Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Dante Saves You: Giant Monster Edition

Now its time for the big boys. Giant monsters. You’ve already learned how to beat or at least get away from aliens, dinosaurs, ninjas, vampires, and zombies. Now you have to figure out how to escape monsters that are huge or the size of a damned building.

I know that when you see some of these things you start praying or screaming. Well now its time to knuckle the fuck up and rush right into battle. Who do you expect to help you? The government? The army?! Ha! Some of these will explain why that’s the last thing you should do.

DC Showcase: Catwoman

DC Comics continues to make Marvel look like shit in terms of animated movies, shorts, and series. I found this DC Showcase Presents: Catwoman and was kinda nervous at first. What with the images of the film in my head floating around still I wasn’t sure if she would be able to support herself.

"When the boss said we'd be chasing pussy all night I thought..."

Turns out I didn’t need to worry at all. The story starts off with a cat being shot at by two thugs until it falls off a bridge. A limo pulls up and this big ass White dude with diamond teeth ask them if the job is done. They say yes and head to a strip club. How else do you celebrate animal murders than by watching chicks dance?

This guy gives a chick a diamond chunk while another mentions that the last dancer that got one vanished. Catwoman shows up and suddenly ink and paper is making my pants tight. She does a dance and ends up whipping these guys asses.

Boner goes up...boner goes down!

The rest of the short is Catwoman getting into a hardcore fight involving motorcycles, explosions, and her scratching the shit out of people! I’m serious. You see her scratch someone once in a while but watching this made me realize how much it would absolutely suck to have someone do this to you.

After killing a few guys Catwoman opens large bin and its full of women who were being sold into sex slavery. One of them is a friend of hers I recognized from Batman: Year One. This short ruled. The animation, the story, the action. In just under fifteen minutes they managed to establish Catwoman as an actual threat without even mentioning Batman. Which I cant do. Because I love him.

Hey, I found a link! You can watch this right here. Until someone removes it.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Rosscast Episode 250: I Teach The Internets

In this episode I break format and take it old school style and just rambling about things that are on my mind like the L.A Riots being almost 20 years ago, Black people hating bees, getting rid of porn, fighting wolves, saving yourself for a special someone, and a new blog started by me and Camille called rocketsandchicken.blogspot.com. Click here to download this episode and here for past Rosscasts.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Dante Saves You: Ninja Edition

So now that you’ve learned to defeat or run away from dinosaurs, aliens, zombies, and vampires its time to take on something that has plagued humanity for years: ninjas. As much as I love ninjas I know that I will never be one so I have trained to not only spot one from a distance using my mutant ability of spotting shady people, but use natural hell damn instincts.

The problem with ninjas is they come in all different shapes, sizes, and races. That’s right, even White dudes are ninjas now. I guess Sho’Nuff could be a ninja. No. He was way too loud for that shit. You cant be the Shogun Of Harlem and be quiet. Here’s how you beat ninjas. You may thank me later.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Dante Saves You: Vampire Edition

I’ve helped you take out dinosaurs, aliens, and zombies. But for some reason you manage to find new ways to get into danger. So what is it this time? What? Oh. Shit. Okay. Vampires. Don’t worry, I’m a nerd and have spent countless hours planning ways to defeat this bastards. But you have to understand something first: vampires don’t play by the old rules anymore.

There are vampires that can walk in broad ass daylight now. That used to be the one tried and true way to beat these sumbitches and Hollywood has taken it away from us. But fear not, fellow Dantanian! I have contingency plans for any scenario you may encounter.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Dante Saves You: Zombie Edition

So far I have tried to teach you how to survive alien attacks and dinosaurs that want to use you for a chew toy. Now thanks to Njeeeri I’m gonna have to show your asses how to get away from zombies. Zombies are something humanity has feared ever since the first person died and their body twitched minutes later. That’s why “wakes” were created. To see if the corpse would. I hope you didn’t believe that.

But in case you did you are now one step closer to becoming a citizen of Dantania! Now, I have to explain that since there have been so many zombie updates I have to include fast moving zombies. I know, I know. It sucks that they can move quickly now but I didn’t create the rules. So now lets fuck some shit right the fuck up!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Dante Saves You: Dinosaur Edition

So you’ve managed to encounter a real life dinosaur. One of two things had to have happened. 1. You went back in time to preserve humanity Terra Nova style and forgot that dinosaurs are as abundant as free love in prison. Or 2. A family member convinced you that going to Jurassic Park was a fantastic idea and that you should totally bring the kids along!

Its fine. We all make stupid mistakes. But I am here to save you from death at the hands of these terrifying beasts that you have managed to stumble upon. This isn’t like the aliens I taught you how to fight. These don’t talk and you cant reason with them. But you can use superior intellect to at least leave with 75% of your body intact.

Dante Saves You: Alien Edition

We always talk about the plans we have if some aliens attacked. And by “we” I mean me and my lunatic ass friends. Seriously. My friends are deliciously psychotic and I love them for it. The problem most people have is that they apply alien encounter rules across the board and that shit could end with you being a hood ornament. No, not hanging from a Christmas tree in the ghetto. I mean the aliens would be using you as a warning to others to not fuck with them!

To stop this unfortunate act from occurring I have come up with what you should do if you encounter creatures from outer space from different Hollywood films. I hope you read this and take notes. Or, like, bookmark the page so you don’t have to ask me to link you here when the aliens are using you like a Muppet.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Starscream Is A Jerk

When I was little I watched a ton of cartoons. If I began to list them your head would explode and then you’d send me a bill to clean your computer and then I would be like “How did you write me, headless complainer?!” In these cartoons I noticed that I tended to like the jerks. On the Transformers cartoon there were a ton of characters to like. But for some reason one of the best ones was that jerk named Starscream. Even his name is jerkish.

Starscream is African for "Shiny death shouter...in sky."

Though he is just a jet plane Starscream rules. I’m not even into planes but when you make them take, have high ambitions, and laser cannons they suddenly become great. He’s always complaining, always running from battles though he is the first to start shit, and constantly scheming to take over the Decepticons. Its no secret that he would kill Megatron if he had the chance.

"Hulk Hogan! We comin' for you, nig--"

And he has! Every time Megatron transforms into a gun whose hands does he land in? Starscream. The most disloyal ass robot ever created! In Transformers The Movie, the real one, not that shit that made millions, when Megatron is hurt he steps on his hands and has him sent into space to die. Then he declares himself king and even has a coronation!

Its all short lived because Megatron comes back as Galvatron and turns hi into dust. Like actual dust. He comes back as a ghost which was really confusing because it makes you question: “Do roots dream of electronic sleep?” or ore specifically “How in the hell do robots have spirits?!” Whatever. That’s how cool Starscream is. He is an unbeatable jerk.

What’s funny about Starscream and his cowardly ways is that he was voiced by the same guy that did Cobra Commander. I demonstrated my ability to do this voice to a awesome ass friend tonight with the help of my cup full of orange juice. I wish I had a little bit more Starscream in my system and less Grimlock.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Dante vs. Nature 8

The sea is no joke. As a child I wanted to be a marine biologist at one point because I was young and stupid and didn’t realize that the ocean was just a den of death and the creepiest things to ever exist. I think dinosaurs are terrifying but at least they are gone. That is until you dig into the ocean and spot something that looks like Satan’s chew toy.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Mural Remix Tour 2012

The other day Cam invited me on a art tour. I had never been on a tour before where you, like, get on a bus and ride around and take pictures and “Ooh…” and “Ah…” at everything like a Smurf witnessing fireworks. It was hosted by UCLA and I am past glad that I went because I ended up enjoying myself a great deal.

The tour started off at The Fowler Museum where we checked out the Mapping Another L.A: The Chicano Art Movement and it was hosted by Pilar Tompkins Rivas. We saw a bunch of cool stuff there about the murals throughout Los Angeles and some videos. We had seen some the stuff from the artists from a previous exhibit at LACMA but more on that later. No picture taking in the museum so sorry, I have no photos.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Shit White Dudes Say To Me

I made a short video of things that White dudes have said to me. Enjoy.

Friday, January 20, 2012

My First Comic Book

People imagine my childhood far differently than it actually occurred. Some people think that I have stacks of comic books and have been collecting them ever since I was a child. This is not the case. I didn’t get into comics until I was in high school and couldn’t wait for the next issue of The Age Of Apocalypse came out. Before that I would read Wizard when it was nearby or a friend had it but I wasn’t running to the comic shop every week buying comics.

With the AOA series they took Marvel and made a history that was affected by the fact that Charles Xavier was killed. The art in almost every issue was good. The stories were fresh and new. It ran for a while and I ended up buying pretty much every single issue. Then it was done and so was I.

Shade the Changing Man was the next series of comics that had me running to 7/11 and Golden Apple. Remember that place? No, its not gone. I just stopped going there when they decided that toys and yoyo’s were more important than, you know, comic books.

The very first comic book I ever got was Daredevil Issue 261. No, I didn’t beg my parents to buy it, head to the shop, or have any interest in daredevil. I didn’t even know what the hell Daredevil was. I bought it from this guy I think was named Henry. A tall White guy that wore camouflage pants every day and would have all us kids chase him while he pretty much parkour’d away from us.

One day he needed money for the bus right when we were leaving school. He said “I’ll sell this for a quarter.” I happened to have one so I got it. The cover looked cool. Imagine my shock when I read it on the bus ride home and The Human Torch never lights up completely and Daredevil isn’t even in costume. It pretty much all took place in a bar.

Since that first comic I’ve become a huge fan of Daredevil. I’ve given away boxes of comic books. All I have are trade paper backs and graphic novels. The last time I read regularly was when Mr. Soot was letting me borrow all those DC 52 comics which was the inspiration for even starting this blog. I wish I knew where that dude Henry was so I could thank him for accidentally creating a monster.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 3

Click here for Part 1.

Click here for Part 2.

Its not even lunchtime and I am dying for a drink. Literally dying. Thankfully me and Sad Sack are being distracted by Boobs as she makes her rounds. She’s not talking to anyone, just walking around and being sexy…from the neck down. I’ve slept with some very unattractive women in my time. But even in my most drunken state I had my limits.


“I would hurt that woman’s feelings” Sad Sack says under his breath. I almost don’t hear him. I’m paying attention to this guy across the way watching Boobs and he has more interest than a new home. I nudge Sad Sack and his eyes go wide. God, I love Black people. They have the best reactions. “Jesus…”

“I think we should introduce ourselves” I suggest.

“Not yet” Sad Sack says. Suddenly the guy who I’ll now call Happy Hands grits his teeth and lets out a small scream. And right on cue here comes Mr. W. Scott. Happy Hands tries to pretend he doesn’t see him and starts walking towards the exit. He makes eye contact with us. Sad Sack looks at the ceiling. I wave. Mr. W. Scott sees me and shaves a few years off my life with a sneer.

“I bet that guy is the happiest one in the room” I say. “I mean, before joy kill showed up. He sees a chick like Boobs over there and instead of storing her in his Spank Bank for later he just took care of it now. Damn.”

Mr. W. Scott points to the exit and Happy Hands leaves. The room just got a little sadder. Mr. W. Scott walks over to us and eyeballs Sad Sack. He pulls out his clipboard and checks something off and walks away.

“Hate that nigga” Sad Sack says.

“Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!” I say. “Whoa!”

“What?” he asks.

“You absolutely have to stop saying that ugly word” I tell him.

Dante vs. Nature 7

Death from above. That’s what I think of when I see birds flying around the sky, all cocky with their ability to…fly. They dip and dive and shit on us. They literally shit on us! So I compiled a list of the birds that we all look at and think are beautiful but are actually demonic beasts who ruin newly washed cars and clothes. These are just a sample of the many animals I don’t trust.

Ostrich. “Ostriches usually weigh from 140–290 lbs, with exceptional male ostriches weighing up to 346 lbs. The feathers of adult males are mostly black, with white primaries and a white tail. However, the tail of one subspecies is buff. Females and young males are greyish-brown and white. The head and neck of both male and female ostriches is nearly bare, with a thin layer of down.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 2

Click here for Part 1.

Day one of rehab was stupid really. Everyone is pretty much preparing themselves to be miserable. Nobody is looking forward to the shakes and all that fun stuff. I don’t care. Shit happens. I wander around getting the lay of the land of this place until I head to my room. There’s a big Black guy sitting on one of the beds. Hmm. Didn’t know we were gonna have roommates. He’s staring at the wall where a TV should be and has a pile of Kleenex sitting on what is my bed.

“Hello, Sad Sack” I say to him. He stops crying and looks at me for a few moments before he starts crying again. Oh, this is gonna be so fun. You have no idea how excited I am about this.

“Who the fuck are you?” he asks me between sobs.

“My name is Alan Thompson and I am an alcoholic” I tell him with a bow. We don’t bow enough anymore. He doesn’t bother to introduce himself so he will continue to be known as Sad Sack for the rest of this tale. “You mind getting your shit off my bed so I can lay down?" Sad Sack grabs all the tissues and throws them on the floor. I hate a mess so I pick them up and place them on his pillow.

Black people scare me. No, I’m not racist. I love Black porn and Black music. But I’m just not used to being around them. Sad Sack jumps off the bed and grabs me by the collar and slams me against the wall. I’d say something real clever but all the air in my lungs is currently moving the curtains across the room.

“Don’t fuck with me!” he shouts. His breath smells like cinnamon. “I got too much shit on my plate to have your ignorant ass making things worse!”

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 1

“I will not praise your weakness. I will not celebrate your sobriety. Your failings as a human and hopefully triumphant return to the land of those of us that contribute to society in varying useful ways shall not give me cause for applause. In the next three weeks you will hurt. You will cry, beg, plead, shout, scream, and pray. Welcome to your rebirth. Now get out of here.”

What the hell kinda of rehab was this?! That lovely introduction given by Mr. W. Scott was either meant to inspire us all to be better people or to see how fast we could all race to the front desk to see if it was too late to get a partial refund on our checks. 

Why would someone ever subjugate themselves to something like this? I mean, who wouldn’t want to pay $5,000 a week to have someone remind you of what a hot mess you were and how your parents wish that the condom had worked or that your father hadn’t had that extra glass of wine thus making your mother attractive enough to slide his noodle-like genitalia into her sand-like vagina?

Fuck Disneyland, this is the happiest place on Earth!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Rosscast Episode 249: All Culturefied

In this episode I talk about Walgreen’s coming to West Hollywood, my trip to the museum, why I’m happy dinosaurs are extinct, Bitches Be Crazy involving sex and McNuggets, Dude What The Fuck? with guns hidden in asses, Bad Parent Of The Week starring biscuits and butcher knives, and Only In Florida where a woman really hates Judge Judy. Click here to download this and here for past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Dante Makes Alternative Fuels

We’re running out of shit to use in terms of fuel. Well, that’s not really true. There’s fuel in places but its near beaches where people don’t want drilling or its in places that are far and thousands of soldiers have to be sacrificed to do it.

"I'll be damned if we're going back to $4.50 a gallon!"

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Dinosaurs Terrify Dante

The other day I went to the Natural History Museum with Cam. It was awesome since I hadn’t been there since I was a little kid. It seemed that back then I went to museums more often and by junior high I didn’t care because the classes only went to boring ass places. It turned out that museums were actually pretty damned cool and that it sucked just because I was surrounded by a bunch of idiots (classmates) and a guide (teacher) that didn’t know what they were talking about. Now when I go its with a friend that’s smarter than me and has, like, culture and shit.

Dante Wants These Cars

I don’t drive but my entire life I have been obsessed with cars. No, not regular ass cars that you see driving around all the time. I wanted stuff from movies and TV shows. This is a list of the cool ass cars that I’ve wanted my entire life but will likely never own. And for good reason because I would destroy this entire city within a matter hours.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Dante's Work History In Hollywood

This morning was my last day as an assistant editor for reality TV. Talking trash about reality TV is like punching a three legged retarded puppy. Fun for a few minutes but it gets old fast. Before I ever got into any of these jobs I never knew they really existed. A friend asked if I was interested and I said yes since 2009 was the year I couldn’t find a job for shit. I first started in early 2010 on Hell’s Kitchen as a transcriber. What that means is that you listen to interviews from the contestants and write down everything that they say.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Yahoo! News Is Insane

I usually skip right past the weird ass news stories they have on Yahoo! unless its about a wardrobe malfunction or something. I just don’t care about the strange shit that happens in the world unless its nearby. But there was one story that I saw and went “The fuck…?!” Here is one of those stories.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Kneel Before Zod!

Ask me what I remember about Superman 2? Ask me!!! General Zod, Ursa, and Non. Fuck the rest of the movie. I know that people love Christopher Reeves as The Man Of Steel and the director Richard Donner and all that jazz. But for me the best parts of the movie involved three aliens that had all of the hero’s powers doing nothing but wrecking shit. Because, honestly. That is exactly what you would do if you had as much power as the strongest guy on Earth.

When I was little I liked Superman because of his powers. I didn’t like the character himself. So imagine my surprise when I am ready to watch a crumby Superman movie and all of a sudden these three lunatics show up. I love how they show up and they’re just like “Everything on this planet sucks. Let’s hurt it.

They beat up hillbillies just for funsies. Burn snakes because, well, no humans were nearby. These three were the nightmare of every Black person on the planet.

"Aw, hell naw!"

Besides their leader General Zod there is Ursa. Knowing nothing about these characters history and not really caring to do any real research, she is mean for no reason. This crazy bitch is so evil that at one point Superman hauls back to clock her. He didn’t even try to punch Lois Lane and she is punchable every time she is on screen. Go and watch a scene with her. See? You totally just punched your screen, didn’t you? Learn some impulse control, you maniac. Allegedly she is a “consort.” That means she gets paid a lot to have sex, doesn’t it?

Totally caught looking at her ass.

Then there is Non. I had to look this guy up because all’s I would’ve written was “He strong.” Dude used to be a scientist but got lobotomized and he is now dumb. I love the way this big crazy bastard looks. Look at him with that rocket. He just took it like “I feel like chicken tonight!” Fully aware that sentence made no sense. I would love to have a guy like this on my team even though he’s a complete glass licker.

They should’ve been able to beat Superman. I mean, they have all of his powers and there’s three of them. But eventually he is able to send them all back to The Phantom Zone which looks like a bad 80’s album cover. There are worse places to be trapped than a mirror with Ursa. She’d be kneeling before Zod alright. Know what I’m saying…?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Halle Berry Needs To Stop It

Everyone knows who Halle Berry is. She’s the hot ass Black chick who we all kinda forget has a poor White mother that gets no credit for birthing her. She is known as one of the best actresses in the world, which I think is very debatable. She’s okay. Not close to great. From Monster’s Ball I know that she can take a good dicking from the human STD Billy Bob Thornton. To this day I scream “Make me feel good!” whenever I can. Never during sex though. That’s where I weep knowing it wont happen again anytime soon.

Halle has been hot for years. But there have been stories. Lots of stories. Most of them have to do with her boobs or her brain, the fourth and fifth sexiest things on a girl. Her boobs because, seriously, they are fucking amazing boobs. And her brain because she has done some pretty strange shit.

No, I’m not talking about starring in Catwoman or her terrible performance in X-Men. I mean like her hit and run accident back in the day. Twice. Then there’s the whole issue of the men she has dated. I’m mentioned this in my previous Halle Berry Theory but since then (three years ago) she has had a child with one guy and fought for child custody and is now engaged to be married to another.

"Happy New Year!!!"
I know a lot of people are asking themselves “Seriously, Dante. How do you have such beautiful eyelashes?” or “What the fuck business is it of yours who Halle Berry dates or marries?” To which I’ll respond “Luck” and “Its my business because fuck you.

I find it funny that people get upset that I get upset about random shit like Halle’s life. Look, you can all get mad about the 1%, Occupy stuff that means nothing, or the environment that will survive long after humans have been wiped off the globe by Cthulhu riding a comet firing machineguns with laser sight. I’ll concern myself with a chick with great tits. And by the way, that last scenario is totally gonna happen one day.

All this is to say a few things. Halle has been through the ringer with her relationships. We don’t know what she is like behind closed doors (that are padded). But since she wont say I will continue to speculate which I’m fucking awesome at. She will stay with this new guy but not actually get married.

Shortly after she will request that everyone respects her privacy during this difficult time. Maybe she will do a film or two no one sees or knows about (did you know she did two movies last year?). Then she will continue to date people in entertainment that will probably hurt her. Thus the circle of life is complete. Seriously. She named her kid after the female lion from The Lion King.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Kids These Days 2

On my last list Kids These Days I got a lot of positive feedback from people. The reactions were a mixture of laughter and horror. We don’t really think about the old terms we say or the things we used to do no longer being a part of culture or modern life anymore. So here are a few more things that are slowly dying off that necessarily should not.

1. Old Grandparents. This one isn’t exactly something new but it is something that does not happen the way it used to. Now someone can be a grandparent before they’re 40 years old. When I was a kid grandparents were actually old. They were in their late 60’s and early 70’s. This is a family theme though because if a person is a grandparent at 40 that means they had a kid young and the circle is complete. When I was little my grandparents were old. They didn’t play catch with us and run around chasing us. Well, Grandpapa did because we fucked with him while he was sleeping all the time.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Charlyne Yi Makes Me Happy

I’m not even sure why. Charlyne Yi for some reason floats my boat. Granted for a while now my boat has been all over the damned place. There are girls I would never have found attractive all of a sudden hot as hell. I’m the type of person that will like or date someone just because I can talk to them. That in turn will make them attractive to me. Don’t ask how it works. It just does. But this chick in particular, I just don’t get it. Its not that she isn’t cute. She is. Maybe because she is mixed with Filipino, Spanish, Korean, Mexican, Irish, German, French, and Native American ancestry. That’s a lot of stuff.

Dante Doesn't Like Dolphins

Dolphins are dicks. I’m sick of hearing science tell me how smart a creature that can lose its life over the things that hold soda cans together. And are these plastic things gathering in circles and attacking dolphins? I don’t know. What I do know is that dolphins aren’t these magical sea saviors people have painted them out to be. And how are they considered so damn cute when sharks look like just angry versions of them. Seriously, have you ever seen an angry dolphin? I have. They attack you with those damned pointy noses. And that sound they make hurts my ears.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Dante's Fish Died

Billy Ocean Batman Maximus del Prime-O has passed away. I got the crazy little mofo back in mid-2010 from a pet shop that no longer exists. I was working on this show called WCG The Ultimate Gamer and while heading to Little Caesar’s I passed the place and decided that I needed fish in my life. Normally I mean this sexually but this time I mean a pet. When I saw him amongst the other fish he stood out because he was going nuts. The other fish were like “I don’t even care anymore…” But not him. I took him back to work and a few co-workers said “I’ve never seen you this happy.

I’m sure some people are wondering why I would dedicate a blog to a fish. “Its just a fish…” you say. To understand how much this upsets me you have to know my story. And my story goes something like this.

Friday, January 6, 2012

What The Fuck Are Dirt People?!

Rape. It's what's for dinner.
What the fuck are dirt people?” I’ve been asked this question countless times which means that they have not taken over. Yet. This crazy bastard Lord Humungus was my first introduction to these mofos. He's a high level one though hence the muscles. When I was little I watched a lot of B Movies. In these movies it seemed cheap to make a film about the bleak future we have to look forward to. I always noticed a running theme in these (besides the lack of lotion). And that theme was fucking Dirt People! These things aren't a figment of my imagination like starting a family, having a full-time job, or one day getting abs. I am just letting you all know that if we aren't careful, we will suffer some dirty ass wrath.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Dante Wants To Do Dumb Things

I’ve watched too many movies in my life. This has led me to thinking and wishing that I could do things that would get my head busted open…if I’m lucky. I’d likely just get wrecked and have to sit in a hospital peeing into a plastic container and whining. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to try everything on this list.

Jump from one high rooftop to another while being chased by cops. I didn't do anything wrong but they think I did and have orders to shoot to kill. As I get away they can't help but marvel at my athletic abilities. Let’s ignore the fact I cant jump high. That doesn’t matter because I have a good horizontal leap. And that’s all I need to make it across a rooftop. That and not to be wearing my damned dress shoes since those make dry, regular ass ground dangerous as Florida.

Astonishing X-Men: Gifted

Marvel Comics needs to get his shit together. Them and their marketing team apparently because I didn’t even know this movie existed. I’m talking about Astonishing X-Men: Gifted. It’s a moving comic book and is based off the series of the same name written by nerd overlord Joss Whedon. Now, we all know that just because something has the X name in it doesn’t guarantee it’ll be successful. This continued that trend. Meanwhile DC Comics is knocking them out the park each and every time.

It starts off with Kitty Pryde showing up at the mansion for the first day of school with a new group of students. The team is composed of Beast, Wolverine, Cyclops, and Emma Frost. Cyclops and Frost are dating even though he is pretty much just using her to keep his genitals warm until Jean Grey comes back. They even point out that people always come back to life. More on that later. Even though these people have known and worked together for decades its like they never have before. Maybe its because Xavier is gone which is fine since he’s a lying asshole.

There is a new drug being developed that will cure the mutant “disease.” A few new students want to give it a try and Beast is all like “Oh, hell yes!” Wolverine is pissed that he would even consider it. So they fight. This is the second fight Wolverine has started since he got back. The cure was built because an alien named Ord that looks like what the Devil picks from his teeth and it makes no sense that any human would look at him and go “I believe everything you say” told them that a mutant was gonna wreck shit in three years.

Fast forward to SHIELD being involved somehow but not really, the team sneaking into the base and finding a dead mutant, and Kitty finding out that Colossus is not really dead but had his mind transported into another body that does everything his old one did. He beats the hell out of the bad guy and all is right with the world. But not. I know that this was just part of an arc but it felt like total nonsense and I don’t get why people thought this was one of the best X-Men stories in the last ten years.