Friday, November 18, 2016

Johnny Panic: Street Walkin' Cheetah Part 1 of 3

I know it sounds bad but sometimes I forget that I'm a father. I know that I win Sexiest Man Alive pretty much every year, I'm the most powerful human to ever exist ever, and the coolest person you know. Johnny Panic. Hello. Is that a new shirt? No? Well, it looks great. The blue really brings out the love your have for me in your eyes. Don't deny it. I don't care. You know its true, so accept it.

“Do you have everything?” Ronica asks me while I pack Milly's bag for the day...which I will immediately toss on the roof when I leave. I put in a spare pair of clothes. You'll find out why later. Some snacky nyum nyum's. And juice. That's all a kid pretty much needs in life. Ronica goes through the bag and removes everything I packed and puts in stuff adults thinks kids need to survive. She knows Milly is tough but she has no idea how tough. Because I'll never tell her. She'd kill me if she knew the crazy shit me and our baby have done so I could find out just how strong she is.

We've flown into volcanoes, stopped bank robberies, put a fire out in an orphanage which is the cheesiest superhero thing I've ever done, bitch slapped sharks, and the most dangerous of all...drank water in India. Trust me. I had a hard time explaining to Ronica why our daughter was peeing out of her butt for three days. I blamed it on her moms muffins. Milly is just over 1 years old and has shown more abilities than I did at her age. I was about 7 when I first flew. All the other cool shit came later. Milly can fly. Well, if I'm being honest its more like floating. You take her off her string and she'll just go straight up. She can't be hurt in any way we've discovered. She has my sonic scream. And she laughs in the face of danger. 

Like right now.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

How Donald Trump Won And Why Its Your Fault

That is the most click bait title ever written. If you told me that I could pick between explosive diarrhea for the next four years or uncontrollable vomiting I would ask you “Can I just say no?” If you told me yes I would just walk away. I don't want either of those things. That is how I viewed this previous election with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. I saw two big problems and a small solution in Gary Johnson. “Who?” someone just asked. Exactly. People continually bitch about this two party system we have while voting for people that represent those two parties exclusively because “Go team go!” Everyone wants to belong to a team. Not me. Lone wolf up in this bitch.

You know Trump isn't a Republican right? He had to get into that party because he knows how stupid people are and they cant conceive of the notion of voting for a third party candidate or outside what they think is theirs no matter what. Folks are still washing the taste of Ross Perot out of their mouth. Before 1987 and from 2001 to 2009 he voted Democrat. From 1999 to 2001 he voted Reform. In 2011 – 2012 he was Independent. He is still Independent but he knows that wont work so he hopped on the Republican ticket. And guess what? The shit worked. He is now your President. Decades ago Hillary was Republican but we wont talk about that because girl power.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Body Shaming Leads To Possible Jail Time

Earlier in the summer I wrote a post about the 29 year old Playmate named Dani Mathers after she took a Snapchat image of an older one in the gym nude and posted it online (click here to check that out). I said that nothing would happen to her because reasons and it turns out I am wrong. Los Angeles city attorney has filed criminal charges against Mathers citing invasion of privacy which is a misdemeanor. She of course apologized and said things like “That was absolutely wrong and not what I meant to do...I know that body-shaming is wrong. That is not the type of person I am.” Sure you're not.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2016

I came this close to not bitching about Maxim Magazine and their Maxim Hot 100 this year. I have spent so much of it enjoying myself and/or complaining about so many other things in the world this slipped on by. I do one of these every year for the past few and each time they manage to get worse. This one has to be by far the worse list they have none not just because there is barely any goddamn variety but also because I don't know who the fuck most of these women even are.

I'm gonna do like normal and cover some of the women from 100 all the way to the top ten because by that point I'll be good and pissed off at the amount of not ass this list has. Seriously. Almost every woman on this list are like palette swaps of the same person but with deeper tans than others. This thing really makes me believe more and more that its made up. And before you ask none of these hot ass women made the list.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 13

In this episode I talk about finding a shitty thong on the sidewalk, Halloween as a child, and share some stories of playing pranks on my mother and what happened when I gave her the middle finger. Blame Jasmine for this episode. Click here to download previous episodes.