Friday, July 31, 2009

LRW "A Casual Conversation..."

"Max" Chapter 5

Max sat in the therapist waiting room in between Mom and Dad. Two days ago after Dad regained consciousness he and Mom tried to figure out what to do with Max. They did not want to call the police. Max was now 12 and still too young for prison. And juvenile centers did more harm than good. Mom had seen a story claiming this on the news so it had to be true. So here they were.

“This is gonna be good for all of us, Max” Dad said. “You’ll see.” Max said nothing.

“Of course it is” Mom said aloud. “When was the last time Max had a haircut?” she asked no one in particular.

“You’re doing it again” Max said. His parents froze.

“Jerry will see you now, Max” the receptionist said.

Max stood and walked into Jerry’s office. The wall was covered in plaques and children’s drawings. Many of them were thanking Jerry for helping them get better. Max smiled. On the inside. Jerry motioned for Max to have a seat. Max sat and stared at Jerry.

“How are you doing, Max?” Jerry asked. Max said nothing. “So you’re one of those kids? I see. Either way my name is Jerry. I’m not here to be your new best friend though that may happen. I’m here to figure out why you assaulted your father.” Max smiled. On the outside.

“I didn’t assault him” max said. “I woke him up.”

“Explain ‘woke him up’ to me” Jerry said. He removed his glasses and leaned forward.

“For my entire life they’ve done nothing but ignore me. They figured that they were good parents because they kept my clothed and fed. But there’s so much more to raising a child than that. I’m not a plant. I needed them to talk to me. I needed them to hug me. I needed them to ask me how school was going. I needed them for a lot of things but they never did.” Max lifted his finger to his mouth and tugged at his lower lip. “Before you ask, yes, I could have said something to them. But they don’t hear me. Once when I was 6 I fell off of my bike and broke my arm. They never noticed. I sat at the table eating dinner with them as my arm dangled at my side turning three shades of purple. They never noticed. A teacher at school did and I was rushed to the hospital just before infection set in. My parents never asked how it happened. Instead they discussed the dangers of lead paint that might be in our home. So when I say I woke my father up, I did. He saw me. He woke up.”

“Interesting” Jerry said. Max glared.

“Don’t say that” Max said. “When people say something is interesting that is just their passive aggressive way of letting you know that they have nothing to say. How long have you been doing this? This is supposed to be therapeutic but all it is doing is upsetting me. Yeah, I know a part of this nonsense is to get me to vent. But I have already. I am no longer upset. I am nothing.”

“You feel you’re worth nothing?” Jerry asked. Max sighed.

“No” Max said. “I know that I am worth something. I feel like nothing. Are you even listening to me? What’s the worst day of your life?”

“I’m in no position to answer that, Max” Jerry said. “It would be very unprofessional on my part to tell you such information.” Max scoffed.

“Well let me tell you the worst day of my life” Max said. “My parents in their infinite wisdom decided to take me to a therapist that could offer nothing to me. I have never had a great day. I just lived. I just wanted to exist. I have no dreams of being a fireman, policeman, or doctor. I just want to be left alone. But there is something about me that makes people want to bother me. If I want to sit around of the roof of my school because its quiet that means I want to commit suicide. If I want to collect garbage to create art that means I am crazy. Because I don’t play grab ass during recess it means I am gay. There is no pleasing anyone the right way so I decided to please myself. Is that so wrong?”

In the reception area.

“I read a story in the paper today” Mom said. “85% of children will at some point in their life before the age of 15 commit an assault.”

“How old is Max?” Dad asked while rubbing the bandage that ran across his forehead. “He should be around that age, right?”

“I wonder how old Max is” Mom asked. “He is around 14 I think.”

“I’m 12 now” Max said as he walked out of Jerry’s office, closing the door behind him. “Let’s go.”

“You feel better?” Mom asked aloud.

“I’m sure he does” Dad said. “Look at how fast he’s going!”

Half an hour later the receptionist discovered a badly beaten Jerry under his desk.

To be continued.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Rosscast Episode 37: Get In My Belly!


In this episode I discuss Uno, eating sushi (dont be nasty!), having friends in relationships, dogs licking your face, getting turned down for craptacular jobs, and what to do if you're a complaining ass person. Enjoy!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Rosscast Episode 36: Me & My Lady!


In this very, very special episode I a joined by my girlfriend, Jess! We discuss everything from marriage, rings, Ryan Phillipe, bad proposals, the lack of communication in society, bad neighbors, memory erasing, and cock rings. Be sure to listen to likely the best episode of the Rosscast yet! Enjoy!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

How Dante Spent His Day

PhotobucketI had what I consider a busy day today. Some people make fun of me when I say my day was busy. Listen up. When I say my day is busy I mean I left the house. I have been doing this leaving the house thing a bit more often and enjoying it. But I refuse to neglect my home and let it get funky and filthy. If anyone has listened to my Rosscast then you know that is unacceptable.
The day started with a trip to a job fair downtown. It was warm as hell outside so I chose a short sleeve black shirt and nice grey dress pants. It was at a hotel downtown that was all spiffy looking but the actual event was very lackluster. If I wanted to buy some “Green” products this was the place to be. But if you were looking for a job it was a bit difficult.
As I was walking I noticed a lot of the strange ass “art” that litters downtown. I know art is subjective and all that hippy nonsense we all say to defend our skewed opinions, but some of this stuff is just garbage.
I was not impressed.
As I walked further I passed the Disney Concert Hall. You know those tanning things that folks used to use? That foil thing? That’s what this place is. A big ass tanning foil thing. When you walk past it on a day like today it raises the temperature like 20 degrees. I don’t like that. I’m a delicate flower as you all know and hate being hot. I prefer cold weather as I get to wear my many jackets.
I also hate sweating. Me sweating is not a pretty sight.
I was able to get to the bus stop pretty fast while power walking in my dress shoes. Those shoes are very dangerous. The have absolutely no traction on the bottom so any smooth surface becomes a foe as I James Brown my way across the city.
Oh, God. On the bus ride home this dude gets on holding his can of beer and singing his drunk little heart out. I had to just turn up my headphones and drown him out with the smooth sounds of Hatebreed, Mos Def, Tool, and Live. I waited until he closed his eyes and took this picture.
After I got home I cleaned up and played video games while talking to my sister and bitching at her for not going to the job fair. She acted like she couldn’t get there but she was just being a lazy ass. Its not like she missed out on much but her excuse annoyed me very fast. Later me and my lady headed to The Grove to catch their free movies they play outdoors during the summer. Tonight they played “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” I have never sat through an Indiana Jones film and it didn’t happen tonight. Our asses got sore from the bleacher seats and we were cold. It was a very good day and I’m glad I got to see my lady. No, I didn’t get to grab her ass but still. Good day.

"Max" Chapter 4

Max was released after six months of therapy. Mom and Dad barely watched him as he sat in the backseat. Max was a careful child. He always looked both ways before he crossed the street. Made sure to wear protection when riding his bike. Always buckled his seatbelt. Today he did not buckle his seatbelt.

“Happy to head back home, Max?” Dad asked. “I bet you miss your room.” Max looked out of the window.

“You should be happy” Mom said. “You could’ve been killed in that place.” Max looked at the back of Mom’s head. “After we put you in there we started finding all of these horror stories about people getting shock treatments.”

“Yeah” Dad said. “They would come out and kill themselves or their family. They were never the same afterwards. But not you, Max. You look the same. Good job.” Max returned to looking out of the window.

Back home Max walked to his room as his parents stayed in the living room. He placed his bags on the floor. Max never placed his bag on the floor. Max always placed everything where it belonged. He sat on his bed and stared at the wall until the sun came down.

The next morning Max was up before his alarm clock. Mom and Dad were in front of the television watching the news as they often did offering their social commentary as they shook their heads in disbelief at the world outside.

“Savages” Dad said as he lit another cigarette. “No one cares about anyone anymore.”

“I blame the lack of parental involvement in their children’s lives” Mom said as she picked at a small mole near her jaw line. “Parents pretend their children don’t exist. They don’t notice them until they’re in court.” Max stepped in front of the television.

“Good morning, Max” Dad said. “Bet it felt good to sleep in your own bed again.”

“Listen” Max said.

Mom stopped picking at her possibly cancerous mole. Dad’s cigarette fell out of his mouth and into his lap. He jumped up quickly, wiping the embers from his crotch. He took a step towards Max. Max held his hand up.

“For 11 years I have lived with the two of you. I have had no problem with having you forget my birthdays. I have had no problem with you forgetting parent/teacher conferences. I have no problem with the fact that you have never told me that you loved me. But what I do have a problem with is being placed in a psych ward for half a year and having my brains fried.” Max ran his fingers through his hair. Max always kept his hair cut short and neat. It had not been cut in six months. “How dare you? I mean, seriously. Why did you do it? It couldn’t have been because I was any trouble for you. Six months of my life gone. And why? That was not a rhetorical question. Tell me why.” Mom and Dad just stared in shock as their son said more in the past minute than he had in his entire life. “I said tell me!” Max shouted. He quickly scanned the room for an object. Settling on the ashtray that sat upon the small table he pick it up and threw it at his father striking him between the eyes. His fathers eyes crossed and he slid to the floor. “Will you tell me, Mom?”

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"Max" Chapter 3

“Electroconvulsive therapy has been used for many years” Dr. Roberts told Mom and Dad. “It has worked for decades, curing patience of everything from dementia to depression.”

“I don’t think Max is depressed” Mom said. “He is just a normal kid.” Max looked at the doctor and smiled. The smile was not returned. “I’m not sure if shock therapy is good for him.”

Electroconvulsive therapy” the doctor corrected Mom. “And it will be good for him. Now if you would just sign here…” he said as he slid a sheet of paper across the desk. Dad picked it up and began reading it. “I assure you that everything is in order.”

“’Risk of death’?” Dad asked. “Max could be killed from this?”

“There is a slight risk” Dr. Roberts said. “Very slight. It almost never happens.”

“Hmm…” Mom hummed as she read the contract with Dad. Dad shrugged and signed the paper and gave it back to the doctor.

For three weeks Max was subjected to electroconvulsive therapy. The nurses were amazed that he did not scream. Every day it was the same routine. Max would awaken at 6am. Eat his breakfast at 6:55am just before it was removed from his room. At 11am his first treatment began. Lunch at 2pm. Eaten at 2:55pm. Next session of therapy at 4pm. Dinner at 7pm. Eaten by Max at 7:55pm. Sleep at 9pm. Repeat.

One day Mom and Dad paid Max a visit. Dad pat Max on the head while Mom removed a book from her purse and began reading it. Max stared straight ahead watching his parents.

“You look good, Max” Dad said as he checked his watch. Max stared.

“How are they treating you?” Mom asked while licking her thumb to turn the page. Max stared.

“Meet any new friends?” Dad asked. Max stared.

“Have they told you when you’ll come home?” Mom asked. Max stared.

“This was nice, being together again like this” Dad said as he stood, pat Max on the head, and left. Max stared.

“It was” Mom said as she placed her book back into her purse and left as well. Max stared.

“I hate the both of you” Max said.

"Max" Chapter 2

“This is the third time this month” Principal Smith said to Mom and Dad. Mom nodded and Dad pursed his lips. Max was on the roof of the school. He had not threatened to jump. He had not thrown any objects over the side. He was just there. “If this happens again we will be forced to suspend Maximillion and charge the both of you with the fees from the fire department.”

“We understand” Dad said as he rose to his feet. “Sorry about the trouble. We’ll talk to Max later.”

“The thing is Maximillion is a good student, Mr. Thomason” Principal Smith said. “But his behavior is, how can I say this?, odd.”

“Odd?” Mom asked. “How so?”

“The backpack full of garbage. The rooftop incidents. He never speaks in class. Just…odd behavior.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad” Dad said. “Is he disrupting other students?”

“No” Principal Smith said. “Have you ever considered counseling?”

“Our marriage is fine thank you and I don’t see what that has to do with Max’s behavior” Mom said defensively.

“No, for Maximillion” Principal Smith said. He removed his glasses and began cleaning them with his tie. Max smiled. The smile was not returned. “Children like, uh, him, eventually are lead down a dark path. Crime. Drugs. Assault.”

“Assault?” Dad asked as he looked at Max. “Him?”

“It happens” Principal Smith said. “There have been plenty of students that began quiet, just like Maximillion here only to turn to a life of crime. Just last year a former student was involved in that bank robbery near downtown.”

“I remember that” Mom said. “Sad story” she said with no emotion.

“We will look into getting Max counseling” Dad said as he pat Max on the head and left with Mom. Max looked at Principal Smith and smiled once again.

“Its just you and me, young man” he said to Max. “You have privacy here. Did your parents ever touch you?” Max smiled. “You can tell me. Did they ever hurt you?” Max just smiled.

His parents had never touched him painfully or inappropriately. Principal Smith shook his head at Max and opened his door. Max smiled and left the office. It was lunch time and Max had a meal waiting for him. The lunch lady, Mrs. Simmons, handed him his meal from behind the counter.

“Just the way you like it, Max” she said with a smile. Max frightened Mrs. Simmons. He was quiet. Too quiet. “Have a good day.” Max licked his lips and opened his mouth slightly. The lunch room went silent with the anticipation of hearing Max speak. He sniffed for a moment, took a fork, and walked away.

"Max" Chapter 1

This is a story. An unextraordinary story about an unextraordinary boy. A boy named Maximillion Thomason. Max for short. Max lived in a city that was as equally as unextraordinary as he was in a home like many others on a street that will remain unnamed as it too is unextraordinary.

Max’s parents had always wanted a child for no particular reason. Perhaps to love. No one has ever bothered to find out as the neighbors never spoke to them and found no reason to. Mom sat at the breakfast table slowly eating oatmeal while Dad sipped from his lukewarm cup of coffee. Occasionally they would glance at Max. To make sure he was still there or breathing no one is sure. But there he sat. All 5’1”, 97lbs. of him.

“Isn’t it your birthday, Max?” Dad asked. Mom stopped eating just as the spoon of oatmeal reached her lips. Dad had not asked Max specifically. He just asked aloud leaving the question to be answered. Or not. “I could’ve sworn your birthday was today.”

“It can’t be” Mom said. “We would remember something like that, right?”

Max did not answer. He just sat and smiled while staring into his cold bowl of oatmeal. Max liked his food cold. No one ever asked him why. Either they did not care or did not need to know. He looked at Dad for a moment and blinked twice. He then placed his hand against his bowl of oatmeal and shrugged before taking his spoon and shoveling a large portion into his mouth.

“If it were his birthday he would’ve said something” Dad said. “Every kid gets excited about their birthday. Don’t they?”

Dad was not sure if this statement was correct. Truth be told neither he nor his wife could remember much about their childhoods. This suited them just fine. Dad finished his coffee and patted Max on the head awkwardly. Mom looked at her watch and frowned.

“Time for school, Max” she said aloud. Max wiped oatmeal from the corners of his mouth with his shirt collar and rose from his seat. He slung his large green backpack over his shoulder and headed for the door. “Do you have everything you need, Max?” Mom asked. Max looked at the ceiling for a moment before heading out of the door.

Though the school offered a bus program Max never used it. He chose to walk the three miles to school and three miles back daily. No one knew why. No one bothered to ask why. Along the way Max would fill his backpack with various items. Rocks. Leaves. The occasional broken bottle. No one knew what he did with these items. No one ever asked. As he neared the school a young man named Tyler emerged from a row of bushes and stood in Max’s path. Max smiled at Tyler. The smile was not returned.

“What are you so happy about?” Tyler asked Max. Max touched his chin as if deep in thought and slightly opened his mouth as if he were about to speak before putting his hand back at his side and closing his mouth. And smiling. “Are you retarded or something?” Tyler asked. Max blinked twice. “You give me the creeps.” Tyler walked away. Max entered the school. But not before placing a small red straw into his backpack.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Pinkberry's & Red Dresses

So yesterday my girlfriend asked why I don’t write as much on here anymore. I have been writing less in general. I am still writing my articles for Tha O Show but on this site I have been all kinds of lazy and just doing my podcasts and movies and stuff. So here goes.
This past Sunday they had the Red Dress Party at the gay bar across the street called The Gold Coast. Those in the know have been calling it The Old Coast for years. The Red Dress Party is a celebration of this guy that worked there years ago that died. This dude would wear a red dress at work like it was no thing. So every year around this time all these people show up wearing various forms of red attire.
This thing gets bigger every year (that’s what she said). There were a couple hundred guys there and more women than usual. And its loud. Very loud. It sounded like a concert right outside my damned window. That’s where I took these pictures from as there was no way in hell I was putting my sweet virgin ass in danger by marching myself down there. I’m sure next year it will be even crazier and louder so I really need to make sure I’m not here when it happens.
Yesterday I met my lady at her job during her lunch break. We headed to Subway where I was tempted to ask for a BLT and have them hold the B. I asked for it toasted like an ass and the booty parts of the bread was super crispy. It was like a crouton. I still enjoyed it since I believe that bacon makes anything better. If you tortured me by whacking my balls in a chair James Bond style but had bacon cooking in the room it wouldn’t hurt as much.
Afterwards we headed to Pinkberry and got this tasty ass cup of yogurt. Is it yogurt? I’m not sure but it was good. It was a passion fruit with blueberries, mango, and Fruity Pebbles. My lady wanted Oreo’s thrown in there but I vetoed that idea. I don’t like the coming together or chocolate and fruit. Makes my stomach mad at me. It was very good but there were these two ants that were hellbent on getting a taste. I would blow them into the grass and they would come back. I believe it was the same two ants. Otherwise they were just being asses in twos.

I am upset that it took me so long to visit my lady during her lunch breaks. It was really nice out near the beach and it was awesome to see her during the day even if it was just for an hour or so. I got to grab her ass in public so it wasn’t bad at all. I hopped on the bus and the “it is” hit me. Actually, it hit everyone. People were passing out on the bus left and right. I dozed off for moments at a time while doing lanyards. I made one the length of my arm with metal beads at the end. It may sound like a sex toy but it is a deadly weapon. I am waiting to whack myself in the face with it.

See, babe? I wrote something. Now you have to write something on your blog site.


Saturday, July 18, 2009

Rosscast Episode 35: "Don't Hurt 'Em, D!"


In this episode I go off on my punkass father. I talk about my lovely Grandma's funeral today and how I fell down twice while skating at World On Wheels lastnight. I manage to squeeze in some news about Obama, Hillary Clinton, women shooting their husbands in the nuts, and more. Enjoy!

Living Room Wrestling Stepdaddy/Season Premiere Promo

After the brutal show "Living Room Wrestling: Dead Men Walking!", the former LRW champion Stepdaddy has issued a challenge to the current champion Season Premiere. Will he accept his challenge or will he hide? Find out now!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Rosscast 34: Death By Chocolate!


In probably the most random ass episode ever I discuss hand transplants, ninja babies, my non-existent children, getting choked with purse strings, the best way to die, NASA and their uselessness, Bruno, and my random ass week. Enjoy!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

"Apartment 6" Teaser Trailer

Rosscast Episode 33: WTF...?


In this episode I discuss the recent passing of my Grandma, Mary Ross. I also talk about the random killing of McNair, the Michael Jackson memorial, our retarded ass mayor who wants us to foot the bill for said memorial, and nasty ass mothers that have no business raising kids. Enjoy!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Rosscast Episode 32: Rock N' Roll Messiah!


In this bonus Rosscast I bitch about how bad music is nowadays and the few people I think can save it. I also squeeze in a suggestion for all women and what to do with their hair. Enjoy!

Rosscast Episode 31: Heropsychodreamer!


This episode is all over the place! I talk about the Bowflex, Tyra Banks, bad infomercials, the 4th of July, my lady's birthday, fireworks, John Fogerty, my sick grandma, and other random crap. Enjoy!

Friday, July 3, 2009

"Get To Work!"

"Go-Bots vs. Transformers"

I love this site. It lets you type text and makes it into a funny little film. You will be seeing more of these from me. You have been warned. Now transform and roll out!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Rosscast Episode 30: Respect My House!


In this episode I talk about one of the most serious issues facing the Black community: Ashyness. But first I talk about drugs and why meth is one of the most ugly looking drugs on the planet. Enjoy!