Thursday, January 30, 2014

Shit Just Got Real 15

You ever have some shit get so real that you pass out in court? Richard Thomas, 27, of Leigh, Great Manchester did when he found out that his life may end differently than he may have anticipated. This asshole raped a woman last year after breaking into her house while she was asleep. Many stories that have reported this leave out the fact that the victim had taken a sleeping pill and was out of it while this occurred. Thomas himself had been drinking and taking drugs the night he did this. And likely the night before and after since he has a history of drug use since he was 11. Thanks to Dashuh for sending me this story. Encourage me to write like she does, people!

Thomas was convicted of this rape even though he says that he doesn't remember doing it. He was sentenced to 5 years and four months in jail which is not even close to enough time for a crime like this. The prosecutor stated “She froze and no words were exchanged. He pulled up his shorts and left.” BBC News reports that Thomas had known that the woman he raped was sick but he didn't know with what.

Shit is about to get real real real fast.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Dude, What The F**k?! 2

Sometimes you just wanna strip butt booty ass naked in the middle of the street after crashing your car into a chicken joint and then masturbate. At least this 34 year old dude in Pennsauken, New Jersey did this past Monday. At 10:30am which is way too damned early to be at this level of crazy, I save mine until after noon, he crashed his car into a Crown Fried Chicken and then commenced to strip naked.

The police showed up because that's what they usually do when a car crashes and the driver, whose name hasn't been released, and he didn't have a shirt on. That is never a good sign by the way. If a guy is driving with no shirt on something bad just happened or something really bad is about to happen. So the cop asks dude to step out of the vehicle and could barely stand up. At this point if I'm a cop I reach for my taser because somebody is about to get an electric good morning.

Dante Bitches About Esquire Woman Of The Year 2013

64.6% of people made a bad decision. Esquire Magazine made their Woman Of The Year list and the woman that won is someone I've never heard of named Emily Ratajkowski. When I saw pictures of her and the names that made the final four on this list I got unreasonably pissed. Maybe its because I'm hungry. Maybe I'm tired of the combination of no hips, super skinny, giant tits being the go-to for these magazines. GQ also made this chick their woman of the year as well because if you're gonna do something stupid, do it twice.

You may have not heard of Ratajkowski but if you've seen that Blurred Lines video before getting sick of hearing the song she plays one of the naked girls bouncing around. She's also done modeling and went to UCLA for a year. That is all the information around for her besides a lot of pictures of her topless and looking half high/half nervous. This chick will not even be talked about next year.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Women Don't Fight Fair 2

No one likes to get hit in the nuts. Its a move they teach in self defense because when a guy gets hit there he drops to the ground faster than a fat woman on a New York street. But not always. Sometimes our inner caveman kicks in and we get far more violent than we intended to be. I bring all this up because a female officer thought it would be a good idea to frisk this 16 year old dude Darrin Manning so hard that she cracked one of his nuts.

Every man reading this just hissed.

Darrin and some friends were walking with his friends, fellow basketball players, when a cop stopped them. Why? Because they were wearing scarves. They live in Philadelphia where it gets cold as all shit so this makes sense. Especially when you consider the fact that the schools principal gave them to the students. Principal Joyner said “students are forced to take a train, a trolley and walk several blocks to practice. Now I never knew covering your face to keep warm in zero or below weather was a crime, but I guess to Philadelphia Police Officers, it was.”

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 13

The world is a wondrous place. Or so I've heard. The furthest I've ever been was San Francisco and Las Vegas. Yes, that's it. I don't have a strong desire to go any further than that. There have been times when I was close to heading very far from home but things happened and so I am still here and loving it. Some people have seen things around the world that they believe made them a new person. I've listened to podcasts that have done the same thing. I think I win. Despite the world being this vast thing full of so many strange cultures and places I just can't bring myself to care.

We Going To Hell 2

I need to call this one Dante Is Going To Hell because when I read this story I laughed my ass off. Now, I have never been known to be sensitive to the suffering of others. There's less than twenty people on this planet I feel bad for when bad things happen to them. You can be one of those people that say “Dante, you are mean!” or “Dante, she has a health issue!” and I'll agree with you. But when you are 6 foot 5 and weigh about 400lbs there is a chance that the ground you are standing on will get angry and stop supporting you. She is bigger than most boxers and wrestlers!

Ulanda Williams, 32, lives in Queens, NY. While waiting outside of an Atomic Wings food spot to get out of the rain she needed a place to stay dry. Suddenly the ground screamed “Jesus take the wheel!” and she fell through the sidewalk. She fell seven feet through the ground, kicked someone in China, and help arrived. It is being reported that the ground was hollow underneath which I am having trouble believing because 400lbs.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Parents Failing Hard 11

This story took place in Florida but this is not an Only In Florida post. Bryan Adams 31, not the singer, decided that his son was possessed by a demon and wanted to exorcise him. Don't worry, I'll explain why he got an LAPD style makeover in a moment or two.

Of course Adams has a kid because women just let letting dudes let loose in them. He told his son who is 11 years old “You are the demon and you know what I must do with you.” The answer is not get ice cream. He then went to his estranged wife's job and wanted her car keys because he was seeing demons. She hasn't been with dude because, derp, he has drug issues. If you tell me that you're seeing demons I'd better be reading about you in the bible. Otherwise your ass is either crazy or higher than eagle ass.

Only In Florida 3

You ever get so mad at someone that you bust a toilet seat lid over their head? Me neither. At least not yet. Who knows what the future holds?! A dude in Florida named Norris Troutman who is 20 years old and 6 foot 6 got his ass arrested on a felony battery charge for hitting his uncle, that is disabled, in the head with a toilet seat cover for apparently no reason whatsoever.

His uncle, Sammy Lee Johnson and 48, was sitting on the couch watching TV with his mom when Norris just came into the living room and walloped him with the damned thing. His uncle said he was “was unsure why Mr. Troutman was upset with him” and “did nothing to provoke the attack.” What confuses me about this story other than the fact that a dude attacked someone with this choice of weapon is where he got it from.

The window sill.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Five Things I Learned Made Me Fall In Love

I was taking to Heather earlier today and she brought up fruit and I remembered that one of the reasons I fell in love one time was because of a piece of fruit. Yeah, its that easy sometimes. It got me to thinking about the times I have fallen in love and what it was about them that made it happen for me. These are not gonna be elaborate things that have happened because I'm not an elaborate guy. These won't be in order of importance or anything. Also, I'm sure as fuck not gonna be using names even though I doubt anyone I have ever fallen in love with even read my blogs. If any of you do, hello. Here are The Five Things I Learned Made Me Fall In Love with the help of Harley Quinn.

Dante Vs. Nature 33

A man. A snake. A graveyard. Australia. Do I even need to write anymore? This guy Jake Thomas was cleaning the graveyard where his daughter is buried (let's assume a snake got her, okay?) when he saw a snake hanging out of a vase next to hers. Not one to take that kinda shit he grabbed a shovel and sliced this son of a bitch in two likely screaming “Stay away from my daughter!” like me if I ever had a girl. So like most Australian's he spent the next hour after killing a poisonous snake continuing to clean. Then he remembered that he just killed and decided to go and remove the snake corpse because manners.

So he reaches into the vase to grab the snake, mind you almost an hour later, and the fucking thing bites him! Yes! This is a thing. He pulls his hand out and the damned thing is just hanging onto his hand with its fangs sunk in. “I saw the black snake. It was in a headstone on the grave next to my daughter's. It had stopped moving and I could see it was caught in a vase. There was about two foot hanging out.” He made it to the doctor and got treatment. His hand stayed swollen for a week but I bet he didn't miss a day of work because fuck it he lives in the deadliest country on Earth. The native language there is hollering.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Shit Just Got Real 14

I have never understood crazy wedding proposals. I liked the idea of just being somewhere nice, like home, and perhaps with friends and family and proposing. Not at a sporting event, not in a restaurant, and definitely not underwater like Anthony Taylor did to his girlfriend Stephanie Walker. Before I go on with this story allow me to rant for a moment.

When guys propose to a chick and tell their friends their friends will ask “So, what did she say?” That's about it. When a woman accepts a proposal and tells her friends the friends ask “Let me see the ring!” and “How did he do it?!” I don't understand the importance of how a guy asked just as long as he did. Out of all the friends that I have that are married I only know the proposal story of one and the way it was done is totally acceptable to me. It was nice, simple, and sweet.

Now back to the story.

No Awkward Hugs

I'm a good hugger. Damn it. I'm built for a good hug. I'm not bony and pointy so I won't jab you with anything (unless that's what you're into). My arms are inches longer than they need to be for my body so I can anaconda squeeze the shit out of you. A month or so ago I hugged someone and it was one of the most awkward hugs I've ever gotten and I take no responsibility for it.

This was a girl I was hugging. This was not a dating situation. I wasn't trying to get in her pants and she wasn't trying to get into mine. Just hanging out and having food. Yayness abound. We had never hugged before and I'm not a presumptuous hugger. I'm not gonna assume that since I am hanging out with someone that I'm gonna hug them. I shake hands. I'll shake the shit out of a hand. Ask Camille. When we first hung out years ago I went for a handshake, she laughed at me, and gave me a hug. I never grew up getting hugs so that much physical contact is still new to me even after years of now getting them. But it turned out I'm a natural.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Women Don't Fight Fair

Women have never been known for fighting fair. They say men fight dirty. They do. I'm not gonna disagree with you if you said that. But women fight filthy plus not fair. The thing is when you fight a women expect her to take it to 11 instantly verbally and physically. Take this 18 year old girl that was having sex with a schoolmate on the bus. Yes, that is a thing that happened and the only reason I'm writing about it is because there was an arrest made. Why was there an arrest made?

She elbowed a boy's dick.

Now some 13 year old boy was watching this chick and some guy having sex around 3pm on the school bus and started to laugh when the girl made her pussy fart. (note: as soon as I wrote that I cackled out loud alone in my apartment because I'm immature) A trooper who wrote the report stated “Both the victim and the accused were riding school bus. The accused expelled wind from the vulva during coitus while at the back of the bus.” Most folks just call it a queef and it happens. Its a thing that can happen during sex and yes I have laughed when it has happened before. You can't laugh at every woman you have sex with when this happens though. You have to know her sense of humor. Otherwise she can hurt your dick parts.

Kids These Days 30

As far back as episode 11 of my Rosscast (which isn't available to listen to) I was talking about something that is apparently something that has made a comeback. My cousin Jasmine brought this to my attention. Kids snorting this candy known as Smarties. Now, there is no benefit to snorting this candy. At best this candy is something to keep your mouth occupied until you are in a situation where better candy is around. Smarties is no one's favorite candy.

A school had to send out a paper with a bunch of warnings on middle school students. Kids that should be old enough to know better than to be snorting candy. It isn't as if doing this powers up your body and gives you the benefit of eating a lot of sugar. Its just dumb. Here are just some of the warnings that parents were given. I swear, if I had a kid and this notice was sent to me I would find out if my kid did it. If they had they would have to sleep on the roof because I just can't handle that amount of dumb living with me.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

We Going To Hell

Hello, everyone. Once again I am back to present a segment from my now complete Rosscast Show. This one was called We Going To Hell which seems pretty self explanatory. Whether or not you believe in an actual hell, there are times when we need to tell someone to go there, burn there, or rot there. I troll the internets for stories where people do things that are just so damned ridiculous that they make us as humans look silly. Like a promotion that was going to throw a part on Martin Luther King Day that was centered around twerking.

Oh no...

In Michigan an event called “Freedom 2 Twerk” was going to be held on MLK weekend until the owner of the venue, Vincent McEwen, got a gander at the fliers that were being used for the event showing a photoshopped MLK throwing up a “west side” sign and wearing a gold chain along with a chick just happy as all get out to be a part of this historic event. The promoter of the event apparently thought noting was wrong with using MLK's image to promote a twerking based event because fuck using your head.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Only In Florida 2

People like sex with other people. But sometimes people aren't available so you go to the next best thing: a sex doll. I don't mean one of those expensive ones that talk to you and feel, like, real. I'm talking about the Jenna Jameson Extreme Doll! This thing isn't cheap. It ranges from $300 to almost $600. Ain't nobody got money for that! So you steal it like this dude in India River County, Florida did.

At Inner Secrets adult novelty store in Vero Breach some dude started asking the cashier about the doll. Suddenly, with the speed that only a very horny man has, and took off out the store. The cashier could not give a description of the guy to cops because, honestly, most pervs look the same. Source: working in a porn shop for seven years. Whenever someone wanted to know about something expensive when I worked at the porn shop I always made sure it was in snatching it back distance, by the way.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

"50 Stripes Of Gray" Part 5 of 5

Delvin rubbed his shoulder as he followed Dr. Basir into the same room he last fainted in. His penis shuddered in remembrance. He shook that memory out of his head and focused on the beautiful woman that stood less than four feet away from him.

“Should I undress?” he asked her. She held up a single finger, letting him know she was busy looking at his test results. A single, beautifully manicured finger. “That’, that’s a nice color.” Dr. Basir turned to face him.

“Really?” she asked him. “Thanks. Most guys don’t notice small things like that.” Delvin’s heart began pumping hard in his chest which meant that his blood flow was increasing which meant that his penis was growing which meant…“Are you okay?” Dr. Basir asked him. He held up his hand and slowly sat down. Dr. Basir took his hand and helped him stand. Her hand is so soft he thought to himself. It was as if he were dreaming. That is until the loud ripping of paper snapped him back into reality as Dr. Basir laid thick paper across the exam table. Delvin slowly sat back down.

“Thank you” he said as his brow began to sweat. This was a bad idea, he thought. “So, uh, what do the tests say? Did I pass?” he asked with a slight chuckle.

“You want the good news or the bad news?” she asked him.

“Good news first.”

“The bad news is…”

“I asked for good…”

Shit Just Got Real 13

In Iowa City the cops pulled 19 year old Quentrel J. Johnson over because of his name. I'm kidding but totally not at the exact same time. They say he was driving around with no headlights on around 5pm in the afternoon. The car smelled like weed because he's 19 and then the cops asked him to step out of his vehicle. When he did they noticed that his tongue and teeth were covered in weed.

The police checked him and he had a large bag of weed in his crotchal region which is usually the best place to hide drugs because cops never check there for drugs ever. The asshole is an even better place to hide things. He told the cops that, yes, he had been smoking weed (derp!) and then shit got real for young Quentrel.

Dante Vs. Nature 32

When I was a little kid I watched this movie called Piranha’s that jacked with my head. I could watch films about serial killers, monsters, and even Jaws and not really give a damn. But show me a movie about a bunch of sharp toothed fish and suddenly I don't ever want to go anywhere that has these in their waters. A few weeks ago in Buenos Aires, Argentina about 70 people got to experience my nightmare.

"You didn't plan on sleeping, did ya?!"

It was hot as hell and a lot of people decided to take a dip in the water when all of a sudden people were all “This water is way more bitey than usual!” They likely said it in a different language or with accents so it sounded way more urgent. Next thing you know people are getting right the fuck out of the water because these fish called palometas which are a form of piranha are attacking them like some sort of...piranhas.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 8

I slowly get off the stage and sit back down. I don't look at anyone. I'm bummed out. Like, super bummed out. Mr. W. Scott continues checking things off on his clipboard. Someone heads to the stage and I'm not hearing anything they say. That Shame Circle is no fun. That ant is still sitting in the third row and just staring at me. No one else seems to notice him. I don't think its real. But kids with their body modifications these days who knows for sure?

“You okay?” Sad Sack asks me. I shake my head. “Its weird seeing you like this. But a good kind of weird. You're quiet. I like it.” He nudges me and I shove him away. Not hard but enough to get attention.

“Is there a problem?” Mr. W. Scott asks. “Because there is nothing I like more than solving problems.” I'm not sure how to react right now. I can't see the ant anymore. Its not good to lose track of a ant that big.

“Can I go next?” Softy asks. “I would like to go next.”

“No” Mr. W. Scott says.

“I'm good!” I say louder than I wanted to. “I mean...I'm okay. I'm fine.”

“That is not true but we need to move on--” Mr. W. Scott says until...

“Where the fuck is that ant?!” I scream. Sad Sack almost falls out of his chair. “So its just me? I'm the only one that saw the giant ant?”

Only In Florida

As you all know by now, I wrapped up the final episode of my show, The Rosscast. On that show I had a segment called Only In Florida where I would cover the crazy ass amount of stories that came out of that state. The end of my show meant the end of that segment. Or did it?! No. It didn't. I shouldn't have yelled. I have continued doing my Bad Parent of the Week in the form of Parents Failing Hard, Shit Just Got Real, Dude What The Fuck?!, and Kids These Days. Now I introduce the continuation of Only In Florida.

Meet Jennifer Feagley. She is a 6 month pregnant 24 year old Florida woman who...wait. She is only 24? Jesus. I mean...whoa. Okay. Moving on. She assaulted her 59 year old roommate (read into that however you want!) Patricia Marson. Can't blame her. Patricia's tend to be the type of women that get attacked by others. Jennifer blamed her attack on her roommate on hormone problems due to her pregnancy. I get that. When chicks are pregnant all kinds of strange and magical things happen to their bodies. I mean, a baby is growing in their body! That is fucking insane! But then I found out why she attacked her roommate.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Dante Saves You: The Devil Edition

The Devil has been in a lot of movies, TV shows, and video games. Most times he takes on the form of a thing with a spiked tail, hooves, and red skin with horns. Like Hellboy but, you know, evil. Either way there are different techniques that folks use to not kill him but at the very least shoo him away. And that's what I'm gonna do in this Dante Saves You: The Devil Edition. Sorry, Cam. There will be no The Howling Man from The Twilight Zone.

Aw, man...

The Devil was known to be one of the most beautiful angels (if you believe in that kinda thing) but on my list there is only one that is the hotness. The rest look like, well, something that crawled out of the Devil's asshole. So enough of this jibba-jabba! Its time for me to learn your monkey asses a thing or two.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Dante Teaches Men How To Be Men

Towards the end of the year I started seeing all these blogs and articles pop up telling men how to be men. Most of them were written by women which isn't surprising at all. You tend to hear the term “Be a man!” being tossed around and when you stop and look at the woman saying it, chances are its a very unhappy woman. Think about that for a second. There is not a strong, happy, or smart woman that will ever say those three words out loud. And in case you're wondering, there will be tons of generalizations made in this.

You may be asking yourself “Dante, how do you keep your legs looking so sexy?” or “Dante, what qualifies you to talk about how to be a man?”One, I walk everywhere. And two, I have a penis. Seriously. I do. It actually exists. Something I will never do is tell a woman to be a woman. Know why? Because I don't like getting slapped.

The lists telling men how to be men tend to be about how men need to treat women or how men need to dress. Or they are made by women who have a habit of dating bitch ass dudes who were raised by bitch ass father's or the women themselves had bitch ass father's that treated them badly so all they do is find these guys, date them (or Cthulhu forbid have kids with them!), and then think that all guys are like that. These women come at guys with preemptive strikes against them and their manhood. I have taken hits for men I've never even met as a boyfriend and that shit is never cool.

Dude, What The F**k?!

There are a lot of ways I think I can die. The image above is not one of them. Cars hitting me. A far too enthusiastic sex partner. Giraffes. Just so many. But having my damned draws (underwear for you laymen) choke me out isn't one of them. I mean, you would never expect this to happen even on your worst day. Pretty sure Denver Lee St. Clair didn't expect his grown ass 33 year old step-son Brad Davis to wedgie him so damned extremely that he died.


“I'd never seen this before, but when we first looked at our victim seeing the waistband of his underwear was around his neck” Pottawatomie County Sheriff Mike Booth Booth said. I would hope not! That's not some shit that should ever be common. St. Clair had damage done to his face meaning that there was a fight that took place. The cause of death is being listed as blunt force trauma to the head and asphyxiation. That first part is just to make family feel better because no one wants to walk around knowing that their family member died because his draws killed him.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Rosscast Episode 300: The Last Show

In the final episode of the Rosscast I talk about not being sick anymore, hanging out with a lot of people recently, finally publishing books of my own (click here to check them out), We Going To Hell featuring a circle jerk marathon, a guy in Australia getting stuck in a washing machine, Bitches Be Crazy with yet another man being beat for not giving oral sex, Dude What The Fuck? with a follow up to a hazing story that ending with a testicle being removed, Only In Florida story that involves dildos being destroyed, Missed Connections with Bane, Pretty Ricky, and Buffalo Bill, and Listener Questions from Hazel, Shelly, and Dan. Thank you to everyone that has supported me and my show all these years. Click here for this and past Rosscat Shows.  

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Shit Just Got Real 12

Quinno's crazy ass sent me this story about a week ago. It is an uplifting story of one man's battle against the system and trying to retain not only his freedom, but his humanity. Or its about some dude that was beating off and fighting cops. You decide after reading.

Meet Andrew Frey, 37. A few days before Christmas in Oregon he went to Iggy's Bar & Grill and for whatever reason, call it a whim, call it a strong desire to show his body that he appreciated it, he started jerking off in front of everyone. Since they were all squares he decided to keep on bleeding the weasel. People had an issue with this so the police were called. Andrew had no more shits to give so he kept on burping the worm.

Now shit gets real.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Parents Failing Hard 10

You remember that one time you were at school and not feeling well and then all of a sudden this lady walked up to you and smacked the shit out of you? No? Neither do I. Because it didn't happen to us. I mean, maybe it did to you. I don't know how you grew up. But it sure as hell didn't happen to me. It occurred in South Carolina when a kid got sucker punched by a woman because of mistaken identity. I know all about mistaken identity. Hello, LAPD!

A mother of three named Tyshekka Collier went to her son's school because he got suspended. She walked up to her “son” and smacked his ass to the ground before realizing that, oops, it wasn't her kid. She supposedly apologized before finding her real son and then hitting his ass because apparently hitting little Black boys is like eating potato chips. The first kid she hit was in the office not because he was in trouble like her bad ass kid, but because he was sick. Can you imagine that shit?!

Johnny Panic: With Great Power Comes Absolutely No Responsibility

A while back my best friend Zazz told me about trying to be a more responsible person. I laughed at him because he had more credit card debt than anyone I knew and I knew and still know a lot of people. I mean, come on. I'm Johnny Panic. But he brought this responsibility shit up because I stopped a robbery Downtown and he said that I caused more harm than good.

“That doesn't even make sense” I told him. “You are making no sense. Nonsense. You're being nonsensical.”

“I never should've given you that word of the day calender” he sighed.

“Because it would indubitably bite you in the ass?” I asked him.

“Look” he said while we stood around watching workers repair the giant hole in the ground I made to stop an armored truck from driving off with a lot of cash. A lot for most people but pocket change for me. Because, well, you know. “You aren't even listening are you?” Zazz asked.

“Of course I was” I tell him. “I wish Small Wonder was back on the air, too.” I smile and he shakes his head at me. “You know what ever happened to the chick that played the robot? She was hot. You think she's dead? Or on drugs? Yeah. Drugs for sure.”

“I was saying that you cost the city about $60,000 in damages to fix this hole while there was only $50,000 in the armored car.”


Friday, January 3, 2014

Kids These Days 29

Remember when all you had to worry about was your kids getting high or worse stealing the pills that you thought you hid well? Now you have to worry about them using a drug called Krokodil. I first heard about this drug on a special and it was being used in Russia. Its one of those drugs where if you saw someone who used it regularly you'd ask yourself “Who in the fuck would ever do that?!” Well, the drug that is also known as the poor man's heroin is now in the US. A 17 year old girl from Houston, Texas was visiting relatives in Mexico when she went to a clinic because she was having “digestive problems.” I translate that into peeing out your ass.

Puerto Vallarta is making sure to point out that she didn't get the drug in Mexico, but brought the issue with her from the States. They don't know how she is doing because she never came back for a follow up because she's probably curled up in a ball watching her body parts fall off. That is a actual thing that happens when you use this shit. That is not an exaggeration. I have not included any pictures of the hundreds of people this has happened to. If you wanna Google that shit then by all means have fun. But you have been warned.