Thursday, July 30, 2015

Teach Me How To Dougie

A teacher is in trouble for a picture taken where two female students are placing their hands on her boobs. This isn't even a shocking thing anymore because we live in this strange new culture where everyone wants to be the cool kid no matter how silly it looks or how much trouble they can get in. 

Amy Douglas is a science and chemistry teacher in Rochester, New York. The picture was taken around a prom that she helped organize and chaperone. The picture has since been deleted off of Instagram and cropped to cover up the two students that helped make this very unsexy image happen. A caption with the photo originally said “Everyone be jealous we got to touch Dougies boobs.” 

No student should be that comfortable with a teacher. Not enough to call them Dougie, touch their boobs, or have the teacher think it is cute/funny to have a picture with her face clearly shown with students touching her breasts. She is being investigated for the photo. The students have now graduated. I know someone is saying that this is just a fun image to which I say be careful. Being a pervatron is a very slippery slope, one that I am all too aware of. My back glistens with oils from the slide of perversity from whence the only hope for a cleansed soul is a religious fervor not seen nor accepted since the 1500's. How wet do you want to get?

What People Care About This Week: Samuel Dubose Murder

As of today 671 people have been killed by police in the United States. When I typed in “How many people have been killed by...” the sentence filled itself in with ...”ISIS” and “...the police in 2015.” On July 19th 43 year old Samuel Dubose of Cincinnati, Ohio and father of thirteen was shot and killed by 25 year old officer Raymond Tensing during a traffic stop over a missing plate. The entire incident was recorded on a body camera which once again made me want to shout at everyone about how having a camera on every cop will not stop them from beating or killing anyone the same way surveillance cameras don't stop crime. Is it better that people that commit these crimes can be caught because there is footage? Yes. But that doesn't bring back someone who was killed for no reason.

Prosecuting attorney Joseph T. Deters stated “It was a senseless, asinine shooting. This doesn't happen in the United States, okay? This might happen in Afghanistan. People don't get shot for a traffic stop.” He also said “This office has probably reviewed upwards of hundreds of police shootings, and this is the first time that we've thought this is without question a murder.”

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

What People Care About This Week: Raynette Turner

Another arrest, another person dying in police custody. This time it was mother of eight kids 42 year old Raynette Turner of Mount Vernon, New York. While waiting for arraignment after being arrested for shoplifting she was found dead in her holding cell. Her husband of 23 years, Herman Turner is not taking this lightly. “Sounds like a cover-up to me. If they Mount Vernon police did their job she would still be alive. I want somebody's head to roll on this. I am not going to rest until I get some type of justice for my wife. That's the bottom line.”

So far the officials results have been inconclusive as to how she died. Herman wasn't even sure that his wife was arrested on Friday of Saturday for stealing crab legs where she was found a short distance away from by police. He was told she was complaining of feeling ill on Monday and was found dead on Tuesday. He didn't find out that his wife was dead until two detectives showed up at his house to tell him. “We know she was requesting medical treatment and it seems that, at some level, the system and the protocols that the city was following failed.”

Good Vibrations Gone Bad

I saw this story and asked a friend if 24 year old Vanquesia Hatisha Lowe qualified as a Certified Bastard and after realizing that she didn't meet the criteria for such a title (mean, evil, dangerously ignorant) I decided to plop her down here. This Florida resident was arrested last week after she stile a glass dildo from a Spencer's gift shop that cost about $25. Lowe put it in her purse after opening it and skidaddled. She was caught at another store in the mall and at first said she didn't do anything before finally handing it over to a store manager. This entire situation is embarrassing.

Is it said in a police report that she didn't think that she would get caught. I would hope that someone that steals something has more confidence in themselves. “I can do this! I am gonna steal this dildo and get myself off with ill gotten goods!” She was released on $500 bond. 

Different sites keep referring to it as a vibrator and made of glass which in and of itself is a ridiculous conclusion to make. It is likely acrylic and there is no way those take batteries unless you make one yourself and like living in the danger zone. The acrylic type of dildos can be warmed up in the microwave which should make you look at your single female friends that live alone and openly talk about their sex toys a little bit differently when they offer to warm up a meal for you.  

Friday, July 24, 2015

Dante Vs. Nature 54

People are as dumb as nature is dangerous. A 43 year old woman from Mississippi got her ass flipped in the air by a bison at Yellowstone National Park because she decided to take a selfie near one. This is the fifth person just this year to get a taste of zero gravity because for some reason they think that bison aren't dangerous. You know what I see when I look at a bison? Angry history. Ain't no bison in Africa. That shit isn't in my DNA to be okay around them. Black people get tattoos of lions, tigers, and dragons because those are native to Africa so deep inside we feel some kind of connection. But not no damn bison.

This lady was standing six yards, or in layman's terms “Too goddamn close!”, to one when she took her picture, tasted the rainbow, and got some minor injuries. A district ranger named Colleen Rawlings said “People need to recognize that Yellowstone wildlife is wild, even though they seem docile. This woman was lucky that her injuries were not more severe.”

Cop/Porn Actress

This cute ass cop in Miami is in trouble for possibly doing porn while still being a cop. Sabine Raymonvil has said while being investigated that she did it before joining the force eight years ago. I have looked up some images from her films for...research.

She looks better as a cop than a porn actress. I'm not sure how much porn you've watched but Black chicks tend to wear a ton of makeup and only take care of the front of their hair. Next thing you know their weave moves and their roots look like mine. Its not cute and I am rambling. The biggest problem with her besides possibly losing her career because she likes to bang on film and bad wigs is the company she keeps.

I Went To The Wrong Schools

(editors note: once again Evil Dante will be writing this particular post and none of the opinions expressed by Evil Dante represent the view of no sex having, cell phone shunning, long fingered weirdo Dante)

I'm sick of this shit! When I was a kid teachers were in their early 50's and only started teaching to save money for their cat fund. They had names like Mrs. Webb with her melted fingertips. Miss Leonard with her crooked wig. They sure as fuck weren't 24 years old and just old enough to teach you how to do make up, take a decent selfie, or get away with not having a personality. This is former New Jersey Catholic high school teacher Fatima Grupico. Say her name three times and you'll get a boner!

She taught history at Cardinal McCarrick High School and was arrested and charged with sexual assault and endangering the welfare of a child after it was discovered that she was boning a 17 year old student. They had sex when the school was closed due to low enrollment. There is no explanation how she was caught. I always assume that either the boy talked, they sent a shit ton of texts, or a nosy ass parent found out. Either way you can't blame any 17 year old boy from aiming for the fences.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Teacher Is Freaky Naughty

(editors note: this post was written by Evil Dante. The views expressed by Evil Dante do not represent the view of regular, boring ass, ironing loving, thigh admirer, socially awkward Regular Ass Dante)

Holy shit! I remember a few years back when all these female teachers started banging their students. They were like a 6 or 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. We are now at a point where strong 8's and up are having sex with students and I hate it. I am jealous. I don't like being jealous, especially of teenagers because teenagers suck. They are selfish, arrogant, and stink of latex and/or weed. This teacher 32 year old Nicole McDonough was indicted on three counts for having the sex with three 18 year old students. I'd just fucking drop out of school and make this all nice and legal. She is hot in that sad way some girls can be. 

She tried to get a pretrial intervention which would've been dismissed with a guilty verdict and the courts were all like “Nope.” Nicole was looking for and having sex with students and each of the teens said that they did not feel victimized. At least they're honest. Her lawyer Timothy Smith said “If ever there was a victimless crime, this is it.” I concur...because I'm a horrible person.

Mystery Man Leaves Mysteries

Miss J. made me aware of this crazy ass story about this guy identified as Jeffrey Alan Lash. You would think that the fact that his decomposed body was found in a car after sitting there for days would be strange enough. Or the fact that police found over 1.200 guns, almost seven tons of ammo, knives, bows and arrows, knives, and $230,000 in case. Nope. Its that his fiancees family says that he was an alien hybrid that was working for the government. Oh. They also found an SUV that was built to drive underwater as well as fourteen other cars registered in his name.

This guy may have been James Bond.

Lash had told Catherine Nebron that was working undercover for unnamed agencies. Her defense attorney said Harland Braun said “The story itself sounds totally crazy, but then how do you explain all this? There's no evidence he was a drug dealer or he stole these weapons, or had any criminal source of income, no stolen property, all the stuff you'd look for.”

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

What People Care About This Week: Troy Goode & Sandra Bland

Been a hell of a last few days regarding the use of force by police. Well, a hell of a last few years particularly. 30 year old Troy Goode died two hours after arriving at a hospital after being arrested by police after a concert in Memphis, Tennessee. The lawyer for the family, Tim Edwards, reported that the asthmatic was placed face down on a stretcher and hogtied by Mississippi because he was being disruptive. “His face was buried in the mattress of the stretcher. There was a strap over the back of his head so he couldn't move his head. His hands and feet were hogtied so he couldn't move those, either.” This was recorded on video.

It is being investigated whether or not Goode and his friends were intoxicated before the show. “That'll be determined by the toxicology screen. Whatever was ingested, it was done by all five of them” Edwards said. Police have already been using the phrase “alleged LSD overdose” before any real information has been released to disavow any responsibility. The family meanwhile believes that excessive force may have been a contributing factor in his death. The family has asked for an investigation to begin but as of me writing this none have begun.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Running Your Mouth

Guys like to talk a lot of shit. Its just a thing that we enjoy. I like to talk shit as much as the next guy but I understand that there are certain times when running my mouth doesn't fit the situation and certain people that I don't run my mouth to. Not everyone knows this and they end up looking at a paramedic being asked how many fingers they see. 

When I was younger I thought that only kids and teenagers got into fights because they ran their mouth. I was so wrong. It never stops. You can see a 40 year old guy giving the finger an screaming at someone and the next thing you now he is screaming for help as someone who doesn't play by the same rules is yanking his dumb ass out the car.

A grown ass man knows not to run his mouth. Running your mouth is different than talking a lot. Talking a lot someone can say “Fuck, he won't shut up.” That's me. Running your mouth will have someone say “This bitch about to get knocked the fuck out.” As a grown ass man you shouldn't even hang out with another guy that runs his mouth. Why? Because he's gonna get your ass kicked or you're gonna have to jump in while he's getting his ass kicked. There are guys walking around testing everyone because they think that they can whip any ass. Its not true. We can all be beaten. And don't assume that because you are using your fists that the other guy is. There are a lot of guys walking around with scars and headaches because they didn't shut up. Don't be one of them.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Monday, July 20, 2015

All Of The Happy

You see this crazy looking dinosaur? I have been searching for this for 29 years. It is a Hasbro Be Mores Blue “Surprise” Dragon Dinosaur and I found it online last week after almost three decades of telling people that I once had a dinosaur that transformed into a cow with wings and sounding like a lunatic. It turns out that it was not a cow but a dragon inside but close enough. They both provide milk.

The story behind me losing possession of this when I was about 7 years old involves a broken family, being hit by a car, and coming to the realization that I was not liked by the people I assumed had to love me. When this was left behind and I couldn't get it back I was like “But...we know where it is. We can just go get it. Why won't we just go get it? Its mine! I love it! Let's get it!” But we never did and I have no idea where it ended up.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

My Worst Nightmare

This is 29 year old Delia Priem and she is my worse nightmare. She was arrested in Largo, Florida after attacking her boyfriend. Why? Because she was secretly taping him watching porn even though he made a promise to because sometimes we have to do that as guys to make women feel better. Its stupid. We need to stop that. She woke her dude up by slapping him in the face at 2:40am which is just rude. Then she started throwing stuff at him but missed. 

She was arrested on a misdemeanor battery charge and was released on her own recognizance because woman. This isn't her first dance with the devil. In April she was arrested for drunk driving. Chicks need to stop asking their men to not watch porn unless they aren't banging them because of the porn. And if that is the case they need to have a talk because not many guys will choose to watch a video than have the actual sex unless there are some funk issues, she is bad in bed (yes, that is an actual thing!), or he is just lazy as hell. Maybe she didn't like the particular pornos he was watching. Like, sometimes a guy will be dating a skinny White chick but be all about them BBW Ebony videos. She can't compete with that! 

Grown Ass Man Tips: Borrowing Money

No grown ass man likes owing money. What is worse is having to borrow it in the first place. But the absolute worse thing is loaning money to someone and having to fight to get it back. There is a family member that I was already on the fence about that owes me almost $500 that I don't even want to hear from. 

People say when you loan a family member money that you might as well never expect to get it back. That shouldn't be true. I had to borrow $500 a couple of months ago and gave it back immediately. Did it hurt me to give it back financially? A tiny bit. But the feeling of owing money for me is way worse. Well, at least for me. I actually get physically ill. 

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Kids These Days 57

My cousin JP told me about this ‪#‎DontJudgeMeChallenge‬ because she knows how to poke a sleeping monster. Literally. I woke up and she sent me a post telling me to check this challenge out. I did. Now I hate the world a tiny bit more. In this challenge that isn't really a challenge people that think they are hot draw all over their faces and do things to make themselves unattractive only to reveal that...surprise! I'm actually someone you'd want to fuck.

On the list of things that you can be judged for are bad skin (scars, acne), glasses, a unibrow, and wild hair. This challenge is the perfect example of why I like women that wear little to absolutely no makeup. That's not you. I talked to Quinno about this once and asked how it'd look if I showed up somewhere with a ponytail and my face a different color than my neck. That shit wouldn't fly because I'm an alleged man. I love how you have to get makeup now that doesn't make your already suffering skin suffer more. These same women that are doing this wouldn't be caught leaving the house with no makeup on and use more in their daily lives than in this challenge.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Is This Yo Thot?

I was watching TMZ and they showed the story of Christine Chisholm known as Tina that is trying to sue rapper(?) 2 Chainz for a video he posted online titled #IsThisYoThot. In it he is trying to figure out who she is and why she is backstage at his show. For those that don't know what a THOT is I'll leave it to Urban Dictionary to provide a very good description.

(Noun) An individual with a number of concurrent sex partners that is well above the established cultural norm. These individuals have coitus for the purpose of sexual pleasure, approval, or to fulfill an emotional void. These individuals may or may not have sexually transmitted infections however this term is still applies to whores with safe sex practices. These acts are not for the exchange for illicit narcotics or monetary/economic gain as observed in prostitutes, crackheads, junkies, or gold diggers. (it is important to note that ones sexual indiscretions must be well known within the community in order for ones “Thot” status to be identifiable). The term itself is of urban origins translates to the acronym “That Hoe Over There.”

Now, I have seen the video and when asked who she is and not responding, warned that she was in a blog zone, and told to leave (after letting them see her ass in those fucking high waisted stone washed jeans that are in style) she said “Aw shit! This is going on a blog, for real?! This is going on a blog and you're really recording? Do I look good? You guys can follow me at Iluvtinaa on Instagram.” Right there she loses all credibility as someone that will sue. You'd think.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Nail Care

There are a lot of guys out there that talk mad shit when a woman doesn't have her nails done yet they walk around with their nails looking like they feed alligators by hand. Its not hard to take care of your nails and women do notice when you do (as do I). I personally keep my nails very short because its not fun using my punching bag with long nails and because I have hair right now and I don't like having long nails and hair at the same time.

But if you insist on having nails where white shows please clean them. It takes a minute. If you think you don't have the time to clean your nails then you shouldn't have time to be reading this. Just get a pointed nail file and get to work. If you're gonna shape your nails learn which shape works for what you do activity wise. If you're over the age of 12 you should under no circumstances be biting your nails! You're a grown ass man! You're probably thinking “My lady hasn't said anything...” and that's because she has so many other complaints about you that you're hobo nails are the least of her concerns.  

Dante Saves You: Terminator Edition

When I was a kid the future was about getting my hands on a laser gun, hover board, or teleporter because fuck walking anywhere. Then movies like Terminator came along and made you afraid of the future. They had you thinking that one day computers would wake up, yawn, and start using our blood for lubricant. Over time though these movies made me realize that the future could be changed because there were an unlimited amount of time machines so if you went back to change something and fucked up you could just get a do over.

In this Dante Saves You: Terminator Edition I'm gonna walk your terrified ass through four of the films. I'd help you with the fifth but I haven't seen that garbage yet. Yes, I judge before seeing. Why? Because I'm the founder of Dantania and that is how we roll. Judge first, facts later is the best way to live. Oh, you think that's wrong? Well, have fun when that buff ass naked guy you took home turns out to be a monster from the future here to kill you for some shit you ain't even done yet!

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Firework Deaths Never Need To Happen

Devon Staples, 22, of Maine/Florida died after a fireworks mortar exploded on his head. This year there have been a lot of firework related accidents. Folks having hands blown off, chunks of legs removed, and so forth. 

There was another death but it was a little Black kid (12 year old Antonio Brade) so its not really getting as much attention as the strapping young Devon. By the way, this is going to be so all over the place. A roller coaster of opinions even.

As you can imagine there was drinking involved in this incident. Devon and his friends were blowing up fireworks when Devon placed one over his head. His brother Cody said “I was the first one who got there. There was no rushing him to the hospital. There was no Devon left when I got there. It was a freak accident...but Devon was not the kind of person who would do something stupid. He was the kind of person who would pretend to do something stupid to make people laugh...We're thinking he was just waving his lighter around just joking and he might have caught part of it and just lit it wrong. The pressure from the explosion that was supposed to be 50 feet in the air, exploded directly above his head. It did not take it off. It made a 'whump' sound, like a failed explosion.”

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Idiot Gets Fired For Being Idiot

Its so strange to me that people still post things on their Facebook page that gets them fired. People will have their coworkers that will rat them out, their page public, or just flat ot don't give a fuck about what they post. 

This 32 year old guy Ryan Uhler of Florida (of course!) thought he was being funny when he posted a comment comparing the legalization of gay marriage to marrying his dog. He wrote “How is marrying a dog different if you love them? Today I hope we can focus on doggy-style love. I love my dog Rocco, and he loves me. Hopefully one day we can be married.” I just heard all of you sigh heavily. 

Soon after his job, Grace Investment Group, laid his ass off as a digital marketing specialist. Hmm. This whole thing is starting to sound like a terrible ploy to advertise himself. Sure there are better ways to do it. “I was blindsided. I didn't think anyone there knew how to use Facebook.” Oh, I see he's a smart ass too. He said that he posts things on his Facebook to get reactions out of people and to get conversations going. That is all fine and well but obviously he didn't know his audience well and now his ass is fired.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Throwing Off The Curve

In life there are some people that just throw the whole curve off by doing more than they need to. Pilot Jessica Cox ain't got no damned arms and has learned how to surf, play the piano, and get a black belt in Tae Kwan Do. Oh, and then she decided to learn how to fly a plane. I mean, come on! Six years ago she became the first pilot do get a license flying using just her feet. Harrison Ford has both arms and can't keep them shits in the sky. 

I have both arms and refuse to surf because the ocean is nature's buffet, I haven't played piano since I was little, and what I know of fighting comes from having older brothers and video games, and I have never even been on a plane. Well, according to movies it doesn’t seem all that hard. Just pull a lever when you need to go up and push it down when you wanna land, right? I have both my arms and can't do the shit this woman is and that’s awesome. But seriously. Tone it down a notch. You’re making look bad in front of the womenfolk.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Dante Bitches About Elle Decor

The family pictured above is not the actual family discussed in this post. Dashuh sent me an article from Elle Decor in which a writer by the name of Sarah Scott talked about the pain of having to make a huge sacrifice to have her dream home. I will include parts of her post in this. When I first read it I thought it was a gag article. When Dashuh first sent it I wondered why the comment section was on fire because of a woman talking about what she and her husband had to do to get their dream home. Then I read it and my eyes were rolling so much that it was hard to focus on what I was reading.

By the way, I will say that Dashuh does not support the views expressed in the article because she is a logical human being.

“We built a luxury dream home but can only afford to have two children. Most people do not understand this statement.”

This is very true. Most of us are smart enough to never say that out loud to friends let alone write about it in a widely read magazine (online). I mean, who still reads magazine? What is this? 1998? Also, what is this “luxury” you speak of? Does it come in bacon flavor?

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Conjoined Twins Make More Questions Than Answers

You have some weird ass conversations at 3am. I was with some coworkers and someone brought up the topic of those conjoined twins on TLC which really needs to replace the meaning of the L in their name. I'd seen these two before and heard their story. Their names are Abigail Loraine “Abby” Hensel and Brittany Lee Hensel. They are 25 years old and born connected in what appears to be a terribly uncomfortable position. I couldn't imagine being this close to another human being, but since they were born this way and know no others its different.

Abby (5'2”) and Brittany (4'10”) have two heads (of course), two spines that merge, each control an arm and a leg, one rib cage, two hearts, two stomachs, four lungs, one liver, three kidneys, one vagina, and one b-hole. those last two would bother me. You can be sitting there watching your food intake because you like doing number two just once a day but your other half is shoveling Burger King into her mouth and making you go to the bathroom. Since you have control of one of the arms and legs you can decide to just not walk.