Saturday, December 30, 2017

The Seven People You Meet Around New Years


It is almost a new year and when the New Year's comes people get weird as fuck. That is why I have written The Seven People You Meet Around New Years. This is a quick guide to recognizing who is around you at this time of year and you may find yourself in one of these. You probably will. Not me though. Why? Because I'm the greatest man that ever lived and a goddamn national treasure that needs to be respected as such, that's why. Stop asking so many questions. And I stay home. On New Year's I have been to churches, raves, parties, in the streets, and just stayed my Black ass at home. I prefer the last one because I will not bump into any of the things on my list. But if anyone wants to swing on over for a free mustache ride...

The Revisionist


This is the person that pretends that the year was far better than it actually was. All year long all they have talked about to anyone that will listen and posted online is about how many moves they are making and how great the next year is going to be for them. The problem is if you actually know the truth it is that they are in exactly the same place that they were the previous year or maybe even worse. These people are dangerous because they confuse inspiring with false bravado. Did you know that chemicals in your brain don't know the difference between doing a good job and being congratulated for a good job you tell people you are going to do?

The Sad Sack


This one spends the days leading up to and after New Years upset that they are alone at midnight and will not let others who are not enjoy the fact that they managed to find someone enjoy themselves. You usually invite The Sad Sack to a gathering and immediately regret the decision. They will get wasted and go full Festivus on your ass airing their grievances. This was the worst year ever. Black Plague? Nah. This previous year was the worst ever. Did they lose their job, a loved one, or get the cancer? No. They just hate politics but refuse to find anything more interesting to talk about at gatherings. The previous year was bad, the next one will be worse, and years later they will wonder why no one invites them to parties anymore. Except you. Because you “feel bad for them.”

The Trouble


This person did not get their shit together all year long and do not plan on starting anytime soon. Just when everyone else is planning on becoming a better person because of a calendar this one is like “Fuck all that. Let's get shit-faced!” This one rolls into the year with a hangover and a bunch of regrets from the previous night. “Why is everyone mad at me?” they ask. It might be because you shit on the cat and then called everyone in the room the N-word. There tends to be a person like this at many gatherings and it is usually the one that never gets to leave the house so when they do they get too turnt. Likely suspects tend to be housewives, fathers with too many children, young 20's that grew up with too many restrictions, and the always sad mid-30's with no self control.

The Fox On The Run


What is your name? Don't matter. It's time to bone down. This one will be damned if they start the New Year with their draws on and will find anyone to have the sex with. Some years they don't act this way...because they are dating someone. Otherwise any port in a storm. They will not be heading into the next work week without a story about having all of the sex with someone whether it is true or not. Some men refuse to have their dicks not wet and someone ladies have legs like reverse bear traps. Think about it. It'll make sense in a moment. The closer that clock gets to midnight the stronger the urge to climb on something warm becomes. It's in the eyes. Be careful of these folks. They take selfies while kissing.

The Hunter


This is usually someone that you used to date or made the mistake of boning that one time and it is the end of the year and they want one more taste of honey. They are almost like the Fox on the Run but there is history attached. The problem with this is that they can easily trick you into thinking that you two have another shot at something. You don't. You broke up or stopped seeing each other for a reason. All you'll be left with at the end of the night is regret and another broken resolution. Speaking of which...

The Resolutionist


We get it. We do. New Year comes around and people want to change. They wanna lose weight, get in shape, quit smoking, quit drinking, eat better, be more patient, nicer, whatever. Everyone got something they wanna stop doing or do more of. Know what though? No one wants to hear it. Know why? Everyone got shit they need to take care of themselves. The last thing they want to do is tell the world what they plan on working on. But The Resolutionist has no problem posting about it, talking about it, and screaming it from the mountains. They are gonna be such a better person you won't even recognize them by the end of the coming year! Yeah. We will. Calm you shit. Just do what needs to be done. People tend to let you know when they notice something different. “You notice Janice isn't shitting on cats anymore?”

The Level Head


This person is not doing any crazy shit for New Year's. They might go to a gathering with you and not drink. I mean, who even does that?! This person. They are going just to hang out or make sure that your dumb ass doesn't get so drunk on fermented wheat and fruit that you decide to hop into a vehicle and kill someone. This is not someone that is trying to keep others from having a good time like The Sad Sack. They are the opposite in that they want everyone to enjoy the evening and get home safely. These are not party poopers. This is the person making breakfast the next day while you are in bed looking like a husk and promising yourself that you won't do this ever again. And they'll be there for you when you do it again next year.

Click here for previous The Seven Posts.  

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