Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 9

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

Holy shit. I'm a father.

As soon as I see these creatures appearing that is the first thought that runs through my mind. Yeah, I've thought it before but not like this. I thought it when that actress from that new show about jungle women from Brazil that kidnap women from the city and give them big asses but in reality the stuff that they were injecting was really just Kool-Aid thickened with hot dog water slid into my DM's. I thought “I'm a father...” but it was more of a sadness attached to it. This is nervousness.

This is actual panic.

My dad was a shitbird that left my mom and my loser brothers before I even developed powers. I ended up trying my best to not turn out like him. Once I had Milly I knew that things were gonna be different. Once she arrived hot and fresh with powers I knew it was gonna be really different. Before I had her and would hear people talk about having a kid and how it changes you I figured that they were full of shit like most people are. Now I am mad that they never stressed just how serious it is to have a kid. We don't parade Milly around and have her do appearances because I know what that was like growing up. My mom never forced me to. I choose it and wish I hadn't done it and would never do that to her. Just having those first few years of my life normal helped me because I remember what it was like to lose, get hurt, and bleed. I forgot those feelings until these assholes showed up. I want to train Milly to be a good superhero and hopes that she turns into a cool ass chick when she grows up. If I don't stop this today she won't get that chance.  

In movies and stuff when they fight aliens they look like us but slightly different. Like Mother Bird. She hot as hell but any Earth woman could dress up like her for a convention. The aliens will have two arms, two legs, a mouth, and compatible holes for which to have the sex fun times. These things barely have shape and some of them are dripping. Dripping! If I don't faint from shock I'm probably gonna puke and shit myself.

“What the fuck are those?” I ask Mother Bird pointing to her crew. She just smiles and I notice that her teeth are one solid piece like a doll. She has the idea of what teeth are supposed to look like. Wait a damn second. “That ain't really how you look is it?” She/him/it shakes its head. “You did research on me and built what you think I think the perfect woman would look like. I'd be flattered if that wasn't creepy as hell. I'm not saying you didn't do a good job because look at you. You hot as bacon grease. And what do you smell like?”

“You call them oranges” Mother Bird replies.

“You dirty bitch...” I hiss. I love the smell of oranges. Don't think I've forgotten the fact that this monster and its boy-things wanna blow my planet up and knocked my ass out cold for almost a week while my baby (I'm a father!) protected the planet. “Look. We all know how this is gonna end. You attack, I fight back, just when it seems like I've won you bring out some giant fucking monster or maybe even a robot, and when it seems that my planet is doomed I win.” Mother Bird looks at the other aliens. She looks back smiling at me with those stupid teeth.

“We do have what you would call a giant monster as well as a robot” she says.

“I knew it!”

“But to save time we have combined them together.”

“Shit.”

“Shall we show it to you?”

“Nah, I'm good” I say. I am stalling for time but have no idea why. I am fully aware that these things took me out once before and that I can't hope for my baby to protect the world if I'm knocked out again. I could go free my brother Dick but Ronica is already next level pissed at me about the whole dunking our baby in lava thing. I need a new super power. I got flight, strength, sonic scream, and hot hands. None of those are gonna stop all these things. I wonder exactly what it was that Milly did. I know she can scream her little butt off, float not fly, and apparently turn the party out with her skin. Seriously, what the fuck was that? What could possibly be the benefit of turning a bunch of different colors-oh my fucking dick balls.

“You mind if I go grab something?” I ask. They all look surprised. I mean, Mother Bird does, but the rest of them just float there looking gross. “It'll be two seconds.”

“Fine” she says. “What is a few seconds when your planet and everything on it will no longer exist shortly?”

“That's what I was thinking” I say. “Be right back.”

I zip back down and fly into the house. Kissyfur is playing full blast. Ronica has her fingers in her ears as Milly claps. Aimee is smiling at the TV. Zazz is asleep. Yeah. While I am up in the sky trying to keep the planet from exploding my best friend is sleeping. I guess he wants to die doing what he loves. No. Then he'd have a slice of ham in his mouth...and sleeping. Ronica looks up and sees me and turns the TV off. Milly pauses mid-clap and frowns. She looks just like her mama.

“Its over?” Ronica asks.

“No” I say. “I am buying some time. I thought of something while I was up there-”

“Then do it” she replies. “Whatever it is.” I look at Milly. “And doesn't involve our daughter.”

“It does...kinda” I say. “No, she stays her with you and the fun adventures of Kissyfur. When I found her-”

“Fighting aliens in the sky.”

“-she was blinking a bunch of colors. She managed to take down a bunch of their ships even though they got me with one blast. Judging from her outfit they zapped her but she didn't go down. I think it was the colors.”

“What?” Zazz asks.

“Oh, you're here?” I ask. “Welcome to the party, Juicy Fruit. One of the names the alien leader, who is smoking hot by the way in person, said I was called was Milky Way's Flamingo.” Aimee laughs. “Thanks. Anyways, I am known for brightness. Color. Loudness. I went to face them in some pretty plain ass clothing.”

“I remember” she says. “I complained.”

“Turns out you were right” I say. “I was an easy target.”

“And probably underestimated them” Ronica adds.

“Yeah, yeah, and that too” I sigh. “So maybe they were not able to take down Milly cause she was pure colors. They could not hurt her because they could not focus on her. I need to wear the loudest shit I own.”

“That's your big plan?” Zazz asks. “Changing clothes?”

“Pretty much, yeah” I say. “I know it sounds stupid but so does a lot of other things. Like, why would Batman build his secret base right under his own house? Why wouldn't Spiderman charge the city for protection and get some cash so he ain't always broke? Superman could be like some kinda super soldier or something but instead he is a stupid reporter that barely makes money and chooses glasses for a disguise. And it works! It friggin' works!”

“I do not understand” Aimee says.

“Look. Sometimes the easiest way to win is by doing something stupid” I say. “I beat that alien X a while back by cupcaking it.”

“You did fart in its face good” Ronica agrees.

“Thank you, some support” I say. A rumble happens in the sky. Guess I am taking too long. “I'm gonna go change and kick a bunch of ass.” I kiss Ronica. Kiss Milly. Foreign kiss Aimee. Then I stick my tongue out at Zazz. “You and I are gonna have a long talk about commonality.”

“I think you mean confidentiality” he says.

“'I think you mean confidentiality'” I say back. “If I die I'm gonna haunt the shit out of you and ghost me won't be able to catch you when you're falling.”

“Now I got that old song in my head...” Ronica says.

“Pretty Poison was a good singer” I say and zoom upstairs.

I grab a yellow and green striped shirt. Bright blue jeans that are so tight you can count my coins. And by coins I mean my balls. I slide into some red sneakers and complete the look with pink wristbands. I look like shit which means it should work.” I fly downstairs and pose. The room erupts in laughter. Even Milly laughs. Ronica takes a picture.

“This is gonna make your mom happy” she says as she sends the picture. “You look like a rainbow fell down the stairs.”

“You look like a bag of candy” Zazz adds.

“You look like a bag of milk” I say.

“Wain-boo” Milly says and holds her arms out.

“Yes, daddy is definitely a rainbow” Ronica says. I slide on some purple shades and smile.

“Pretty” Milly and Aimee say at the same time.

“Now if you'll excuse me I have a planet and possibly the universe to save. Love you all. See you soon.”

As I head into the sky to face a race of creatures that beat me less than a week ago wearing an outfit that looks like I got dressed in the dark I am nervous. Actually I could see this in the dark. This is one of those times where I should have picked a damned costume to wear, like, years ago. A cape, gloves, boots, something. Instead I am going to save the world looking like Don Flamenco on a Saturday night. I stop a few feet away from Mother Bird and she is baffled. That look quickly changes as it starts to sink in. She realizes what Milly did and what I'm about to attempt. And she ain't happy.

“Charge the weapons.”