There's this lady named Gertrude Weaver
who recently celebrated her 116th birthday. That is not a typo. There
will probably be plenty of those later in this. She is officially the
second oldest person alive after some other 116 year old woman in
Japan. She is listed the 11th oldest person of all time because no
one is taking those hundreds of year old people from the bible
seriously. Noah was 500? Come on now. If you ever live that long
you're either a vampire or a wheezing husk. Gertrude, who you know is
old based solely on her name, was born in 1898. You know what was
invented in 1898? The world's worst candy next to black licorice and
root beer bubble gum: candy corn. Also the remote control
(really...?) as well as the vertical filing cabinet. She has had four
children and all of them are dead except for her 93 year old son who
is probably like “Shit. I gotta do this for another 20 years?!”
Her birthday isn't even really on the
4th of July but she is really old so fuck it, right? She lives in a
nursing home now but her first trip was when she broke her hip at
104. For whatever reason when old people break their hips the show's
over. I don't know what it is about hips but when your ass is 60 and
over and your hips get wrecked its time to write a will. Just be like
“Well, I had a good run.” Kinda like back in the day when if you
sneezed your days were numbered.
