Sunday, June 29, 2014

Another Cute Pervy Teacher Arrested

Here we go again! A teacher at a private school has been accused of sleeping with a 15 year old male student. 29 year old Kathryn Ronk who looks like she's 20 is being charged with five counts of first degree criminal sexual assault with a kid from Bishop Foley high school in Detroit. Every charge she has can get her life in prison. Damn! The boys parents filed the complaint after finding out that their son and Ronk were having ex at school. Not sure how they found out, but they did, and now her ass is in so much trouble. After the school found out about this they fired her, she'd only been there for a few months, and she has to wear an electronic bracelet. She posted $50,000 of her $500,000 bail which is incredible. If you told me to post that much money I'd just lay my ass back down on the bed, cross my feet, and take a nap. This is my new home.

She had only been at the school since last August, meaning that she wasted no time doing the damn thing with this boy. Their thing lasted from January of this year till late April. Ronk is married but thankfully does not have children because no one should before 30 years old. Well played. The Archdiocese said in a statement “such allegations are disconcerting and are treated with the utmost seriousness.” See, if she were a guy they would've just relocated her ass and swept this under the rug.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Mother Gets As Beaten By Another Mother On Tape

Latia Harris aka Alima Zawjatul Abdul Sabur, 25 years old, of New Jersey is on the run after whipping the ass of a former coworker of hers at McDonald's. Catherine Ferreira, 27, allegedly came by for a visit after accusing Latia of sleeping with one of the managers. Before the attack Latia had called Catherine telling her that the rumors about her sleeping with the manager could get her ass fired and that she was upset. Now, this ass kicking, at least to me, was very predictable. You say things like that about someone, true or not, chances are you're gonna get jumped. And Catherine was indeed jumped. There is video of this attack because that's the world we live in. While in her McDonald's uniform Latia had Catherine on the ground and was wailing on her as Catherine's 2 year old son watched and tried to help by kicking Latia in the leg, which of course did nothing. After beating her up Latia spit on Catherine and told people recording not to post the video online because yeah right.

So likely moments later it was posted online and cops are looking for Latia who has managed to vanish with her two kids. Yes, of course, she has kids. So now we have a 25 year old mother with two kids on the run after assaulting someone who is charged with terrorists threats because she threatened to shoot Catherine as well as aggravated assault which are both felonies and her bail even though she isn't in custody will be $35,000 fighting another mother whose son had to watch the whole thing go down.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Kids These Days 39

Growing up there were a lot of strange toys that were available. They weren't as bad as some of the toys that were around in the 1950's where you could, as a child, get uranium and make gases from it. That is a real thing that was possible. Later toys got past being poisonous and got dangerous. Toys nowadays will just fall apart. Back when I was growing up toys could hurt or drive you insane. Some of these toys had the simplest tasks but for whatever reason could not be executed. I've made a list of just five things that people around my age had to deal with because adults liked angering our blood.

Fisher Price Skates were dumb. When I would see kids in them I would worry about them more than if you just put a child in regular ass skates. They were made to keep a kid from actually skating. They would...skitter. You could loosen them as your kid learned how to not fall down every five seconds, but you would easily make the mistake of thinking that your kid was doing fine and loosen them too much. Next thing you know your kid wears a helmet for more than when they play sports. This would be like driving a car that slams on the brakes every ten feet just in case you were in danger. I think they still make these things. I wore skates a few years ago and fuck skates.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Guy Promises The Law He Will Stop Having Kids

Jessie Lee Herald, a 27 year old guy from Virginia, was arrested in December after running from a car accident, literally, while holding a three year old boy. He was charged with child endangerment and driving with a suspended license. That sounds bad enough but then you add the fact that he struck a plea deal where he agreed to go to jail for four years, have five years of probation afterward, and then get a vasectomy within a year of being released. Wait. What?!

“It was primarily due to the fact he had seven or eight children, all by different women, and we felt it might be in the commonwealth's interest for that to be part of the plea agreement”said prosecutor Ilona White. The plea he signed also says that he won't try and get the procedure reversed. It turns out that Jessie here has fathered seven kids with six different women. Sadly, that shit is not really that uncommon, at least in my family. Oh, don't try and act like your family don't roll like that!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Shit Just Got Real 22

Lori Moore and her new boyfriend Lance Griffel were murdered at her 15 year high school reunion. The East Peoria High class of 1999 was holding their reunion at Fifth Quarter Sports Bar & Pizzeria having a good time until around 8pm when Lori's ex husband, 40 year old Jason Moore, showed up. Witnesses say that he calmly walked to them and shot them both in the heads, killing them instantly. All hell breaks loose as everyone is trying to get out of the place for fear of being killed themselves.

Moments later Moore himself was shot in the head and killed by an FBI agent that just so happened to be in the bar at the time. Lori filed for divorce from Jason early last year and the marriage was dissolved two months afterward. They had two children, a son and daughter, named Kaydin and Callie.

Monday, June 23, 2014

You No Drive Good

People don't know how to act when they have cars. I got two stories of folks being fools behind the wheel of vehicles. The first is Kisha Young, 38, of Crowley, Texas. She was charged and arrested for DUI which you can't tell from her happy ass mugshot. Well, while picking up a bunch of kids including her own from a swimming pool ages 8 to 14 she didn't want her car wet so she made the kids sit on the trunk of the car. You can see where this going. Witnesses are saying that it seems like she (or the other mother in the car with her) noticed that their load was a tad bit lighter. While taking a turn too fast the kids were flung from the car because science. She then drove back and saw that carnage had occurred. Four kids had to be taken to the hospital while one girl, the daughter of the passenger mom, is still there all jacked up. The other two had road rashes. Kisha was charged with felony injury to a child and driving while intoxicated with a child under 15. She is held on $110,000 bail. The other mother may also be charged. If this happened in the 80's this wouldn't even be a story. It was a different time. This is a shitty human being.

Meanwhile in Philadelphia, Christopher Pagano, 42 going on 65, pleaded guilty to indecent exposure as well as harassment. He drove around in his car with no pants on and a block of cheese asking what is now being reported as four women to pour cheese on his dick and do the damned thing with him. He got eight months probation and has to attend sex offender counseling. If you wanna see what this guy look like clearly Google his name. He ain't cute. The only reason I used this picture of him with his cheese is because he has too many damned mugshots to choose from. Plus, I had to share the pain that comes with a fat ass man with no pants on holding a block of cheese trolling for sex. If a picture is worth a thousand words 999 of them would be “Ew!”

16 Year Old Dies From Energy Drinks

A 16 year old girl named Lanna Hamann died of a heart attack. All of the reports are saying that 16 is such a young age to die of a heart attack. I think any age is too young for your heart to explode. I thought my brother dying of a heart attack at 32 sucked and I can't even imagine someone dying at 16 for no reason. But there is a reason. Too many energy drinks.

I used to power down any energy drink that you put in front of me years ago. When I worked at the porn shop I was in charge of ordering supplies including the food. I would drink Red Bull, Monster, Rockstar, NOS, 5 Hour Energy, Full Throttle, and Street King. I know I am leaving some out. I knew that they weren't good to me like a lot of other shit I put into my body. You put what you want into your body and I'll put what I want into mine. Maybe if you're lucky I'll put myself into your body.

“Anything can happen at any time, and it was so unexpected” one of her friends said. Not really when you consider that her friends and family openly admit that she loved energy drinks and drank them all the time. While in Mexico chilling on the beach and pounding energy drinks she said that she wasn't feeling well and ended up dying at the hospital. Hell, I expect someone to die from just walking into a hospital in Mexico let alone if you have an actual reason to go. 

Friday, June 20, 2014

Not The Bad Boy

Bad boys. Women love 'em. Men wanna be 'em. I have to admit that at one time in my life I wanted to be bad. It was around the age of 12 or so after my “girlfriend” dumped me for an older (14) boy that had a bad reputation. I didn't have a bad reputation. I was known for being a nerd, weird, smart, or strange. Never bad though. To be bad you had to be in a gang, known for being surgical with your fists, or had sexual experience of some sort. At that age I had only grabbed a tit through a shirt...which sadly is more action than I get now.

What got me to thinking about bad boys is this guy that has been all over TV, the internet, and every form of social media. This criminal Jeremy Meeks is the current holder of all the stupid vagina. I say stupid because no woman in her right mind would want to be with a guy that has his lifestyle and criminal record. They shouldn't but they do. Why? Because women like bad boys.

I was talking to my mother earlier about this guy. I told her that he is the personification of my worst nightmare. You know the way that fat chicks hate skinny bitches? This guy represents everything I couldn't be since I was born in this body with this face.

Don't get me wrong. I am fine with my face. I don't have anything particularly strange going on with it. I don't have any scars or weirdness happening. But if you put me next to a light skinned dude who is a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10 chances are he will beat me out every single time. And the eyes? Come on. Women would attack me for fear of me getting some of my looks on him.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Five Things I Learned At Weddings

I have been to only four weddings on my life. In my family there has been only one official wedding in my lifetime which is strange as shit when I really think about it. Out of the four weddings I have been to, two of them were for people I knew, and two were for complete strangers to me. Before the first wedding I went to I was not prepared whatsoever. I had the dates mixed up and threw on my suit with no tie on looking like I was on suicide watch. I spent the entire time drunk off my ass and only got on the dance floor once.

Weddings are a big deal and there are some people that spend their entire lives looking forward to walking down the aisle. Sometimes its beautiful and sometimes...not so much. In this Five Things I Learned At Weddings I'm gonna talk about some of the stuff I learned being invited to the few weddings that I've been to.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Only In Florida 13

Ew. 42 year old Christopher Mitchell who stands at 5'6” and weighs 450 pounds (32 stone to my foreign readers) was arrested after it was discovered that he was hiding weed in his fat rolls. During a traffic stop police pulled Mitchell's driver buddy Keithian Roberts over because Mitchell did not have a seat belt on. Yeah. I'm sure that's why the initial stop occurred. Mitchell said that he was too big for the seat belt. Police say they both got nervous so the police called in the drug dog. Of course they are nervous! They're Black and live in Florida!

You gon' eat yo cornbread...?

They ended up finding 23 grams of weed in his fat, $7000, a gun, and some cocaine. I don't think the rest of that stuff was found on the fat rolls but you never know. 450 pounds provides a lot of hiding places. Police also found a shit ton of carpet freshener and dryer sheets on the trunk which is apparently used to disguise the smell of weed. Nothing hides the smell of weed. Let me just put that out there. If you get high at work all you co-workers know. You're not fooling anyone. They just haven't told on you yet.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Johnny Panic: Making Sad Ass Kids Smile

A few years back I did one of those programs where you make a wish for sick kids. I had no desire to do it. I think they are depressing as hell and I am all about not being around sick people let alone kids because even when kids aren't sick they have the potential to get sick at any moment. They're like germ minefields. But after being guilted into it by Ronica and Zazz I finally decided to grace a bunch of sick kids with my presence.

“It'll be good for you” Ronica said. “It will make you appreciate your health more.”

“Who says I don't appreciate my health now?” I asked her. “I'm always telling people how good I feel.”

“That's because you're a cocky superhero” Zazz added. “Most people can't fly and are not bullet proof.”

“Well, that sucks to be them” I told them. “Not my fault everyone isn't as cool as me.”

“It doesn't help you remind us of that every single day” Zazz says. Hater.

“If I don't remind you every single day then how will you remember?” I ask. “It's like when we were little and I had to teach you how to wipe yourself every time you went to the bathroom.”

“He did that?” Ronica asked Zazz.

“Don't you have somebody to save?” Zazz asked me, trying to change the subject.

“Oh, it was bad, Ronnie” I said. “His family raised him like an animal. Zazz would only brush his teeth when it got so bad that his teeth stuck together. He would squeal like a pig when he had to take a bath. One time he had a mustard stain on his chin for an entire week.”

“It wasn't a week…”

“Yes it was” I say. “I know it was a week because Tuesdays were hotdog Tuesdays and you got it on your face and then still had it on your face seven days later.”

“What does this have to do with anything?” Zazz asked.

“It proves that I have been charitable to children since I was a child myself” I say. Point. Me. “Enough of this talk! It's time to make some sad ass dying kids smile!”

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

What People Care About This Week: School Shootings

This week people are freaking out about school shootings. No one is sure who to blame but, as always, people begin lobbying their causes. There are the mental health aspects, the gun control issue, the school security issue. Eventually it all gets brushed under the rug because something more scandalous happens and draws attention away from the fact that kids get shot at school on a pretty regular basis now. The most recent shooting happened in Oregon yesterday. I actually saw this on the TV at work right after it happened and a guard said “Makes you not wanna send your kids to school.”

15 year old Jared Padgett shot and killed 14 year old Emilio Hoffman before shooting himself in the bathroom of the school. In his guitar case he had an AR-15 rifle, a semi-automatic handgun, nine loaded magazines, and a knife. During the shooting his sister, Chelsea Cooper, posted on her Facebook account.

“Praying for everyone at Reynolds! My little brother is still there & I'm freakin out! I hate being states away :-( So stressful!” as well as “They keep saying the shooter is dead but I wanna know who it is!!! I'm so stressed right now.” Of course she had no idea that her brother was the one who'd been the shooter. So far no one knows why he decided to shoot up the school. Many are confused because he didn't fit the “profile” of someone who would do such a thing. He was in the JROTC. Played track and field. Yeah, he liked heavy metal but also Christian bands. He idolizes his brother who is in the military.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Sex Advice

I was trolling around and stumbled across a Cosmo advice column. People write in and ask a question an Logan Hill answers. The question that was asked was short but, my god, was his response long. I am gonna try to trim a lot of what he said but keep the spirit of his answer because you don't want to read all of his bullshit. I say that now but watch how long my response ends up being.

Question: My boyfriend asked me - yes, asked me - for a blow job, and I suggested sex instead. He started a huge fight because I declined his blow job request and said something about how I never give him BJs. Actually, I had given him one two nights before. Why was it such a big deal that he started a fight over a blow job? And how do I stop it from happening in the future without just giving him a BJ every day?

Logan: Obviously, saying no is no big deal - you're right about that. It's your right to give blow jobs at a time and place of your choosing. You shouldn't feel pressured to do anything against your desire. There's no blow job-per-week quota. And I think we can all agree that a counter-offer of actual sex is a pretty reasonable compromise. But that wasn't your question. You asked: Why was it such a big deal to your boyfriend?

He Likes Very...Very Old Women

I heard about this story of a 31 year old guy named Kyle Jones who lives in Pittsburgh that is into older women. That's cool. Older women need some loving, too. But then I saw that he was having sex with women as old as 91 like Marjorie McCool and I shivered. Then I watched a video of them kissing and made a face. I don't know what face I made but it hurt my lips and ears. It turns out that I'm an ageist. I don't have a problem if he was boning Helen Mirren who is my template for hot ass old ladies. I'd be jealous but I'd be fine because I'll never meet this woman. But having sex with someone 60 years older than you at any age seems nasty. They have been seeing each other for five years which is longer than any relationship I've ever had.

Probably because he fucks other old ladies on the side. Kyle said “Everyone's brain is wired differently, some guys prefer blondes, some brunettes, some like other guys. I like old ladies.” His age range that he goes for is between 60 and 80 years old. He finds them online and chats with them before knocking the dust off. “Whenever I'm trying to speak to an older woman, the first reaction I get is 'you're way too young'. I find persistence is good so I tell them it'll be fun.” Translation: “I got more time to waste pursuing this than you.” He says that he sees about five women at a time which I gather ends up being over 300 years worth of vajayjay at a time. This country isn't even that old.

Story Behind The Photo 21

When I went to see my family after four years of keeping away my mother busted out some old pictures. One of the pictures I found was this one of my, my sister, brother, and Grandmama (big G like she the President). The thing I love about old photos is that when I see them I remember everything that led up to it happening. This image is strange because I am wearing shorts and a hockey shirt. I don't like hockey! I wear shorts once every five years. I was about 16 or 16 years old when this was taken. I think 16 because this is the second house we lived at on this street. The couch that we are on is one of the two I had in my apartment that didn't have to be brought in through the window. I don't know why Grandmama is there because none of us are wearing Easter clothes or anything and she rarely just showed up. This is a pretty good mental image I have of her. Even though for the last few years of her life she stopped dyeing her hair red I still picture her with it and the same type of glasses she wore since I was a kid.

Click here for previous Story Behind The Photo.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Shit Just Got Real 21

Remember when I used to have segments on my blog? Well, they’re back. Meet Charity Stevens. She is a 15 year old girl from Texas who needed a place to stay because she had nowhere to live. Tamica Lincoln, a very nice woman in Longview, Texas and 30 years old, took her in while she attended as a 10th grader at New Life Christian School. When asked by school officials about previous schooling that she'd received she told them that she had been home schooled. “She had good grades. She acted like a respectful student and did good work” the school principal had said. Lincoln acted as her guardian while she attended school which is pretty damned nice of her. I talk about Charity in the past tense not because she up and died or got shot like kids happen to get nowadays. I say this because it turns out that the only thing real about Charity was that she is a female and Black.

Shit is about to get real.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Reckoning

I was talking to a friend recently about marriage, having a kid, and relationships and how I have retired from being in them and getting laid in general. This isn't a difficult decision if you live the lifestyle I do. It turns out that I'm more behind on the times than I thought. There are moments where I learn something new that I believed that I was well aware of. This time I am talking about bases. You know, like, when people say “Oh, I got to third base with her!” That thing. It turns out that I was sadly mistaken in regards with what action matched each base. Check this out.

“First base – mouth-to-mouth kissing, especially French kissing”

I thought first base was holding hands and hugging! Kissing is first base?! I went on a date years ago and kissed her on the cheek. What is that called, a foul ball? So right from the start this isn't looking good for me.

“Second base – touching or kissing the breasts or other erogenous zones; can be either clothed or not clothed; manual stimulation of the genitals”

Whoa! I thought this was the next base! Grabbing tits is second base? What is third base? Anal?! Jeezum Crow. This is seriously surprising to me.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Too Many DUI's

A 28 year old chick in Minnesota was arrested for drunk driving around 2am last Saturday night. Cops saw her swerving all over the road and pulled Cathy Sanchez over and noticed that she smelled like booze, was slurring her words, and her eyes were bloodshot. She failed sobriety tests and had a blood alcohol level of .136. When they searched her not only did she give them a fake name but the found three Jell-O shots on her because the party don't stop till the panties drop. She is locked up on $20,000 bond which sounds pretty harsh until you realize how silly this person is. She has been busted five other times for DWI's and a concealed weapons conviction. She also had a suspended license but was still driving around drunk. She has four charges that carry seven years each if she is convicted which she should be.

I know that there are people reading this and thinking “Oh, I've driven a car drunk plenty of times and I'm fine!” or “I've driven after drinking and not hurt anyone!” Is that something you are really proud of? That you got into a 2000 pound machine that has the ability to travel over 100mph and managed to not kill yourself or someone else? Good for you, you fucking maniac. This girl shouldn't have been on the road legally and just as a human being. I wonder if she had any friends that knew about her history with alcohol and just let her keep on keeping on. And for the record, I've had Jell-O shots and they were nothing special. I'd rather drink like an adult which includes not potentially causing anything but the death of brain cells. In her state a survey was taken showing that 46,000 of the people arrested for DUI's were arrested at least four other times for it. 

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Wangs And Thangs

Today I got two stories with men using vegetables as excuses to show their penises. 77 year old Luis Gonzaga (that isn't him in the picture) of Florida was arrested at the Volusia County Fairgrounds after whipping his dick out. This was around 9:30am which is way too early for that kinda bullshit. A lady says she saw him with his wrinkled old junk out then covered it back up with a plastic bag and then whip it out again after getting in line behind a lady. The lady said she felt something touching her ass a couple of times “what she assumed was a bag of produce” when the lady who saw Gonzaga told her what was going on. He tried to escape but was stopped until cops showed up. He was charged with lewd/lascivious exhibition, battery, and indecent exposure. He says he couldn't have done it because he's impotent. Dude, that won't keep you from being able to rub it on chicks. He's just gross and old.

Next up is 49 year old Fredrick Tennyson Davis of Toronto who was being nasty in a library. I know a few librarians and people who have worked in bookstores and something about paper makes people act like perverts. Back in April he was busted with his dick in one hand and a cucumber in the other. He got away but decided enough time had passed so he tried it again. An employee recognized him because honestly, how many people walk into libraries holding a cucumber? When police asked if he had threatened anyone they said “I don't think he had any free hands to make any threat.” Zing! He was charged with one indecency count and two for failure to comply with probation. I wonder what the cucumber was for. Was it being used a a distraction? Either way, ew, to you, sir. Ew.  

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Man Gets Surgery, Scares Dante

Xiahn Nishi, 25, who used to be named Max which is the best guy name ever and should never be changed underwent ten surgeries to look like a Korean sex doll. Well, not really on purpose but he does. He is originally from Brazil which is a country where if you're born you should be happy because you hit a genetic lottery. Its hard to be from there and not look good. But Xiahn wasn't having none of that! He had hyaluronic acid injected to make his eyes larger (a chemical used to heal surgical wounds and for folks with mad joint issues and is temporary since it wears off after a couple of years) after multiple doctors were having none of his nonsense. “It was the first time this procedure was done” he bragged because his face hasn't fallen off yet. “I think I look handsomer like this. Maybe some people think it's not but I think it is.” If it makes him happy, I guess. I think I would be mad if I woke up with this surgery, but he seems to be really happy with it. For now. Yeah, I am one of those people. He says that he is not trying to be Asian, rather he likes the way it looks. He has since stopped dyeing his hair. 

While in school in South Korea he says he noticed a lot of people getting surgery to get a Western look. He says he has gotten positive comments from people and then ones like “it's better to look the way you were born” which is bullshit. Hardly anyone likes the way they look and would change at least three things about themselves if they could afford to or weren't afraid of surgery. I would have sharper teeth. Whatever with this face. It was the hand I was dealt. His surgery, like most, just looks scary to me. I'm not against surgery. Just bad surgery. This guy would startle the shit out of me if I saw him on the street. I met the real Ken Doll guy working at the porn shop and it was horrifying. When this guys stuff wears off and his eyes go back to normal I am gonna have to look him up and see what he looks like. Not many races can go from looking like one race and becoming another successfully. Brazilians and Asians are the ones that do it best as well as changing their actual physical sex. Many a time transsexual porn has horrified me because I made the mistake of flipping the box over when it was being rented. Okay. I'm on a whole 'nother topic now...

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Little Girls Attempt Murder To Meet Fake Character

Two young girls in Wisconsin were arrested for not being able to tell fact from fiction. Morgan Geyser and Anissa Weier stabbed a 12 year old girl they knew multiple times in a wooded area who were attempting to prove that a video game character named Slenderman was real. A biker happened across the victim just outside the woods on the side of the road called for police. The girls names have been revealed because they are both going to be tried as adults and charged with first degree intentional homicide. Usually in cases like this kids aren't tried as adults and their names are kept secret. The girl who was stabbed is in stable condition. “Many people do not believe Slenderman is real and we]wanted to prove the skeptics wrong” one of the girls told police.

Weier told police that she learned about Slenderman on a website called Creepy Pasta and then showed it to her equally crazy friend Geyser. The girls had planned to kill the victim for months and attempted to kill her last Saturday stabbing her 19 times. After stabbing her they walked through Nicolet National Forest for a while looking for the mansion that Slenderman lived in. Afterward, they planned on getting treats from the witches' gingerbread house, strolling down the yellow brick road, and catch the Muffin Man because fuck living in reality.