Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Name: Season Premiere
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Finishers: Season Finale, Commercial Break, Rolling Blackouts, DTV ("Death Takes a Vacation"), Sweeps, and Mid-Season Replacement.
Yes, your champion is back! I don’t have to wear that hot ass Fantom outfit anymore. You have no fucking idea how hard it was pretending I was gone. I come back and changed my name to Rawkwilder to make that jackass Stepdaddy think I had changed. Please! Season Premiere don’t change for nobody! Shit, you should’ve seen the look on Hector’s face when I took my mask off.
Yeah, it might’ve sucked to trick all my fans into thinking Stepdaddy had killed me a while back. But fuck it. I’m a champion and that’s what champions do. We play with your emotions. My only problem now is having to roll with Stepdaddy’s monkey ass kids. K.C Jones don’t smell right and Kinky creeps me out. Did you know that fool never take his mask off?! Like, ever!
Hope you’re all happy that I’m the champ again after all the bullshit I had to put myself through. You better be. Or else you’ll be next in line for a Commercial Break!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Ah, we all remember picture day at school. The biggest memories I have of it was trying to stay clean so I wouldn’t end up with a dirty ass picture later on. On the picture above I remember how awesome I thought I looked. I had my cool vest (which my sister who sent me the picture says makes me look like Carlton) and my crisp collar. I was pimpin‘, pimpin’!
So I get to school and all day I’m like “Don’t touch me!” It seemed like every dirty kid in the school wanted to touch me that day. But I stayed clean and got in line to have my photo taken. But before the photo was taken the lady got a brush out and touched my hair. You don’t touch a Black man’s hair! And while she was messing with my hair, why didn’t she fix my damned collar?! Look at that thing! It looks like I got into a tussle. And my lips. My poor, poor lips. They look the ashy.
I am glad this picture wasn’t lost amongst the hundreds that my family has let slip away. Look at how smooth my skin was. And I still have those damned arched eyebrows. And my eyes look so bright and full of hope. My biggest concerns then were making it home in time to watch cartoons.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I was gonna do a Podcast about this but I’ve decided to write about it instead. Tomorrow is Memorial Day. This Thursday is my late brothers birthday. Around his birthday and the time he died I start getting depressed. I have decided to use this time to not dwell on the negative aspects of my brothers death but on what made me love him so much.
Growing up my brother was a major influence on my life. From the fact that I draw and watch wrestling. The drawing led to my writing so I might as well add that to the category of things he helped me with. To know Kevin was to know a guy that always had a smirk on his face. He was also always seconds away from saying something that would offend half of the room and make the other crack up laughing. He was that type of guy.
Kevin played a lot of sports. He played a lot of sports well. When I was really tiny he would slap his football helmet on me and I’d wear his mouthpiece (very gross in hindsight) and run around the house pretending to be a football player. I would wear the shoulder pads too and be swimming in them. Later he played basketball. I would go out with him and his friends when they played against my brother Luther and his friends. It was fun. I would be too small to play but would be the designated pager (remember those?), gold chain, ear ring, Gatorade boy. I didn’t mind. I just liked hanging around him.
Later after he moved out we would catch up on Monday nights while watching wrestling. Then we would talk about work and the family and how crazy everything was. When I had questions about random shit he would talk to me about it. He rarely ever complained about anything in his life. Not his kids, his job, or his apartment. He just seemed to enjoy life.
When I hear stories on the news about people that die its always the happy people. Its never the negative assholes that we see daily. It’s the ones that enjoy life and touch hundreds of peoples lives. Kevin always had me laughing. From my earliest memories to way later in life he always knew how to make me laugh whether I wanted to or not. He was the kinda guy that would give me a spine buster one minute and then be sitting on the bed with me teaching me how to play dice or eating Sugar Daddies. Kevin was the one that got me a drawing board. One Christmas he just said “Here” and handed me this box. I opened it and it was filled with every single art supply I could ever want! Then he dragged in a big ass box and I put together my new drawing board. I spent hours drawing like a madman.
When I think of my brother I think of nothing but good times and laughter. I can only dream of touching as many lives as he did in his 32 years on the planet. I have been around for 30 and haven’t even gotten close. On a side note, when everyone was going through his stuff it turns out that he was still drawing. And he was way better than me.
Kevin F. Powers 1969-2001
Friday, May 22, 2009
In this episode I discuss porno videos, magazines, and as my late brother put it "The birds and the bees and the black eyed peas and gettin' between a girls' knees!" This is not safe for work unless you work somewhere where this is a normal conversation. In which case I suggest you find a new job.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
For the last couple of weeks I have had the opportunity to enjoy some very good food. From Hooter’s, Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles, to Pink’s, I have enjoyed some tasty ass meals. As I sit here num-nummin’ on a steak (courtesy of my mother) I decided to write about the stuff I have had recently.
Early yesterday I made myself a burger for lunch. This was fresh ass beef. I know that sounds horrible but it isn’t. I used the leftover toppings from the Pink’s hotdog and just slapped them on top of the burger. Now I had a bacon pastrami burger! Proof that not only is there a God, but that He wants me to be a fat guy again.
Later that same day my lady came by baring gifts! She brought some awesome kettle corn popcorn and a Krispy Crème box! I love crispy Crème and never get it as the nearest location is on Crenshaw. (just had a good old fashioned earthquake as I write this) The only problem with KC donuts is that you eat them so fast and want more. Thankfully she brought two.
Today I went to my lady’s aunts’ church and afterwards we had a big ass Carribbean meal. I cant even begin to tell you what was what. There were two kinds of chicken (one jerk style and the other yellow), rice and beans (I ignored the beans), beef, and cornbread. My inner fat kid was all kinds of happy. I swear, one of the best things about dating someone with Carribean heritage is the awesome ass food you can eat. Everything is full of spices and flavor. Oh, her mom also made some plantaines and I got my grub on. She let me take some home which I will eat for dessert after this steak settles.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Yes, my friends. That is indeed a big ass delicious hotdog from the world famous Pink’s! Bob, I know you’re proud of me. We were just talking about that place yesterday. My lady asked if I wanted to go tonight and of course I did. She got an Ozzy Dog and I got myself the monster known as the Liberty Dog. And much like the good old U.S of A, it was fatter than it needed to be and messy.
This thing was messy but very good. I couldn’t finish the damned thing. The parts that fell off were a meal in and of itself! I am so glad that I’ve finally gone there. A huge sign nearby Pink’s is an advertisement for Carney’s. Its that hotdog place up on Sunset that looks like a train car. That place blows. I have had it enough to make this judgment. Bad service. Slow delivery. And tiny ass hotdogs that taste just like regular ass hotdogs. They try to cover up this fact by burying it in onions. For shame!
So if you’re in L.A and in decent health, I say try Pink’s. I am amongst the converted. I have seen the light. I have touched the hand of God. I have done serious damage to my colon for which there may not be enough penance!
When people ask why I watch wrestling I am gonna just give them the link to this match and continue about my day. This match had everything a wrestling fan could want plus so much more. I nearly jizzed in my pants during the last five minutes. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did. Yes, it's a very long match but there is never a dull moment. Rockets!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
In this episode I bitch about bad films, good films, and films that are so bad that they're good. I also talk about how bad M. Night is and why he should never be allowed near a camera ever again (he's used his three strikes!). Enjoy!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
In this episode I babble about taking care of your damned kids, why you can't blame doggie doors, Miss California, cencorship, and older men dating younger chicks. I noticed that for some reason there is an extra 2 minutes after the podcast. Ignore it. There's nothing there. Enjoy!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
In this episode I discuss dumbass kids that choose to inhale and snort the tart candy known as Smarties. I also give some tips on child rearing including destroying all their technology and how to apply a back breaker to their laptop. Enjoy!
So between going to Hooter’s yesterday and Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles today I am feeling all kinds of good! I was sitting here today just reading this Steve Martini book called Shadow of Power and making my latest Podcast when my cousin Malakia called. She asked if I had ever been to Roscoe before. I told her that I had but it was a couple of years ago. She’s like “Well, never mind then.” Whatever! I tell her that I still want some. So she says she is nearby with her nieces and will be here soon.
She gets here and has these two little girls with a ton of hair on their heads. We get to Roscoe and get a table immediately. I thought we would have to wait since there were folks just waiting around outside and near the front door. I got the Number 9 (three wings and a waffle) with some tea/lemonade my cousin talked me into. It turned out to be a new taste and delicious. We finished up and saw someone laying on the ground while cops looked on.
We headed to get some stuff for Malakia’s mom for Mother’s Day tomorrow. The whole time her nieces are talking. Eventually we head to a show store for Malakia to get some stuff. She leaves me in the car with the kids. Oh, we grabbed another kid on the way. A baby girl named Trinity. Yeah. So the girls proceed to ask me random ass questions.
“What’s your favorite cartoon?” (Family Guy)
“If you were stuck on an island what would you bring?” (lotion)
“How old are you?” (812)
“Why do you act like you’re 5?” (I have a condition)
The island question was funny. They said they would bring a fridge full of food. I told them to enjoy their food while being all kinds of ashy. They said at least they’d be full of food. I reminded them that they wouldn’t be able to open their mouths to eat because they would be so ashy that when they took a bite their lips would bleed. Good times.
After that we headed to Rite-Aid and got some ice cream (cookies and cream!). I was dropped off and Malakia shouted out her window that the girls said I should be a comedian to which I replied “Meh!!!” I had a fun day and got some awesome ass food. I am really enjoying life right now.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
On this episode I discuss what to do when you get shot in the face with a shotgun, lobster hand etiquette, Hooter's, and when someone should be considered a hero or just plain ol' lucky as fuck to survive.