Thursday, April 30, 2009

Are You Fine With Swine?

Okay. I’ll do it. I didn’t want to write a blog about this swine flu shit but I have no choice. I cant even listen to my favorite podcasts without the damned topic coming up. Happy, world?! Look what you’ve made me do!

When I first heard there was some pig flu going around I thought the police were going on strike again! Ba-dum-bump! Thank you! I’ll be here all week. Try the pork chops! Or not. They have been showing this stuff all over the news. Now don’t get me wrong. The news should show this kind of thing. It’s a nasty little bugger that could kill if left untreated. They are telling people that if they feel like shit to just stay home. But you know, you just know, that some asshole that is coughing up a lung and crapping up a storm are dragging their ass to work and making others sick. Its all about being careful at this point.

The thing that is bothering me aside from the fact that my precious bacon is being threatened is that the news is trying to cause a panic. There is a line from Men In Black that I still remember and love.

“A person is smart. People are dumb panicky dangerous animals and you know it.”

You have all these people walking around with this false sense of security because they are wearing masks. Let me tell you something: you are wearing the wrong masks! I worked in a hospital where I dealt with folks that had all kinds of airborne diseases. There are multiple type masks you can wear. The ones you are seeing on the news are the wrong kind. To effectively stop this disease you need one that has droplet protection. These masks suck to wear and whenever I had to I knew it would mean difficulty breathing and me sweating. The ones people are sporting are the equivalent of pulling your shirt over your nose.

If we are really going to fight this shit we have to do it right. If you are really afraid of this disease hurting your kids keep them at home. If you got some mysterious sniffles keep your monkey ass at home. And don’t eat pork. That just means more bacon for me!


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Why Won't They Stop?!

I liked the first Saw movie. I rented it years ago. It was a really f-ed up film. Making you look at the things you do to the people around you. No matter what small thing you do has a huge affect on the people that we come in contact with. Then there was Saw 2, 3, 4, and then 5.

I wondered how in the hell these movies could keep going, especially after the damned guy died. This wasn’t like the Jason movies where when someone died they came back. This is somewhat based in reality. Okay. Loosely based in reality. The killer was dead. We saw him die. If what killed him didn’t do it the terminal cancer he had would. But they found a way around that. They had his helper doing the killings. Then she got killed. Now where does that leave us?

The next killer. The movie keeps on going and all is well with the world. There’s nothing left to discuss, right? Nope. Now there is a part 6 coming out and that bothers me to no end.
Alex just posted a list of the next set of sequels coming out and it makes my head spin.

Predator sequel entitled: “Predators” (because the last ones were so awesome, right?)
Alien prequel (leave it be!)
Drop Dead Fred remake (excuse me?)
Wall Street 2 starring Shia LeBeauf (aka The Franchise Kid)
Clueless 2 (huh?)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2 (gotta be joking…)
Adventures in Babysitting (oh, hell no!)
Indiana Jones 5 (hahahahaha!!!)
Fast and Furious (the sequel that’s a prequel)
Tron reboot (the first was terrible why make another one?)
Robin Hood (why?)
Terminator: Salvation (which may rock)
Transformers 2 (ugh…)
Da Vinci Code: Angels and Demons (I am excited)
Clash of the Titans (leave it alone!)
Night at the Museum 2 (stop)
Twilight 2 (and I should care because…?)
2 Harry Potter sequels (I skipped the last few)
Wanted 2 (because the first was so good…)
S. Darko (the Donnie Darko sequel that should never be done)
H2: Halloween remake (come on…)
Crank 2 (one of the worst movies ever made!)
Nightmare on Elm Street (is this part 18 or 19?)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (again!)
Toy Story 3 (the 2nd blew hard)
Sin City 2 (not even excited anymore)
Spider-Man 4 (who are the villains?)
X-Men: First Class (because…?)
Batman 3 (yes!)
Iron Man 2 (sorry, Terrance)
Ghostbusters 3 (only Kiyoshi cares)

We movie lovers say that there is a lack of originality and that is why so many sequels are being made. That’s not it. Its because no matter how bad some of these films were they made money. If you want an original film see a foreign one. That is until its made again in America. I am dreading the remakes of “Let the Right One In”, “Old Boy”, and “Night Watch.” Awesome foreign films that someone saw and liked so much that they thought they should make it all over here. Of course I doubt in the remake you’ll see things like live squid eating, slashed vaginas, or half-worlds populated by blood/soul sucking mosquitoes. These are the things that get lost in translation when remaking foreign films. Anyhoot, back to my rant.

There are plenty of original films to be made. I know because I write. I have friends that write and make movies. If you put me, Alex, Cam, Kiyoshi, and Jess in a room and gave us two hours we could make a film that the world would wanna see. Everyone has a great film in them. But for some reason shit rises to the top faster than taste. God, that sounded horrible.


This Is How It Starts...

There is always something that happens that makes me say “This is how it starts.” Last year it was scientists fucking around with that atom smasher. Now its these firemen in the UK wearing freaking space helmets. These things make me nervous.

Imagine you’re in a burning building. Some dude comes crashing through the door with an axe in his hand and wearing that mask (the one up top). I would be able to piss the flames out. I’d think I was being abducted. I wonder how they came up with the design.

“Right! So we need a new design for our helmets! Ideas!”

“We can try something heroic.”

“No! That’s stupid!”


“We need something that inspires fear!”


“Right! Fear! I’m thinking metal. Shiny metal! Face completely covered. Nigel! Rent some space films and come back with something we can use!”

The future tends to make me nervous when I used to get excited about it. I remember years ago reading about how by 2007 we were supposed to have stations on the moon and men on Mars. We can barely survive getting back to Earth if a tiny piece of foam falls off. And don’t get me started on the fact that I don’t have a laser gun, flying car, or metal pants. Yes, metal pants.


Finger Bitin' Mad?!

Upset over unpaid wages, a Serbian union official chops off his finger and eats it to protest the situation. "We, the workers, have nothing to eat. We had to seek some sort of alternative food and I gave them an example," Zoran Bulatovic says.

I can think of a hundred other ways to show that there is nothing to eat. This is way too extreme. I’m pretty sure actually that I would eat my own shit before I cut off my finger and ate it. I have a problem with protest in general without taking it to the levels of eating myself. Do you think this changed the mind of anyone in charge of union dues? No. It just showed that this guy was a nut.

I have been to a protest once. Years ago against the FCC when Howard Stern was being raped with fines. Me and a few hundred other idiots stood in front of the federal building in Westwood standing there with signs. As I stood there I knew that what I was doing would not do anything. Honking a car does nothing to support folks. It just makes noise. All that happened was I missed a few hours of work and Stern eventually left the air thus ruining my mornings at the porn shop.

I don’t even like looking at protests. They don’t accomplish anything unless you start burning shit. I always say if you flip a car over all bets are off. I remember when teachers would go on strike every year like it was a holiday. It was cool because then we could act wilder than usual. At my junior high they forced us to picket with them a couple years in a row until we started using the signs for weapons. God, what about those guys that set themselves on fire years ago? Here’s how I would protest.

“Hey, ya’ll. Stop fucking with me.”


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Finger Lickin' Mad!!!

I came across this story where in New York this Popeye’s chicken ran out of chicken. I know that sounds crazy but not when you also know that they were giving it out for free. Also, El Pollo Loco is doing a free chicken thing with KFC following suit. What’s with all this free chicken?!

This isn’t about free chicken though. This is about folks losing their damned minds because places are out of it. I understand people getting mad if they called off from work to get some or something. But saying that your kids wont eat tonight because of this? Come on, people! Take you (no racism intended) monkey ass home and cook a meal for your kids! This is what’s wrong with the world today (not exactly but its close to bad teaching and Super AIDS). Yelling at a recorded voice message while you sit there in your flashy ass clothes and stunner shades while driving a car that gets 8 miles to the gallon about how your kids cant eat because Popeye’s is out of free chicken. Kiss my finger lickin’ ass.

When I was on Sunset earlier the El Pollo Loco had a line so long it was in front of McDonald’s. I heard a guy say “They got the nerve to charge for a drink and beans & rice with the free chicken!” Uh, yeah! They didn’t say “Free chicken, side dish, and a drink!” Just chicken. Damn it, why is this so hard to understand?

I need to stop before I actually start screaming at my computer. People getting mad about some damned chicken. Free chicken! Go home. Make a nice dinner for your kids. Also, while I was watching that I was praying that they would show some White folk. But, no. They didn’t. Damn.


Crap Chronicles III

“Oh, this ain't good…“

This is what crossed my mind as I headed to the bathroom. Like I said in a previous blog, I didn't have the best of diets a few years back. On a diet consisting on mostly beef my colon was like the 405 during 7:30am. At the behest of The Whore (I'll explain later sometime) I decided to go on a fast and cleanse.

The cleanse started with drinking this herbal laxative tea. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't doubt that the stuff would work. I just doubted how fast it would. Now here's the deal. I had to drink one cup of this stuff right before bed. It didn't taste half bad. I guzzled it down and was like, whatever. It was a Sunday night and there was no better way to start the week than with a nice, refreshing cleansing. Oh, this was such a bad idea.

I get up and it's Monday morning. This tea shit had had the entire night to work its way through my system. I figured that I would have to crap immediately or at the very least wake up prairie doggin' (bonus points of you get that joke). No dice. I did like I was told and drank another cup using the same bag. I got ready and headed downstairs to work thinking nothing of it.

Crap Chronicles II

So this next story has something in common as the last one. Apple juice, the bane of my existence. I was working at this place called Centinela Feed & Pet Supplies. This was a shit job. Not literally unless someone couldn’t control their pet and they decided to take a dump on the floor. Anyhoot, I was on my lunch break and decided to treat myself to a awesome lunch. Flaming Hot Cheetoos and a big ass bottle of apple juice.

What was I thinking?

So I’m sitting in the break room (meaning where all the pallets were kept) and eating this concoction all kinds of happy. As soon as I finish the apple juice I think to myself, “My, God. What have I just done…?” My stomach starts rumbling. Its go time.

I rush to the front counter and get the bathroom key. There’s only one and there are two keys. I take them both and run to the bathroom. I lock myself in there and start laying layers of toilet paper on there. I worked there and know how nasty the punk ass employees were let alone the people that used the bathrooms there. I sit down and try to keep things quiet. The door was paper thin and I knew that if I lost control I would alert everyone that someone was baking some brownies.

Someone started knocking.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Crap Chronicles

I was talking to someone about my bathroom habits. Cam jokes that I have only used her bathroom at her place twice even though I have been over her place plenty of times and drank many liquids. She isn’t lying. I rarely used the bathroom at other folks places. It goes past being a matter of privacy or cleanliness. This somewhat goes back to when I was little and my brothers would kick the door open when I was dropping a deuce. I have only freed James Brown twice outside of where I was living. This is one of those times.

I was about 12 years old. I was with my parents going to see my cousin Randy and head to the mall. Before we left I had a awesome breakfast of Raisin Bran and apple juice. Yeah. You see where this is going. So yeah. We all hopped in the car and made our way there. We sat there for half an hour when my stomach started rumbling. I had to shit. Now.

After squirming for a few minutes I told my parents that I was gonna head inside. I jumped out the car and just as I was making my way to my cousins place she comes out the door. I asked if I could use the bathroom and she was like, “No, let’s go.” 


Saturday, April 25, 2009

By Way Of Ohio...

There’s this crazy ass kid I know. His name is Alex.
Alex Hluch. My spell check and google hate his last name. I met him back in 2006 when I was working at UCLA Medical Center. We were patient escorts. We were the best patient escorts. We also happened to be goofy as hell.
I was hired so that he could change shifts for school or something (yes, that's me with the tacky spiked hair). I had seen him but had not talked to him that much. One day we had a call and a nurse was being rather bitchy. After he told her “Thank you. God bless” the elevator door closed and he proceeded to give her the DX crotch chop. “Wrestling fan?” I asked him. He was.
We started talking more and more and it turned out that he was cool as hell and the smartest 19 year old I knew. I was like 26 or maybe 27 and believed that people his age were half retarded and only concerned with getting money or fucking. Yes, Alex has his girls he would face rape if he could but he also happens to be one of the most upstanding people I know. He doesn’t bullshit you. With his girlish figure and baby blue eyes you’d think he would be totally different than he actually is.
He loves movies, comic books, and music. His tastes are all over the damned place. And as I mentioned, he is a huge fan or wrestling. Or he used to be. Wrestling has been sucking for years now and it was one of the reasons we started
Living Room Wrestling. One day we were sitting in my apartment and started talking about making our own company. He created The White Shadow while I had Season Premiere. We made videos blasting each other back and forth. He teamed with Hector Con Carne to create the tag team White Meat. Good times.

One time we went to see the movie “
Teeth.” I told him that this movie was traumatizing as hell but he didn’t believe me. He ended up balled up in the seat next to me whining. When we got back to my place I shot a video of us discussing everything from movies, porn, to zombie dancing. I miss seeing this fool.

He’s back in Ohio now finishing school. I cant wait until he gets back so we can start making more films and acting like fools in general. One of the last memories I have of the two of us together at work was moving a corpse and talking about wrestling. Hurry home, Hluch!


Swangs N' Thangs

Last week I went to the beach with my lady. Oh, it was so fun. In a few hours we managed to squeeze in a lot of stuff. Its funny but sometimes when you think you need an entire day to do something it turns out all you need is maybe three. We got some awesome fish & chips from this spot on The Pier. My lady (who will now be referred to as Jess) didn’t want the tartar sauce at first because she had some nasty ass kind a while back. She liked this and we chowed down on that before getting desert. We got some funnel cake. Well, she got the funnel cake and I got the cup of cookies and cream ice cream. This was some good funnel cake. It was covered in strawberries but somehow stayed crunchy as all get out. We sat there on the beach watching everyone and then headed for the playground.
Jess jumped on the swings and rubbed the fact that I couldn’t swing in my face. There’s nothing like having your girlfriend have to give you a head start on a swing. She is sitting there flying like a eagle while I am wearing my legs out trying to get a couple of feet off the ground.
I have never been able to swing properly. I start going sideways all jerky. Swings are fun for me once someone gets me going but if its all up to me its gonna be a while before I get up there. Little girls got on the swings and were getting higher than me. This is bullshit. Time for a test of strength!
I tried to climb a rope and jacked my hands up. I did well on the balance been. Next were the rings! I flipped my self upside down and hung up there. It was fun. I like the feeling I get just when I let go and before I hit the ground. Let’s see those little girls do this! I am manly, damn you! I can take down dozens of you if I wanted to.


Friday, April 24, 2009

Tattoos, Thai, & Travelling

So I had fun today. After reading, listening to podcasts, painting, and talking on the phone, I waited for my best friend/sister Cam to arrive. We were headed to get a tattoo for her. No, I haven’t gotten one yet. I was gonna stay with her while my other friend Ikuko gave her one. I’m sure it will look awesome when its done.
We get to Purple Panther and Ikuko and Cam finally meet after all the back and forth and phone calls to set this up. Cam shows her what she wants and they discuss it. Time to get a tattoo, right? No. By the time we got there and tried to cross the street during busy ass Sunset Blvd. traffic some dude was already there and Ikuko was working on him. Damn it. So we are heading back tomorrow night to get it done.
Next we went to Toi, this Thai place. Sorry. Rockin’ Thai. The place looked really cool! It was right across the street from Ikuko’s job. We got a good seat and I got the chicken pad see ew and of course a Thai iced tea. I tend to get this meal whenever I go to a Thai place for the first time. If they cant get this right then ordering a more complex meal ain’t happening.
The food was great! And huge! That was the most pad see ew I ever got. We shared our meals and I still have enough for two more meals. This is me pleased. Did I mention that they were playing an old The Who concert while we ate? Oh, before we went there we headed to Meltdown Comics and looked at stuff. I miss the days of going to a comic shop and being excited. Now I just look around like “What the hell is all this crap?” Nothing grabs me the way it used to comic book wise. Everything seems unoriginal and rehashed. Once I saw a “Greatest American Hero” comic book I knew it was time to go.
We began a search for the perfect comforter for Cam at one of my ex’s old jobs. Some of her old co-workers were there and looked at me like I was a ghost. It was funny. Cam found some towels but not a comforter. I saw some cheap curtains I will have to head back there for eventually. Meaning when I start working. We then headed to Cost Plus World Market. I had to talk Cam out of buying a damn near $50 pillow. They have a lot of cool stuff at that place. I had seen it a hundred times but never went in there. I add it to my list of places to buy random shit like cool popcorn buckets and odd spices. Oh, and on Fairfax we got stuck in traffic after this Armenian protest. I'm actually not sure if it were a protest of a parade. I actually thought it was a celebration of soccer with all the flags I saw.
We finally headed to Cam’s place and watched this cool ass Russian film called “Night Watch.” I cant even begin to explain what this film is about exactly. Just look it up because whatever I tell you about it will just sound strange and I might talk you out of seeing it. So, yeah. I had a cool day with my sister and all is right with the world. Now only if my girlfriend would get her ass home and give me a call…



Thursday, April 23, 2009


Doom Mates: Episode 3 "Bored Games"

Seperation Anxiety

Randomly during the day I will jump on and find a certain topic and read about it. This morning I looked up Malcolm X. That got me linking to other things ranging from The Nation of Islam, Jim Crow Laws, Rosa Parks, and segregation in America.

I don’t normally talk about my race unless its in a joking way or in regards of some stupid act or comment made by a Black person. My mother seems to deny that her own mother is a full blooded Native American and focuses her mental efforts on making sure we all think we are just Black. I think back to when my parents were born in 1950 and 1951 respectively. My mother in Los Angeles and my father in Mississippi. I cant imagine what the hell it must have been like to not be able to do certain things based off of your race.

Now I know some people are already saying “That hasn’t changed.” Oh, but how wrong you are. We can sit here and say that there are jobs, pay, and places we cant go because of our race. But think about the shit we take for granted. When was the last time you couldn’t ride a bus because you were Black. The last time you couldn’t drink from a fountain, go into a place to eat, or worry about being lynched on your lawn. Yeah, its not quite the same now, is it?

Of course there is still shit that is racist. I laugh at the old people that cant let shit go. People who scream for a pure race even though that shit is pretty close to impossible now. I sit here and think of my friends and how they are pretty much all mixed. I have people representing Puerto Rico, Guyana, Mexico, Japan, and Hungary. Its like an episode of Captain Planet. I still don’t understand how people can run around screaming about other races being less than them. We all eat, breathe, and shit. We all hate being hurt. No matter where you were born or when you are a human being full of problems and things that make you smile your ass off. Get over yourself. Stop hating people because of what they happen to look like. Stop saying “I wont talk to them because they are from…” Do you know how much you limit yourself with that silly ass line of thinking? “I wont date her because she’s not my race.” You know how many girlfriends I would have had if I dated only Black chicks? I mean someone that doesn’t include whatever the hell else they are mixed with? One.

There are tons of programs that are set up for one race. Black student unions. Asian student unions. Indian student unions. I have yet to find one White student union. There is no WET (White Entertainment Television). I say let go of all that stuff. In a hundred years everyone is gonna be so damned mixed none of this will even matter. You’ll ask someone what they’re mixed with and they will laugh at you. You know what’s crazy though? If me and my lady ever had a kid (which we both agree will never happen) it would be mixed with Black, Guyanese, and at least three forms of Native American. That kid would be grey.


Jesus Christ Pose

What if Jesus had an afro with a chinstrap? Would He be worshipped differently? Of course. A couple of weeks ago I asked my girlfriend why it was so important to certain races that Jesus looked like them. Okay, this is not the time for me to beat around the bush. If you know me then you know one thing I cant stand is a bush beater. Blacks and Whites are the ones that tend to argue over what Jesus looked like. Does it really matter?

You can go to certain parts of the city and country and people will have a Black Jesus hanging up in their house. Most White homes will have the White, or traditional, Jesus. Latinos use the White Jesus. Its been the one we are all used to and some are more comfortable with. Why is that? A few years back Time magazine did this thing where they created what Jesus would have “really” looked like. People got pissed!
Gone was the “What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?!” afro. Gone were the beautiful blue eyes that you could get lost in with flowing Pantene soft hair. What you got was a rugged, dark Jesus. People didn’t like that. Here is what they woke up to.

They wanted Jesus to look like someone they might know. No one knew this guy. They may have given him change while walking down the street once, but this wasn’t the guy they had been praying to for all these centuries.

What I’m saying is that what he looked like doesn’t matter. Or at least it shouldn’t. Paying that much attention to what the son of God looked like is wrong for so many different reasons. They say that Jesus was love. Not once did they say, “He was White with baby soft skin.” People have for years tried to find things in the bible to back up their claim of what he looks like. “They say his skin was like copper!” Okay. I know one person alive that has skin like copper. Donatella Versace. I met her in person and it was a terrifying experience.

People need to stop figuring out what He looked like and what he stood for. Even if you think that Jesus wasn’t real and that God doesn’t exist take what good you can from what is taught in His name and not all the negative shit we read about in the papers and see on TV. Jesus never said to blow stuff up or touch children in harmful ass ways. People have perverted what should be a beautiful thing with over thinking. Life. You know what’s funny? Those that don’t believe in Jesus are the ones that seem to spend the most time talking and thinking about him.


Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Paint By Numbers

So I got a wild hair up my ass last night and decided to paint. I have had supplies laying around for a while (meaning two years!) and all of a sudden decided to do something. I dusted my canvas’ off and dug under my bed for my paint.

Now, I have never claimed to be a good painter. I draw alright. I can write my ass off and defy you to find someone with better stories than me! Go ahead, puppy power. I dare you! I tend to draw in black & white so painting and using colors make me nervous. In junior high and high school I had classes with an artist named Rozzell Sykes. I took classes with him and thought he was just this weird dude that ran St. Elmo’s Village. Turns out that was his house and he was a famous Black Los Angeles artist. He loved my brush strokes and I was happy. I used to like painting. I painted this cool ass car of the future for my father one day. I found it on the side of the bed a few days later and pretty much gave up on painting.

Now I like it again for some reason. Now remember, this is me trying to do something new. If it looks like shit that’s cool. As long as it looks like something, right? The new ones are done with a before and after type shot.

First up is one I did a couple years ago. I like silhouettes and wanted it to kinda say something. I have everyone walking along and this one guy sees something. I burned a hole in the canvas. I was planning on using a clock or a piece of a mirror in the hole but for some reason I like it plain better.
This one is just the lines in the palm of my hand. I was going to add more color but I liked it with just the black & red. I thought about doing this a while ago but finally got around to doing it.
Next was a Guyanese flag I did for my lady (she is half Guyanese). This turned out to be the hardest one for some reason. Maybe because I had to use more than one color.
Last is this skeleton. I wanted it to be kinda like a Jimi Hendrix type of deal. I was gonna put a guitar but didn’t feel like beating folks over the head with what this was. I really like how it came out though.

Man Fights Dog


COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. – Police in Colorado say shots were fired at TV bounty hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman and a bail bondsman when they tried to apprehend a man whose bail was revoked on an attempted murder charge. Colorado Springs police Sgt. Roger Vargason says the two were attempting to take 35-year-old Hoang Nguyen into custody at an apartment complex Tuesday night when Nguyen shot at them at least once with a handgun and fled on a motorcycle. No injuries were reported.

Vargason says initial reports showed Chapman and the bondsman were armed only with paintball guns. Police said Chapman apprehended Nguyen early Wednesday. He was due in court Wednesday afternoon.

Paint ball guns? Are you kidding? I know Dog has been in trouble ever since he went off the Mexico to catch that murdering make up guy, but a paint ball gun? At least bring a knife. Hell, even some brass knuckles. Ooh, or some nunchucks! Man, if someone came after me with some nunchucks I would throw my wallet at them.

The thing about find funny about Dog (one of many things) and other bounty hunters is that they look like bounty hunters. Close your eyes and picture one. What did you see?

Leather vest.


Cowboy boots.


I think I just describe bounty hunters, Mad Max villains, and bikers. If I did some bad shit and knew someone was looking for me, I am on the look out for anyone in leather. If they came at me trying to take me in I’d be like, “Fuck you! Where’s the cops? I’m not going anywhere with you!” How legal in bounty hunting anyway?

In the United States legal system, the 1872 U.S Supreme Court case Taylor v. Taintor, 16 Wall (83 U.S. 366, 21 L.Ed. 287), is cited as having established that the person into whose custody an accused is remanded as part of the accuseds bail has sweeping rights to recover that person (although this may have been accurate at the time the decision was reached, the portion cited was obiter dictum and has no binding precedential value). Most bounty hunters are employed by a bail bondsman: the bounty hunter is paid about 10% of the bail the fugitive initially paid. If the fugitive eludes bail, the bondsman, not the bounty hunter, is responsible for the remainder of the fugitive. This is a way of ensuring his clients arrive at trial. In the United States, bounty hunters catch an estimated 31,500 bail jumpers per year, about 90% of people who jump bail. Bounty hunters are also sometimes known as "bail enforcement agents" or "fugitive recovery agents," which are the preferred industry and polite terms, but they are still sometimes called "bounty hunters".

Oh. I guess its pretty legal.


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Miss Californiacation

"Well I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. Um, we live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and in, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there. But that's how I was raised and that's how I think that it should be between a man and a woman."

This was Miss California Carrie Prejean giving her opinion on gay marriage. This has caused quite a stir and I’m sitting here trying to figure out why. All she did was give her opinion. That’s it. Is she not allowed to do that? Let me tell you something you may not be aware of: Miss California, Miss Universe, and Miss America pageants mean nothing! That’s right, I said it. When they win these things it doesn’t give them any special privileges. They don’t get to eat for free, join Congress, or get a super power. They get a title that means shit to no one except the person in the pageant and apparently Perez Hilton.

Okay, we get it. You’re gay, dude. He called her a bitch and said that he would rip the tiara off of her head if she won. Get over yourself. If she believes that toilet paper should be rolled down underneath and not over does that make her a bad person? No, it just means she does things differently. She believes that only dudes and chicks should get married. Okay. Then we move on to the swimsuit portion where all these chicks with the same exact body and damn near the same face parade on stage while my penis takes a nap.

And how do I feel about gay marriage? I don’t care. I don’t think its right for a state or country to not allow people to marry one another because they were born liking the same sex. But then I don’t think multiple marriages should be allowed. Perhaps two top. Drew Barrymore had been married twice and each time it was for a year. She’s done. No more even though every year she finds “the one” and then its over and we don’t say anything about it. If I had a talk show I would ask her, “So what the fuck’s your deal with men?” What was I talking about.

Yeah, I don’t think people say to themselves one day “I wanna be gay. I wanna have the threat of being beaten or killed because of who I choose to love. I want my family to stop talking to me. I want a general feeling of unsafeness (new word alert) in my life. That sounds awesome!” People are born gay. Deal with it. But…

I think there is this percentage of people that are gay by choice. If you are one of these people then choose early and don’t fuck people over by marrying them, having kids, then getting a wild hair (or dick) up your ass and telling your wife that the past few years were a sham and now you’re leaving to live with Lance in Palm Springs.


Thursday, April 16, 2009

"The Last & The Curious 3: Too Curious"

Do Ya Wanna Touch? (Yeah!)

On Oprah earlier they had this lady talking to young teens about sex. These two 14 year olds in particular interested me. This lady asked them how long they planned on being together. The boys answer was close to 6 months. You could practically hear the girls heart break. She said she didn’t have a time limit on it. This boy could not dig himself out of this hole.

They were sitting there all lovey dovey until then. They were still holding hands but I started using my “Lie To Me” knowledge and watched her body change. She got quieter. She kept her legs crossed. It was bad. At that boys age you have not learned the art of shutting the fuck up and not making situations worse. Next they started talking about what would happen if the girl gets pregnant. Oh, the kid thought that it should be up to them whether or not they had sex. He said adoption (owned!) and would ask the chick if she would keep the baby (double owned!). Then the lady asked if he knew how to use condoms and he kinda got this face like, “What do I look? Retarded?” A little bit, yeah.

Another topic was the encouragement of young girls masturbating. A lot of older women got pissed at that. Mind you, these are the same pent up, pill popping, post partum, spending the 70’s through 80’s high women that loved free love and spread herpes like butter. Its funny how our parents fucked things up so irreparably are now asking why kids are so fucked up. Anyway, they said how we teach boys to masturbate more than girls. I started that shit so late my penis weeps for me. They say it gives girl a better sense of what she likes and has her not have to depend on a guy for satisfaction.

I agree.

This reminds me of the big fight a while back about teaching sex education in school. If parents weren’t talking about it and you didn’t find out about it from a sibling or friends, what option did you have? I am using me as an example. There was no internet when I was growing up. Hell, the internet wasn’t even cool until a couple years after I got out of high school. I heard things from my older brother. I listened to kids in school. There are some things people cant teach though. There was no manual on how to give head or finger a chick correctly (trim your nails and keep ‘em clean, guys).

If this not teaching shit keeps up the way it is you’re gonna have chicks that think they’re Virgins because they only have anal sex. Guys that fuck like rabbits and think they’re the shit. Penises being bitten because girls don’t know what they’re doing. Oh, the humanity! I never had “The Talk” with my parents. They’re like plants to me. When I first had sex I had to just kinda wing it. Yes, it was bad. I wont get into the black condom, the filthy room, or the fifteen minute time limit. Trust me: it was bad.

This was also a shock to me. I always thought that guys couldn’t have bad sex. I had heard chicks talk about bad sex. His dick was short. Too big. Too thick. Too skinny. It was like some sick ass version of Goldiecocks and the Three Dicks. But I thought that once a guy was in there he was all kinds of happy. This reality slammed my brain hard as I struggled with how I felt and wondered if I would ever want to have sex again. Of course I did. Don’t be silly. I hope people get their shit together and start talking about sex more openly. You don’t have to be graphic and talk about how big your shit is or what it tastes like. Just don’t keep it in the sheets the way it has been for so long. Everyone likes to pretend they aren’t sexual when we all are. Just whip it out, folks.


Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter 2009 Was Super Fine

So Easter kicked ass. Yeah, I know how weird that sentence sounds. I really enjoyed the holiday. Easter has tended to be a left out holiday on my part. The only one that really stands out was one years ago where I ripped my ugly ass shirt on a bathroom stall and had to hold my shirt closed the rest of the day. I think this is the underlying reason I always were an undershirt.

I met my lady at The Forum for their big Easter celebration. It felt good since we hadn’t been in the huge church in a few months. Maybe four months. I felt good and couldn’t stop looking at how huge the crowd was. But something even stronger than God was calling me. Hunger!

I’m getting ahead of myself. Me and my lady made two pineapple upside down cakes! This was yesterday the day before Easter. I was afraid that I would mess these up since I have never made them before. I was expecting to make a hot mess.

We headed to Ralph’s and got all the magical ingredients needed. They were very simple. Cherries, butter, brown sugar, cake mix, and pineapples. Seems easy so far. We put everything the pans and arraigned the pineapples to look nice and pretty.

Next my lady made the cake batter. At the same time we were making dinner and dessert. We had cheese ravioli with meat sauce, garlic bread, and cherry Jell-O with Sprite. Oh, it was tasty!

The cakes were done. We removed them from the over and flipped it upside down (get it?) and let it cool off. The end result was great! It looked like an actual pineapple upside down cake! I wasn’t sure what I was expecting it to look like but I just figured I would find some way to mess it up. We made two awesome “looking” cakes that we couldn’t taste until Easter dinner.

Okay, back to Easter. So after church we headed to my lady’s place. I stared at her mean cat and then chatted with her dad for a bit. He is so cool. Afterwards we head to her aunts place for lunch. Everyone is there and we have fun talking. I’m not that used to this with my family so its cool. We talk about everything from religion, Chris Brown, pirates, basketball, and Guyana.

Later we all sat around and birthday speeches were given. Everyone would tell folks what they thought about and wished for them for their birthday. Everyone had nothing but nice things to say about me and it made my heart smile. I felt like the Grinch when he changed. We had some awesome food from ham, plantains, chicken, rice, macaroni, and potato salad topped off with peach cobbler, our cake, and home made strawberry ice cream. Oh, and some home made ginger beer! My stomach was quite pleased.

I called my parents to see if they were doing anything still. My mother didn’t answer so I was like “Oh, well…” while cheering on the inside. Me and my lady headed to the 99 Cent store and grabbed a bunch of chips after a jones started because she bought some Flaming Hot Cheetoos earlier in the day. My mother called and said almost everyone was gone except for a couple people I don’t really care for. We came back to my place, rested, and split. I got to talk to my sisters Cam and Heidi for a bit tonight, too. How much love can one man stand?!

As the great rapper Ice Cube once said: “Today was a good day.”


Saturday, April 11, 2009

What's This B.S (Britney Spears)?

VANCOUVER, British Columbia – The new and improved Britney Spears apparently isn't a fan of cigarette smoke — or any other kind of smoke, for that matter — while she's performing.

The 27-year-old pop star left the stage for about 30 minutes during a concert in Vancouver on Wednesday night, apparently because of smoke in the audience.

According to The Vancouver Sun, Spears' concert was halted about 15 minutes into her performance, and an announcer told concertgoers to put out their cigarettes. Some audience members grew impatient while waiting for Spears and her troupe to return to the stage, the Sun reported.

After she returned and ended the show, Spears — who has been to rehab and is on the comeback trail after a long stretch of troubles — told the crowd, "Don't smoke weed."

Spears' publicist, Holly Shakoor, issued a statement apologizing to fans about the delay. The statement said "crew members above the stage became ill due to a ventilation issue."

I don’t see how anyone can see one of her shows or listen to her music not stoned. For serious, I didn’t know that Britney had a stoner crowd. Prescription medicine, maybe. But not weed. Gotta love her “Don’t smoke weed” comment though. Ah, if only we’d known! Britney is the new voice of reason!

And who were these people getting impatient? Was it because they were losing their high? And Britney isn’t a fan of smoke? Every time you see her second ex husband K-Fed he’s smoking. I’m sure that must’ve driven her crazy. You know, when she wasn’t high as a kite. I swear, the mental image I have of this concert is just stunning. I see 12 year old girls and folks that look like fans of Phish. All of this crap begs a even bigger question…

Who in the hell is still going to Britney Spears concerts?! Really? You have that kinda cash just laying around that you would head off to a Britney concert? Oh, poor Brit-Brit. Its funny because years ago I remember thinking she was kinda hot. A horrible singer, but hot. Just like Beyonce, Chakira, and Mandy Moore. I wonder what she will be like at 40. Will she still be singing these cheesy ass songs while other 40 year olds dance in the crowd. Will Britney walk off stage when people are getting high off Substance D? Who knows? This topic makes my head hurt from stupidness.


Friday, April 10, 2009

What Do You Believe In?

Growing up I believed in God the same way I believed in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny. Some magical being that I could see in pictures but never meet in real life. I had to believe in them because if I didn’t I wouldn’t get a quarter for my tooth, a gift on Christmas, or a chocolate bunny to further damage to my teeth thus insuring that the Tooth Fairy would show up again soon.

Over time I realized that the things you believe in as a child are in fact childish. Santa was my family putting together bikes and gifts for me. The Tooth Fairy was one of my parents sneaking change under my pillow until my teeth started falling out at such an alarming rate that they couldn’t afford to keep up the charade. And the Easter Bunny was a clever way to sell chocolate during spring. One thing I gave up on in anger was a belief in God.

Atheism: The philosophical position that deities do not exist or that rejects theism (in the broadest sense is the belief in at least one deity) in the broadest sense, it is the absence of belief in the existence of deities.

I stayed at this point for quite a bit. I had seen too many good people die while others that seemed to revel in causing grief walked around freely all the time. I watched family mourn the lost of children while men who played with guns breath the air of the free. “What kind of god would do this?” I would ask myself. I still ask myself this in all honesty. I figured that if God existed that he just didn’t give a damn about humans anymore. We were forced to believe in him or rot in a hell away from everyone we loved. This sounded like some really unfair shit and I didn’t want to be a part of it.

Agnostic: The philosophical view that the truth value of certain claims — particularly metaphysical claims regarding theology, afterlife or the existence of deities, ghosts, or even ultimate reality — is unknown or, depending on the form of agnosticism, inherently impossible to prove or disprove. It is often put forth as a middle ground between theism and atheism though it is not a religious declaration in itself.

This is where I found myself. Calling myself an agnostic rather than an atheist. I knew that the world was a terrible place to be but would not kill myself because, just in case. It was fear of that just in case. Should people who kill themselves be allowed in a place where love conquers all? Hell, no! I figured that I would go through life not fucking anyone over and get a free pass based on what I did in life. I imagined the conversation going something like this.

God: What are you doing here?

Me: Nothing. Just enjoying paradise. You?

God: Wondering how you got past security. You never accepted me in your heart, right?

Me: Naw. I figured you’d give me a Get Out Of Jail Free card or something. I mean, I never killed, hurt, or robbed anyone. I went church a bit and even stopped damning you. So we’re cool, right?

God: Not really, no.

Next thing you know I’m wearing gasoline draws. This is seriously how I figured it should be. Be cool with everyone and God would let you slide. But then I met my lady and started finding out the rules of the game. Boy, was I in for a shocker. The thing is that its more than saying, “Yeah, I believe in God.” You can say that all day but it means fuck all. I started going to church which was something, if you know mItalice, I never do. To go by my own free will took the death of my brother. I hated going to church. Being told that I was going to burn in hell. I had to be baptized. I was being led away by the devil. That I wasn’t a good person because I didn’t come every single Sunday and cough up cash I barely had. You could keep church!

The thing is, I was never one to bash people that went (except convict ass born again Christians but that’s for a whole ‘nother blog!). I would just accept that they believed in this imaginary creature and move on. Yeah, I could talk to anyone of any religion. I have friends that are Christian, Muslim, Atheist, Jewish, Agnostic, and Catholic. I didn’t care what you worshipped as long as you weren’t an asshole. The thing I never got was people that belonged to a religion and bashed others that weren’t. People that told you how bad you were because you didn’t believe what they believed. People that said that you couldn’t love who you were born to love based on your sexuality. That level of intolerance I could not stand and still cant. I just kept to myself and let others live how they wanted as long as they didn’t fuck with me. That was close to the Dantania motto: “Do What You Want Just Leave Me The Fuck Out Of It!”

Anyway, so I started going to church and was prepared for the same old bullshit. I actually waited for it. When are they gonna tell me that God hates fags? When are they gonna drag me on stage and make me confess my sins and convert? It never happened. I was shocked. The thing is that I became what I had fought against. I grouped people together based on the experiences I had with a few. It was like a form of racism. Are all Christians, Muslims, and Jews good? No. There is no such thing as a perfect group. But I took those few bad examples, watched the news and saw thousands slaughtered in the name of a God and ran with it. I never gave religion a chance and thereby never gave myself a chance. I wasted years being mad at something I told myself I didn’t believe in.

Does that make any sense?

I speak to my lady and cousin about religion and get their point of view on things. They are both Christian but have a different view on various topics. Hey both come from the same place but grew up on different streets if you catch my drift. I listen to podcasts with pastors and hear what they have to say. I read the bible and use what I can in my life. Will I ever learn everything there is to know about the bible? God, no! Its impossible. Will I ever be perfect? Never. Even if I lived to be 1000 I’d never be perfect. But what I can do is learn to be better and that’s what studying the bible has done for me. It has leveled me out mentally in ways I didn’t think were possible. I got this better outlook on life than I previously had. I started getting that Annie “The sun’ll come out tomorrow!” shit in my bones.

How would becoming Christian change me was a question I posed to my lady. Was I gonna be able to write the crazy shit that I write? Would I start acting differently? Will I really have to be baptized in front of a crowd? How would I know when I was even ready to accept a savior? These are all questions that will be answered hopefully sooner than later.

Do we all know what happens when we die? No. Do I want to be focused on fear into making me a religious person? Of course not. That’s a really bad mindset to have when making a decision (unless you’re Liam Neeson in that movie “Taken” when your fear is totally founded). But what if all you had to do was believe? We believe in so much shit in our lives but believing this one thing makes us laugh or doubt so much? Fuck that. I’m sick of hating what I don’t understand while wanting it at the same time. I’m tired of running around in circles mentally when the answer has been around forever. If you all want to continue living as you are right now, go right on ahead. But ask yourself: Just how happy are you as is?


Thursday, April 9, 2009

This Is My Victory Bear!


A few weeks back I went with my best friend/sister Cam to get some toys and stuff for the library. We went to Toys R Us. We played with some stuff that was around and I reminded myself that I still couldn’t use a hula hoop properly. Neither could Cam, so there. As we were leaving I spotted one of those machines with the claw that had stuffed animals in it.

“Time to rock and roll!” I thought to myself and might’ve said out loud.

I walked over to the machine and fished some quarters out of my pocket. Behind me I hear a voice cry out “Don’t!” Its Cam of course telling me not to waste my money.

“How dare you?!” I ask her. “I’m so gonna win this!”

“Mmm-hmm…” she replies as I drop my coins in.

It starts and I let the claw guide me. I ship past the weird bears and dinosaurs. I spot this blue Care Bear and aim for it. I let the claw drop and get a good grip on this guy. It lifts up and I am praying it doesn’t drop. It lands in the slot and, bingo!, I win!

I handed it to Cam as we walked out and told her, “You doubted me? Here. This is a reminder for you of my awesomeness!” She keeps it in the front seat of her car. I call him Angry Bear.


Brouhaha, Babies, Building, and Breakfast

Another day done another day helping Cam at the library. I was mentioning to her that I have only been there three times but it feels like its been more but in a good way.

Again I didn’t show up late but got to her place a little late. I missed the bus by literally a minute and it cost me twenty. I guess it was fine since Cam wasn’t waiting on her porch tapping a watch or something. I gave her an awesome Pearl Jam CD and we left. Again the weather was quite pleasant. We grabbed some apple things from this Mexican place that was the awesomeness.

We started off early by cutting out eggs for the display. We also made some cool chain type things to hang across the kids section. I was so happy that Cam was pleased with the stuff we made. I don’t make arts and crafts much at all and was actually worried that I would show up and just shit all over her designs and ideas. I gave myself a mental high five when she smiled at the stuff we made.

They had me and Cam all concerned with how crazy it was gonna be with the kids and the egg hunt. It was kinda crazy but not really. The kids behaved for the most part and left happy not realizing how lucky they were to be getting all of this name brand candy.

I spent a huge part of the day reading comic books as well. I caught up on Marvel’s “Civil War” and some random Ultimate’s stuff. It was cool. At the end of the day Cam checked out a few comics for me. Her co-workers asked me if I were coming in tomorrow but I’m not. I like her job and the kick back feel it has. I like that no matter where I work I have been able to make a place more chill. That isn’t really needed at this place. Well, except for this one guy that chatters quite a bit.
I had so much fun and look forward to doing it again. I never thought I could have so much fun at a library. I’m glad I could help out my sister with her stuff and hopefully I took some stress out of everyone’s day by doing whatever I could to help.


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

"Where Is My Mind...?" Trois

So I haven’t been going to the therapist on Wednesdays. Yeah, I enjoyed it the first time but just cant bring myself to go again. The first time I missed it was because I didn’t feel like feeling bad. No, the first time I didn’t feel bad but that was more of an introductory deal. The next week she wasn’t there. Then last week I called out. Today I missed it again.

Now, what I mean when I say “I didn’t feel like feeling bad” is that I didn’t feel like rehashing bad shit going on in my life. I have been feeling good lately. If I have a problem I talk about it with my friends or lady. I write about things on my mind. The main reason I was going to this therapist was because I wanted to find out why I was feeling so shitty so consistently. I no longer felt/feel that by talking to this lady that I will get the answer. As cheesy as it sounds the answer is on the inside.

I call myself an introverted extrovert. I am very animated on the inside and rarely let that side of me out. When I am in church and everyone is going crazy I am as well…on the inside. On the inside I am singing and clapping with the best of them. At parties when there is great music playing I am sitting there tapping my fingers and leg. Inside I am rocking the fuck out! When I am furious I sit quietly and listen. On the inside I am raging. I get my stuff out during long conversations and through my art and stories. If something crosses my mind a character will say it, do it, or try to stop someone from doing it. I started to feel like talking to this therapist was going to keep me from growing by having me not just touch on my past and things that hamper me, but get there and stay there.

Some wounds need to heal and ripping the bandaid off while its still bleeding doesn’t always help. Talking about my dead brother to a stranger doesn’t make me feel good. Talking about him with my friends and lady does. No, not all my issues revolve around his death but a lot of feelings that I have do. I am working on them through thoughts, talking, and praying for understanding. The praying thing is still relatively new to me but it feels good. It feels really good, actually.

So my chapter in life involving therapy is over for the time being. I will call and let them know that I will no longer be using their service. I know I’m not done with it forever. Just right now. Right now I need to focus on being a better version of Dante.


Books, Bunnies, Baskets, and BFF's

Once again I went with my best friend/sister from a different mister, Cam, to her job at the library. It was exhausting but fun. The only reason it was exhausting was because I was hungry, sleepy, and went to sleep with too much stuff on my mind. No, not bad things. Just general excitement about the day and work opportunities.

I got to her place pretty fast but not as early as last time. Last time, like I mentioned before, I got there in ten minutes and an hour too early. This time I got there closer to 8am and we left.
Funny how it was supposed to rain all day today. Yeah, so while we’re driving to work with the bright ass California sun in our eyes we damned the weathermen in L.A that are never right. I told her that we should have about sixteen people with webcams that aim out their windows in various points in the city and say, “This is what its like outside!” It would save on the money they waste on these charlatans. We get to her job and chill for a bit.

I helped out all day by stuffing candy into eggs and stuffing baskets. We did this for hours with a co-workers son that rarely talks but couldn’t stop talking around me. Even his mom said to me, “I don’t know what you’re doing but that’s the most I’ve ever heard him talk! I was like ‘Is that him?!’” I have that effect on people.
During the day I had a phone interview for an awesome sounding job nearby. I called and…she wasn’t there. I call back later and she says that its busy and forgot that she even had an interview to conduct. This is me thanking God this wasn’t an in person interview as I would’ve wasted my day. I call the staffing place to let this lady know that I couldn’t get the interview done but I get put on hold for too long. I call the interviewer again and she is gone for the day. Really?

We also made this huge poster for Easter. I made some cotton bunnies and these kids and Cam did the rainbows and skies. I don’t take credit for the ginormous rabbit at the end. That was all some other kids. It was fun seeing kids interested in arts and doing things with their hands that don’t involved sitting in front of a screen all day or playing video games.

After more hours of working on the baskets we are done for the day. We take off and discuss the career of Lenny Kravitz. Is he really talented or were we all fooled by his good looks? Can he actually play guitar? Did cutting his dreads cut his success short? There was some more in there about sexbots and Oedipal love. I had a good day and will head to the library once again tomorrow. Weird not staying up until 3am and waking up at 6am. I miss being useful and hanging with her at her job helps make me feel good. Thanks, sis.