Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Dante Shows The Ladies How To Handle Texting Men

I talk to a lot of women. No, not like that. Not like that at all. Perhaps 85% of contact I have with people is woman contact. That sounds far sexier than the reality of the situation. One of the things I have noticed is that like most humans they communicate primarily through text messaging. Inevitably, while talking to men things get lost in translation and the next thing you know dick pics are sent, people are confused, arrests are made. Its a whole thing that could've been avoided if I was involved.

So I am gonna try and save you ladies a lot of uncomfortable situation by showing what you write to guys and what they see. It has been said that men and women speak a different language. I don't think this is true. There are just people who say what they really feel and some that are afraid of hurting people's feelings. Fuck their feelings. Embrace your inner robot. We live in the future!

Five Things I Learned In 2013...Kinda

It is the end of another year and I have managed to live. Not only have I lived but I learned a few more things about myself and humanity in general. 2013 was a year that flew by at the end but the beginning was very slow. I enjoyed the beginning of this year. The middle got ridiculous as hell and this ending is managing to cram in as much nonsense as possible. This isn't going to be a Five Things I Learned as much as it is a Five Things I Learned To Do/Don't Do. Ha. Do-do. I have enlisted the help of Bad Ass Mofo Steve Buscemi to help me with this.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Dante Self Publishes (FINALLY!)

For years my friends have been saying that I need to publish my stories. For years I've been posting them on this site and on my Facebook page and then moving on to the next one. I have finally started publishing some of them for sale with the help of Kiyoshi who has also self-published his story The Death Of Death which I have reviewed with more to come in the future. It'd be awesome if you considered buying one or more of them. They are available in many formats including print. Thanks for checking them out!

- Dante

Lady Bug

“In 1985 every street in Los Angeles had a witch house. The house that no one visits. The house where unspeakable horrors are committed. The house where one elderly old woman named Miss May but known as The Bug Lady uses her power to murder in the name of her God. 12 year old Latoya and her 7 year old brother Ronald are forced to fight the creature that hides under the bed that they were told never existed. But it does. And its very...very evil.”

The Enabler

“Have you ever wanted to learn to dance? Lose those extra pounds? How about get that promotion you've always wanted? Perhaps you've wanted to know what it feels like to kill a man. Sleep with someone other than your spouse. If you have then you should contact Cyrus Tatum. He is known as many things. An accomplish to murder. Chauvinist. A man who has ruined lives. He prefers The Enabler.”

Morbid Curiosity

“Have you ever wondered what happens to you after you have died? Do you ever crave the comfort of knowing that the souls of your loved ones is at rest? If you do then perhaps you should never hire Steven Bowes. Known for his ability to cleanse a house of evil spirits for years, Bowes would rather stay home and drown his annoyance with all things dead with alcohol. While he cant assure you that they are in a better place, he can make sure that you will have a proper nights rest. But what happens when Steven is not allowed to rest in peace?”

Click for “Lady Bug” Smashwords and Amazon and paperback.

Click for “The Enabler” on Smashwords and Amazon.

Click for “Morbid Curiosity” on Smashwords and Amazon.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Rosscast Best Of Spectacular Super Championship Edition Turbo

In this episode before my last Rosscast I went through a bunch of episodes and pulled some of my favorite moments. Surprisingly, many of them were nasty. I think I may be using the word “surprisingly” wrong. Anyhoot, thanks for sticking around for the next hour of complete nonsense presented by me, your savior. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Best Christmas Gifts Of Dante's Childhood

I was looking through my blogs for Christmas things I had written about and discovered that my negative ass had never made a list of toys that were my favorite as a kid. I had done one of the worst toys (click here to read that) but not the things I got that made me dance like an idiot when I opened them.

It took me a minute to figure out which ones to choose since there were a bunch. With these I am going based on the shock factor involved and how much excitement I had after getting it. Like, I can't use when I got a Nintendo as a choice since that required so much pain with dealing with getting a crumby ass Sega first. So allow me to present to you Best Christmas Gifts Of Dante's Childhood!

Shit Just Got Real 11

You ever send a letter to someone or a voice mail and realized way too late that you couldn't take it back? Well, today you can do this but instead of the one person you meant to send it to and their friend they most definitely showed your ramblings to thousands if not millions of people can witness your mistake. With things like Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram you can post something and have people you don't know and will never meet, like me, see the kinda bullshit you post.

A PR specialist, which as you keep reading will become far too damned ironic, named Justine Sacco was fired after posting a Tweet. “Going to Africa. Hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. I'm white!” She worked at InterActive Corp., a company that also owns Match.com, Dictionary.com, and Vimeo which are all huge companies to work for. She ended up posting an apology after she realized how big a shit storm she'd caused. Of course she's deleted her account since then.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Bitching

I'm totally into interjecting. I jump into shit that doesn't really concern me a lot of times. Cosmo online has managed to piss me off a bunch of times. I think its because they cram a lot of stuff into a small amount of space as if they are using like, for real's paper. Its the internet. We have so much space!

A hot ass chick I know posted this and I had to write something about it. I think she did it knowing that it would enrage me. I have taken what was written and will be adding my little bit afterward. They have it set up like porn star comment, and then real woman comment. Then of course there will be the Dante comment because I am a man of the people, champion of the galaxy, and cunning linguist. See. What. I. Did. There?!

Friday, December 20, 2013

Shit Just Got Real 10

Heather sent me this story where there is video showing a bus robbery taking place. Well, it kinda sorta did. On a Seattle Metro bus 19 year old Trevonnte Brown (these names, these names...) put on a nylon mask because he must've just watched a film about crimes in the 1960's and decided that it would be a great idea to start stealing shit from people.

So here he is with his gun and walking up to passengers snatching their cell phones from them. What bothers me besides the fact that a person needs only one phone, two at most so there's no need to be taking so many, is that people are fucking oblivious to what is happening around them. I have never been surprised by something happening suddenly on the bus because I get into full meerkat mode when I'm on it. Nothing is getting past me unnoticed!

I see you, bitch!

Everyone is just like “Oh, la la la! I'm on the bus and its just me there is no one else in the world but me and who I am talking to on the phone!” Asshats. So he is just walking down the aisle and taking shit. And since there is sound I know that people were fine with having their shit taken because no one was like “This muthafucka is phone snatchin'!” Nope. They jut laid there and took it like dirty, dirty whores. Oh, you like that, don't you? Yeah. Just take it.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Parents Failing Hard 9

I'm all about parents sticking up for their kids. I am. But some parents take that shit to a whole 'nother level and its just not good for anyone. Teri Pallat, 39, of Iowa has a teen son who was being bullied and says that the school was doing nothing to stop it. That's not shocking. Schools tend to not really pay attention to shit like that. What is shocking is the Facebook post she placed stating things like her son would “shoot up” the school and “only get the ones that caused this. He is an excellent marks men.” If she is convicted she can get 5 years in prison for the terrorist threat and 2 for the harassment.

She also went on to write “And they asked why do people shoot up schools well this is exactly why and when our son does it cause I know he will they have nobody to Blame but the administration and I promise everyone he will only get the ones that caused this.” She ended up being charged with harassment and making terrorists threats. She ended up posting $10,000 bail.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Dante Saves You: Karate Kid Edition

Years ago me and Kiyoshi used to say that one of our random fantasies was to go to a school where kids were learning karate and just waste the whole place. Yes, its very immature but that's nothing compared to the things I wish I could do but shall never mention on this blog. Most involve me superkicking strangers or sleeper holds.

Reason #3 why I'm banned from church.

I have compiled a list of different kids in karate films (not to be confused with the ninja one I wrote before and if you are running around confusing ninjas and karate experts then its pretty much almost too late to be trying to save you but I am a hero of the world and a national treasure so I'll continue). So remember to stretch and start punching bags of rice in preparation for Dante Saves You: Karate Kid Edition.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Kids These Days 28

Kids are terrible. Take for instance this 11 year old that went bonkers on his grandmother in Ohio when she refused to get him a gift. Specifically he punched her in the nose. So while shopping for a gift apparently granny told a kid no and because kids don't know what that word means anymore he went off and wailed her in the face. His grandma was 60 year old Barbara Weeks. Sorry. Is 60 year old Barbara Weeks. The kid didn't hit her hard enough to, like, end her life or anything.

A witness called the cops as granny got away from the kid as he tried to hit her again. The kid was arrested, name not given because fuck warning the rest of society, and her was taken to a juvenile detention center. There is no report on what the gift was he couldn't get but I'll take a guess that it was an expensive ass video game. That's all kids want nowadays because sunlight and that whole sweating thing hurts them.

Rosscast Episode 299: The End Of An Error

In this episode I take some of my favorite moments with past guests including Josh Smith, Alex Hluch, Big Daddy Donnie, Dan-e-o, Brian, Quinno, Rico Montana, Kiyoshi, and of course Camille. This is a bunch of random clips that still make me smile and I'm glad that they are recorded because every time I hear them I laugh. Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows.  

Saturday, December 14, 2013

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 7

I hate going first. The only time its okay is during an orgy or car crash. Otherwise you are forced to suffer or see a bunch of crap that you don't wanna see. Mr. W. Scott is standing there waiting for me to get up and walk to the center of the Shame Circle. Sad Sack won't even make eye contact with me. Boobs does and I taste the last thing I ate earlier again. I can hear Beef sniffling behind me. I look to the right a few seats over and Softy is sitting there staring at her father like she is trying to make him burst into flames.

I consider saying how shy I am about public speaking and then I hear Beef blow his nose into his sleeve and think better of it. I clear my throat and walk to the center. Mr. W. Scott steps aside as I pull the microphone closer to my lips. I wait for Mr. W. Scott to go sit down somewhere but he doesn't. He just stands there waiting for me to start.

“Hello” I say. No one responds. Rude, much? “My name is Alan Thompson and I'm kind of a big deal.” Silence. “How am I supposed to start this?”

“Start with when you first became the pathetic mess that stands before me darkening my soul with each moment you are allowed to exist” Mr. W. Scott says.

“I had my first drink when I was--”


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Dante Vs Nature 31

Look! Up in the sky! Its a bird! Its a plane! No! Its thousands of goddamn bats! Run! This is some bullshit, man. But since this is in Australia when they have a problem they don't just get rid of it. The fucking destroy it! In a place called Lissner Park they used two helicopters, smoke machines, water cannons, lawnmowers, paintball guns, and...wait for it...fireworks to get rid of a bat problem. People got together to watch this shit go down and of course there were protesters because fuck logic.

Wildlife conservationists showed up to make sure things went okay during the bat removal. They ended up getting into it with an executive officer because they wouldn't let them help an injured bat. Everyone! Listen to me! I have great news! There is nothing else wrong with the world! When we are at the point as human beings where you will get confrontational over a damned bat being hurt, then something is either very wrong or very right with the world.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Kids These Days 27

Kids are stupid. This is another case of social media being used when back when I was a kid if something like this ever happened the only people that would know about it is you and whoever you told. I'm sure by now you have all heard about actor Paul Walker dying in a car crash last week. If you didn't know that then I'm sorry you found out because of this blog. Also, he is the White dude in the Fast & Furious movies. So he died and hours after the crash what was left of the car was being transported away a piece of it was stolen. Enter 18 year old Jameson Witty.

A witness saw the tow truck carrying the wrecked Porsche stopped at a light. At this point Witty decides “Logic and respect for the law and death is for pussies!” and steals a roof panel and hopped back into his friends car. So he goes on Twitter and says “Piece of Paul walkers car, took it off a tow truck at a stop light. ... I got it for my buddy who was driving the car we were in, so that he could always pay respect to the guy that got him into cars.” A second suspect, likely the driver, has been identified as well. Charges of felony grand theft and tampering with evidence are being talked about.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 6

It's lunch time and everyone is starting to fall apart. Not me. Aside from my hands shaking uncontrollably when they choose to I'm still my happy self. Sad Sack is still upset at Mr. W. Scott for telling him about the bounced check. I tried to explain to him that this place isn't free and he flipped my bed over.

With me in it.

I started talking about Black Rage and he left the room. I didn't even get to tell him about Softy and how her dad runs this place. I need to figure out why she's even here. Maybe she's a spy. I bet she is. Damn it! I knew something was wrong with this place! Man, it's as hot as a crotch in here!

“Are you hot?” I ask Happy Hands which turns out to be a bad move on my part. His tongue darts in and out of his mouth about two dozen times in a couple of seconds and he locks eyes with me. I start to turn away but he places his hand on my shoulder and I am forced to face him.

“I'm always hot” he whispers.

“Where's you other hand?” I ask. He just smiles and I bolt. I see Boobs sitting with two guys and decide that it would be responsible of me, you know socially, to leave her alone. Honestly, its the fact that she is smiling and her smile looks like it could dent steel. Its Africa hot in this place. I wipe my brow and my hand is covered in sweat. “What the hell is going on?”

Delirium tremens” Mr. W. Scott says from behind me. “I'll be keeping a close eye on you, Mr. Thompson.”

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Orgasm Advice

Goddamn you, Cosmo. I don't know how I always end up finding these damned articles from them and then getting mad at what is written. I found one talking about female orgasms. It is this chick bitching about guy's having orgasms and women not. I'm all for women getting their rocks off. I'm a huge fan of women having orgasms. But the stuff that is described in this article bugs me.

“The female orgasm whether clitoral or vaginal is elusive, and frequently unattainable during sex if the woman’s not feeling it. Or feeling too much of something in one place and not enough in another place, or hearing your iPhone chirp with seven new text messages, or wondering if the cat is about to jump up onto the bed and swat at the guy's balls.”

First off, if you don't wanna fuck don't fuck. You don't have to let some dude climb on top of you if you don't want. If you aren't in the mood to get some you just aren't. As for all that other stuff? Turn off your phone when you're fucking. If I am fucking someone and they answer the phone, the night (date) is over. No call is that important. I don't care of your mother is dying. Maybe you shouldn't be fucking if your mom is dying. Ever think of that?!

Monday, December 2, 2013

"50 Stripes Of Gray" Part 4 of 5

The next morning Gary stood in the doorway of the bathroom waiting for Delvin to awaken. He had been up for two hours and was far too excited at the idea of meeting a pornstar in real life. Sure, he wouldn't be the one having sex with her but living vicariously through his far more adventurous friends was how he has stayed disease free.

Delvin finally slowly opened his bedroom door and shuffled to the bathroom, ignoring Gary. Gary smiled and tipped his cup of coffee to him. Delvin pulled out his member and attempted to urinate.

Not so fast!

“Wow” Gary said. “That looks painful. Good thing I'm coming with you for moral support. Then maybe she can give you some oral support. See what I did there?!” Gary high-fives himself spilling coffee all over his arm. “Shit fuck cunt bitch!”

“You're not coming” Delvin hisses while attempting to squeeze a drop out. “You'll just embarrass yourself.”

“You're just afraid she'll ignore you once she sees my dick” Gary says, licking coffee from his forearm.

“Why would she even see yours?”

Saturday, November 30, 2013

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 5

After Sad Sack finishes crying, thanking me for saving him, and then threatening to kill me if the check I give him bounces he finishes doing his pushups. I'm not a fan of sweat so I head down the hall to see if I can meet some new friends. Boobs has her door closed but the sounds coming out of her room prove that she isn't alone. Either she is having sex or a gorilla got into this facility and is attacking her. Either way I keep moving.

I get to a room at the end of the hall and hear music playing. Mr. W. Scott wouldn't be happy about this. I step into the doorway and this chick is sitting on the bed with her legs crossed. She's got on tight blue jeans and a black t-shirt. She has her back to me and her ass crack is hanging out which is driving me crazy.

“What?” she says without even turning to face me. Rude.

“Hello, Softy” I reply to her. “You know, with this smooth music playing, you meditating, and the nice lighting in here some would think that you were expecting a date. Well...” I say while hitching my pants up “...here I am.” She scoffs at me. So rude!

She finally turns to face me and perhaps calling her Softy was a bad idea. She has a look in her eyes that I have seen only once before. No. Twice. In Mr. W. Scott and Joseph Stalin. My hands start shaking so I put them in my pockets which is a bad move because now it looks like I am fiddling with myself.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Kids These Days 26

This story pissed me off and not just because the teacher involved is really cute. In Tennessee, which is apparently upset that Florida and Texas are beating it in terms of overall crazy, a high school teacher had her hair and shirt set on fire by a student in her class. The teacher, Gabriela Penalba (23), was in her class in Knoxville when some 15 year old future felon got a wild hair up his ass and decided it would be an awesome idea to set fire to another human being.

While in class she made the mistake of turning her back on today's youth and this kid used a light to set her ablaze. Other students in the class put the fire out quickly so she wasn't hurt...physically. But mentally I'd be a fucking disaster! This isn't someone who had fire put to them because they were rescuing someone from a burning building or a car accident. She turned her back to her class and this asshole set her on fire.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Rosscast Episode 298: Aliens Or Zombies?!

In this episode I talk about whether I would rather have to face a zombie or alien apocalypse and then answer a bunch of random personal questions I found online. You may learn something new about me today! Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows. Also check out me and Cam's blog where I posted a new story she did when she was a wee bairn by clicking here! Enjoy!

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 4

The first night sounds like a scene out of Schindler’s List. Lots of moaning and weeping. Every half hour you hear someone throw themselves against their door. Yeah. They lock us down at night. Mr. W. Scott didn't tell us this until after dinner which caused an uproar until he looked up from his clipboard. Mouths shut faster than a first day inmates ass.

Where do I get this stuff from?

Sad Sack cant sleep so he is just lying on his bed punching his palm. He's been doing it for hours. I cant sleep with what sounds like hard, rhythmic masturbation. I stretch on my bed and yawn which is the universal signal for wanting to sleep and I hear bed springs. Sad Sack jumps from his bed and gets in my face.

“Told you we'd fall in love” I tell him. He just breathes in my face. He smells like cocoa butter. That's not racist. He uses the stuff.

“Can you shut the fuck up while I'm trying to sleep?!” he hisses in my face. I am so tempted to kiss him on the tip of his nose. Instead I just poke him on it.

“Boop.” He growls and lays back down.

“I need to break some shit.”

Or...you could sleep” I suggest.

No Black Friday

Black Friday. Ugh. This is something that happens hopefully only in America where stores have huge deals and everyone goes there and starts fighting each other for stuff they can buy any other time of the year for a little bit more. Whenever I hear the word Black Friday I think “Jesus, that is racist!” And then I think “Why would anyone put themselves through this?” Putting your life in danger to buy stuff just doesn't seem all that important to me. Yes, your life is in danger when you do this.

By late tomorrow night there will be a story or two...or three about someone that has been beaten, attacked, or killed while shopping. Now, I know there are people out there that hate the news because they think it glorifies things that actually aren't that big a deal. This is true. But the fact that even one of these incidences happens is one too many. Remember that lady who was fed up at Walmart and started pepper spraying folks? Or those guys that fought for fifteen minutes over some panties for their wives at Victoria's Secret? This shit happened.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

"Enmity" by Dante Ross

"No! You said that you never wanted a kid! We both said it! When did you change your mind? And why now of all the damn times to do it?" Rick screamed at Lisa. He rarely ever raised his voice, even at football games. She was pinned against the wall with nowhere else to go. She cringed as he growled in her face, his breath hot and full of rage.

"I don't know, okay?" she shouted. "I just felt like it wouldn't be right to get an abortion! I felt it kick, alright?" Rick would not back up. Lisa waited for the blow. Rick had never raised her hand in anger at her. She had never believed that he was even capable of thinking a violent thought letting alone acting out in it. She no longer believed this to be true. "Just back off, okay, Rick? Just back off."

"No" Rick hissed. "I can't believe you would do this to me!"

"I didn't get pregnant on my own, you know? Alright?" Lisa said. She tried to move away. Get some space between her and Rick. He slammed his fist into the wall next to her face, putting a hole it.

"I know you didn't!" Rick shouted in her face. He was so close that his nose was touching her forehead. "Is it mine?" he asked. Lisa's eyes grew wide filling with tears. "Don't you dare cry!" Rick pounded his fist into the wall. Plaster raining down into Lisa's hair. "You don't get to cry! Weren't you on the pill?"

"Maybe" she said. "I don't know." She wiped the plaster from her hair and tried to hug Rick. He shoved her arms away and pinned them to the wall.

"You have to take care of this" he said. "I don't even care how. Just…do it." Rick let out a heavy sigh, blowing Lisa's hair back. "I'm going out" he said as he walked out of the living room.

Lisa slid down the wall until she was cradling her knees. She looked at the phone and reached for it from across the room. The handle of the phone shifted slightly. She pulled her hand back and bit into her knuckles hard enough to draw blood. She slowly rocked back and forth. She did not want a child but also did not want to destroy it. She knew what would happen if she gave birth. But still she could not force herself to do what she knew had to be done. Lisa stood and wiped her bloody knuckles on her shirt. 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Shit Just Got Real 9

There are so many times in life where someone does something wrong and then someone responds in an even wronger way and then the next thing you know all hell breaks loose. How can something turn from a traffic stop to a mother with a minivan full of kids being shot at and the mother and her 14 year old son under investigation? Easily apparently.

The mother Orianna Ferrell got into it with a state officer in New Mexico after she was pulled over for speeding. She was doing 71 in a 55 mph zone. The cop told her “I'll be right back, go ahead and turn the vehicle off for me.” So when the cop heads back to his vehicle she decided “Ain't nobody got time for that!” and sped off. Why? I don't know yet. But it was a bad idea. So he catches up to her again and starts yelling at her ass. “Get out of the vehicle! Get out of the vehicle right now!”

At this point the cop is over her bullshit and tries to yank her out the car. Now, you can say he is wrong for this but as a fan of equality they would've yanked a grown ass man out the car as well. Her 14 year old son decides its time to save the day until the cop pulls a taser out.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

"50 Stripes Of Gray" Part 3 of 5

Gary stared at Delvin not sure whether he should attack him or not. He walked over to his bed and immediately stood back up. Delvin's penis shook, not knowing what was going to transpire. Gary took a few deep breaths before finally sitting directly in front of Delvin on the floor with his legs crossed.

“So...you fainted?” Gary asked. Delvin nodded. “Why did you faint, if I may ask?”

“She started talking about small dicks or something and I think she made a move for me...”

“Wait wait wait wait” Gary said while waving his hands. “She touched your dick?”

“No” Delvin sighed. “I mean...she would have if I hadn't fainted. That's her job. To check out dicks that are sick. But she started saying things and the next thing I know I'm in a gown with an IV in my arm. It all happened so fast.”

Rosscast Episode 297: I'm A Bad Bitch

In this episode I talk about my nice weekend, hating the system, a sad Chinese man cutting his junk off, a Florida woman slapping a guy for using his cell phone during a movie, a woman playing a tambourine so hard that she had her ass pepper sprayed and tasered, and my random dislike for certain instruments. Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Monday, November 18, 2013

Dante Vs Nature 30

If you hate spiders, stop reading this right now. I don't hate them. I think they are freaks but I don't hate them. They look cool. Have eight arms for no goddamn reason. They shit stuff that traps food and makes us look crazy when we walk into it. Freaks. But lots of people are afraid of them. Throughout this post I'll show various images of cute animals to try and soothe your nerves. Seriously. Stop reading this if you hate spiders!

Parents Failing Hard 8

This was this missing woman in the news. She, Iya Sloan, had went to a club and after 1am left and the next thing you know she's missing. People were worried because she has two 5 year old twins and from what her family and friends say, she isn't the type of person to just vanish. I wish I was. It'd be cool if I had friends that said “Oh, I haven't heard from Dante in weeks. He must've vanished...again.” But sadly you all are stuck with me for at least a few more years.

This story has a happy ending though depending on what happens next. She was found safe and sound...in Las Vegas. How original. I wonder what possible excuse she could have for abandoning her kids this way. I can take a guess: Dick. She met some dude and wanted to get laid. Or she is tired of her kids and life. When I hear about some people with kids lives I want to run myself. Its like, you come home and they are there. On weekends. You gotta feed 'em. Damn. Its so much. But still. She's an asshole for leaving them like that.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

"50 Stripes Of Gray" Part 2 of 5

Gary stood in the doorway with his arms folded. Delvin sighed and waited for it to happen. If his penis had arms he's sure they would be crossed as well. Gary shook his head and closed the bathroom door. After close to ten minutes he managed to squeeze three drops out before giving up. He shuffled into the living room also known as Gary's room and sat on the couch...also known as Gary's bed.

“Don't let your poisoned stick touch my bed” Gary said while sipping coffee. Delvin checked his boxers to insure that his penis was indeed where it should be.

“Is there any more coffee left?” Delvin asked.

“Yeah” Gary replied. “But you're not getting any.”

“Why not?”

Kids These Days 25

My brother brought it to my attention that kids nowadays are even bigger pussies than I thought. Yeah. I'm talking to you, Erik with a K. You wuss. There are reports that kids are ending up in the hospital because of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. New Mexico, Illinois, and even fucking California schools are trying to ban what is one of the best snacks ever created. Why? Because they say it lacks nutritional value. Love doesn't either! You gonna try and ban that, too?!

They (meaning ze Nazis) say that this delicious treat that likely tastes the same as God's fingertips also creates a response in your brain box similar to illicit substances. Um, and this is being banned why?! The reason why kids are running to the hospital is because they are eating so many of these things that their shit is turning red and they think that they are shitting blood.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Rosscast Episode 296: I Knew You Were Trouble

In this episode I talk about my low sense of self, a drunk girl mistaken a cheeseburger for a shoe (the least of her problems this night), chivalry being dead, and a Missed Connections as read by Bane, Pretty Ricky, and Buffalo Bill. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Rosscast Episode 295: And Now For Something Completely Different

In this bootleg ass episode run off my small laptop I talk about waking up too early, cell phones, my busted laptop, a janky ass Florida car jacking story, and a hazing where a guy lost ones of his nuts. Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Five Things I Learned Not Owning A Cell Phone

At the ripe age of 34 (my best friend says that if I am not married by next year I am legally a bachelor) I still do not own a cell phone. This is not because I can't afford one or once had one and lost it. I’ve just never owned one. This is not some kinda accident. This is a lifestyle choice that I’ve made to insure that I live a particular kind of life. A life where I pay attention to who I am with and what I’m doing.

I am the only person that I know that does not have a cell phone. This isn’t just to be different. If I wanted to be different I’d have a cell phone but an old school one with a briefcase that weighed 20lbs. and was guaranteed to give me cancer while the ones you all use are just likely to. I decided to write this Five Things I Learned Not Owning A Cell Phone to finally stop people from asking why I don’t have one and to see the benefits of not owning one.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Shit Just Got Real 8

As humans we do stupid things that we hope no one saw. Back when I was little I did things that would have been Youtube sensation if it was caught on tape meaning my life would be ruined and I would not be the same guy you all know right now. The internet has changed the way a lot of people are handled when they fuck up in life. Take Michigan chick Alicia Ann Lynch. Please. Take her somewhere far from Earth.
She decided that it would be fun to come to work for Halloween dressed as a victim of the Boston marathon bombing. Now, depending on your levels of fucked up in your head you may think this is funny or even clever. You may even think that this is a “too soon” situation. Me, I think this is someone who had one of those horrible ideas and followed through with it. None of us are above them. See an old lady crossing the street too slowly and you imagine running her ass down making you Dodge earn its name. Someone talking too loudly on their cell phone and you want to throw it into traffic...after you through them.
But this?

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Rosscast Episode 294: Bad At Sexy

In this episode I talk about my place being remodeled, strange old Asian men trying to give me fake checks, birds being tossed at cops, Kids These Days with a well armed child, and I attempt to make some very gross news sound sexy and fail miserably at it. Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Friday, November 1, 2013

Kids These Days 24

Meet Sergio Irey. He is 21. yes, I know this is Kids These Days but this dude is a child in my book. When you are what is legally a grown ass man and you get scared of your mother Ricio Irey because she slaps you a couple of times you are a fucking kid.

Serigio was chilling at home, you know, just being a general loafer when his mom got pissed at him because he was sassing her. She slapped him twice and he freaked out and called the cops or as how the police report explained it “became scared of her and didn’t know what else to do.” How about move? Get your own place? Apologize for being a jackass? Do something with your life? I don't know. I'm just throwing ideas out there.

Monday, October 28, 2013

My New Kitchen

Last week I got my kitchen redone. Before that I got my bathroom done because, seriously, my bathroom looked like hell. I hated if someone had to use my shower which happens like once every two years. I got the pervert window fixed and everything is groovy. So now came the kitchen. This nonsense dragged on for almost two weeks and involved so much bullshit happening. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

It started with a leak in my neighbors kitchen. That led to a hole being knocked in my wall under my sink. That led to my landlord offering to repair the whole thing which was awesome because I love how huge my kitchen is but the floor was shit and the counter was ridiculous. Even when it was clean it looked dirty. So the workers were supposed to come on a Monday so I gutted my kitchen. Emptied the cabinets, shelves, everything. My kitchen looked like hell.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

"Scar Tissue" by Dante Ross

“You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.” - Julie de Lespinasse

Jock watched from his window as the car slowly drove by for the fifth time in an hour. He was not a suspicious man by nature but this was more than a coincidence to him. He placed his small handgun on his lap and let the curtain fall back into place. Wiping the sweat from his brow he stared at the glass of untouched vodka and ice that sat on the coffee table in front of him.

“You okay?” his twin sister Haley asked him from the living room doorway. Jock forced a small smile and nodded to her. Though they were twins Jock and Haley never formed the bond that most twins had throughout their formative years. This is due to the fact that Jock was kidnapped at the age of 3 and returned to the family at the age of 18. He was now 20.

“I’m fine, Haley” Jock said as he forced another smile on his face. “Its just…” he began before trailing off. Jock had a hard time speaking to anyone, including his sister. “There’s this car that keeps…I don’t know. It keeps going by.”

“So you have a gun?” she asked. “Have they stopped in front of the house?” Haley worried about Jock. It took her a while to get used to calling him by that name. He was born Howard but whoever it was that kidnapped him called him “Jock” and it is the only name he answers to. “I earned to keep this name” he told police when they found him wandering the streets of downtown Los Angeles wearing nothing but boxer briefs and covered in blood holding a steak knife. 

She worried about her brother and tried her best to allow him to open up in his own time. As a student at UCLA studying to become a child psychologist she fought hard to not look at him as a patient and more like her brother. “Its getting late. You going to sleep soon?” Jock placed the gun on the table next to the glass of vodka and stood.

“Yeah?” he said. It sounded more like a question than an affirmation of the fact that he intended to sleep. He stretched his arms and splayed his fingers. Jock and Hazel, while twins, looked like complete opposites of one another. Haley was just a hair over five feet tall and weighed 105lbs. on a bad day. Her black hair kept short and her thick black framed glasses which hid her green eyes and seemed to always slide until they reached the tip of her nose. Jock on the other hand stood six foot three and weighed close to 260lbs. He too had black hair but shaved it very close to his scalp. His eyes were small and a metallic grey. “Do you miss your parents?” he asked Haley.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Old School Cereals

Cam sent me this Yahoo article about these old cereals that they wish would come back. Now, my parents will never win an award for best parent of the year, but they were good at getting cereal that was full of sugar that lasted for a few months or until the movie came out or the cartoon was canceled. The sad thing is that I've eaten every one of these cereals on the list.

I've decided that I'll show all the ones they've listed and give my take on whether or not they need to be brought back because they're a few that tasted like complete ass. Let's begin!

Dunkin' Donuts

I can vaguely recollect this one but as soon as I saw the box I thought “Oh, I remember this!” What I remember mostly is that they were hard and that there is absolutely nothing Dunkin' Donuts anywhere near me. Should they bring it back? Not really. Particularly because I cant even tell you if it was good or not.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Perving On American Apparel Billboards

For about two years now I've been a fan of American Apparel's ad campaign. Its pretty much an image of a chick wearing leggings, a bathing suit, or socks and that's pretty much it. And I love them. They aren't super fancy looking or anything. Just a girl in a room and she appears to have been kidnapped.

Help her. Right? 

I really started paying attention to them after working in Burbank. After the hellish ride that included two buses there or three buses and a train coming home the best thing I had to look forward to was this billboard near Hollywood Blvd. that was nothing but multiple images of this one chick. I tried finding the image online for a while and actually managed to find it the other day. She is just wearing white socks, a white bra, and white draws.

Five Things I Learned People Assume About Me

I'm a misunderstood man. Have been my entire life. This doesn't mean that I'm deep or anything because I'm not. I'm a simple guy when you really think about it. If someone ever asks you “What is Dante like?” you can say “He either talks...or he doesn't.” See? But either way my entire life there have been a series of beliefs that people have had about me that are wrong and no matter what I say people will continue to believe them.

I've compiled a list of the Five Things I Learned People Assume About Me based on my looks, the way I talk, or when first meeting me. There are a few more but these five are the ones that I've encountered the most in this strange but plain life. I decided to use covers from previous Rosscast Shows for this.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Dante Saves You: Survival Edition

Adventures are nonsense. People are always trying to get me to go somewhere far and I don't wanna. I like being at home where I don't have to worry about things like animals, robots, or just the damned elements. Fuck the elements. Let's fuck the elements together in this Dante Saves You Survival Edition!

I am gonna teach you how to survive everything from planes, islands, water, cousin fuckin', and just good old fashioned bad decision making. This is not gonna be easy and a lot of you wont make it back. At least I'm honest...which is why I'll never go into politics. Yet. One day I will and you will all bow before me and my codpiece! Bwahahaha! Apologies. I got carried away. My magic codpiece does that to me.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Rosscast Episode 293: When Strippers Attack

In this episode I talk about my late brother for a moment, “family” reunions, Only In Florida with nasty old men in drive-thru's, Bitches Be Crazy with a stripper attacking folks, a Dude What the Fuck?! with a guy running from the law after going to McDonald's, and Missed Connections read by legendary blues performer Rufus Leroy Lemont Tigerwolfhound Perkins. Seriously. He's a big deal. Click here to download and listen to this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Kids These Days 23

Oh, kids are like bubblegum and crackers. Its a bad idea but people keep on doing it. One thing about kids these days is that they love technology. You take any form of a computer away from them and they will lose their shit. Take for instance this South Carolina 5' 2”, 125 pound 9 year old kid that flipped his top when a teacher took his iPad away during class.

Police showed up when after having his iPad taken this kid started stomping on his teachers foot. For some reason articles are posting that she is 26 years old. Damn. Teachers are young nowadays. She took his enraged ass into the hallway where he continued his Kirk Franklin impersonation. It took two teachers to restrain him until the police arrived. The teacher was left with a swollen foot and bruises. Two other kids were acting nuts but were able to be calmed. The stomper was not arrested and was released to his mom for her to deal with that bullshit.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Dante Vs Nature 29

Nature is an asshole. Seriously. I read about these crazy ass hornets in Asia, specifically China, that are just wrecking shop everywhere they go. Regular hornets suck. They build nests and start to attack you if you get too close to it. They're like those bad kids in that house up the street. Fuck them, too. Normal hornets are the size of a bee. Sometimes people go “Is that a bee or a hornet? Either way let's get out of here!”

Poke it with a stick and see if they buzz or hum. 

Not these Chinese hornets aka V Mandarinia. You see one of these and you'll probably think its not even real. “Am I in The Matrix?!” I'd probably scream before getting a few dozen new holes in my body. What's so bad about these, you ask? First off, they're the world's largest hornet and I'm just now finding out about them. The world's largest anything is bad. Burger. Tumor. Penis. All bad. Also, its venom is strong enough to melt human skin. They, meaning “science”, say dissolve but lets not split hairs. People can also die of kidney failure and anaphylactic shock. 

Monday, October 7, 2013

Dante Doesn't Bitch About Esquire Magazine

Scarlett Johansson is a gift. For years she has been around and not once have I ever looked at her and thought she was anything less than a present for humanity for all our years of sacrifice. Even when she was dating stinking old Ryan Reynolds I still couldn't get mad at her. Once again she has been named Esquire Magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive and again I cant disagree. This isn't like that time they made that stank ass Rihanna the sexiest one which made sense on absolutely no level. No. This time they got it right!

So right...

Last year Mila Kunis won and while she is still cute I wouldn't call her the sexiest woman alive. Especially now that she has that Macaulay Culkin (who she dated for nine years!) and Ashton Kutcher stank on her. For anyone that thinks that is immature allow me to reintroduce myself. Hi. My name is Dante and I love red draws on women. Mila will always look like a young girl even when she is 40. But Scarlett gets more womanly (surprisingly that is an actual word!). That leads me to another thing. Bodies.