Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Tig Ol' Australian Bitties On Google

Australia is a strange place. Besides animals that feed off of the screams of its citizens and food that is fed to citizens that scream, they also like to mess around with the Google Street View cars. I know when I see one I try my best to get on it. They have not updated my street since July of last year but I have seen the car go by since and decided to throw my fist in the air out of my window in the hopes of getting on there. This lady Karen Davis (what an unfortunate name) decided that flashing the car would be the best course of action. In an attempt to be classy I edited the image of her massive baby feeders.

“I look at Google Maps a lot and I wanted to be on there and I thought this is the way to do it. I got to tick something else off my bucket list” she said to a local paper. As for any haters she has. “All the flat-tittie chicks think I am disgusting.” Gotta love that attitude. It sounds even better when I think of her accent. Look at them things. Today I was talking to a friend about crazy things that are seen on Google with these cameras. I wish more women would do this. Or just send me pictures of their boobs. That would be the best Black History Month gift ever.  

Run, Hollywood, Run

On May 18th, 2015 America suffered its first death by zombie. By August 8th, 2015 4,000,000 plus had been overtaken by the hordes of undead. Unlike in the movies where the world would band together and defeat the threat and live happily ever after, in the real world everyone panicked.


By statistics taken three years after the invasion had begun, 8 out of 10 Americans were infected. Those not infected either by genetics, luck, or a forgiving God, are called Alphas. Zombies are called Zetas. Most Alphas became solitary creatures. Zetas on the other hand travel in packs. Many packs. Ray and Thomas have personally removed 3,000 or so Zetas from the world.

By pure luck.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Five Things I Learned Being A Passenger

I don't drive. I am too goddamn old to not have a vehicle if you go by, like, society terms. But I don't do that. Not that I'm a rebel or anything. But know that I am not responsible enough to control a two ton machine that has the ability to go faster than any human could ever run. Or the money to pay for such a machine. Because of this I am always in the passenger seat.

In this Five Things I Learned Being A Passenger I'm gonna cover what it feels like for me to be sitting next to the driver in a car. The backseat feels way safer in case you're wondering. But I tend to be sitting next to someone in the front with one hand on the door handle and the other clutching my pounding heart as people weave their way through traffic to get somewhere a few seconds faster. Its real in them streets!

San Diego Student Drunk On Freeway

Dashuh told me about this story where this 25 year old chick in San Diego was arrested for getting a little bit too turnt up. And by a little bit I mean so goddamned drunk that she fell asleep at the wheel in the middle of Interstate 805. A photojournalist named Paul Anderegg found Amber Dlaine McKinney Morgan knocked the fuck out behind the wheel while cars swerved to not hit her. 

He ran up to her window and tapped on it shouting at her to wake up or see what was wrong with her. As you can see from the photo, she was not waking up. I have to admit, she is pretty hot. Hotter asleep than when she is awake which is totally a thing. Stop acting like it isn't. Some people can be sleeping or have their eyes closed and you'll be all like “Aww...” and then they open them and the theme to Godzilla starts playing. Its totally a thing. So back to the story. Amber was not even trying to wake up. 911 was called and police showed up for a little smashy-smashy.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Father Shoots Son Over Orange Juice

The orange juice game in Louisiana is more real than I could imagine. 58 year old father Eldridge Dukes got into an argument with his 18 year old son after finding out that there was no more orange juice left. 

By the way, never fuck with someone named Eldridge. Its just one of those names that screams trouble. Anyhoot, he and his son got into a fight over this orange juice that was missing and the shouting escalated into a physical fight. I bet a nice cool glass of orange juice is good after a fight. The son broke a vase and after that all bets were off. 

Eldridge grabbed his handgun and chased his own son down the street firing three shots at him. The son was hit in the ass by one of the bullets but suffered no other serious injuries. Eldridge was arrested and charged with attempted manslaughter as well as the illegal use of a dangerous weapon. I have talked about stories where families fought over food before but I think this is the most extreme one. Its orange juice. Try explaining that in prison. No one sounds like a badass for shooting at their own son over juice. Liquor...maybe. But not juice.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Florida Couple Likes The Public Sex

Much like new beaches in the U.S and flashers, whenever people do nasty things in public chances are they are people you don't want to see doing it. This couple was arrested for having sex in public near a school in Greenacres, Florida. The Florida part is expected but the fact that a place is called Greenacres and isn't one word is just silly. They couldn't eve be bothered to split it into two words. Anyhoot, Danielle Stager who and 26 and Shane Johnson who is 38 were seen by four kids Friday afternoon dropping trow. By the time police showed up both of them were no longer banging near a tree but in their truck...banging. I bet you they have kids. People who have privacy don't do shit like this in public. It is reported that when Danielle spotted the police she said “Shane, we are going to jail.” They were both charged with lewd and lascivious behavior which is a misdemeanor. The are both out after posting bond and having to explain to someone that they were caught having the sex outdoors. Twice.  

Monday, March 23, 2015


A Conversation Between Paul and Jim

“It went clean through?”

Clean through.”


“Yeah. But here's the kicker.”

“What's that?”

“Took his heart with it.”

“Stop shitting me.”

“I shit you not.”

“His entire heart?”

Johnny Panic: The Fidgets

I don't handle boredom well. Ever since I was a kid when I got bored bad things would happen. Its even worse now because I'm stank ass rich and famous. Getting so a guy can't even fly to China and tickle a few pandas without it becoming some kinda international incident. So when Ronica saw me sitting on the roof staring at the sky and ocean she knew something was wrong.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked me. Not in a concerned about my well being kind of way. But in a “Oh no. If I don't think of something fast he's gonna end up on the news” kind of way. I just sighed. “Are you bored?”

“No...” I lie. “Stop looking at me like that. You can't read my mind. Right? That's not, like, some new power you've developed is it? Because that would not be good.”

“Well, you're sitting up there looking at the sky as if you're expecting it to respond” she says. “So you're either bored, fidgety, or high. And I know you're not high because you don't smell of zebra.”

“I only smell of zebra when I have the angries” I tell her. “I don't have the fidgets either.”

“You look like you have the fidgets.”

You look like you have the fidgets.”

Sunday, March 22, 2015

What I Wish I Was Taught: Taxes

The older I get the more I realize how useless school was past a certain point. I was a smart kid and peaked at 10. After that it was nothing but a series of nonsensical events that culminated with where I am now. Every year something will happen and I'll ask myself or a friend “Why didn't they teach this in school?!”

Did you learn how to do yours in school? I didn't! If you did then that is awesome. But I did not. It was never even brought up. You'd think that since taxes are something that you do every year (unless you like paying fines) that your teachers would stress its importance and teach it. Its not like taxes are optional. College is optional. Hell, even work is optional. But taxes are not and it is silly that I was never taught how to do this from the age of 5 to 18 where five days a week for eight hours a day I was sitting in uncomfortable chairs being paid by people that hated their jobs.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Old Lady Likes Dr. Pepper

An old lady in Fort Worth, Texas is old. A little bit ago I wrote about a woman that was 114 and ate enough eggs to cause most of us to have a heart attack. This 104 year old woman named Elizabeth Sullivan has been drinking three Dr. Peppers a day for the last 40 years. Yeah. Let that soak in for a second those of you that shit on people for putting in their bodies what they want. “People try to give me coffee for breakfast. Well, I'd rather have a Dr. Pepper. I started drinking them about 40 years ago. Three a day. Every doctor that sees me says they'll kill you, but they die and I don't. So there must be a mistake somewhere.” 

Could you imagine being a doctor that sits there telling her how unhealthy it is that she drinks that much soda a day and then getting sick and dying before she does? For her recent birthday she got a Dr. pepper shaped cake. “When you live to be 104 and still can talk to nice people, you deserve some Dr. Pepper, but I never expected this.” She also got a gift basket from the CEO of Dr. Pepper. “Man I'm feeling good. I'm glad I'm still here. I'm glad I'm not in a rest home. Glad I can read books and watch TV and have people come by and say hello.” And of course she was asked for her secret to living so long. “You just keep living.” There. Now leave people alone, stop asking that damned question, and let people eat and drink what they want.  

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Two Girls One Shtup

Cam sent me this story and as soon as I saw that it took place in China that it would be crazy. If Crazy Land is a country Australia is the president, Florida is its capital, and China is its largest city. A 21 year old guy named Wu Hsia broke up with his 20 year old girlfriend named Jun Tang after meeting 22 year old Rong Tsao. All these names sound made up. Over the next few months Jun kept trying to get Wu back with her. Wu decided that it would be a good idea to get the three of them together for a talk and not a three-way. Wu said “I was sick of being nagged from both sides. Rong was moaning about Jun and Jun was moaning about her and it all got too much.” This is where the law gets involved.

The two women started arguing with each other and then his ex got mad and jumped into the river and told Wu to save her. The new girl Rong, thought that Wu just might jump in and save her so she jumped in as well and told him to save her. The fuck is happening?! So Wu did the right thing. No, not walk away leaving these two crazy ass women to the mercy of the sea. He saved his current chick and took her to the hospital. Being the good guy he is he called his brother on the way to the hospital who in turn called rescuers who saved Jun. She was not injured but should probably get some form of counseling. And Wu needs to be better at picking women because come on. This is a situation no one should ever be involved in.  

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

25 Shots Of Vodka In A Minute

How much do you like to drink? Probably not as much as Humberto Moura Fonseca. The 23 year old died after drinking 25 shots of vodka. You did not read that wrong. I actually checked to see how much liquid that was and it is five ounces more than a Big Gulp or a little bit more than three cans of soda when totaled. While partying at a university in Bauru, South-Western Brazil someone thought it would be a good idea to see how many shots they could drink in a minute. One of his friends said “I knew I'd already had too much and there was no way I was going to be able to drink five, let alone 25. But Humberto and the others were really up for it.”

He as well as six other students ended up collapsing after drinking and were taken to the hospital where three of them are in intensive care. Police want to charge the organizers with homicide. “Two fourth year students at the university have been arrested for organizing the event without a license and for potentially causing the death of the student.” The university says that drinking alcohol at the university is banned. Granted, I have done some dumb stuff when it comes to booze and surely have caused alcohol poisoning and shaved some years off my life in the past. I have drank 8 shots in an hour. But never would I try for 25 in a minute under any circumstance. Why? Because I like this breathing thing.  

My Poor Teefus

So I went to the dentist today. I know that may not sound like a big deal to many of you because you go to the dentist every year or whatever amount of time they say you should. But not me. The last time I had any dental work done was when I was 9 years old. My teeth were fucked. Between cavities, brushing my teeth in five seconds, and knocking out all of the ones in front on a skateboard, teeth were not something I cared about. But today it was time to pay the piper.

A few days before my birthday I was coming back from Gelson's. I'd just bought a pack of gum and was happy. I popped a piece in and as I made my way into my apartment felt a crunch. I knew that something was not right. Gum doesn't crunch. Usually. So I pull the gum out and sure enough a piece of tooth is there. Which one? I head to my bathroom to find out. I am pissed because me and my cousin were gonna head to Project Taco for the first time.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Woman Kills Friend With Crock Pot

Ever since I was little I knew that there were certain people that you didn't fuck with or get into arguments with. Not just because having all your teeth is awesome but because you just don't know what other people are going through. A 50 year old woman from Michigan named Tewana Sullivan beat her friend to death with a slow cooker after getting into a political debate.

She was charged with assault with the intent to kill but once the judge found out that the friend was dead he changed it to first-degree murder. How did the judge not know that going in? Court confuses me. This all went down on October 22nd last year. Police got to Cheryl Livy's place in a senior living complex a little before 11pm.

They found her all kinds of bloody and barely breathing. Standing over her was Sullivan saying “I'm sorry. I did it. I'm sorry. I did it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” She and the walls were covered in blood. Police saw that the cord of the slow cooker was wrapped around Livy's neck. The crock pot was busted over her head first. She died two days later from her injuries.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

While You Were Sleeping: Anthony Hill Shooting

There have been a lot of shootings in the news. Not the kind we're very much used to involving criminals killing innocent people or each other, but police killing citizens. For the last two years this seems to have increased quite a bit and since a lot of the guys being killed are my race it doesn't make me feel all that comfortable around the police. One of the latest that occurred was the third in five days involving a 27 year old Air Force veteran in Atlanta, Georgia named Anthony Hill who was shot and killed by an officer while nude in broad daylight.

Hill wanted to be a musician and had spoken of his mental illness in various tweets and on his Facebook. Some of what he wrote was “I am thankful to be something other than normal. I dont fight my circumstance, I embrace it. I love myself. Always #IamBipolar” as well as “The media continues to paint the same horrific picture of mentally affected people but I have to tell you, there are so many shades in between the extremes.” One of his last messages said “The key think to remember is, #blacklivesmatter, ABSOLUTELY, but not moreso than any other life.”

Friday, March 13, 2015

City's Citizens Shitty Situation

Some people are into things that most of us find boring, dangerous , or terrible. This one is just gross. A man from Akron, Ohio that is known as the Bowel Movement Bandit is being searched for by police after his chocolate reign of terror. Yes. I just came up with that. For the past three years someone has been dropping mad deuces on cars and even the toys of children left outside. 

Police say that he has done this on at least nineteen cars. Neighbors began blaming one another and families turned on each other. One father is quoted as saying “I was questioning my son: Who do you have mad at you? People were pointing fingers all over the place.” Sick of having everything treated like a toilet someone set up a camera that took a picture every 12 seconds. This person had their car crapped on eight times since the fall. After a few days of no results this image was taken showing the guy looking very surprised to be interrupted. No one wants to be photoed dooking. Lt. Rick Edwards said “The photo shows this guy bent over on the hood, pants to ankles defecating on the car. We need to know who this person is.” You know that someone has seen this and knows who it is. They woke up and saw an article online and said “Oh, my god. That's Ron. Shitting.” I wanna known who came up with the nickname for this freak. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Stop Eating Pill

Cam sent me a link from WebMD about a new pill called Vyvanse that is supposed to help stop people that binge eat. Now, I thought that binge eating was something that selfish assholes did. Like, you come home and you think there is a bag of chips available but it turns out that someone else ate the entire thing by themselves. Not because they were high or anything but just because they're rude. Don't be that person.

I looked up the definition of binge eating and this is what I found. Mind you, its from WebMD and its the same site that has caused more panic than a parent that doesn't believe in vaccination that sends their kid to a playground during a high five contest.

“Binge-eating disorder is a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food. Almost everyone overeats on occasion, such as having seconds or thirds of a holiday meal. But for some people, overeating crosses the line to binge-eating disorder and it becomes a regular occurrence, usually done in secret. When you have binge-eating disorder, you may be deeply embarrassed about gorging and vow to stop. But you feel such a compulsion that you can't resist the urges and continue binge eating. If you have binge-eating disorder, treatment can help.”

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Regret Number One

I have very few regrets. It may have to do with a number of mental problems that I have diagnosed myself or have been un-diagnosed with. Either way, when I do something, no matter how fucked it it may seem morally or socially, in my head it has been justified and I will not lose sleep over it. 

While reading an article about Max Landis a story he wrote as a child was mentioned. It got me to thinking about a painting I did as a child that stayed in my 1st grade class years after I had left the school as told to me by a younger cousin that attended the same elementary school. It was the story of an orange whale that wanted to be out of the water.

Mind you, as a child I did not write. I didn't seriously start to write down any of my stories until I was in my mid-20's. I would write people hundreds of letters and draw and that is where the extent of my creativity went. It wasn't until Camille told me she liked one of my characters Royce that I decided to begin seriously writing down these for others to read. Click here if you want to check out his tale. Now the things I do include drawing, writing stories, articles and blogs. I paint sometimes. Do arts and crafts like Perler beads. A few months ago I started teaching myself photo manipulation using Pixlr. I've done hundreds or podcasts. I made an entire series called Doom Mates that went 80 plus episodes. I'm sure I am leaving something out.

Back to the whale.

Dante Vs. Nature 50

A photographer named Martin Le-May from Essex got a picture of something that is driving the internet crazy. There are certain things that cause this to happen. A cat that looks upset, kids high after going to the dentist, a goddamn dress, and now this image of a weasel riding a woodpecker. How come this happened? 

Le-May had this to say about his photo. “I heard a distressed squawking noise and feared the worst. I soon realized it was a woodpecker with some kind of small mammal on its back. I think we may have distracted the weasel as when the woodpecker landed it managed to escape and the weasel ran into the grass.” That sucks. Who knows how long that weasel spent trying to catch that bird? If you told me to catch anything in the hopes of riding it that didn't start with “ho” and end in “bo” I wouldn't be able to. And this thing caught a flying creature! Incredible. But it worries me. Why? Because I'm Black and animals make me nervous. If I can't eat or pet it I don't want nothing to do with it. Same rule applies to women. Next thing you know other animals are gonna start teaming up.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Man Burns Face Praying

An idiot named Hiram Jimenez in Westhampton, New Jersey tried to sue Applebee's because he burned himself in the face parts while praying before his meal. Thankfully the court ruled that he can't see the restaurant. In March of 2010 (so soon?!) when the meal was brought to him he bowed his head to pray and says he heard “a loud sizzling noise, followed by 'a pop noise' and then felt a burning sensation in his left eye and on his face.” Jackass. 

Jimenez said that the waitress did not warn him that the food was hot. Yeah. Read that again and let the dumb sink into your bones. The restaurant says they weren't responsible for warning customers “against a danger that is open and obvious.” I hate these kind of lawsuits. Why would you bow your head that low over a sizzling skillet of food? Its that thing people do now where they do something stupid and embarrasses themselves and instead of just taking that as a lesson not to dip your head in hot shit they get mad at their own stupidity and try to get paid for it. I say bathe him in fajitas. Sizzling fajitas. 

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Florida Woman Florida's Too Hard

One thing that I love about Florida is that when someone commits a crime they don't just do one thing. They pile on charges. And by love I mean terrifies me. 31 year old Amie Carter was walking down a street butt ass naked. So far so good. Then she got into traffic, walked in front of someone's car, and started slapping her bass. Then she decided that wasn't enough so she got on top of the car and dented the hood by stomping on it. Not done she threw her cell phone at another car that was not enjoying her performance. When police came to get her she fought back and kicked her legs around. Lucky she wasn't in L.A. Police here shoot you in the chest to say hello. The police reported that she seemed to be “under of the influence (of) a heavy unknown substance” as well as “in an altered mental state.” The damage she did to the car was around $1,500 and she was arrested for exposure of sexual organs and criminal mischief. 

When looking up a photo for Amie I saw that she had quite a few mugshots. What for? I don't care. She's kinda hot in a masturbate in traffic nude and causing damage kind of way. I also saw pictures of her looking normal and in one she appeared to have on a nurses uniform which makes me nervous. I can't believe that she is 31. I am bad at reading ages, specifically with White people as I tend to overestimate by years. But this chick here is a hard 31. The thing that bugs me about these kind of stories is when they don't say what drugs someone was on or what they drank. I don't want to accidentally combine what they did and end up naked in the streets. Again.