Thursday, February 28, 2013

Kids These Days 16

Enough is enough! There is this story in the new about a 6 year old boy whose family has filed a complaint against the school saying that they are violating his civil rights to come to school dressed as a girl and using the restrooms. Now, I am all for letting people have the right to live as a man, woman, or something in between. But not a child. Nope. Not for one second would I let my daughter have to worry about a boy dressed as a girl use the restroom with them no matter how much he loves being a girl.

The boy, Coy Mathis, parents who need to be punched in their mouths, says that Coy “was labeled male at birth, but has always known that she is a girl, and has expressed that since she was 18 months old.” Seriously? At 18 months old this kid knew that he had retired from the penis having business? You know what I was doing at 18 months? Being something above an infant but below a toddler! Plus, as we all know kids don't have rights. I mean, they do, but not like real people rights. 

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

"Sólo Me Empuje"

"Sólo me empuje."

That's all she kept saying to me as she stood at the edge of the building. Sadly, I don't speak Spanish. Yes, I have lived in Los Angeles my entire life and Spanish is spoken here more than English but I've never bothered to learn it. I slept through Spanish classes only picking up bits and pieces. I can tell you that I don't want to wash dishes and what time it is but that's it. This woman looked terrified and I couldn't figure out what she needed me to do. I took a step towards her and she began to shake. I took a step back and she began to cry. I didn't know what to do.

You ever hear someone cry for help in the middle of the night and do nothing? I do. I'm the kinda guy that closes my window. I hear a neighbor beating on his wife and put the pillow over my head until its quiet. I hear a scream in the middle of the night and instead of calling the police I turn my TV up. But tonight was different. Tonight I responded to the scream.

Dante Vs. Nature 23

I hate ants. I know that people say that hate is a strong word and shouldn’t be used a lot but fuck that I hate ants. I don’t have a fear of them. No insect scares me like “Ah, spiders!” I’ve killed plenty of spiders for ex girlfriends along with hopes of marriage and children. Ants are dicks. They ruin picnics and send spies to search for shit. You see one ant in your house know that there are thousands waiting for a progress report from him. “Oh, this fool got sugar all over the counter!” Once when I was little I was swarmed by a bunch of these little dicks.

I was standing in the backyard and looked down and there was one on my leg. I thumped it off and stood there. I don’t even remember what the hell I was doing in the backyard. Maybe staring at the sun. Next thing I know I feel another one and go to swat it into oblivion when I see hundreds of them all over my pants. I ran into the house and jumped into the shower with my clothes on. I had the heebie jeebies for the rest of the day. Everything that lightly touched me became an ant. Then there’s red ants. Fuck those, too.

Monday, February 25, 2013

"Raw Dogs" Part 1


It was an unnatural heat. The kind that was not born in nature but of man's mind. Much like air conditioning. I have traveled all across the globe and have yet to meet conditions that felt like central air. This heat I have felt once before. But that was decades ago. A lifetime ago.

Two names ago.

My captures assure me that any questions I have will be answered in time. Time. Funny thing about time is that there's never enough of it when you need it and too much when you don't want it. Right now it feels like I'll have a lot of time on my hands. I might as well start at the beginning. Maybe it'll explain how I got here in this sweat box. I was born Marvin Hindels. By the time I joined the Marines at 18 I had changed my name to Richard Maverick. Don't make fun of it. That name was amazing.

I'm sure you're wondering about my childhood and teen years. Nothing extraordinary. I grew up with two older brothers and one younger sister. My parents stayed together until the old man died in a car accident. Mom died three years later from cancer. By the time they died I was being sent around the world to kill people in places I had never heard of. 

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Dante And His OCD

Years ago I had multiple OCD’s. Now, I know there are some people reading this and saying “You cant leave the house with your clothes not ironed! That’s an OCD. Ha!” Shut it. If my house was on fire and I had wrinkled jeans on I wouldn’t stop to grab some that were ironed. Years ago when there was a gas leak on Santa Monica I rushed out in wrinkled clothes. I’m talking about real, hardcore, annoying ass OCD’s. So what is an OCD?

“Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry; by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety; or by a combination of such obsessions and compulsions. Symptoms of the disorder include excessive washing or cleaning; repeated checking; extreme hoarding; preoccupation with sexual, violent or religious thoughts; relationship-related obsessions; aversion to particular numbers; and nervous rituals, such as opening and closing a door a certain number of times before entering or leaving a room. These symptoms can be alienating and time-consuming, and often cause severe emotional and financial distress. The acts of those who have OCD may appear paranoid and potentially psychotic. However, OCD sufferers generally recognize their obsessions and compulsions as irrational, and may become further distressed by this realization.”

The ones I had sucked. They would make doing normal things even harder than they needed to be. Funny enough, the solution to recognizing some of them came from the most unlikely source: Howard Stern. Yes, that Howard Stern. He in his autobiography mentioned his including having to enter doors a certain way to make sure he was confident and powerful. Here’s some of the ridiculous nonsense my brain put me through and how I got over them.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Rosscast Episode 275: Crazy Ass Coffee

In this episode I talk about this morning’s hike, this strange ass coffee that I’m still recovering from, Bitches Be Crazy involving tossing Furby’s at people, Dude What The Fuck with a gang member cramming his ass with heroin, and a Listener Question. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast Shows!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Why Isn't Dante Dating?

By the way, this turned out to be very long. That’s not what she said! If you've been on Youtube in the last couple of months chances are that you've seen the Zoosk commercial featuring this chick named Liz and her talking heart trying to get her hooked up online with this guy named Brad. I like the commercial fine but, my god, they play it a lot. I'll tune in to see the best knockouts of last year and suddenly hear her heart bugging the hell out of her to hook up. Zoosk is a social dating online site that has been around for a while and makes a shit ton of money.

“Zoosk is a site that combines social networking and online dating. Social graph information is incorporated into user profiles. The company has a popular application on Facebook. Zoosk has a dedicated website, a mobile app, and a desktop chat client.”

I tried an online dating site years ago to see what animals I could catch in my naughty jungle of love. It was an interesting social experiment. Nothing but older White women and Indian chicks. That was it. No Latinas or Black women wanted a slice of this. Just like real life! I would never date someone I met on a dating site. I have friends who've used them with mixed results and I don't judge them for it. If you find a cool ass guy on a dating site then rock and roll. Then I look at myself in the mirror and go “Is there something wrong with me?” For years I've been the guy that women complain about their bad relationships to but wont touch. Or they do and will never admit it to friends.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Parents Failing Hard

I know that I rag a lot on the young ones in my Kids These Days blogs. But its about time for the parents to take some responsibility for these crazy ass youths. Most times the reasons these children are about as useful as a cockring in a female prison is because some adult decided to give birth to something that will grow up doing nothing but steal my oxygen. This is the first that will likely be many of bad parenting posts called Parents Failing Hard.

In Florida of course a mother named Nedra Byrd, 31, decided to let her 10 year old son get shitfaced drunk on brandy. He was found walking around butt ass naked in the streets when a neighbor spotted him and called the cops. They say the boy was so heffed up on the hooch that he didn’t know he was naked. That’s an experience he shouldn’t have for at least eight more years.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Harlem Shake Doom Mates Edition

It's been a while since I've done anything Doom Mates related. So here's some random Harlem Shaking going on. Click here to find out what the hell Doom Mates is!

Damn You Monopoly!

I hate when there are votes that I don’t know about. I had heard tale of Monopoly adding a new game piece. I own the game and ever since I was little the iron has always been my favorite piece. While folks would fight over the dog or the racecar (which creeps me out since its spelled the same backwards and forwards) I’d grab my little iron and be content. Irons rule. But thousands of you assholes don’t agree and chose to replace it with a goddamn cat. A cat!

"Meow! I suck! I'll eat you when you die! Meow!

If cats were people you would have nothing to do with them. Ever. Cats are a human version of a hot chick in the club that goes just to be treated to free shit and looked at but not touched or spoken to unless they want it. When you look at all the other options that were available the cat is the worse one. There’s a helicopter, a ring, a guitar, and a robot. A robot loss to a cat?! What planet am I living on where this is a thing?!

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Rosscast Episode 274: Don't Taser Mama!

In this episode I bitch about AT&T and their horrible service, We Going To Hell featuring an old man doing something with something in public he shouldn’t have been, Bitches Be Crazy featuring a mother deservedly getting tased, and Shit Just Got Real featuring a three-way gone horribly wrong! Click here to download this and previous Rosscast.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Vaportini Because Mouth Drinking Is Passe

Earlier this evening I found out about a new way to get drunk. No, its not through your eyeballs or asshole. Sorry to disappoint you. Its through this thing/process called a Vaportini. Its like a bong for booze because for whatever reason humans keep needing new ways to get fucked up and it is also Spanish for “I hate being upright.” I have no problem drinking, having it work its way through my system, and then making bad decisions. The company that sells this says that drinks that are 70% proof or higher is better. For example, 86% hooch has 50% alcohol which means you’ll be on your way to acting like a completely different person in no time! Seriously, who likes being themselves?

She certainly doesn't!

Vaportini is described as “5 minutes after the vessel containing the spirits is placed on the base, it is ready to consume. The recommended amount of spirits is 1 ounce. One inhales through the straw and holds their breathe for a moment and then exhales. That’s it. The effects are felt immediately because the alcohol is going directly through the bloodstream. Most people experience a relaxed and mellow feeling.”

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Rosscast Episode 273: Prison Sex

In this episode I answer some Listener Questions, do a Bitches Be Crazy involving poison vagina, a We Going To Hell featuring a guard that got knocked up by a prisoner, and a birthday song for Dan aka Beastman! Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Five Things I Learned Not To Ask A Woman

We as men get curious. When we like a girl or date them there are certain questions that we ask that we really shouldn’t. Every one of these were asked by me at some point with regretful consequences. Looking back I wonder why in the hell I asked them. I didn’t need to know the answer. Better yet, I wish I had never asked as soon as the words left my lips. Not everything needs to be known!

This is a list of five things I learned to never ask a woman with the help of Taylor Swift aka Taydolf Switler. If you’re dating a girl and feel like asking any of these questions stop, re-read this, and figure out what you’re gonna have for dinner. There is nothing like laying in bed next to someone and just before they kiss you goodnight imagining 37 dicks in her mouth. For anyone thinking “Dante, you need to grow up!” allow me to introduce myself since we must’ve just met this moment.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The First Black: Secret Service Agent

Charles Leroy Gittens, not to be confused with Leroy Jenkins who has a penchant for ruining carefully laid plans was the first African American to ever become a Secret Service agent. This was back in 1956 where Black people were barely allowed to breathe the same air as other Americans so this was kind of a big deal. Again, much like with my Cool Shit Black People Invented that I did last February for Black History Month, this is the type of shit I should've been learning in school. Here's what I learned about Blacks in school.

We were chilling in Africa.

Some White folks came and stole us.

These White people beat the fuck out of us and loved cotton but didn't want to pick it themselves.

We were freed but not really.

Its March now, so shut up with the questions, kid.

Can you imagine how scary that job must’ve been? You couldn’t even drink from the same fountains as most people but you were part of the most important security team ever. You had to watch the bushes and your back. And the Bush’s. Get it? Huh?! Yeah. Born in Cambridge, Massachusetts Gittens left high school before graduation to fight in the Korean War. After that he earned a bachelor of arts degree in English and Spanish and graduated Magna Cum Laude. Afterwards he taught for one year and said “Teaching ain’t as fun as plottin’!“ then took the civil service exam and ended up being recruited in the Secret Service.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Rosscast Episode 272: So Many Questions!

In this fun ass episode I debut a new segment titled Shit Just Got Real and follow it up with a shit ton of Listener Questions including two related to Chris Brown and Rihanna, what I would do if I farted in front of a girl I liked, the sexiest thing a woman can wear, and any interesting scars I have. Thanks to everyone that asked questions! Click here to download this and previous Rosscast Shows.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Kids These Days 15

Remember when we were little and kids would steal things like toys, candy, or baseball cards? Well, them’s the old days! Kids are now stealing condoms and candy at knife point! Three 13 year old jackasses were arrested for robbing a Walgreen’s in Wisconsin because when you’re 13 condoms are very important. You would’ve given me a condom when I was 13 that shit would’ve been dust by the time I got to use it. For real. Dust.

The manager saw these assholes stealing candy and when he went to confront them, which cops say to never do but as someone who worked retail and confronted thieves is fucking fun, and when he said something they threw a $15 box of condoms at him and brandished knives. $15?! Damn. Were they Louis Vuitton condoms?! Anyhoot, they screamed at him “Don’t you call the fucking police!” because that always works. The cops caught them and they all had steak knives. Here’s a composite sketch.