Johnny Panic: Distant

“This is stupid. Why should I have to distance myself socially? Don't the government know who I am? Besides. They couldn't stop me if they wanted to. I got powers.” There is some weird ass virus going around and everybody is freaking out blaming the internet and aliens. I know for a fact it is neither of those things because after the last ass whooping I gave we should be alien free for at least three more years. Hopefully by then I'll develop another superpower. And the internet has never done anything wrong so there's that.

Hello.

My name is Johnny Panic and I do not have the cure to this disease. Or do I? You'll never know.

“You're the worst” Ronica says while bouncing Milly on her lap who is giggling like a lunatic. I think our baby is broken. Bouncing on a lap can't be that much fun. Could it? I'm gonna try it later. With Zazz.

“Why am I the worst?” I ask her.

“You are literally getting dressed as you complain about not being able to go outside” she says. I drop my pants.

“I didn't notice” I reply. “Maybe I just wanted to look cute for you” I say as I slowly continue putting my pants on. “I have a theory.”

“Oh, no.”

“What if this has something to do with the Kardashians?”

“Excuse me?”

“You know I never liked the looks of any of them. Even when they pretend to be good that can't because they are super evil deep down inside. Even when they first premiered I knew something was up.”

“What are you even talking about?” Ronica asks. Even Milly looks confused.

“You know what I'm talking about” I say. “The ones with the faces.”

“Do you mean the Cardassians from Star Trek?”

“That's what I said.”

“No, you said Kardashians as in that family.”

“That explains why Milly is looking at me like that...”

“Or because you put your pants on backwards” she says. I look down and it looks kinda cool. “No.”

“No what?”

“You are not leaving the house with your pants on backwards. And you're sure as heck not leaving the house. Period.”

“Grr...”

“What's so bad about staying here with us anyway?” she asks. “We moved to this island because you wanted to distance yourself from people anyway, you freak.”

“You fweek” Milly says and laughs.

“But that was on my terms. Its different.” I take my pants off and float to the ceiling and fold my arms across my chest. Milly reaches for me and Ronica lets her come to me. As soon as she's in my arms she tries to eat my hair. “What if I can't even get sick?”

“And what if you can?”

“But...what if I can't?” I have a pretty flawless argument right now.

“For the sake of argument let's say you do get sick.”

“Which I wouldn't.”

“But what if? Who knows what a virus would mutate into with your abilities? You could sneeze and destroy your favorite building.”

“Not the Beverly Hills courthouse!”

“Exactly” she says. Wait. I know that face. She thinks she has won. Someone knocks on the door. “Come in.”

“Why are you on the ceiling?” Zazz asks.

“Why aren't you?” I ask him.

“We're running low on supplies” Zazz says without making eye contact.

“He hungry” I say.

“And you aren't wearing pants” he says.

“Walter wants to go out” Ronica says.

“Of course he does” Zazz sighs.

“What's that supposed to mean, Pepsi Max?”

“You probably think that since you have powers you are immune to this virus but not realizing that even if you are you could still carry it and give it to us” Zazz says trying to be all logical.

“I couldn't have said it better myself” Ronica says. “Can you get down from there? It's making my neck hurt.” I float down so they can see my pout up close.

“What supplies do we need?” I ask.

“Toilet paper” Ronica and Zazz say at the same time.

“That's nothing” I say and grab my pants. “I'll be right back.”

“You really haven't been watching the news have you?” Zazz asks. “People are fighting over the stuff.”

“I have a secret stash” I say.

“Why?” Ronica asks.

“He's a shy pooper” Zazz says.

“Well, excuse me” I say. “I'm not like some people that shall remain nameless that can poop in a crowded room.”

“I was four!” Zazz shouts.

“Yeah” I reply. “Four...teen.” I slip some shoes on. “I'm gonna go grab my toilet paper and come back.”

“Don't touch anyone” Ronica says.

“I won't.”

“And don't go near anyone.”

“I said I won't.” I mess up Milly's hair as a form of petty revenge. “There ain't nobody else here anyway. Boring ass no people having ass island. The only type of people that live alone on an island are super villains.”

“And heroes that hate crowds of people” Ronica reminds me.

“Do you know what its like to have someone record the sound of you farting and turning it into a song?” I ask.

“Yes” Zazz says. “After it happened to you you did it to me.”

“Hey.” I say. “Zazz Azz was a number one hit for two weeks. We could have toured but you wanted to act like a child. You know what my favorite part of the song was?”

“No” Zazz says.

“The part where you gasped after realizing I was recording you.”

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