Friday, February 27, 2009

Rammin' Speed!!!


“Slaves to the King of Kings. And slaves to love. Steer the ship by the sweat. Of our brow and beat of the drum. War against sin with the weapons of our unity. Right on the mark with a love for humanity. Building up to ramming speed. The power of God is ramming speed.” - Ramming Speed by Deliverance

Ram-Man's first appearance is in the early Mattel mini-comic "He-Man Meets Ram Man". In this comic Ram-Man is portrayed as a loner who lives on a stretch of barren land.

He will attack anyone who crosses his land, believing their intention is to fight him, and although his past is not delved into it is implied he had retreated to this stretch of land after being continuously victimized by others. The story began with He-Man crossing his land, and despite stating his peace, Ram-Man disbelieves him and attacks him. Left with no choice but to fight Ram-Man, He-Man fights back and quickly beats him.

Humiliated by this defeat, Ram-Man swears to get revenge on He-Man, and his confusion is taken advantage of by Skeletor, who was spying on the fight. Skeletor tricks Ram-Man into believing He-Man is evil, and leads him to Castle Grayskull, where he forces Ram-Man into ramming the jaw bridge repeatedly to gain entry to the castle, where Ram-Man believes He-Man is. When The Sorceress witnesses Skeletor's attempt to break into Grayskull, she calls He-Man to her aid, who releases Ram-Man from Skeletor's clutches and drives away the villain. Realizing he had been tricked and that He-Man means him no harm, Ram-Man befriends He-Man and joins the Heroic Warriors.

I’m a huge Ram Man mark. I’m not even sure why. When I was little I don’t remember asking for his toy. He was on the cartoon, like, once. But there was something about him that made me bound with his character. Maybe it was the fact that we were both short. Maybe it was the fact that we both had hard ass heads. Maybe it was the way neither if us could bend our elbows. Whatever it was, it always stuck with me.

Ram Man came with an axe. A big ass axe. But I lost it. Maybe I didn’t lose it. My brother Luther had a strange habit of biting the weapons of my toys like He-Man, Voltron, and G.I Joe. I’d be looking for my toys and they would either be in his mouth or on the floor with teeth marks all over them. It never failed. He would eat my toys!

Ram Man didn’t need no damned axe though. Ram Man was a human weapon. A one man gang. Look at that head! He could knock down walls if he felt like it. The cool thing about the toy was the switch on his heel. You’d crunch him down making him even shorter (way to go, God…), and then press that switch and he would, uh, ram. Pretty simple. Don’t knock his hustle. If they had a guy named Push Fella or Shove Lad you wouldn’t talk shit. Why you gotta hate on Ram Man?

Whenever I see Ram Man I smile. He reminds me that for as much as I bitch about my childhood that there was something that made me smile. I love Ram Man.


Round 2...Fight!!!


National Ledger - Rihanna is out of Punta Mita, Mexico and into the arms of Chris Brown TMZ.Com is reporting. Where are they? According to people they are shacking up at Sean Combs house. What? An earlier report from Life & Style Weekly gave a hint this could happen. The magazine notes that understandably, Rihanna is getting a lot of pressure to cut Chris Brown out of her life, and even those in Chris’ camp are suggesting the two distance themselves from each other right now.

"Everyone around them, especially their families, just wants them to stay as far apart as possible until this whole thing gets figured out,” says a Chris family insider. “It’s just all so complicated right now.”

But Rihanna may need friends and family to back off as well, says the Rihanna insider: "The thing that’s hurting her worst of all right now is the pressure she’s getting from her management and family to write Chris off. You’ve got to remember, after she left the hospital, she met up with him at the hotel. She’s not ready to leave him."Even with the stakes so high, Rihanna may take Chris back. "The people in her life are telling her she could lose everything if she stays with Chris,” notes the Rihanna insider.“But she loves him - and may want to work this all out."

Tell me you didn’t see this one coming? Much like the punches Chris Brown threw at Rihanna’s face, some people knew this would happen eventually but hoped that it wouldn’t. How many women will take a dude back after he beats their ass? Too many.

This isn’t just because they are both well known. This happens all over the world. Right this moment (and it doesn’t matter when you are reading this) a lady is getting her face smashed by some guy. And you know what? The next day she’s making him breakfast. This is why so many assholes get away with this shit. Or murder. If you’re in a relationship and a guy hits you, leave. Don’t stay together for the kids. That’s bullshit. Just go.

The same goes for guys. You have a chick that nails you? Leave. What do you have to gain by staying in these kinds of relationships? Everywhere these two go from now on we’ll all know that he hit her and beat the crap out of her. No matter what they accomplish, this shadow will always linger. Murderers are forgiving more than some guy that beats a chick. Its so stupid and will happen again. Just wait and see. No matter the reasons she “made” him hit her as some are speculating, he didn’t need to beat her as bad as that photo shows.

I’m sure he will still have fans. Hell, I know he will. He still does. There were people shouting, “Fuck Rihanna! She did something to make him hit her!” This is giving me a headache. I’m allergic to stupid shit. This is too heavy. I’ll end with a horrible joke.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you haven’t told her twice already.


Thursday, February 26, 2009

Some People, I Swear...

LOS ALAMITOS - The mayor has sent an apology for an e-mail sent to a local businesswoman and community volunteer that she says is racist and offensive.

Keyanus Price, an African American, said she was appalled when she received an e-mail from Mayor Dean Grose's personal account that showed a picture of the White House with a watermelon patch imposed as the White House garden.

"I was horrified when I read that e-mail," Price said. "What I'm concerned about is how can this person send an e-mail out like this and think it is OK?" Being a public official, Price said, made the matter worse. "He's putting the city into a bad place, and he is a liability," Price wrote in an e-mail.

Gross sent an e-mail apology to Price, her boss and the City Council saying he did not intend to be offensive. He also called and left Price a message, he said. "It was just poor judgment on my part, and I am deeply sorry," he said. "It wasn't meant to hurt her."

Price said she wanted a public apology for the e-mail and today contacted The Orange County Register to share the brief exchange that took place on Sunday. Grose's e-mail included the picture with a heading that read, "No Easter Egg hunt this year."

"I think he's saying that since there's a Black president, there will be no need to hunt for eggs since they're growing watermelons in the front yard this year," Price wrote. She responded to the e-mail with: "Hey, that's not nice at all. Not all Black people like watermelon…you should know better than that."

Gross replied: "The way things are today, you gotta laugh every now and then. I wanna see the coloring contests." Price said Grose's response upset her more.

"As soon as I saw his response; that put me over the top because it was no big deal to him," she said.

Now normally I’m one of the first people to tell Black people to call the hell down when it comes to certain racial things. I have no problem with White comedians using the N-word most times and stuff like that. But this is just retarded. What was this guy thinking?

I know that people send nasty or crazy shit to each other in emails at work. Those kinds of jobs leave a lot of free time. Sure, they should be actually working to make the city, states, and country a better place. But sometimes you gotta goof off. But this? Really?

Not everyone has the same sense of humor. For every 2 people that would laugh at this picture, 3 would think its not that funny, 1 wouldn’t get it, and 4 would be offended. This goofy bastard just sent it to the wrong person. His apology would do nothing. I’m not sure having him fired would help or change anything either. At this point we need to start bringing back public humiliation. No, not the Spanish Donkey (look it up). But something to let this asshat know that what he did is not only stupid, but a waste of time. Its not even a matter of “not all Black people like watermelon.” it’s a matter of “Get to work, jackass and watch who you send this kinda shit to!”



Little Rock, Ark - When Nigel Haskett stepped in to defend a woman at the Little Rock, Ark., fast-food restaurant where he worked, police called him a hero -- but now that it's time to pay his ongoing medical bills, the restaurant's insurance company has essentially told him to be a hero on his own time.

Last August when a man walked in and allegedly began assaulting a female customer -- his girlfriend. The incident was caught on the restaurant's surveillance camera.

"He struck her in the face, knocked her down and that's when Nigel came to her rescue," said Lt. Terry Hastings of the Little Rock Police Department. Despite the burden of lawsuits and his injury, Haskett still believes it was the right thing to do and said he would do it again.

"I ask myself that question, many, many, many times over. Uh, yes sir I would," the former McDonald's employee said. "I just felt like that's the right thing to do…even if it would have killed me."

This guy needs a fucking medal of honor or something. The fact that he has to fight for some form of compensation is ridiculous. No, he is not required to save someone as an employee of McDonald’s. But as a human he did what was right.

I wont even go into what bullshit I believe insurance companies are. Was this guy supposed to just let the woman get beaten and keep cooking in the meantime? I don’t get it. We already live in a world where there are enough assholes and folks that just don’t give a damn to make a show called “What Would You Do?” in which they set up fucked up situations to see what we would do.

This kid has a $300,000 medical bill because he was shot three times doing what was right, not what was his job. I would hope if my lady, friends, or sister were being attacked someone would do something and not worry about if it was in their job description.


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Anger Management

Thomas Mitchell was found guilty for aggravated assault in the shooting of his girlfriend. He shot her because he thought she was going to say the word "New Jersey." His lawyer said certain words caused Mitchell to snap such as "Wisconsin," "New Jersey," "Snickers," and "Mars."

Mitchell who is 54, covered his ears in court when these words were about to be said. The witnesses had to use flashcards instead. Mitchell was said to be troubled but not crazy. On March 19, 1999 Mitchell was convicted to shooting his girlfriend three times because he thought she was going to say "New Jersey." His girlfriend however survived the attack and died from other causes before the trial had begun.

Oh, when I read this story I was like, “It’s like they’re talking to me!” No, I wont shoot anybody but there are certain things that make me feel like I’m gonna snap or something when I hear them. But before I start, may I state how fucked up the chick he shot must be as she survived being shot three times by her man and then died some other way before trial? I mean, sheesh…

There are certain words that I cant stand. The words either just sound horrible or gross me out. Words like:



Horrible ass words. And then there are songs and artists that make me go crazy. Anita Baker and Sade are the main offenders. I hate their voices. I don’t know what it is. I remember a few years ago there was some chick that when she heard Sean Paul she would have seizures. Its not that bad with me though. I just find their voices close to painful. And there is that new commercial with that song that goes “Take me away!” I hate that song. I cringe whenever it comes on. And that boy from the “Zoom Zoom!” commercials. If you ever want me to tear down a building with my bare hands or take on an entire army here’s what you gotta do.

Get an iPod.

Set it to play in a loop “Sweetest Taboo” by Sade and “Sweeter Love” by Anita Baker while having some device that pinches me (I hate being pinched).

Tell me the kid from the “Zoom Zoom!” commercial is inside.

Let loose.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Ask A Black Guy

On a message board I got the idea to have people ask questions of a Black person. It was just for the hell of it but turned out to be really fun. It spawned other threads such as “Ask A Jew”, “Ask A Gay Guy”, “Ask The Irish”, “Ask A Native New Yawkah”, and “Ask The French.” Below are the questions in bold and my responses. Rockets.

Pretty simple. As one of the few Black guys on this damned board I will answer any question you've always wanted to ask a Black dude but didn't because: 1. You don’t know any. 2. You were afraid to get punched or jumped. 3. You know better.

How does it feel to be the only Black man with a small penis? Is that too racist?

Not racist at all. Actually my own is large(ish) but not all Black guys have large ones. I worked in a porn shop and have watched tons of porn flicks. I feel bad for Black guys with small dicks because when they get down with a chick there's this expectation already set.

Did you get teased being the only black guy on the short bus? Oh btw there's this black guy where I work and he sells flowers, do you know him?

There were plenty of Black people on my short bus. One year we actually had to ride a small bus (#45c) and people teased the shit out of us. It sucked but we had the hottest driver so that helped. And not all Black people know each other. I still get that in real life. I have a very common last name and anyone named Ross is somehow my cousin or some shit.

Why are there so many black guys (and girls) with stupid names?

See, I can sit here and mention how many cultures have crazy ass names. There are people from countries everywhere that have names that make me go "...the fuck?!" But, yeah. Blacks tend to have some ghetto ass names. The reason is usually "Its African." That was the old excuse. Now its just mothers being stupid. A messed up name can stop you from getting a job. Names that end with "-isha", "-niqua", and "-quisha" tend to match the person. So blame the parents for the names and the kids for not changing them when they grow up.

Is it true all black men secretly love 80’s pop music and when no one white is around, the ghetto fab gangsters sitting on the bench in the projects bust out the best of the 80’s and dance? "You spin me right round, baby right round like a record, baby Right round round round." Cuz, ya know, I've heard things.

It is very true. If you read an interview with the hardest rapper it turns out they grew up on NWA, Public Enemy, and Wham! I loved Culture Club. My brother raps and as badass as his Muslim gangsta music is, I know for a fact that he grew up singing "Wake me up before ya go-go!" All Black men have a little Carlton Banks inside. We probably know more 80's songs than White girls our same ages.

When is the right time to strong-arm a hoe? What the hell is this (image of Farnsworth Bentley)?

The Y2J situation is a good example of when its time to knock someone down a notch. "Hoes" in general tend to hang with men that manhandle them and bitch and moan about it, but still stick with them. I know. I have plenty of them in my family. If you're gonna stronghold or "choke a bitch" make sure she doesn't have a gaggle of brothers. Or worse, cousins. Cousins just don’t give a fuck.
That is Farnsworth Bentley. I don’t really like his rhymes but I do like his style. Very few can pull that look off successfully. The thing is that you have to be rich to do it or know where to get rich looking clothes. Being broke and dressing rich don’t mix.

Why does B.E.T. still exist?

Because Black people love watching other Black people no matter how stupid or uninteresting they are. UPN stole a bit of their thunder with their lineup for a while but eventually it failed. Also, having a channel like this just pissed people off as there is no WET (White Entertainment Television), CET (Chinese Entertainment Television), or MET (Mexican Entertainment Television).

Oh and why do you guys always put stuff in your hair? What happens when you don’t?

Depends on what type of hair you're talking about. I tend to shave my head so if I don’t put oil or lotion on it gets ashy. Grease helps keep hair from looking dried out. If the hair is permed and you don’t condition it properly it will look fried and 'fro up. Plus, Blacks are very vain about our appearances whether its good or bad.

Do all black women have 3 inch long fake nails? And do all black people have a "Big Momma"? And what do black people REALLY think about Tyler Perry and his constantly wanting to play Aunt Madia in all of his movies?

Not all of them but a lot. My girl had some long ass nails and I convinced her to finally get rid of them. It was a waste of money and ruined her actual nails. Most Blacks have a Big Mama. Mine is big literally and I don’t call her "mama." Sometimes a woman in the family like an aunt or grandmother will become the big mama of the family. Black people love Tyler Perry but suspect he's gay. I don’t get any gay vibes from him though. But Black people love him enough to bootleg his films and still see them in theaters.

As a black man, which do you prefer: asian girls or white girls?

I'd pick a White chick over an Asian, but a Latina first. In Little Tokyo near Downtown here the Japanese chicks live Black dudes but only the thug ones. I am so not thug.

lol Have you seen the show The Whitest Kids You Know? If you have how do you feel about how they portray black people in their skits?

Yes, I have seen TWKYK and that show is funny as fuck. I never get offended by how Blacks are portrayed in things. If I were easily offended I wouldn’t have started this thread. I just wish more Black actors played more non Black roles in things. We's all ain't talk like dis!

HIGH FIVE TO YOU MAN!!! Fuck you just made my list, seriously, I love the shit out of that show. And I agree with you completely, they need to stop playing the unintelligent and unoriginal ethnic rolls. Last question, boxers or briefs?

Depends on the situation. If I have to tuck my shirt in I will find the tightest draws I have. I hate having a bulge that shows. Oh, the cross I must bare! Boxers all the other times, especially while dancing. Gotta let 'em feel it on their ass!

You seen their second season? Sorry I lied about that last question actually being my last. Also what was your favorite episode or sketches from Season 1?

"Gallon of PCP." And these aren't Black questions...

Fine then, do all black people think drugs are cool? And do all black families have a crack head in the family?

No, not all Black people think drugs are cool. That's an odd question. Maybe the oddest one yet. Not all Black families do, but my sure as hell does! I have an aunt that would steal my grandmama's house if she could put it in her purse and run off with it. Almost every Black person I have been friends with has a crack head in the family but not every Black person I have met.

I've only got one question I've always wanted to ask. Why are some of you so loud?

Because we grew up in loud ass houses! My entire family is loud except for me because I don’t like loud people. My cousin is loud as shit for no reason at all. Some Blacks do it because we know it bugs other races. Like, if we see you acting nervous before we open our mouths we will then give you what you were expecting. You have no idea how many robberies would not be committed if someone didn’t look at a Black person like "Please don’t rob me..." Its the principalities of it.

Do you feel ashamed after getting outplayed by a white dude in basketball?

Someone with hooks for hands could beat me at basketball. I am the worst Black man to ever get on the court. I was awesome at volleyball, baseball, and bowling. Basketball? No. I have seen my brothers get pissed when any other race was as good or better than them. I don’t get why. We have baseball, golf, tennis, football, and track.

Living in L.A have you ever been pulled over by the police for no reason? Do you think in the year 2009, that you have finally overcome? What do you think is the biggest misconception white people have about black people?

That’s funny. I just blogged about being stopped by the cops while walking to cash a check. Mistaken identity, a good old favorite for Black dudes. Almost every Black has been stopped DWB (Driving While Black) but I have been stopped WWB (Walking While Black). And when they handcuff you that make sure its tight as possible! I was laid off in late 2008, so I'm still waiting for 2009 to start. I haven't overcome shit. Obama being president made Blacks feel good for a moment. Otherwise, SSDD. I think the biggest misconception is that we all are mad. I have known so many Black people that became mad just because of the way they were treated before anyone got to know them. Whatever you think is bad/good about your race Blacks feel the same way. Its just that ours is shown on the news more.

Why are there so many black people that love anime and cartoons, and somehow maintain their ability to not be a nerd?

Because we physically cant look like the characters we love in anime! That shit sucks so hard! Who am I gonna dress as? Popo? Every single convention I gotta be Popo?!
Seriously, one of the best things about being a fan of manga and anime is dressing as the people and if you're Black it just isn’t possible. Plus, the discussions Blacks have about cartoons aren't as in depth as other races. It goes like this.

"Vegeta would whip Naruto's ass."

"Fuck you, dumbass. Voltron would beat the both of 'em."

"You are a ignorant ass, you know that...?"

How do black people feel about Tiger Woods? Are they actually proud that he's good at golf?

For some reason Black women were more excited about him than guys. Then that came to a screeching halt when he hooked up with the Whitest White woman in Whitesville, USA. If he had a dash more Black in him that would probably change. His dad was ultramega Black but Tiger doesn't look Black at all. Shenanigans!

Pretty much everything I know about Black/African Americans comes either from TV or big serious books, so I hope these questions aren't TOO dumb. Has anyone asked you any of these questions before? I notice you use capital 'b' "Black" (and "White"). Is there a difference between 'black' and 'Black' or is it a personal preference? (Told you some of these questions were going to be dumb, but in Ireland there is a difference between 'unionist' and 'Unionist', so I thought I'd ask).

I tend to use a capital “B” just so people know I am talking about a race, and not a color. That’s just about it. I hate being misunderstood and will try to be clear before misunderstandings can occur.

Are Black American and African American the same thing?

No one says Black American. Some still say African American but you can never go wrong with just saying “Black.” If someone corrects you they are just looking for a fight and being an asshole.

What do you think about Eminem?

I liked Eminem but only in small doses. He was funny and good sometimes but I would never see a concert or buy one of his albums.

What do you think about Will Smith?

Will Smith is awesome. He’s funny, I loved his show, I grew up listening to him rap, and have seen almost all of his films. Nothing wrong with him. People hate him because of that.

Did OJ get away with murder?

OJ totally got away with murder. I am one of the few Black people that say “Fuck OJ!”

How do you feel about Africa/Africans/African culture? Some Africans I know regard African Americans as their successful cousins and worship the ground that Tupac/Biggie bled on, some couldn't care less, but how do African Americans feel?

Blacks like being African when they can make money off of being African. Years and years ago everyone had the Africa medallion and screamed Black Power. I didn’t care. Africans hate Blacks, Blacks hate Africans. As a comedian once said, their ancestors just had a better hiding space.

Do you think being Black has/will affect your chances of getting a decent new job? (Good luck with that).

Being Black only affects me being hired when they see me. My name and resume doesn’t scream a race. If someone doesn’t hire me because of my race, fuck them. I don’t need or want Affirmative Action to get a job. And thanks for the well wishes.

Where do names like Beyonce come from? Are they purely American I mean? There are a lot of names associated with Black Americans that I've never heard of outside the US.

The Beyonce thing goes to the question someone asked about bad Black names. If some mother says its African you cant argue with her. Just nod and walk away.

How American do you feel? Are you proud to be American? Proud to be Black?

I have never felt proud to be American or Black. I am more proud to be half Native American than anything else. Gives me the ability to hold my firewater. Being Black is fun and not at the same time. It sucks knowing someone hates you or wont speak to you because of the color of your flesh. Their loss. I’m a cool ass friend.

Which of these questions of mine seemed oddest/dumbest to you? As your TRE near twin, I will know if you lie.

And the weirdest question for sure was the Will Smith one. That shit was way out of left field.

How does it make you feel that everyone on this forum is trying to be like you? I considered doing an "Ask an Australian" thread but these things are getting a bit ridiculous - already. Plus, I'd probably only get questions about kangaroos and dumb shit like that.

(another poster) It's just business as usually. Black man comes up with something and everyone else steals it and makes it their own.

I had no idea this would happen. I'd be flattered if it weren't for the fact that I know my thread will be bumped to the bottom soon...

Do you find people making fun of Black people who are dark as night, amusing? And do Black people make fun of other black people depending on what shade of black their skin tone is?

Yes, I find it hilarious. My late brother was super black and I made fun of him about it all the time. I don’t care what skin color you are, the is someone always blacker. Black people find the person darker than them and make fun of them. I knew a girl so dark she was purple. She grew up all kinds of hot.

If I remember correctly, you live in L.A. right? Were you born and raised there? If so, how old were you during the Rodney King riots and what do you remember from it? Did anything happen close to where you live(d)?

Oh, God. Yeah. I was born in raised in South Central. Or as the news now calls it "South LA." I was about 12 when the riots happened. I was pissed because I was supposed to go clothes shopping the day it happened. The riots started down the street from my aunt and a bit away from where I lived. They burned down almost every shop in my area except for this one liquor store. The one at my school bus stop was torched and they just threw the videogame machines in the alley! I didnt riot. My mother kept me inside. My brother got some hats and paperbags. Kids showed up to school with all this new shit. I had nothing. It was a crazy ass experience and I hope it never happens again.

why do black people riot so much?

Misguided anger. Lots of us blame other races for our own issues. Like, during the LA Riots, why didn't people jump in their cars and go riot at the courthouse where the verdict was handed out? They just went outside and burned the nearest spot. It was stupid and solved nothing. Then folks had the nerve to get mad when no one wanted to rebuild in the area. Now anytime a Black celebrity is in court the city wonders "Are these Colored's gonna act up again...?" It sucks. Yeah, so we riot because fire looks cool.

Are you a black man that still loves the sista's? And why the fuck do black men find white women more attractive than black women? Black women are just as hot as any white woman.

Yes, I still love Black women. Black women are the hottest form of female on the damned planet. Add a little bit to any race and it makes her even hotter. I find women from all races hot in some way or other. Black men dont find White women more attractive. But we know that women from other races will put up with shit no Black women would. Look at most Black athletes. It also depends on how you grew up. Some guys grew up around loud ass Black women with attitudes and it drives them towards a more subdued race of women.

Why can't Black families raise a damn Black woman to be less aggravated?

There's some steps that have to be taken first. Alright. Find a Black woman and get her to have a great father. Have her father stick around and raise her to respect herself. Otherwise you have a bitter ass woman that will have kids with any man that sticks it near her vajayjay and gives birth to a daughter with the whole "Niggas Ain't Shit!" mentality and continues the exact same cycle her mother had. In Black families you can have 34 year old grandmothers because of this shit. When you see mad ass young Black women they are just acting like their mothers.

Do you take the Chris Rock stance of loving other black people, but hating niggers?

Not to that extreme, but I understand what he's talking about. DL Hughley made a more valid point in one of his stand ups when he said "I got a brother to handle my money and taxes. But if some shit pops off, I'm lookin' for a nigga."

Do you like Chris Rock? Personally his voice annoys the shit out of me...and his stupid grin.

Chris Rock is one of the funniest and most honest comedians in the last 20 years. I love his style and his voice doesn't bug me at all. I just dont think he should ever make movies. Like, ever.

Ok, I'm shocked this hasn't come up yet. Where do you think the Black community stands on Micheal Jackson?

I think he's guilty as fuck. That dude is a damned weirdo. But for some reason Black people do not wanna admit he's been playing with little boys' booty holes. This goes for most any famous Black person. Blacks just refuse to admit guilt. But OJ Simpson cashed in his last ghetto pass with that shit he pulled last year or so.

What's your opinion on the portrayals of black on the Boondocks comic strip/animated series?

Boondocks is funny as hell. I wasn't a huge fan of the comic strip but I love the cartoon. As for the protrayal of Blacks on the show, they cover a wide spectrum of the behavior some Blacks do have. Like how R. Kelly is innocent even though there is video of him pissing on a girl. Or how Not to trust or hate on light skinned Blacks.

What's a Nubian?

A very arrogant way of calling something Black. The word Nubian has a real definition but is rarely used in its actual context. Like someone saying, "Look at that fine Nubian princess!" I'll never call myself or anyone Nubian unless they are actually from Nubia. And I dont think that place exists anymore.

What are your thoughts on the reverend's jesse and al, as well as "wiggers"?

I cant stand either one of them. If Blacks were as successful as they claim they wanted us to be they would be out of business. Everytime something "offends" them it automatically becomes something every Black person should jump on and join them with. Fuck that. If you've ever seen a stand up with Eddie Griffin, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, or Robin Harris, you know we dont offend easily unless we wanna start some shit or didn't like you to begin with. And "wiggers" are funny because they act Blacker than I do. They are the equivalent of drag queens and real women. They take something good and turn it up to 11.

Do black girlfriends really do outlandish things to your vehicles when they find out you are cheating on them? And do they really throw your clothes out on the street if you two break up over the phone?

I dont drive so I have no personal experience with a car being trashed. But it did happen to my brother. This chick fucked his car up! He had gotten back with his woman and she found out and shattered all of his windows with a baseball bat. Clothes get thrown on the street whether or not a phone is involved. I have never gotten the super vengeful breakup. I had an ex break up with me and take almost everything she ever bought (including the shower curtain) out of my place. She changed her mind and I was like, "Well, you kinda already moved out so..."

If Season answers in the affirmative, then I'm definitely Blacker than I thought. And hey, why am I making all the effort in this twin thing? Season, you have to meet me halfway and Irish it up a bit. I expect you to post photos of yourself wearing nothing but a shamrock and a smile, forthwith, or at least a pic of yourself lying passed out drunk on a nest of whiskey bottles.

Okay, now let me sound racist for a bit. The whole getting drunk and passing out naked and shit? That's a White thing. When Blacks get drunk we'll probably fight a lot or laugh. Whites get nude and do all kinds of mean shit to each other like drawing on each others faces or sticking their dicks on their heads while they sleep. There are no pictures of me passed out. No nude pictures of me. Sorry.

What do you think about the success/lack of success of Black pro wrestlers?

I think its kinda sad. If they are Black and wrestling they have to talk jive, act like a thug, or a savage. The same goes for Samoan wrestlers. Its not like its hard to get a good Black athlete and just let him go in the ring and entertain you. Every character has been let go. Farooq, Boogeyman, Booker T., and Bid Daddy V. They only want guys like Cryme Time, Ron Killings, Shelton, and MVP. I like MVP and Shelton but they are not close to being big time though they have had a taste of it at times. This goes for non Black wrestlers. They got one Korean guy and he has a redneck gimmick.

I just remembered one. When I was a waiter a black guy called me a "nigga". I didn't think about it til later on in the night when I suddenly realized it was a bit strange. The dude was cool so I figured he just meant it in a "dude" "man" "bud" kinda way. Think I'm right?

It depends on how, when, where, why he said it. It could just mean he is one of those ignorant ass guys that use it like "dude" or "man." I dont use the word. The sad thing is that guys will hear that word so much that they start to think its cool for them to say it. Which it's not. That word used in the wrong hands is like playing with a loaded weapon.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

"The Suspect Is Black And Skinny! I Repeat! Black And..."

In one of my last blogs I mentioned being handcuffed. I just thought I’d share the story here. I may start posting those blogs here as I have way too many. Yeah, I talk too much. Wanna make something of it? I have provided a picture of my mug during this time period.

And so begins the tale of me being handcuffed in high school with three guns aimed at my face and chest. How did this happen to me? Did I beat someone up? Was I acting crazy? No. Just cashing a check.

I was still a soldier during high school. I use that term all kinds of lightly. I never went to basic training. I only went to drills on weekends. It sucked because I would get paid hundreds of dollars and end up with a check for about $11. I didn’t have a job during high school so that $11 bucks was cool. I could buy dozens of packs of Winterfresh with that! I didn’t have a 6th period class so I decided to use that time to head to Wells Fargo and cash my big ass check. So I get to the corner diagonal from Eat-A-Pita and a cop car whipped by. Then another one. And another one. Is that the sound of tires screeching? Why, yes, it is. And they’re coming straight at me.

"Open Wide And Say 'Ow! Help! Argh...'"


BERLIN (Reuters) – A German court Friday found a dentist guilty of assault for forcibly extracting the dentures from a patient who did not pay a 700-euro (623-pound) bill.

Chirin Kolb, a reporter for the Suedwest Presse newspaper, said the dentist, 57, apologized to the municipal court in Neu-Ulm after he was fined 6,000 euros for going to the woman's home and taking the false teeth from her mouth.

"His lawyer read a statement expressing remorse and he apologized, saying he just blew a fuse because he was under a lot of professional and personal stress," Kolb told Reuters. He was trying to collect 700 euros not covered by her insurance.

The woman appeared in court with no teeth and said she did not want to wear dentures again because of the distress the incident had caused.

I have wondered for years what would happen if you went to a dentist and decided not to pay your bill later. I guess now I know. I hated going to the dentist when I was little. Its not that I was scared or anything. My teeth were fucked up. They were usually knocked out or rotted away. I know. Its shocking seeing as how my teeth are damn near perfect now. I hated going because my dentist, Dr. Okankwo, had the worst breath ever!

He’d get all in my face without his mask on and I swear his breath had a shape. It was thick and hearty. Like a soup. My dentist had breath as thick as soup. God, that sounds horrible. He would give me silver teeth or cap them so they could fall out later. I still have fillings from when I was 9 or so. When I would see my cousin with her braces I wondered, “What would her dentist do if she couldn’t pay?” I guess he could come to her house and yank them sum bitches out!

I swear, in other countries they can get away with so much crap that we never would be able to! In no state here could you not pay for something inside of you and have a doctor come to your house and yank it out. “You gon’ pay for that triple bypass!” Have ‘em try and cut your heart out at your front door. Sheesh…


Saturday, February 21, 2009

Police He Naw Givin' No Break!


I love watching Cops. Why? Because I like watching people do dumb shit. I like watching people in situations I will never be in. Well, I hope I’m never in these situations. I cant imagine a situation where I’m running my Black ass down the street wearing baggy shorts and no shirt with house shoes jumping over fences while a K9 until is nipping at my heels. Yes, it sounds exciting but hopefully it never happens. Here are some interesting things I have learned from watching Cops and various things involving the law man.

You Make ‘Em Chase You They Will Hurt You

If you are gonna run from a cop, make sure to put all your energy into it. I have sat and watched a high speed chase for three hours only to have some goofy bastard jump from the car and start jogging away. I have seen people run for the bus with more gusto! If you’re gonna book it, book it as hard as you can! Run hard, run long. Don’t jog and frolic away. Because when they catch you, just for making them run, they are gonna beat the shit out of you.

Wear Appropriate Clothing

Much like the baggy pants, people tend to get in trouble with the law while dressed in shit I wouldn’t wear to take the trash out. You cant escape in flip flops. Have you ever heard about someone the cops are looking for someone described as wearing house shoes? No. Because you cant run in house shoes! Wear sneakers or boots and for God’s sake tie your laces. Imagine almost getting away and then tripping and landing on your face. This is why in so many mug shots people have bloody faces. Its not always the cops that do it.
People fall down.

Get Your Story Straight

You cant say you just met some guy that sold you drugs and then have him say you’re roommates. It doesn’t add up. If you’re gonna do a drug deal or pick up a hooker make a short story up. Say you just met at a bar or club. Don’t say “Oh, I was just giving her a ride somewhere…” We all know folks ain’t that friendly.

Just Fess Up

Admit it. Its your crack. The cop didn’t plant it on you. No one slipped it into your pocket. Just tell the damned truth. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “He planted it on me!” No, you planted it on you and grew a whole new set of problems.

Shut Up

If you get pulled over for speeding and a cop asks you “Do you know why I’ve stopped you?”, he doesn’t want your life story. He asked a simple question. “You pulled me over ‘cause I got a couple body parts in my trunk and some blood in the backseat! Oh, and ‘cause I’m Black!” I’m watching Cops right now and this dude had his wife call because he’s drunk and acting stupid. They show up and he’s like “I got weed in my pocket.” They didn’t ask. Then they tell him to go inside, his wife and baby will stay somewhere else for the night. He goes “Cool. Can you tell her to give me my money?” The hell?! Shut up, and go inside! Finally he tells the cops to just take him to jail. Really? They say no. He asks again and they oblige. Then he changes his mind. He wants to go inside. They toss him in the car and he starts banging his head on the door. Come on, man…

I have been handcuffed once but not arrested. I’ll post that story eventually. They thought I was a bank robber. Yeah. Anyhoot, stay out of jail.


Never Enjoyed Being Unemployed...

Sometimes you expect things to happen one way and they go another. Like, for the past few weeks I have been waiting for my unemployment check. I should take a photo of my fridge as proof of how bad things have gotten. I think I saw a tumble weed in there last week…

Anyhoot, so I was expecting my check last week. Mind you, in the past 3 months I have not worked I have only gotten two checks. One for 1 weeks pay and the other for 2. The worse thing is how small they are. They are literally half of what I used to get. Now, when you realize that I was making it by barely most weeks this makes life even more interesting. So when my check didn’t come it made me freak out a bit.

I hate to admit it but money affects my mood. I don’t like money. I wish I lived in a world where I went to work and my rent was paid automatically. That I could come home and food just popped into the fridge because I worked. So, I’m just waiting for this check that turns out was not coming for the past couple weeks and sweating balls. I got a letter from the unemployment office saying they are gonna call. So I’m looking online and seeing what you’re supposed to say during interviews and everyone has one rule:

Tell the truth.

Not a problem. I just wanted to get my money! So the call was for today between 8am and 10am. The called around 8:44am. The lady was really nice and polite and so was I. It took a couple of minutes and it turned out there was a small mistake on my part. The cool thing is that as soon as I get my check next week I have to send the next one in as soon as possible. I am feeling a bit better. I hate worrying about paying rent.

I called my lady’s church to speak to a counselor. I have been feeling too flip floppy with my emotions and wanna do something about it before I get too damned low. I have times where I’m really good. I’m laughing, talking, being creative. But the times where I’m down are getting too bad and coming too frequently. I have to do something about it. I talked to a lady for a few minutes and they are gonna call me back next week to set me up with someone to speak to in person.

One thing I liked was the questions. Drugs, sexual, spiritually, depression, all of these things were touched upon and I’m not getting drunk or high to deal with this. That seems to be the opposite of what you should do. I don’t even drink when I am upset. I don’t wanna meet that Dante. Okay, I think I am done for now. Take care, everyone.


Friday, February 20, 2009

Bionic Weave

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - Police said a woman's tightly-woven hair weave saved her life.

Police were called to a Kansas City market at about 11:30 p.m. Wednesday. Arriving officers found the 20-year-old woman there. She told police she had pulled into the market and saw a man with whom she had recently ended an eight-month relation with inside a car. A second man came up to the woman’s window and told her that the ex-boyfriend still loved her, Kansas City police said.

The woman told the second man, "I don’t love him."

At that time, the victim heard gunshots and saw her ex-boyfriend walking toward the back of her car firing a handgun, police said. The victim sped away in her vehicle as her back window shattered, police said. She returned to the scene a moment later to witness both men leaving in their vehicle.

Officers found a bullet in the woman’s hair and said her tightly-woven weave stopped the bullet. The victim was not harmed. The ex-boyfriend and the second suspect were both taken into custody a short time later.

I saw this story on the news earlier this morning and assumed that the chick was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn’t know that a guy was trying to kill her because she didn’t love him anymore. I also didn’t know she was 20. She looks 40. I mean, damn.

What if she was like, “Oh, I love him, too.” Would the gun said “Oh, okay. Let me just put my gun away and give you a hug.” There’s this thing I learned about in that old movie “Falling Down” starring Michael Douglas.

“The point of no return.”

Its where you’ve gone so far, said so much, or fucked up so badly you have no choice but to keep going. If you plan on shooting your ex in the face based on whether or not she says she still loves you, uh, you’ve gone past the point of no return. You’ve gone to a new place very few traverse.

“How the fuck this happen?”

The girl in the video that got shot in the weave looks like the type of chick that would forgive a fella for shooting them in the head. I’ve known women like this my entire life. No matter what a guy does they will take them back. She says her biggest concern right now is fixing her back window. What a damned planet.


Thursday, February 19, 2009

"The Porn Shop Guy"

I was thinking back to when I was on The Adam Corolla Show. I thought I was on a couple of times. It wasn’t until I started looking this up where I found all of these instances. Its nuts. It was fun and made me feel more comfortable about speaking to people I didn’t know in very public settings.

April 11th 2006

A listener calls in to talk to Wanda. Turns out he works at a porn store called Circus Of Books. Adam wonders why you’d call a porn store in a tourist area “Circus of Books”. He can just imagine parents taking their children into that store on vacation and running out screaming.

This started when a co-worker thought that Wanda Sykes was Gary Coleman when he heard her on the air. I told him I was gonna call and tell her. And I did. I repeated what he had said and then asked her if she drove a school bus because I had a driver with her last name that looked like her. She said she drove my big headed ass around. They asked where riding the school bus got you. I said “A porn shop.” That got the ball rolling.

April 13th 2006

Dante from the Circus of Books is on the line. Circus of Books is a porn store over on Santa Monica Blvd. He called in earlier in the week, and now he’s checking back in.

Adam asks Dante if the majority of their clients are gay. Dante says, well, the store is in West Hollywood. So, yeah. They try to convince him to put one of the customers in the store on the line for a Hooters gift certificate. He can’t do it, he says.

You can definitely tell where “Boys Town”, a.k.a. West Hollywood, begins, Adam says. Jump on Santa Monica Blvd. and head towards Boys Town. Start at around Santa Monica and Western Ave., and head east. It’s a real dive. Graffiti everywhere, people selling fruit on the side of the road, filth and garbage all over the place. But head towards Boys Town. You will watch Santa Monica Blvd. Slowly turn into the Yellow Brick Road. It’s as if the gays will never even think of painting graffiti on something, and no gay man has ever once thrown trash in the road.

Incidentally, Adam says, someone should really launch a class action lawsuit against the City of Los Angeles for having not only a city named Santa Monica, and a road named Santa Monica Blvd., but another road named Santa Monica that runs parallel to Santa Monica Blvd. How many people have been fired, how many business deals lost, how much fossil fuel burned, doing laps around that neighborhood trying to find which Santa Monica you need to be on?

They ended up giving me the gift certificates and I still have them around somewhere. I don’t know where they are but I have them somewhere. By this point people that came to the store knew me from this show.

April 17th 2006

Dante from the porn store in West Hollywood has a story. There was this customer that looked like a cross between Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima. He would come in smelling like the oldest fried chicken you’ve ever smelled, wrapped in a wet towel. He looked homeless, but sometimes he would just whip out a ton of cash. Other days, his credit card would be declined for like two bucks.

The customer I was talking about was this guy we called “Overring.” And an overring was what would happen if someone could not afford something and we had to cancel the sale and fill out paperwork. Most of us knew not to ring this guy up in the first place.

April 25th 2006

Dante calls in. He wants to know how to get his brother to move out of his parents’ house. Maverick says, get him to go to college; it’s been the best five years of Maverick’s life. He’s too old for college, though. In that case, you can use a potato gun.

This was Maverick, Deaf Frat Guy, and he had a self help segment. I was asking him about my brother who still lives at home. Just the way a deaf dude says potato gun is funny.

May 3rd 2006

Dante: Birth control pills? They give women bad skin and extra weight, and the women will blame you, because it’s you who are doing the humping of them.

Adam had this segment called “What Can’t Adam Complain About?” My question was birth control and above was his response.

June 12th 2006

Dante from the porn store calls in. They had a great weekend there at the Circus of Books in West Hollywood, due to the gay pride parade. Incidentally, gay pride parades are great if you want to get laid. 300,000 gay guys all drunk and charged up — definitely a great place to get some tail if you’re a gay guy. They put one of the customers of the porn store on the line, who incidentally, happens to be a porn distributor.

They ended up having this dude named Sergei who was funny as fuck. He had a tracksuit and gold chains on and everything. It was so damned funny.


I Turn On Channel 2 If I Wanna CBS

Good news for local fans of Rihanna, bad news for older talk radio listeners in Los Angeles. Beginning Friday at 5 p.m., boosters of urban-skewing artists such as Beyoncé, Pink and Britney Spears will have another top 40/"CHR" (contemporary hit radio) station to sing along to in their cars, as L.A.'s only "all-talk" commercial FM station now appears to be all talked out.

KLSX (97.1 Free FM) will switch formats Feb. 20 to CBS Radio's latest concept, titled AMP radio (not to be confused with the now-defunct Amp'd Mobile, a company that heavily pushed mobile radio to cellphone users in 2006 but filed for bankruptcy protection in 2007). A CBS Radio news release says the new station (its tagline is "all the hits") will "combine the power of its on-air position with myriad online and digital applications creating a full 360 degree audio and visual experience."

Translation? Listeners of KLSX were probably too old.

I just found out about this about an hour ago and cant wrap my head around it. This really bothers me for so many different reasons. Let me give a quick history lesson to ya’ll.

The radio sucks. I have not listened to the radio to hear music since the early 90’s. In junior high I discovered KLSX. At this point Howard Stern came on in the mornings but they still played classic rock (that’s how they got the name “KLSX”).

I would listen to Stern for hours every day. Eventually I had him and then Jamie, Frosty and Frank. I hated Jamie but found Frosty and Frank funny as fuck. They ended up being canned (they being the funny ones) and replaced by Danny Boneduce. Frosty and Frank were joined by Heidi on 97.1 (KLSX) after Stern and brought in Heidi. She fit them perfectly and it was so cool to have even more radio to listen to. Then the shit hit the fan.

Stern left for satellite radio and Adam Carolla replaced him. Adam’s show was really funny. I was even on a few episodes from when I worked at the porn shop. And then the dark cloud of Boneduce crossed the sky and ruined the show. I stopped listening and tuned in when Frosty, Heidi, and Frank came on. I still listen to FHF. I am listening right now and cant believe that tomorrow will be their last day on the air. I wont be listening to the new format out of protest. I wont listen because music sucks ass nowadays and I’ll just get online and search for something new. 97.1 is my only preset station. I only listen to this station. Now, my radio will be used to play CD’s I guess. I hope FHF finds a new home. They make unemployment a little better.

Way to fuck over fans. I cant believe that I live in L.A and have to search for things to watch. Things to listen to. I have to find ways to be entertained in the entertainment capital of the world?! It makes no sense. Fuck you, CBS. I’m glad I didn’t get that job there. If I had to sit at work having Rihanna and M.I.A pumped into my head I would’ve lost my shit.


"I'm Not Gon' Be Able To Do!"

LONDON (AFP) – A British multiple sclerosis sufferer lost her court bid Thursday to clarify the law on whether her husband could be prosecuted if he helped her travel to commit suicide abroad.

Wheelchair-bound Debbie Purdy, 45, had asked the Court of Appeal in London to clarify the law on assisted suicide, as her health is rapidly deteriorating. In England and Wales under the 1961 Suicide Act, aiding and abetting suicide is a criminal offence punishable by up to 14 years in prison. Purdy wanted to know if her husband, Cuban violinist Omar Puente, would be prosecuted if he helped her travel to die in a country where assisted suicide is legal, such as Switzerland, where more than 100 Britons have been helped to end their lives through voluntary euthanasia. However, three appeal judges ruled she was not legally entitled to the kind of guidance she was seeking.

Purdy has said that without clearer guidance, she would have to travel earlier to commit suicide abroad because otherwise Puente would have to help her -- and risk jail in the process.

I had no idea that assisted suicides were legal anywhere! Man, Switzerland is a progressive country. Now, the thing about being human, in case you aren’t human and stumbled upon my blog somehow, its easy to die. Humans are a delicate ass creature. Why does this lady have to find someone to kill her?

Maybe its an insurance thing. Like, her husband cant get cash if she kills herself. I also wonder how much it costs to have someone kill you? This is crazy. Couldn’t you just go outside and step into traffic? There’s sharp objects all over the place. You don’t have o go all the damned way to another country to die. A bar of soap can kill you. Sneezing too hard can kill you. You can shit yourself to death.

It kinda sucks that she has to drag her husband into this. Like, I know that they’re married and all that but ain’t nothing in the vows that say shit about having to help off someone.

“Hey, baby. You know I’m dying. Can you kill me?”

“Damn, look at the time! Uh…”

Don’t be asking your spouses to kill you.


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Random! R-R-R-Random!

Saying "expert bull rider" is like calling a jockey a “professional horse stayer on’er.”

Rain makes the city smell like pee and booty.

Cruisers in West Hollywood love me. I think they smell the “straight” on me and consider me a challenge.

Turning 30 and being unemployed is a bad combination.

Chuck Norris facts make me laugh.

My girlfriend said that I snore. That should be the least of her concerns when sleeping next to me.

I hate the saying “You cant miss what you’ve never had.”

Why is it 2009 and we don’t have metal pants?

I still don’t get obsessions with breasts when thighs are right there!

Skinny chicks nude does nothing for me. As Quagmire says “Not even a wiggle down there.”

Why don’t gang members ever hit their actual target?

Anyone that drives a white van is a rapist, creep, or moves a lot of shit for friends.

Texas knows how to do a high speed chase!

Without getting too graphic, I love the smell of…

Watching safety videos makes me laugh.

That lady that had 8 babies doesn’t wanna be a celebrity or hand outs. So of course she has a site for us to donate to and keeps herself on my TV.

Got my digital converter coupon in the mail.

I made $18,000 last year but still owe $100 to the IRS. How in the fuck that happen?!

My bald spot is growing in. Now I am entertaining the idea of growing my hair for a month.

I found a bucket of laundry detergent under my sink. I am happy.

What would happen if you licked a light socket? Super powers.

When did peanuts get so damned deadly?

I need money. I’m just sayin’…

They just found a bunch of fossils at the La Brea Tar Pits. Is this shocking?

My boxers think that my junk is some strange form of whack-a-mole.

Coffee cleans you out if you know what I’m saying.

Facebook sucks and I don’t know why people use it.

Why aren’t Black folks in lotion commercials? We account for 98% of the sales. The other 2% is babies and chronic masturbators.

Why don’t they show what toilet paper is really for on commercials?

Sizzler is a rip off. Just go to Carl’s Jr.

Why are casino commercials so cheap looking? They have money!

Broken Finger & Toe

One day in the 10th grade I broke my pinky finger on my right hand. The way it happened wasn’t that bad and I didn’t realize how bad it was until later that day. I played volleyball in high school and was good at it much to my surprise. I’m not the most athletic guy on Erf. I read, write, and draw. I also claim to be a very busy lazy man.

Okay, so during volleyball (I had it as my first period class) we were playing and the ball hit the tip of my pinky head on. My nail hurt more than anything. I was like, “Ow…” but kept playing.

Afterwards I got dressed and went to my next class, Advanced Physical Science. I was sitting there staring at my finger and thinking it was odd that I would make a fist but my pinky wanted to stay still. I tugged at it and it popped. Not like a knuckle popping pop, but a small gunshot pop. My teacher and this chick sitting next to me stared at me.

“You wanna go to the nurse?” my teacher, Mr. Canny, asked me.

“I think so…” I said.

So I go down there and the nurse could care less. She’s tugging, pulling, and bending my finger. The whole time I’m saying “Ow!” until she finally sighs and gives me a napkin with some ice in it. During class my finger starts to feel worse and eventually I give Laverne a call.

“I ain’t leavin’ work for that shit!” she screams at me in her most motherly voice. “Call Luther.”

I called my brother Luther but he couldn’t come. I stayed at school the rest of the day and when Laverne came home she reluctantly took me to Kaiser. They gave me an x-ray and saw that my finger was broken in two places and that the snap I heard (and felt!) was me putting it back in as it was dislocated. They gave me a spiffy metal brace and some clear tape. I had that on during my entire summer school session. Nothing like writing like you’re drinking a cup of tea.

When I took it off my finger was pale white and smelled like ass. Not fun.

Before the 10t grade but after the 9th (I guess I could’ve just said the summer before 10th grade started) I broke my big tow on my right foot chasing my little sister. I don’t remember what she threw at me but I started chasing her and didn’t raise my foot in time and hit the step leading out of the den and into the laundry room.

“Wait for it…” I said as I stood bracing myself for the pain. It hurt like a son of a bitch! I limped for a couple of months. I didn’t go to the doctor for it. Funny how my parents took me to the doctor for a broken finger but not when I get hit by a car damaging my knee for life. What made it worse was that I was in my steel toe boot phase and wore them the entire time. It was stupid. I haven’t broken anything since. Knock on wood. Just don’t use your toe.


Monkey See Monkey Rip Face Off


STAMFORD, Conn. (AP) — Travis the chimpanzee, a veteran of TV commercials, was the constant companion of a lonely Connecticut widow who fed him steak, lobster and ice cream. He could eat at the table, drink wine from a stemmed glass, use the toilet, and dress and bathe himself. He brushed his teeth with a Water Pik, logged on to a computer to look at photos and channel-surfed television with the remote control.

But on Monday, the wild animal in him came out with a vengeance.

The 200-pound animal viciously mauled a friend of his owner before being shot to death by police. Investigators are trying to figure out why — whether it was a bout of Lyme disease, a reaction to drugs, or a case of instinct taking over.

"It's hard to say what exactly precipitated this behavior" said Colleen McCann, a primatologist at the Bronx Zoo. "At the end of the day, they are not human and you can't always predict their behavior and how they or any other wild animal will respond when they feel threatened."

Travis attacked 55-year-old Charla Nash as Sandra Herold frantically stabbed her beloved pet with a butcher knife and pounded him with a shovel. Nash was in critical condition Tuesday with "life-changing, if not life-threatening," injuries to her face and hands, Mayor Dannel Malloy said.

Why in the hell will you have a pet chimp?! This is the first thing I asked myself when I heard this story. I love how this lady does this weird ass crap and then wants the police to solve her problem. When the cops asked her over the phone during the 911 call who was attacking she shouted:

"My chimpanzee!" she cries. "He ripped her apart! Shoot him, shoot him!"

Uh, no? I would have so many questions for her that by the time I sent the cops he would’ve eaten her ass up, too. Questions like:

“Wait. Did you say your ‘chimpanzee’?”

“No, seriously. A chimpanzee?”

Why do you own a chimp? Isn’t that illegal?”

“Can you describe the chimp in question?”

“Okay, for real. You actually own a chimp?”

This is why I don’t work for 911. This is one of those stories when I find it hard to feel sorry for a victim.

"Xanax could have made him worse" if human studies are any indication, Dr. Coccaro said.

Wait, did they say Xanax?! Why in the hell would you give a chimp Xanax?! Come on, America. The most fucked up thing is that when chimps attack folks they always gotta rip faces off or pulled penises off. Why? I’m not a huge fan of my face and I don’t use my wang much but I don’t want either separated from my body. I never wanna look across the room and go, “Oh, there’s my face! I was looking for that. And there’s my penis! I wondered where it went…”
So, now we know what not to have in your house.




Oh, my!


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Day Part 2

So me and Sam get there a few minutes late. If I had known how slow everyone there at the probation office fingerprinting place worked I would’ve gotten there by foot and still been on time. It made no sense. The rain had stopped and it was actually bright and sunny over there in Downey.

I walk in and sign in. There are a couple dudes there and the security guy flexing what little power he has by forcing people that have worked there for decades to sign in before he allows them inside. Assholes. I sit there until around 10am when someone finally drags their ass to the front desk to let us do what we came there to do. I head into the back and fill out some more forms.

The lady at the desk was so unhelpful and had the shittiest attitude. You have a job! Be happy! Live it or lie it! After over half an hour I had to head to another room and get fingerprinted. Now, me and this other dude chatted. I actually initiated it. Yay, me. He writes scripts and I gave him some tips. He thanked me and the lady started fingering me. Ew…

I swear she just learned how to do it. And just like I predicted, my long ass fingers made getting decent prints difficult. I was finally done after taking two minutes a finger, got my paper, and left. I went searching for Sam and couldn’t find him. He says he never moved. I don’t believe him. I went to a gas station and tried the pay phone but it just took what little change I own. I wanted to smash it. I turned and saw Sam heading into Carl’s Jr. and caught up to him inside. He asked if I was hungry. Just in case anyone is wondering; if you ask me if I’m hungry the answer is yes. I am out of work and survive off of Ramen and whatever leftovers I get. We ate and talked about comics and county jobs. We laughed at a 400lb security guard. I don’t like fat guards and cops. I always think that since they cant chase you they’re more likely to pop a cap in your ass.

Oh, I left out a part. When I went back inside the place to see if they had a pay phone I could use the guy said they did and for this big, Black, goofy looking chick that was security to let me in. She said:

“You done with ya business inside?”


“Then I ain’t lettin’ you back in!”

Yeah, because since I just got fingerprinted, gave you my address, social security number, and all my background information, now is the time for me to wild out and strike at the government. Bitch. Just let me use the goddamn phone!

We eat and head back this way. We get to Meltdown, a comic shop on Sunset and look at random stuff and complain about how comics just aren’t all that great anymore. He invited me to a convention next month. I agreed and it should be fun. We came back to my place and I gave him my stories that we hope to publish in the coming months. I also told him that the two of us should draw three pictures each to take to the convention. He agreed. This should be cool.

Now, I am home and resting my poor legs. It wasn’t so bad overall. I got to see my sister and hang with a friend. I chatted with my mother for a bit and it actually wasn’t horrible. Maybe things will look up now. I got food in my belly, a roof over my head, and people that still love me. Now if only I hadn’t stepped in a huge puddle minutes after bragging to Camille that my shoes were water proof…


The Day Part 1

Another day another chance to get a job. Man, my legs are on fire from all the walking I did today. How was your day, folks? Its funny how people who have jobs treat others like shit. And then you have good people like my friends who go out of their way to help me out. In the course of this here blog I will show examples of these polar opposites. Let me crack my toes first. Oh, that’s nice…

I would love to say my day started off with me waking up all refreshed and feeling awesome. But that’s not how I roll. Some asshat called at 2am and woke me up. I had a hard enough time with shit on my mind getting to sleep. Whoever it was didn’t even leave a message. Jerks. It took me forever to finally get back to sleep and it seems that as soon as I did I had to wake up at 6am.

The plan was to head over Camille’s (my awesome little sister from a different mister) and get some money for the bus. Yes, its that bad now, people. Anyhoot, I got ready and looked outside to see the sky raining. Not regular ass L.A rain, but a tsunami of rain (as Cam puts it)! I was like, “Come on!” I left and realized I didn’t have my watch. I went back and started walking. 3 miles.

Oh, the rain! I had to dodge cars throwing water, the sky throwing water, and water throwing water. It was coming from everywhere. At least my socks were dry. For now. I finally made it over to her place and she gave me some tokens and I danced the dance of he who can now ride the bus to interviews without worrying how to get there. She’s great. She walked me outside and I continued my trek. I got to the bus stop and noticed a sign for the 750. What the fuck is a 750? I crossed to the 20 stop hoping the 720 stopped there. It didn’t. It flew by and I took the 20. I got to hear an interesting conversation on the way downtown. Let me transcribe it a bit for you. It was two older Black folks. A male and a female.

Man: “Why the fuck don’t you got yo card?! We could get some damned Vicadin if you did!”

Woman: “Fuck you! Why ain’t you got yo card?!”

Man: “I'm sittin’ here hurtin’ an’ that bitch at the center wont give me some goddamn pills! I’m hurtin’!”

Woman: “I know where to go.”

Man: “Where the stop?”

Woman: “Nigga, I told you I know where we get off!”

Man: “Don’t be yellin’ at me, bitch!”

Woman: “Here we are. Get up, nigga!”

So I get off at Hope and Wilshire. Now I got another walk on my hands. This one just over a mile. Its not raining now, thank God. I get there and cant find Sam. Yeah, Sam is giving me a ride to Downey to get fingerprinted for a County job. I spot him and we’re off. Yeah, we only have 20 minutes to get to Downey. Will we make it?


Monday, February 16, 2009

"For Richer or Poorer..."

Valentine's Day or Saint Valentine's Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14th by many people throughout the world. In the West, it is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine‘s cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionary. The holiday is named after two among the numerous Early Christian martyrs named Valentine. The day became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.

The day is most closely associated with the mutual exchange of love notes in the form of "valentines". Modern Valentine symbols include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten notes have largely given way to mass-produced greeting cards. The sending of Valentines was a fashion in nineteenth-century Great Britain, and, in 1847, Esther Howland developed a successful business in her Worcester, Massachusetts home with hand-made Valentine cards based on British models. The popularity of Valentine cards in 19th century America was a harbinger of the future commercialization of holidays in the United States.

I have said before that I hated this holiday. Like, when I was younger and watched as the cuter, light skinned guys got fawned over while my tiny dark ass sat there looking goofy and being alone. But now I hate this fucking holiday even more.

Oh, in case you didn’t know, this blog is gonna be laced with all kinds of profanity. You have been warned.

So if you’re wondering, I didn’t have the best Valentine’s Day ever. I know it was worse for her. We’ve talked about the day back and forth and what we expected and what actually happened. It was fucked all around. Movies were watched, food was eaten, smiles were faked. Good times.

I can only do so much. Meaning, we all know I haven’t had a job in months. I get by with help from my friends and their well wishes and prayers and such. Waiting for the government to help will surely drive me insane I’ve learned. Its hard to do something nice when you don’t have shit. All I can give is myself. If it were something like, “You cant get me shit so you have to do to me whatever I say!” I’d be all over that. I’m broke, but not broken. I’m gonna start rambling even more soon so let me get to the point.

I hate that a day that is meant to get folks to buy cards and shit can make me feel like my relationship is about to end. The fact that it can make friends feel like shit. I hate it. It doesn’t make sense to me. A guy can go around acting like Asshole McDick all year but if he buys flowers on this one day he’s a god. I sit here thinking “If my relationship ended because of what I didn’t do on the 14th of February I’d be fine” because I refuse to have my life defined by a day. You can look at what someone did on a certain day and be upset abut it or think of all the other cool shit they have done for you. If we all lived by these theories no one would talk to each other. Everyone would be divorced. I cant be defined by day and I wont. All I can do is be who I am. Sometimes its awesome, sometimes its not. But if anyone, friends, family, or whatever, wanna bail out right now, this is the perfect time. I cant get any lower than I am right now. Rockets.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Love & Rockets

According to research done at Lafayette College in Pennsylvania, kissing reduces stress by lowering the stress hormone, Cortisol, in the body.

When kissing, the brain is not only bombarded by the sensations but also by a chemical process. Kissing releases a hormone called oxytocin, which is the hormone responsible for positive social bonding and attachment. The body's release of oxytocin while kissing relieves stress.

When a man kisses a woman, he injects testosterone through his saliva to the woman. Testosterone is the hormone of sexual desire, the sexual desire releases endorphins, the feel good hormones, and stress is relieved through testosterone as well.Stress relief is as easy as kissing, who knew?

Now this is the kinda study I can get behind! Who cares how Mars died? I don’t wanna see anyone on the moon ever again. I wanna see what else happens when I smooch my lady. They spend so much money on research for things that really don’t matter. I have said for years that NASA should be destroyed. If a tiny piece of Styrofoam falling off can make a shuttle crash or explode in the sky we are nowhere close to Star Trek where they have shields and can take hits from Klingons for a good few minutes before some hapless bastard gets sucked into space. Imagine how lame a film would be if a Dixie Cup could take out the Starship Enterprise.

Its no secret that I love kissing. If I could sit here all day kissing and taking breaks to pee and brush my teeth I would be happy. My lady came by for a few minutes yesterday and I was all over her cheeks. She kissed me on the lips and I started smiling like a retard. I couldn’t even help it. Kissing does make you feel better.

Yeah, I know I talked more about Star Trek than kissing, but whatever. If you’re reading this damned thing it isn’t shocking to you no how. Plus, I really don’t like NASA. Waste of billions to see what happens to spiders and rock in space. I don’t care and neither should you. Rockets.