Saturday, May 31, 2014

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Men Articles

While chatting with someone who had posted an article from Cosmo featuring a “plus size” model I got to thinking about how much I hate Cosmo. I found an article titled 16 Things You Think He Cares About But Really Doesn't that is allegedly written by a guy. I say that because most of the articles done by this site and magazine seem to be geared towards women who already hate themselves and need that extra little push to go into full blown hating their bodies mode or actually have confidence and need it knocked down a little bit.

I found that this one actually had some things that are true so I will be fair in my responses while writing this. Kinda fair. Nothing is 100% fair. Not even 69's. Some people are just greedier than others, folks.

1. If you don't shave your legs every day. You might notice a bit of stubble coming in, but he sure as hell doesn't. You can let it go a couple days, a couple weeks, whatever. He's not going to notice, and even if he does, all he cares about is that your pants are off. are wearing shorts. There are plenty of times a woman's legs are showing that involve her pants being across the room on a pile of clothes neither of you want to pick up because you're too busy getting bizzay. I have had chicks say “I haven't shaved...” as if that is some kind of deterrent. Please. Your legs could be on fire and I'll still want to touch them. If a guy complains because your legs haven't been shaved start complaining about his balls that look like a briar patch. If he doesn't know what a briar patch is kick him out the house. 

Stale Cinnabon Battle

Andrea Ann McCullough, 33, of South Carolina is in trouble. Before I get to her though let me just point out that Ohio and South Carolina are in competition for being the second craziest state in the country behind Florida. Around 7pm Andrea headed to a local Cinnabon and bought one of their delicious treats. She got her food and got mad telling someone on staff that it was stale. Fair enough. It happens. That's specifically why microwaves were created. It is being reported that she started yelling and then the employee said there was only one bun left started yelling back because that is a smart thing to do. Next thing you know Andrea is so pissed off that she says “I'm going to shoot down the place!” Employees told her they were gonna call the police and she left. Andrea was later arrested and charged with second-degree assault.

I seriously look at mugshots of people and think to myself “How can people let things escalate so fast?” I see people get snappy with cashiers knowing that in most cases it doesn't make anything better. I'm not known as a shouter. I mutter complaints about things. I started getting stale donuts from the place near me and stopped going there. No need to get into a fight over it and end up with my stupid face online because I got arrested. I haven't had a Cinnabon in years. Those buttery motherfuckers will melt in your mouth, man. Me and my brother Kevin would buy two each because we knew one would be gone before we reached his car. But I ain't gonna threaten anyone because one of them wasn't all that fresh. One of them donuts from Glazed? Okay, maybe then I would get into a fight.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2014

Maxim released their Hot 100 2014 list and they managed to piss me off right from the start. I actually voted this time and I take this more seriously than presidential elections. Why? Because shut up. I just do. They allegedly take the votes from readers and come up with these results and pick a winner and just like the presidential elections I think its rigged. I have a pretty good grasp of pop culture so I am so damned confused when there are women on these lists that I never even knew existed let alone popular enough to make the top 100.

Coming it at 100 is Rebecca Garcia. Who in the blue hell is this woman?! There are a bunch of other women I've never heard of which already is making me nervous from the start. Some of the pictures they use for this don't help. They have Iggy Azalea at 96 which is total bullshit. I'm not a fan of her as a performer and that isn't what this list is about. But she is a damn fine looking woman. Is her ass fake? Likely. Do I care? Not at the moment.

Clueless reenactment for the win!

Poor Gal Godat who is supposed to be the next Wonder Woman can't catch a break. She is ranked 84 on this list. Seriously, as a producer of the movies that will star her I'd be really nervous. That she can't crack even the top 50 in any list. They have this wrestler named Eva Marie at 84 which is so many levels of bullshit. I don't care what anyone says, she is not the business. She looks puzzled or mean to mean in every picture I see. Gabrielle Union is 81 which means that every other woman on this list needs to look great because she is so the pants tightener. Holy shit. Tightener is a word!

Monday, May 26, 2014

What People Care About This Week: Elliot Rodgers

Back when I was younger me and my friend agreed that if we didn't get laid by the time we were 16 that we would kill ourselves. I mean, if we couldn't get laid then why the hell would we want to continue living? As you can tell I didn't kill myself even though I didn't lose my virginity until I was 17. Sex was that important. But now as a grown ass man I realize how stupid it is to put that much emphasis on sex. There is a line from the book Carrie that I've always remembered but can't recall who said it. I think it was the meanest chick. She was talking about boning her boyfriend and said it “seemed like a lot of rubbing or a little heat.” Someone should've explained this to Elliot Rodgers.

Or maybe not.

Maybe it wouldn't have made much of a difference. Some people are just fucked up and no matter what you say they're gonna go on and just ruin other people's lives because they aren't happy. Elliot was upset that at the age of 22 he was still a virgin. He made videos and wrote about the revenge that he was going to take against every woman that ever did him wrong. Nay! The world! Fucking maroon. He even wrote a 140 page story detailing his plan. This is gonna be long so feel free to grab a cup of tea and sit back as I attempt to figure out a lunatic.

"Pros & Cons"

I'm such a lousy shot. When all is said and done that's what it all boiled down to. The showdown at sundown. Mano y mano. In the fourteen years I've done this not once did I ever have to use my gun.

“Man, we'll make so much money from this we'll never have to do it again” Marsh, my partner, said. The red flag went up. But Marsh is my boy so I went along with it. But as soon as shit hit the fan Marsh was gone. No, wait. S soon as the pre-shit presented itself he took off. And there was no fantastic Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid shootout. Just a 78 year old rent-a-cop with an itchy trigger finger. Too bad he scratched his itch on me and not Marsh.

Too late to worry about that now. Too late for everything. I hear Marsh got away. Good for him.

Note: I found this story under my kitchen sink. I have hundreds of stories I wrote by hand on paper that I've never typed up and chances are they will stay in the box. I have boxes of stories, scripts, and drawings that aren't online.

Click here for other short stories.  

Sunday, May 25, 2014

I Care When I Want

I was recently asked why I care so much about Hollywood gossip. I answered “Because its interesting to me.” Lots of things are. Food, comedy, and women wearing red draws all interest me. If a woman is funny, knows how to cook, and flashes me some red chances are I will break all my vows and marry her. But since that isn't happening allow me to continue. Besides gossip and stuff there are things that I actually do read about and have knowledge of that I just don't talk about with friends. Why? Most of it is just depressing as fuck to me.

Girls being raped and kidnapped in Africa, cars just blowing up because its cheaper to just let it happen and pay off folks than it is to recall them as soon as the issue is known, MERS, planes vanishing out the sky, Russia saying “Fuck rules!”, its all just too much and not fun. This doesn't mean that I don't know about things other than what Lindsay Lohan and her stupid face is up to. Like Pygmies of the Congo for instance. For well over a hundred years they have been getting fucked over in various ways. They were brought to America and around the world as parts of circuses back in the day. Till this day they are still hunted and used as food even though over a decade the U.N decided that this was not a cool thing to do. Despite getting help from former MMA fighter Justin Wren who they have named Efeosa (“the man who loves us”) this is still going on and worse. And we're helping make it worse.

Yeah. This is gonna be one of those posts.

Teacher Fired For Getting Dating Advice From 4th Graders

A substitute teacher in New York, Cassandre Fiering, has been fired after using her 4th grade students for dating advice. What seemed to really push it over the edge was reenacting scenarios with them. In PS 189 (I swear these NY school names are so strange) she wanted the kids advice with a guy that she had started dating. She allegedly asked the kids to toilet paper the guys house and touched the kids while role-playing. She said she kept things G-rated. “The kids were saying, 'Oh, we're your counselor.' They were excited to have me listen to their advice. They were saying all kinds of things, trying to help me because this guy was being a jerk to me.” Apparently there were only four students in class because the rest were on a field trip. Translation: the bad kids or the ones that forgot trip slips.

I have some experience with this. When I was in the 10th grade my geometry teacher at Fairfax was getting married. This was an older White lady who was dating an Arab guy. Me and this one other girl who looked way too much like the first girl I ever kissed knew that this whole situation was gonna be bad.

So one day she brings a bunch of fliers (this was the 90's, kids) advertising a garage sale. She was selling all her shit because she was going to be moving overseas with this guy. One day she brought one of them ninja looking gimmicks that Middle eastern women wear. “We can't show our face!” she said with so much joy. Mind you, this entire time we're not doing any work in class. 3rd period was listen to teacher talk about her love life.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Locking Kids In Cars While Getting Waxed

A 22 year old mother of two in Kentucky named Courtney Kippes was arrested for leaving her two kids (2 and 3 year olds) in an unlocked, hot car while she was busy getting her vajayjay waxed. There are so many things wrong with that sentence. Some business owners in the area called the police after hearing screams from the children in the car. When cops showed up the kids were hot and sweaty. While inside the place getting waxed the business owner asked her if she had kids and she said that she didn't. She should've been honest because he was probably trying to save her goofy ass. Either way, cops showed up and busted her.

Then while in her car they found a crushed pill and straw for snorting a little booger sugar. Her bond has been set at $500 because its a woman. Oh, shut up. You know its true. She has been charged with child endangerment and drug possession. She looks okay. Love the Batman tattoo, but why get two? You freak. When I was little my parents left us in the car all the time. It was the 80's. We were way more durable and afraid of our parents. Just look out the window at all the other hot, sweaty Black kids whose parents knew not to take them into Ralph's. One time they left us in the car and me and my brother were goofing around and hit the brake and the car started rolling back. I had to run into the store and find my parents. I think my father beat a few months off my lifespan that night but I learned to not fuck around in the car when I was locked in it.  

Scary New Happy Meal Mascot

McDonald's released their new mascot for their Happy Meals today and his name is Happy. This thing creeps me right the fuck out. I heard about this on a radio show and thought “It can't be as bad as they are making it sound.” I was wrong. This goddamn thing eats souls. How much money was used to figure out how to make a Happy Meal scary? How many hours went into it? Either far too many or not close to enough. This nightmare instigator was created in France back in 2009 and has been spreading its wave of fear across the globe and eventually settling in America. Its like Godzilla. It is also a part of McDonald's new effort to push their healthier kids meals which are meals that if I had gotten when I was growing up would've caused a lot of pouting. “So instead of fries, a burger, and soda I get milk, an apple, and chicken McNuggets? Horray!” no child ever shouted.

McDonald's is trying to defend all the criticism towards their new thing you need to check under the bed for. “Social media is a great place to have a conversation and express an opinion, but not all comments reflect the broader view.” It is someone's job to downplay the medium that they've used to push new shit. This nonsense is on the heels of a new Ronald McDonald as well as Burger King changing their slogan from “Have it your way” to the strange “Be your way.” What the fuck does that even mean?! That sounds like something an asshole would say to be passive aggressive. “You wanna hang out with your friends instead of me? Fine. Be your way.” Fast food is dicks. True statement written terribly. Look at that damned thing. If I opened my door and this was standing outside of it I would pee a little. 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Chocolate Bunny Arrested For Murder

18 year old Amber Ward who also goes by the name “Chocolate Bunny” Florida has been charged with the murder of 29 year old Isaac Grace. Yes. Murder most foul! She met him online through Backpage ads and they hooked up at a hotel room in Tallahassee hotel room where she shot the shit out of him and took his cell phone. She is known for being a prostitute which is a terrible thing to be known for because of previous arrests. Police ended up finding her goofy ass after tracing calls made from the phone back to where she was in Mobile, Alabama because science. They found bullet shell casings in her car that they think will match the ones found at the crime scene. I've never bought a hooker before but I like to think I could do better than ol' Chocolate Bunny here. I mean...come on. She looks like me in a wig. Actually I look better in a wig. Want proof? Click this.

I can't believe that this is an 18 year old. I have talked about plenty of times how I think prostitution should be legal. Maybe if it were there wouldn't be a need for this 18 year old...girl to be hooking up with folks in hotel rooms and shooting their faces off. I wonder how it escalated to murder. Did he not wanna pony up the cash or did she go there with the intentions of killing this guy? They say she had ads posting he services hundreds of miles from each other so there may be even more victims. Dudes are usually too embarrassed to report when a woman has fucked them up which is sad. You pull a gun on my ass, man or woman, I'm saying something. But then there's the whole “I was looking to get laid by a hooker” issue that's a part of it. Hard to tell the law that you were robbed while trying to get some strange. If this chick hadn't been dumb enough to use a phone she took from a man she murdered it would've been a win/win. For her. Not him. Because she killed him.  

Facebook Gets Drunk Arrested

Colleen Cudney, 22, of Michigan is on probation for drunk driving on St. Patrick's Day of 2012. After this past SPD she had to go in for a breathalyzer test and she passed it. Yay for her. But she couldn't leave it that because that's not how young folks roll. She had to let the world know of this achievement on her Facebook page and narc on herself at the same time. “Buzz killer for me, I had to breathalyze this morning and I drank yesterday but I passed thank god lol.” Yes. LOL indeed. God is good for allowing this to happen. Fuck the world's problems. He's gotta make sure your goofy ass pasts a drunk test. So the police found out about this because when you do dumb shit chances are cops are gonna be on your page. Also, chances are your page is wide open because people are stupid. She was contacted to come in for a piss test and hung up on them because that's how you avoid the law. Just hang up. You didn't know that? Crazy how simple it is. Its like when you get pulled over. Just stick your fingers in your ears and go “Lalalalalalalalala...” and they can't give you a ticket.

So she is due in court soon and could go to jail for just over three months. Could you imagine actually getting off scott free and outing yourself the way she did? She won if you want to call being a 22 year old on probation because you don't know how to drink responsibly and getting behind the wheel of a vehicle and having a criminal history and beating the system for a while. Why brag about it? If I had a friend that posted some dumb shit like this I'd call or message them and tell them to not be proud of being a jackass. Oh, and delete your status update! Did anyone congratulate her on accomplishing such a feat? For anyone thinking this is a waste of tax dollars and that there are far more dangerous people in the world, you may be a part of the problem. I've had family die because some idiot thought it was a good idea to get drunk and climb behind the wheel of a car. I say lock her up for three years. Why? Because I haven't eaten cereal yet and I'm in a mood.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Students Use Rat Poison On New York Teacher

A New York school is being occupied by a couple of shepherds for the devil! A 9 and 12 year old from PS 315 in Brooklyn, NY have been charged with reckless endangerment, criminal possession of a weapon, and attempted assault after it was discovered that they put rat poison in the 51 year old teachers drink. It is being said that the boys wanted to see what would happen if they gave this to their teacher who after having the drink went to the principal and then the hospital where she is recovering. The school was alerted to what made the teacher sick after another student reported seeing the students do this to their parent. The 9 year old is the one who supplied the poison. The Department of Education said “We are greatly relieved that the teacher is recovering and we continue to closely monitor this situation. Ensuring the safety of our entire schools community is our priority, and while this matter is still under investigation, we will take swift and appropriate action.” 

The biggest question I have so far is why is there a 12 year old kid in the damned 4th grade?! This is why I couldn't have kids or be left in charge of them for an extended amount of time. Because I would lose all of my shit on these kids as a parent, teacher, or law enforcement. As a parent I would be upset that I had raised such a dumb, evil child. “Maybe the kid is having a hard time at home” someone said. Almost everyone does! That is no excuse to poison your fucking teacher! As a cop I would be compelled to hit these kids with charges as an adult. “That's not reasonable!” you say. Sorry for not wanting to die by having kids poison me! As a teacher I would never trust kids again. I know that sounds horrible but its how I feel. No teacher should have to worry about having their own students putting poison in the shit. This isn't King Arthur times or Game Of Thrones where poison is used almost like a spice.  

Monday, May 19, 2014

Man Has Sex With ATM Machine

You ever have one of those nights where you're just walking down the street and you see an ATM machine that's just asking for it? You have? Freak! Social deviant! Lonnie Hutton, 49, of Tennessee was arrested at a bar around 9pm when he walked up to an ATM machine, pulled his pants down, and tried to fuck the damned thing. After that he started walking around the bar thrusting into the air. Then he ran out of fucks to give and started fucking a wooden picnic table after being placed outside the bar. This guy is a champion! Just look at this mess. Can you picture him walking around a bar with his pants around his ankles fucking everything inanimate? Night. Ruined. He was charged for public intoxication and is locked up on $250 bond which doesn't seem like all that much.

I bet this is what that ATM looked like to Lonnie. Each time I hear about a story like this I wish that they would print exactly what these people drink so I can make sure to avoid that magical concoction at every cost. If it was like “If you mix two whiskeys, vodka, half a beer, and a margarita you will fuck an ATM machine” I'd make sure to drink all of that except for the margarita. When you're in your 20's stories like this are common but as you get older and look back you realize what a moron you were. I think of the two times I got so drunk I had blackouts and wonder how I didn't end up fucking an ATM machine myself. I do recall seeing a gas pump that was giving me the eye that one time though. I'll fill you up, you saucy wench...  

Kids These Days 38

This past weekend when I was seeing Godzilla with my cousin we stopped off at the little cafe they have there and she got coffee and a cookie. She asked the cashier if the cookies tasted like cafeteria cookie and he just shrugged. When someone says “cafeteria cookie” I know exactly what they are talking about. There is a taste, texture, and smell that goes into one of these type of cookies that is just incredible. I started telling her about the one day at school when the cookies were “burned” so they were handing them out for free.

I took four and ran off with them hidden as if they were stolen. These cookies were a hot commodity! I felt like that Black lady in that episode of The Chappelle Show when Black people got reparations and she said to the newscaster “Hide ya money, ya'll! There's poor people around! With ya broke ass!” because this was not a school occupied by rich children. These cookies cost a quarter and quarters were a big deal when I was little.

Oh, so many cookies could be bought...

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Teachers Gone Wild

Female teachers have lost all their shits. In Oklahoma Kalyn Thompson, 25, who was teaching at Kellyville High School resigned after she found out that an investigation was being launched when it was discovered that she was sleeping with a 18 year old student. The age of consent in Oklahoma is 16 but when it is between teachers and students they must wait until the student is 21 before they can bone. That goes for current or former which makes me wonder how many 21 year old folks are still in high school. She also changed his grades after they started sleeping together. She admitted to school officials that that they talked about sex, sent texts that were inappropriate. She was charged with second degree rape and was bailed out on $35,000 bond. Parents and teachers are shocked that this happened. Surely some teachers are upset that she picked this student over them. By the way, any teachers reading this: stop fucking the staff. We can speculate if a teacher is sleeping with a student but we know when you are having sex with each other.

In another story former substitute teacher Tanikka Queen of Las Vegas who is 22 was outed by another student for sleeping with a 15 year old 8th grader. Wait. 15 in the 8th grade? I was 13 in the 8th grade. Huh. A female student whose mother was friends with Queen found texts on her phone talking about the affair. The boys father saw a hickey on his sons neck and was suspicious instead of proud like he should've been! At first she said she didn't sleep with the boy and that she was helping him since he was repeating the 8th grade for the third time. Wow. That explains that. School district police ended up finding 2,400 text messages, 38 pictures, and 108 calls between the two that started around Valentine's Day. “Remember no matter how I act at school I still love you with all my heart” she said in one text. She admitted to cops that she was sending too much time with the boy and slept with him while she was house sitting for a friend. Her bail was reduced to $50,000 and a judge placed her on house arrest and that she couldnot contact anyone under the age of 18 and that she could not use the internet. “Awwww you're making me blush. Why do you have to be young? Lol I wanna tell the world. When you turn 16?” Oh, Queen. Stop it.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Drunk Driving & Meth Dealing

Teachers have been losing their shit recently. Thankfully these next two stories have nothing to do with kids being boned. 48 year old Patricia Almond of Humble, Texas was charged with DWI on the way to class before 8am after cops pulled her over. She hit a retaining wall on the highway and she reeked of booze and was swaying side to side. The school district released a statement saying “The incident is being addressed through the court system, as it happened off campus, outside of school hours, and did not involve students. Human Resources will be reviewing the police report and then meeting with the staff member to discuss options.” I have been in class where I was pretty sure my teacher was drunk. In junior high there was this one teacher who loved his mug a little too much and would just float off to heaven with every sip out of it. If this lady walked into class and you didn't know something was wrong then that's on you. I bet she'd burst into flames if you lit a match near her.

Oh, Texas. You're so not the Florida of crazy but you still try. A first grade teach named Monica Quintero who is 31 was busted for selling drugs out of her home including meth, heroin, Oxycontin, Xanax, Adderall, and GHB! Her convict ass boyfriend and two other guys were also charged and arrested. Cops got a complain about strange odors and when they asked to come in she said sure because high. They found enough drugs to bring Jesus back along with cash and weapons. The kitchen was being used as a drug lab because he has time to eat when drugs need to be made? The district released a statement stating “With the arrest, the teacher is immediately put on leave while the charges work their way through the court system. District officials are now in the process of obtaining information about the allegations from Montgomery County officials. The district works cooperatively with law enforcement for the safety and welfare of all students.” She is still locked up on $100,000 bond.  

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Virginity Auction Called Off

This 27 year old chick named Hanna Kern that used the alias of Elizabeth Raine that was selling her virginity online in an auction has called it off. The reasons why vary but it is being said by some that she didn't get offered as much as she believed that she would. Kern is going for her Ph.D/M.D at the University of Washington and to get some money put her virginity up for sale. “Having given it a sincere try, I now completely understand why they never do work out. It is this very messy mix of auction and publicity that is near impossible to balance” she said on her blog called Musings Of A Virgin Whore she stated “I have decided to put a stop to this kerfuffle (to describe it nicely) and return my focus to my medical training. I still do possess some spitefully strong beliefs about virginity, prostitution, and a woman's right to do as she damned pleases, but school is my first priority (as it has been for my entire life). At this point, I no longer care about the auction, at all. This was a very easy decision.”

She hoped to get at least $400,000 (ha!) and after someone who would not go through the background process bid $801,000 she shut it all down. For a while after starting this she had hid her face which to me is never a good sign. “I actually didn't like the anonymity. People mistake it for shame. Plus, there has been some speculation that I'd be outed and I wanted to do it on my own terms” Kern stated in an interview. Unique Media PR who handled getting the news of this auction out there will be trying to get the money they wasted back. This isn't the first time an auction like this has taken place. I know that virginity is supposed to be precious and sacred. People get kidnapped and sold for it. For some reason a grown ass woman selling it in an auction seems worse to me than if she just stood in a restaurant and said “Whoever pays for me to finish up college gets to fuck me! It's totally for science!” But that doesn't get press and people would call her names.  

Friday, May 9, 2014

Dante Vs. Nature 42

Nature is like that crackhead in your family: you know what they are and you can pretty much know what to expect from them but you also know not to ever turn your back on them or trust them completely. I introduce to you, the Octogoat! This was born in Croatia this week. It has eight legs, a penis and vagina, and creeps me right the fuck out. Don't you dare says its cute. If you were walking down the street and this eight legged freak came galloping up to you chances are you wold either faint, scream, or shit yourself. Maybe you'd even scream, faint, then shit yourself all at the same time. It can happen. I'm not a fan of nature throwing curve balls. “I counted his legs and I thought I was seeing things. Then I called my neighbor to make sure that I am not crazy” farmer Zoran Paparic said in an interview. No. You're not crazy, sir. Nature is!

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

When Baby Mamas Attack!

This girl is crackling with sexual energy.
South Carolina is now competing with Ohio for second craziest state in the country. Oh, I bet you thought it was Texas. Ha! What is this? 2005? Get out of here with your nonsense. 21 year old Rodrick Tucker was over at the house of one of the mothers of his children, 23 year old Tabitha Martin after being invited in. She took him to the bedroom which should have sent his Spider Sense into a tail spin. But since he's 21 with two kids already I'm guessing that he was thinking of something else with something else. “He was thinking with his little head” some unoriginal bastard just said. So after he lays on the bed thinking he's about to get some stank on his hang low he was attacked. Not just by Tabitha but by his other baby mama! It appears that they are pissed because he has a new girlfriend! Oh, snap, son! This kid is slingin' mad dick, yo! I don't know why I'm talking like this. I think because stupid, young folks are involved so I have to try and relate to them on some level. Now this style of vernacular is all up in my dome piece! Okay, fine. I'll cut it out.

Courtney Littlejohn entered the bedroom “Oh, its the Juggernaut, bitch!” style after being tagged in and beating his ass Shield style. Rodrick says that they yanked him off the bed and started kicking his ass. Courtney, the big one, then sat on his chest pinning him to the floor so he couldn't get up. Seems legit. This is when shit got too much. They started using a taser on his dumb ass.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Loud Plane Sex

I have never flown on a plane. I'll wait as people gasp and wonder how I have managed to go 35 years without being on a plane. I'll tell you about how I don't have a cell phone next week. Or you can just click here and read about it. Anyhoot, since I have never been on a plane maybe that's why I don't get the appeal of having sex on a plane. There is the infamous Mile High Club and there are even planes that are specifically for having sex which is just too damned gross to eve ponder. This girl in her 20's was on a flight from London to Las Vegas on an eleven hour flight when passengers started complaining about loud sounds coming from the bathroom where she headed. They say that they saw her getting cozy with a guy near her before the loud sounds.

Oh, I forgot to mention that she was with her parents. Yeah. That is a thing that happened. The plane staff got the bathroom door open and she got all confrontational with them and started shouting. She is being described as “drunk.” So far we now know that she is British, in her 20's, and drunk. That narrows it down to about...10, maybe 11 women. They ended up handcuffing her to her seat for the rest of the flight. Surprisingly she didn't get charged with anything besides being a drunk ass that tries to fuck strangers on a plane while her family are a few feet away. That is until they landed at which time she kicked an officer and got charged with committing an indecent act.  

How Equal Do You Want It?

“I gotta tell you, I'm envious of women. I'm not saying your problems get solved but at least they're taken seriously. There's 1-800 numbers, there's ribbons, there's groups, people give a shit. Anything happens to a guy, it's just considered funny.” - Bill Burr

Will there ever be true equality between men and women? No. Should there be? Eh...depends on what day of the week you ask me. I was watching some clip from a show where one of the women in the group were talking about that lady that cut off her husbands dick and threw it into the garbage disposal. They all laughed. Now just flip that story. First off you gotta pick something that can be cut off a woman, thrown into a garbage disposal, and laughed about. You think of something yet? Neither have I. Know why? Because the shit isn't funny! Human mutilation can't be funny when it happens to one sex and not the other.

“Gender equality is the measurable equal representation of women and men. Gender equality does not imply that women and men are the same, but that they have equal value and should be accorded equal treatment. The United Nations regards gender equality as a human right. It points out that empowering women is also an indispensable tool for advancing development and reducing poverty. Equal pay for equal work is one of the areas where gender equality is rarely seen. All too often women are paid less than men for doing the same work.”

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Detroit Teacher Fired For Breaking Up Fight

I saw this story on the news about this teacher that was fired for breaking up a fight using a broom. I wish it has a nail at the end of it. At Pershing High School in Detroit, Michigan these two boys got into a fight. This wasn't a regular ass fight. It was a brawl. Another student was filming this as the teacher shouted at the boys after they fought for over half a minute. That sounds like a short amount of time, right? Start swinging wildly for thirty seconds and tell me how you feel. The teacher was fired and accused of child abuse while each boy got suspended for ten days. Now, I know it sounds bad. A teacher hitting students with a broom. That is until you hear more of the story. The walkie-talkie that the teachers have to call for security and such was broken so she couldn't even call for backup. Also, fuck kids fighting in school like this. Wait till lunch like a normal person. 

Another student was finally able to pull the two apart. Keith Johnson who is President of the Detroit Federation of Teachers says that the teacher was wrong for using a broom but he understood why she did. “Unfortunately, the method that she used, in terms of swatting one with a broom, is a violation of the corporal punishment provision under the Michigan school code. But she's caught in a quandary because under that same code she's expected to do what is necessary to diffuse a situation.” One of the boys interviewed said that the teacher should have called for help, waited for the fight to end, and when asked if he felt as if he caused her firing he said that she “got what she deserved.” Fuck this kid. And his mother. She was just as stupid as him when she was interviewed. They pointed out, like, what if the teacher did nothing and let the boys fight? What then? The mother pretty much said either way she would side with her dumb ass kid. I would've suplexed both kids through their desks. What would you have done?

Boneless Dante

It started with a desire to be celibate and it started sliding towards asexuality. Some people think that these two things are the same but they really aren't. Right now I'm in the middle of these two which is honestly easier than I ever thought it would be. Asexuals are described as someone who has no sexual feelings or desires but can and will still do things considered romantic. Someone who is celibate chooses not to bone for religious or personal reasons. And by personal reasons I mean religious reasons. I'm kidding...but not.

There is nothing like being on the receiving end of no sex because of a man no one sees and I'm not talking about an absentee father. There is no way to win that fight without someone making a significant life change or ending up on someone's biblical shit list. Here is part of what got me writing about this.

Beastman: Dante, Obama is not going to GET you Rosario Dawson no matter how much you protest in front of the federal building.

Dante: That's so 2012. I have moved on past her after her last relationship.

Beastman: Who's the belle du jour now?

Dante: No one. I'm on that asexual thing now. So stress free.

Beastman: You got to write an article on that. That seems so alien to me. Things like, how do you turn it off, you know what I mean? You meet or see a girl you like and your mind starts going there. Do you turn that part of your brain off? Or is it awkward being around people the exact opposite of that?

Monday, May 5, 2014

Parents Failing Hard 13

A while back I wrote one of these blogs (click here for that) where I posted a bunch of pictures of mothers taking or being a part of pictures that were just so damned inappropriate. In each picture I would write down what you may see and I'd write down what I see, what you may have missed, and the impacts it'll have in society. Well, not really anything that deep. It just gives me a chance to look at these weird ass people and wonder why some folks bother to have kids.

What You See

Oh, look! There's a girl with her pants down. Yeah, look at them black draws. Sure, she's in the bathroom which is probably the least sexy room in the house, but whatever. Draws!

"God Created Chip" Part 1

“Then God said, 'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.'”

Many know of the tale of Adam & Eve. God made Adam and figured he needed a mate so he created this chick, Eve. Next thing you know they have a couple of kids named Kane and Abel. But what historians have failed to mention is man's first buddy. His name was Chip.

A few months after the Earth was created God saw Adam wandering through the woods enjoying all of His glory. Adam sat down near a lion that was rolling on the ground with a lamb and smiled. Moments later he looked up to the sky and talked to God.

“I am so bored!” Adam cried. “That is what I am calling this...feeling. Bored.” God appeared before Adam startling him because as we all know, God can not appear without theatrics. After the thunder quieted and the smoke settled God walked towards Adam who dropped to his knees.

“Oh, get up, Adam” God said. “What is this 'bored' you speak of? I don't remember making that.”

“It's...” Adam began before sighing. “I can't explain it. I need someone to talk to. I mean, you made Eve and I thank you for that. That was pretty cool of you. But...I don't know. There are some things I can't talk to her about.”

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Quickening

Even though I don't date and don't plan on it I like taking dating surveys. It is a good way to have a conversation with myself (which I have a lot of time to do) and to figure shit out. I was talking to my friend a few days ago and she told me that I “don't try” when I'm in a relationship. She wasn't able to give me any clarification on that statement which still bothers the hell out of me. I don't try? What could she have meant by that? I'll ask later.

This set of questions if more fun and to the point than ones I've done in the past. I'm sure there's room for elaboration on these but that's what actual conversations are for. Lately it has been sinking in more that one day I'm gonna end up as a strange smell that gets reported or a stain on my neighbors ceiling that gets complained about so I might as well write down a bunch of date related stuff.

Nasty Old Flasher

Up in America's hat some nasty ass old man was busted flashing people. In Ottawa at a place called Mooney's Bay Park a man named Donald Popadick was arrested after police got calls about someone showing their nasty, old penis. I shit you not, that is dude's real name. Popadick. He was out doing this at 9 in the morning which is just unsavory. People are on their way to work or out for a jog. You don't need to see that at any time of the day but for some reason it's worse to do that in the morning to me. It is just a shitty way to start the day. He was charged with indecent exposure and for being presumptuous in thinking anyone wanted to see his noodle. I made that last one up. It should totally be a real thing do. Folks could be sentenced to three months in jail for presumptuous behavior.

I have talked about before how when a guy just up and sends pictures of their dicks to people is rude. In that movie Bridesmaids they talk about how aggressive penises are and I couldn't help but laugh because its true. There seems to have been an increase of female teachers slapping hams with students and men committing dick related offenses. A few weeks back I was talking to someone about the difference between a guy sending a dick pic and a woman sending a shot of their vajayjay. Wangs pretty much follow a basic style. Head, shaft, balls. Usually two balls. Of course size and color vary but if someone says “dick” you can quickly form an image. With hey-nows its all over the place. They're like snowflakes. The point is that no one should send uninvited dick pics or flash people. I think that's the point. I haven't had cereal yet and am not thinking clearly.  

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Dante Bitches About FHM 100 Sexiest Women In The World 2014

Every time one of these hot lists comes out I am actually prepared to be upset. It is a knee jerk reaction that I have to these things because no doubt I will be upset. I actually have not checked who is number one since it has been broken down page by page to increase page views because magazine sites are whores! This is the FHM Sexiest Women In The World 2014. Already I am questioning the choice of Gal Gadot as the next Wonder Woman seeing as how she is ranked 97 on this thing. 97 out of 100? That ain't even close to okay. I mean, I don't thinks she is anything special but having her that low is not a good sign.


Sandra Bullock and Shakira are also ranked between 100 and 81. I think the fact Shakira had a kid knocked her down on the list. Hey. I didn't make the rules. The rest are a bunch of random White chicks that are too thin or too whatever for me to even bother listing or complaining about. Miley Cyrus is ranked at 79 so I am having some faith in this list. It stinks that she is even on it but 79 is a good number for her. Its my birth year. Sarah Hyland from Modern Family is on this list which is just creepy since she looks like she is in junior high. If you know a grown man that finds this girl (she is 23) hot you need to do some background checking. Dude may be a pedo.

Captain America Dick Pics

When Captain America shows his might diiiiiick, all those that look at his dick get siiiiiick! James Weldon Alton, 29, of Florida who spends his time working at Universal Studios decided that sending dick pics to a 16 year old girl would be a good idea and got his dumb ass arrested. He got a felony charge of transmitting harmful material to a minor. He trolled the internet for pictures of himself and saw this girl and got in touch with her. The girl told police that they started as friends and like most friends he decided to send her a picture of his Winter Soldier. Hey. Don't judge. That's what good friends do. But not when your friend is 16 and you're 29 and dress as Captain America for a living! After she told him that she was 16 he still decided that sending pictures was a good idea and sent text talking about jacking off and that he was “getting into her.” Her dad found out about his HYDRA after talking to his daughter. Could you imagine Cap getting his ass handed to him by an angry father? I think we just wrote the next film!

What's red, white, blue, and needs a shield? This guys dick if I were this girl's dad. Cops asked Alton why he kept doing nasty shit after finding out she was 16 and he said that he “chose to disregard this because at times he thought it was a joke or that it was all just merely an online flirtatious relationship.” Yeah. That's how chicks flirt nowadays. By pretending they aren't legal. That's the oldest trick in the book. Which book? The “How To End Up In Jail Crying Into Your Hands” book. After checking his Instagram police saw that he had commented on two other young girl's pages. This loser just sits around hunting for pictures of himself so he can later send pictures of his Agent Of SHIELD. I can do these jokes all day. Alton has been suspended by Universal Studios after his arrest. Not fired? Anyone that sends pictures of their Red Skull to young girls needs to be in more trouble than that.  

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Here These Teachers Go Again

Another week another teacher in trouble for boning a student. Heather Lynn Miller, 46 of Katy, Texas, was caught with a naked ass 14 year old boy and because I'm getting closer to being an asshole than a dick as I age I will be completely bias since unlike past teachers that have slept with students, I have no sexual feelings towards this woman. A campus guard caught Miller in a temporary school trailer on a Sunday night by security during a regular old checkup of things which is just ridiculous. She told him that “everything was fine” and as he looked over her shoulder saw the boy getting dressed. “Providing a safe and secure learning environment is and will continue to be our top priority, and we will always act swiftly when that is compromised” the school district lied. An updated story says that the guard now saw her touching the boys junk.

Miller has been put on administrative leave and charged with improper relationship with a student and released after posting $50,000 bond. Some people that know Miller said that we should wait to hear her side of the story. That ought to be fun. Each time people who do this get a chance to speak it never works in their favor. A Pat Trull told reporters “It's sad for me because I know Heather, and I've seen her as a sweetheart that loves her children. Give her a chance.” Loving her own children isn't what's the issue here. Miller has been told by the court that she ca not contact the boy again. One lady asked why there isn't someone checking to make sure these teachers aren't child grabbers. Look. That ain't gonna happen. Background checks will not stop this from happening. I you ask me they should start doing parental background checks before people get pregnant. Robot teachers, man. That's the only way you're gonna ever stop this from happening. And before you ask, no, I do not think robot teachers are a good idea. Those things use human blood for oil.