Sunday, March 30, 2014

"Teenage Dirtbag" Part 6

After Camaro dragged Lord's body into the bathtub containing sodium hydroxide with a small, flat heating unit set to 270 degrees underneath he knew he had a few hours until the body dissolved so he went into the living room and sat on the couch next to his aunt Stacy. She watched him sit down and sighed. He nudged her cigarettes closer.

“Thanks” she said.

“You are welcome” he replied.

“No” she said. “Not just for this. For handling Lord. Normally I would've done it but since I used to date the guy it makes it a bit awkward. That son of a bitch. I can't believe he tried to kill us. Something is really wrong. We need to find out who hired him and kill them.”

“How do you suggest we begin?” Camaro asked. He slid the ashtray towards Stacy before she could flick the ashes on the floor.

“Reverse track the asshole” she said. “How good are your computer skills?”

“Very good” he said.

“Okay then” Stacy said and took a long drag from her cigarette, sending her into a coughing fit. “Jesus. That was a good one. Anyway, I need you to get every number from Lord's phone. Names, addresses, whatever you can find. Obviously our services are no longer needed.” Stacy paused and waited for a reaction from Camaro. After getting none she continued. “When we're finished we gotta move. You okay with that?”

“Yes” he said.

“Good” she said as she bit her bottom lip.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Dante Saves You: Violent Game Show Edition

I believe that within the next five years that we will be at a point as a society where we will be totally fine with people being murdered on live television. Right now if you wanna see folks get killed you can easily find it on the internet and seeing as how the internet is becoming TV for many, like me, murder live will be a thing.

I have found four movies where people are killed for the enjoyment of the public in this Dante Saves You: Violent Game Show Edition. No matter who your enemy is by the time you're finished reading this you will be a winner. No. A champion! Because I don't train losers, you limp-dicked freak! Oh, you're a women? Too bad, Susie! Get your lady dick out there! Its go time!

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Women Don't Fight Fair 7

A lady in Pennsylvania decided to do the thing that women do that they should do only once every twenty years: try to cut a man's penis off. I know men can be terrible and I am willing to let one of us be sacrificed every twenty years for penile removal. But this trying to or cutting off of penises needs to stop! Lisa Jones-Orock, who is a very hard 39, got into a battle with her husband and it ended with her trying to remove his junk.

Cops showed up and her husband, Gerald Orock who is a very hard 56 had his arms and hands bleeding. Then they noticed that the crotch of his pants were also cut to shit like some bad band from the 80's. He told police that Lisa attacked him with a knife while she said that he had come at her with the knife. I'd say she won that battle though it looks like he got some shots in on her while it happened.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Dude, What The F**k?! 8

I saw this story the other day and was gonna write about it but then less than 24 hours the story is over. This guy named Michael Anthony Brown, 31, of North Carolina was being searched for because he was he figured that it was a fine idea to go on a toe licking spree in a local Walmart. He went there and lied saying that he was a podiatry student and a lady who obviously can't spot a pervert with a lame ass lie.

Brown started to help her with her shoes and then popped her foot into his mouth and started sucking on her toes. She got pissed at this freak and he offered to buy her groceries probably while she tried to wipe his nasty ass spit off her foot. She says that she believed that he was an employee of the store but if you look at the surveillance image that was taken of him there is nothing about that Cosby sweater that says “Ask me for help. I work here!” The victim also said that Brown started a conversation with her about shoes because women love shoes. Its science.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Bronie Bullying

In North Carolina a 9 year old boy named Bruce Grayson was being bullied for carrying a My Little Pony backpack. In response to the bullying his school has asked him to just leave the backpack at home to stop from being attacked. “They're taking it a little too far, with punching me, pushing me down, calling me horrible names, stuff that really shouldn't happen” he said.

Schools officials said that Bruce should “immediately address a situation that had created a disruption in the classroom” which is a nice way of saying “kid, if you leave the bag at home you'll stop getting your ass kicked.” His mother, Noreen Grayson, says that the school needs to punish the kids that have been bullying her son.

A couple of months ago an 11 year old boy named Michael Morones tried to kill himself after being bullied for liking the My Little Pony cartoon. His mother Tiffany Morones-Suttle says that her son loved to dance and was energetic, which she believes may have been one of the reasons why he was bullied.

His mother found him hanging off the side of his bed from the railing. By the time his parents got him to the hospital he had been hanging for so long that too much oxygen had been cut off from his brain and he was now brain damaged.

Dante Saves You: Evil Witch Edition

Witches are a fascinating thing. You have good ones, bad ones, hot ones, ugly ones. You even have people that think that because they wear all black and look miserable that they are witches. One time a witch came into the porn shop. I don't think I've ever mentioned this on a blog before. Note: into. Not, like, in. She brought a big, expensive book to the counter and said “You're going to give this to me for free.” I raised my eyebrow at her and she did the two finger point like from The Color Purple. Which funny enough was the color of the bruises all over her arms.

I realized that I was dealing with a crackhead or someone who thought they were a witch. And she didn't realize that I am a magical creature that crackles with sexual energy. So I stare at this broad and she repeats her line and I say “No, I'm not.” She points harder at me and I smile. She calls me weird and leaves. Of course my coworker only heard the part about me being weird. I told him I knew something was wrong because a girl was in the porn shop. So taking this story I can easily teach you how to defeat some witches in this Evil Witch Edition!

We Going To Hell 8

A guy in Florida decided that it was a good idea to enter a place with knives and an assault rifle. People are describing him as “Rambo” and I question whether or not these people have ever seen that movie before. Daniel Allen Noble, 37, was apparently at this place called Europa Lounge and drinking, just minding his business. Then he came back carrying weapons with bad intentions on his mind. He decided that it was time for some Mortal Kombat and started challenging people to a fight.

Don't feed the bear. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

So of course fat Rambo here was tackled by people in the place because fuck him. While being restrained he fired off two shots. After having his rifle taken away he used one of his knives to continue the battle. One of the men was cut on the face while fighting this freak. I like to think in this situation that I would've jumped in, but, come on. Dude had a gun and knives. That's excessive.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 11

Sad Sack left the room after assaulting me. What kinda man touches another man's dick without giving him the chance to return the favor? I know how that sounds but I am in far too much pain to care right now. I try to sit up and a sound somewhere between a whimper and a belch escapes my lips. I think I'll lay here for a few more minutes. I close my eyes and someone knocks on the door frame.

“If you're here to punch my dick get in line” I say. A woman giggles. I look and its Boobs covering her mouth which doesn't help. She's with Inky, the chick with all those tattoos and half her head shaved. “Don't take offense, but I'm not physically capable of looking at a woman right now.”

“None taken” Inky says. “Looks like you've been through hell and back.”

“I'm not back just yet” I tell her. “I swear if I sneezed right now my dick would fall off.”

“TMI” Inky says. “How did you manage to piss so many people off so fast? It hasn't even been a week here.”

“It hasn't?!” I shout, sitting up. I immediately regret this decision and curl into a ball. “Did you know that my roommate rapes his wife?”

Playmate Gets Whacked With A Golf Club

It bugs me when I see a news story where someone does something stupid and then gets mad when they are hurt. Take for instance this Playboy playmate named Liz Dickson. Back in 2012 she made an appearance at a golf tournament thrown by the magazine where she let a morning show host for Playboy (I had no idea such a thing existed) hit a golf ball from a tee wedged between her ass crack. Of course he hit more of her ass than the ball when he accomplished this feat and she and everyone there were all smiles, laughter, and giggles. That is until the bruising started. Because we all know that the same rules apply to adulthood as they did when we were younger: everything is fun until someone gets hurt.

A post on Facebook says that she was 2011's “Girl of Playboy Golf Winner. Liz is from Traverse City, Michigan and when not modeling, works at Stingers in Wixom. When not spending time with her son, Liz likes to shop, see her friends, have fun and act silly. Liz enjoyed meeting the Playmates at the Playboy Golf Tournament and made several new friends.”

She is now suing for battery and negligence and wants $500,000 in damages. Nowadays people get hurt and want money for the rest of their life. Wixom's is a bar and grill in Michigan where she can work there for the rest of her life and never get that much money. She made the decision to say yes to being humiliated in public by having someone perform a Jackass stunt and got hurt. If you let another human being swing a golf club at you and you get hurt you don't get to sue. You say to yourself “Wow, that was stupid. I probably shouldn't have let that guy hit that ball off my ass. That's on me.” No. People now say that they were battered and its everyone's fault but their own. I feel like screaming like Willy Wonka. “You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!” Uh, ma'am. I can not bring myself to feel bad for someone who would volunteer for something the way she did. Was she afraid of being fired if she said no? I would rather be known as that chick at the party that went home fine than the one that was the part of the party that involved having someone swing a club at me. Maybe I am just boring that way.

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 10

After about ten minutes I am able to gather myself off the floor using the wall to prop myself up. When Softy kneed me in the dick I was rock hard. I forgot to mention it, but I don't wear underwear and I like loose pants. So I was “pointed” at 45 degrees and she got me head first, if you will. I manage to make it all the way to my room and Sad Sack is there on his bed reading a book. He looks at me, shakes his head, and keeps reading.

“I'm fine” I tell him. “No need to be concerned.”

“I wasn't” he says and licks his thumb and turns the page. I've never understood why people did that. Particularly him because he's Black and I know for a fact that he applies generous amounts of lotion to his body. “What?” he asks when he feels me looking at him. Another Black thing.

“Two things” I say. “Black people are weird and I got beat up twice in the last half hour.”

“Just twice?” he says and laughs. “You must be getting better at keeping your mouth shut.”

“I kissed Mr. W. Scott's daughter” I said while rolling to my side. For some reason that made my dick feel better. Sad Sack dropped his book and stared at me. “Well, she kissed me if you wanna be all technical about it.”

“That man is gonna kill your dumb ass” he said. “You are in here to stop drinking and fucking your father's new woman and in reality you're here to get some ass.”

“No, but Happy Hands is” I tell him. Sad Sack looks confused and I remember that I haven't told anyone these nicknames. “You know, the guy that keeps jerking it?”

“Oh, him.”

Friday, March 14, 2014

Women Don't Fight Fair 6

This is kinda the definition of women not fighting fair right here. This 54 year old woman, Julie Ottaviani, decided to get revenge on her cheating husband. Okay. Good for her. She didn't cut his dick off, bang his friends, or drug him. Very mature of her. But what she did do might actually be a tiny bit worse than all of that. See, the problem when some people are upset is that instead of focusing their hatred into a fine laser beam of rage they will just buckshot it, hitting all kinds of innocent victims. In this case it was a 14 year old boy.

After finding out that her husband had cheated on her by hacking into his computer and cell phone she found pictures of the new woman aka side piece. Now, instead of confronting him with these pictures or going to the woman and fighting it out in the streets like adults, she decided to take shit to a whole 'nother level. She took the photos and downloaded them. Now, I know what you're thinking. She posted them all over the internet. She sent them to her husband and the woman's jobs. Nope. That would have been nicer. What she did was even more sinister.

By the way, I love that I am dragging this out. Its called suspense, people!

So A Bishop Dropped Dead During Service

“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” - Proverbs 28:13

Bishop Bobby Davis dropped dead in church! I should just leave it at that. Preaching out of Bridgeport, Connecticut since the late 1960's. Davis who has a master's degree in theological studies, a doctorate degree in ministry, and is a certified marriage and family therapist was taken to the hospital and pronounced dead. Now, he didn't die because he was jumping around and screaming and people are want to do. He died after making a confession about infidelity.

Now, before any of you say anything regarding the word “karma” look it up. Hopefully then you'll stop using it improperly. Bishop Davis' wife Christine Davis, who he had been married to for 50 years, was told about his stepping out ways and told him that he needed to tell the church about it. I would have been like “Uh, yeah. But no.” Davis asked his congregation to stay around after service because he had something to say. He admitted to an affair to his people and then all hell broke loose. Not literally.

Only In Florida 9

You know that thing when kids get in trouble and their names aren't released because they're minors? Not in Florida! 15 year old Nicholas Lucari is facing felony charges after messing with the drink of his 69 year old teacher Dale Dawson Yount. This kid is going to be in for a world of trouble.

Cue sad Hulk Music.

While in school he decided that it would be funny/cool/interesting perhaps to put a hand sanitizer, Germ-X, into his teacher's Diet Coke. That drink is already bad enough without some punk ass kid adding shit to it. The police report says that Nicholas “did willfully, intentionally, and with the intent to injure” Yount and he's been “ suspended from school pending an expulsion hearing.” The teacher starting feeling sick after having the drink and went to a hospital.

Dante Vs. Nature 39

Nature is a sneaky bastard. There are always new animals found that freak me out because it turns out that these things are still evolving and being made right now. Then there are the ones that have been walking around all this time just waiting for me to somehow stumble across them. That's not fair to anyone. I recently was made aware of one horrifying creature by H. and this lead to me finding a bunch of other strange ass creatures. Some are small, some are large, all are horrible.

Just like penises.


“The fossa is the largest mammalian carnivore on the island of Madagascar and has been compared to a small cougar. Adults have a head-body length of 28–31 inches and weigh between 12–19 lb, with the males larger than the females. It has semi-retractable claws and flexible ankles that allow it to climb up and down trees head-first, and also support jumping from tree to tree. The fossa is unique within its family for the shape of its genitalia, which share traits with those of cats and hyenas.”

What are you supposed to be, you cougar weasel? If I saw this in the woods I'd at first think it was a kitty cat that's been lost for a while and went feral or a baby cougar. Either way its no bueno for me. Those bonkers ankles make me nervous but not as nervous as its weird penis. In case you get curious, don't look up its genitals. Cats and hyenas have jacked up wangs. If people had them we'd never have sex. Women would be like “The fuck you're having sex with me!” If you're ever in Madagascar don't try and pet this nonsense. Its penis is stupid.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Jimmy Failla Is A Dick

This guy is a dick. When I first saw this story I hoped that it was fake. Like that one porno I saw where a guy went down on a woman for more than ten seconds. I mean, come on with that. That's not a real thing. Anyway, this New York cab driver named Jimmy Failla that calls himself a comedian and author decided to prank people by putting a big ass Burmese python in the back of the cab with passengers, locking the door so they couldn't get out, and filming it. Why? Read the first sentence of this paragraph again.

A prank to me is silly, harmless things. Not putting a fucking snake in the proximity of someone who is not expecting it. That's called being an asshole. These people are trying to get somewhere. No one rides cabs for funsies. Can you imagine trying to get someplace and suddenly a snake is dumped into the backseat with you? My reaction although I have no fear of snakes would be to stomp the shit out of it like I'm listening to Kirk Franklin. Jimmy is using the snake and passengers as a way to promote a book he is doing about conquering fears.

Dude, What The F**k?! 7

I have seen quite a few movies where someone on a plane starts shit for whatever reason. Usually for some political cause or money. But in real life it tends to be because someone decided to get hammered and turn into a one man frat party in the sky which needs to become the title of a new movie. Meet 23 year old Orion Koshinsky. While on a flight from Boston to Fort Lauderdale he stood up and made an announcement to the passengers on the plane.

“I want to make sure everybody on the plane knows that I'm in the military and you can buy me drinks. I'm in the military, what can I get for free?” So because people feel guilty for not serving in the military or because they somehow forget that not everyone that has served deserves anything free they got him some drinks. Now, I can understand one, maybe two drinks. But after three drinks Orion decided it was time to act a fool. He threw someones bag in the aisle and screaming and cursing at people.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 9

I head to the bathroom and sit on the toilet. Minutes ago after Mr. W. Scott punched me in the stomach I'd never had the urge to shit so bad in my life. Now I am fine. After ten minutes I get up and flush for no reason. I walk over to the mirror and look at myself. I look okay. Not great, but okay. My teeth could be whiter and I have a few premature gray hairs coming in. My nose is slightly crooked from that fall I took back in '09 down that flight of stairs. Or was it from when I took that cops nightstick and pretended to give it a blowjob while he had it on his hip? Either way, its crooked. Just when I'm about to leave Happy Hands walks in.

“Wow” he says to me. I just shrug. “That was quite a show you put on out there.”

“I don't get what you mean” I reply. For once he isn't touching himself. Its hard to recognize him.

“That speech you gave about your parents leaving the liquor out and all that” he says. “Oh, come on! A bullshitter can spot a bullshitter, man. And you are a bullshitter.”

“Am not!”

“Are too!” he shouts. He slaps me on the shoulder and laughs. I make a mental note to burn this shirt as soon as possible. “I don't care, but we are here to get better. Be honest and all that shit. Speaking of which...” he says and heads to a stall. He closes it and immediately starts going number two.

Dante Vs. Nature 38

I believe that when a woman gets married or dates someone, no matter how strong and tough that woman is, she likes to believe that if the shit hit the fan that her man would be able to protect her and/or their child. Sadly, this isn't always the case. Sometimes they end up with a guy that is a big ass pussbot that is afraid of small animals. Teresa Barker and her boyfriend Lee Palmer of Oregon were held hostage by a 22 pound fat ass kitty cat when it decided to go H.A.M on them.

They called animal control and they wouldn't come. This isn't unheard of. I called once when me and my brother were kept from heading into our home when a giant ass St. Bernard of the crackhead neighbors was loose and on our porch. My brother bailed and I waited until my other brother came home and he blocked the dog off with his car. He then sprayed the dog with air freshener after calling animal control who never came. But that was a dog that was a couple hundred pounds. Not a damned kitty cat with anger issues! But I digress.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Kids These Days 35

If I told you that the guy in this story was 17 (some stories are saying he's 18) you'd call me a lying liar who lies. But he is a kid. A very old looking kid. John Carter of Texas wanted some weed as most kids these days do. So he asked his mama for some money to get this weed and she did what any responsible parent would do; she said no. Good for her. That is until John got upset.

John was arrested for setting his mother's clothes on fire because she wouldn't give him money for weed. This dumb bastard. So you ask your mother for some money for drugs, she tells you no, so you set her shit on fire? That makes no sense. Its the definition of nonsense. He was arrested and being held on $30,000 bail. That's not enough. There should be no bail set.

Friday, March 7, 2014

We Going To Hell 7

Sometimes Texas reminds me of that guy who used to be known as the life of the party. People will reminisce about all the crazy shit it used to do so it decides to relive its glory days so it does something insane but goes too far. Over the years Florida became the champion of crazy in the U.S. and Texas refuses to relinquish the crown. This story begins with a woman that was arrested on meth charges after being arrested at Walmart for shoplifting.


Charlene Marie Ellet was arrested after employees reported seeing her stealing shit. It was less than $50 worth of stuff which doesn't seem like something worth risking your freedom over. Her brother, Cameron Beck, showed up at the store and police looked on his vehicle and found a powder that tested positive for meth. Not sure why he let them search his car or why he is so messy with his drug use. Why would there be meth dust just laying all over the damned place? Anyhoot, his dumb ass was arrested too. Charlene told police that she and her brother both used it a few weeks ago which in drug time means hours ago.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Shit Just Got Real 19

Its not very often I get to report a story like this. False. This is starting to happen more often. You know that thing when a woman attacks someone with a sex toy? Yeah. That old thing. In New Mexico 35 year old Cara Claffy who doesn't look a day over 64 attacked her 60 year old mother Sheryl Claffy with a vibrator aka a personal massager. I love that stores can just sell vibrators knowing good and damn well that thing will never be applied anywhere above the waist. But I digress.

Joy...and pain!

The mother Sheryl was watching TV, let's assume Murder She Wrote, when she and her daughter got into an argument. Her daughter I imagine looked around the house for something good enough to whack her mama in the head with. Me, I have lots of stuff. A hammer, an iron, Voltron, my own penis, plenty of things. But Cara decided that a vibrator was perfectly fine for this situation. She said that after her daughter bonked her she felt blood coming down her head and ran out of the house to call for help.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Dude, What The F**k?! 6

Everyone’s got a pet peeve. For me its people coughing and/or sneezing without covering their faces and spitting. For a lot of women its when guys leave toilet seats up and they fall in and I hear about it later and laugh because I'm a dick. My mother used to slam the lid down in the middle of the night but its like, come on. There were five men in the house. What do you expect? In North Dakota a 23 year old chick named Cynthia Morgan shared her displeasure with her 24 year old brother Thaddeus Morgan.

Apparently he has a habit of leaving toilet seats up and when she told him to cut that out he got mad and started roughing her up. He decided that the best way to respond to his sister getting mad because he can't take a piss and put the lid back down was to push her down, breaking her glasses. She called the cops which I totally agree with because I don't trust men with dreads. I'm not sure why. Its just a weird thing about me.

Fives Things I Learned To Be Happy About In 35 Years

Today I have managed to survive 35 years on this planet. I was gonna write something about how the human body changes and is renewed every seven years like we're some kinda crazy ass human snake hybrids but it turns out that that isn't exactly true and I'm not gonna waste a moment of these 35 years trying to figure out exactly what it means. I'd rather stare in the mirror willing my facial hair to grow faster.

In these Fives Things I Learned To Be Happy About In 35 Years I'm gonna touch on a few personal things. Its not gonna have shit to do with former girlfriends, my penis, or jobs I've had. I have covered that stuff in great deal in previous blogs already. I'm 35 and too old to be talking about my penis anyway. No one's every said “Give me some of that decades old dick!” It'd be cool if they did though because, well, I have one. My penis is old enough to run for President! Okay. Enough of that.

Women Don't Fight Fair 5

Oh, boy. This one here. I still don't understand why when people want someone killed they use outside help. Most times its an undercover cop or the person you have asked to kill someone is gonna turn you in to the law even if you offer sex. Regular sex is never a good tradeoff when there is a possibility of prison sex. The more you know. Jessica Strom, 33, from Wisconsin (don't ya know!) asked a pilot, who are known for their mad assassination skills, to kill her fiance.

Maybe I'm cynical but this doesn't shock me.

To entice him she offered him $1000 and sex. I could understand if this was to paint her house or drive her across country maybe. But not murder. This mother of three but I am guessing none are with her 49 year old man John Schellpfeffer asked the pilot who is an old classmate of his to kill him. She even supplied a map of his job and the routine of the neighbors. Jessica told him that he could “blow his brains out and walk out.” What a delicate flower this one is. They set up a meeting in person where she asked him if he would ever kill someone. He told her no and instead of just nodding and enjoying being out of the house she kept pushing it by asking what it would take for him to do it.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Folks Still Read: A Highly Unlikely Scenario Book Review

Its kinda hard to actually describe what this book A Highly Unlikely Scenario Or A Neetsa Pizza Employee's Guide To Saving The World. This was written by Rachel Cantor and I would say its a science fiction/comedy. It is a good story with a very bright cover that if you were in a book store you'd at the very least pick it up to see what its about. But even after reading the description on the back you'll still go “...the hell?”

The world that this story takes place in was hard for me to grasp completely. It wasn't until halfway through the book I stopped trying to imagine the strange foods and clothes that everyone was wearing. Cantor is very descriptive with her writing but at some points its a bit too much. The Brazen Head (a crazy form of Google it seems) was particularly hard for me to picture. Everyone wears crazy ass clothes and weird hair and that didn't help. When I read I always put an actor as the main character or just give up and make a new human being. With this I couldn't do that.

Kids These Days 34

Every once in a while I will see a news story and pause thinking that I am just not reading it right. Like, it can't say what it looks like it says because if it does that means that I'm not building my spaceship fast enough to get the fuck off of this planet. There's this kid, 18, who goes by the name VersacePockets who has been banned from Vine because of his fuckery.

He was dared to have sex with a Hot Pocket and decided that he would. On the video you can see his face perfectly well even though he wants to remain anonymous. He has had the sex with other food but his antics with Hot Pockets got his ass blocked by that company's Twitter page as well as Twitter and Vine. “I just thought it was so fuckin' funny” he said in an interview on First We Feast. Thank god this shit didn't exist while I was growing up.

He took the tag line literally.

“I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot. I put it in the fridge for a little bit and I was like, 'Dude, I'm gonna have to use a condom if I'm gonna actually stick my dick in the whole Hot Pocket.'” The worst part about this crap is that he works around food. I personally don't want to know that the kid making my food spends his free time fucking it and posting videos and pictures of it.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Dante Vs. Nature 37

In Arizona there are packs of wild ass chihuahuas taking the place and holding it hostage! They say its because the dogs aren't spayed or neutered so they just run around having crazy chihuahua sex and the next thing you know its not safe to take the trash out without being attacked by a bunch of yapping ass dogs that offer no protection from actual dangerous animals.

"What you say 'bout my mama...?"

“We compared the number of calls we got in 2013 from that area to similar areas in town and the calls from Maryvale were three times higher than surrounding areas. Part of it is these animals aren’t spayed or neutered, so they’re out looking for a mate and are having babies, which also contributes to the problem. If at all possible, if you see a stray, if you can safely contain him in your yard and then call us, that makes a big difference” Melissa Gable of Maricopa County Animal Care and Control said.