lives nearby and she went to the same high school as me. No, I have never met her but I have seen her boyfriend, crazy ass Culkin at Gelson’s. So you know she has issues. She gets cuter every year so by 2015 she will just turn into a Hello Kitty doll and finish her evolution. But I would suggest not staring into her eyes.

Amber Rose.
Ah, the infamy. This is Kanye’s chick that dates women as well. People just call her White but she’s actually some South American/Italian. Whatever she’s mixed with it produced this chick with a giant ass and a pretty ass mouth. Plus she smokes and for some reason I always like when women smokes. I’ll explain some other time. Oh, and she shaves her head which is something I wish every woman on the planet would do!


Jenna Von Oy.
Know her? Remember that show “Blossom”? Yeah, this is her fast talking annoying friend named Six. I had a huge crush on her back in the day and one day saw her in a Black Men’s magazine and was like “Yowzah bowzah!” She’s small enough to fit in your pocket, makes music I’d never purchase, and has legs that women are right now sweating and crying to get. Bowchickawowwow.

Trish Stratus.
Former WWE Women’s Champion and yoga nut Trish has been hot for a long ass time now. I remember when she first showed up on TV and couldn’t wrestle a damn but got to the point where she was the best in the world. She’s broken bones, her nose, but still managed to stay hot. Look her up. You’ll be impressed by her skills.

Stacy Kiebler.
This chick flies in the face of all I find the hotness. She weighs as much as one of my legs and is almost too cute, if that makes any sense. But she has 40-something inch legs and used to wrestle so that combo alone makes her worth checking out. She has an odd taste in men which would give me hope in Bizarro World except none of the guys she dates looks like Dante. Whah whah whaaaaaaaah…

Linda Carter.
Motherfucking Wonder Woman! Had a crush on her since I was a kid. She is hot right now! As I sit here and she’s old enough to be my grandma Linda Carter is hot. Just a natural ass beauty. I have seen pictures of her just out the house and she manages to carry an air of “Yeah, I make this look easy, don’t I?” Yes, she does.

Jessica Biel.
Not a fan at all of her work. This is probably the most sexist woman I have on my list because I like nothing about her except how she looks. This is pure, 100% eye candy for me. Do I wanna meet her? Nope. Sex? Nope. Just stare at a picture and grin like a retard. That’s it. And then I move on.


Selma Hayek.
Look at that picture and tell me why she shouldn’t be on this list. I first saw her in “Dusk Til Dawn” years ago when she did the snake dance. That was too hot for words. She has managed to get hotter and even though she had a kid she didn’t go “Fuck it, I don’t need to look hot anymore.” This is damn near close to being a perfect woman. Her voice bugs me.

Like Jessica Biel, another one where I like nothing but how she looks…in pictures. Seeing her move creeps me the fuck out. She looks like the little girl in “Exorcist” doing that spider walk when she dances. Great body but I’m sure if I saw her in real life I would be amazed at how tiny she is. Plus her voice could slice through glass.

Michelle Rodriguez.
Man, oh, man. Now this psycho ass woman is hot. Even when she smiles she looks mad. I would never want to meet her though. She just looks way hot and that’s why she’s on this list. Not the best actress in the world but what does that matter anymore? It’d be hard to find a chick with better lips than her.

Eva Mendes.
Remember her in “Training Day”? Full frontal. That’s all I’m saying.

America Ferrera.
Hot chick from “Ugly Betty.” I am fully aware that the previous sentence makes no sense. I liked her a few years ago and decided to see what she was up to and was surprised at how cute she got. She is growing up to look rather womanly. Yes, spell check has let me know that womanly is indeed a real word!

Eastern (or whatever)

Michelle Yeoh.
Saw her years ago when I was little in this crazy kung fu flick where she was whipping ass. You all may know her from “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.” This is a regular ass pretty lady. You wouldn’t wanna give her a bone or nothing but you can appreciate her pretty.

Zhang Ziyi.
Another one from “Crouching Tiger…” that is just too cute for words. She was in “Rush Hour 2” as well looking like a damned doll that you wanna put in your pocket. Yes, I wanna put tiny people in my pocket. Don’t judge me.

Kelly Hu.
Even more eye candy! Seen her in a few cheesy ass movies where she was just there to look pretty. She was in “X-Men 2” as Lady Deathstrike. Hot for no good reason, really. I’ll just assume she’s mean as hell because she’s so hot.

Kristen Kreuk.
She plays Lana Lang in “Smallville” and ruined the Street Fighter franchise further. Just a cute little thing with no acting ability. Yeah, she’s from Canada but she has Asian stuff in her blood so she makes this section of my list.

Shohreh Aghdashloo.
This old lady is smoking hot! I don’t care what anyone thinks. Her voice is like satin and her skin is like a vampire its so smooth. She always plays someone that’s really quiet. I’d love to hear her yell just once. It’d probably make me like her even more.

Honorable Mentions

Keisha Knight Pulliam.
Rudy from “The Cosby Show.” You cant tell me she didn’t grow up hot. Playing hookers and such and there’s talk she will be posing in Playboy soon. Childhood Dante and grown ass Dante are very happy about this. Aren’t you?

And here’s another shot for the hell of it.

Raven Symone.
Now this one was out of left field! I thought this girl would grow up all funny looking and weighing 300lbs. But she grew up cute and normal which took me by surprise. Even if you hate her music (I do) and her show (which I like for no damn good reason) you have to admit Raven is hot now.

Old Lindsey Lohan.
Yes, I mean old Lindsey Lohan. That fucking tragic mess we all see on TV acting crazy, crashing cars and blaming Black dudes that don’t exist, and crying into her daddy’s phone is not how I think of her. I remember the red headed fine ass chick that made movies I will never see. I don’t think I have ever seen a movie with her in it. Fire crotch and all, the old Lindsey Lohan is hot. So sad…