Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Cowering

This was written over a two three year period.

You should probably grab a drink. This is gonna be a long one. I've been trying to figure out when I became such a coward. I was listening to a podcast earlier today (Duncan Trussell's Family Hour) and the topic was running from love. Having a fear of being loved. Fear of being rejected. The usual. Now, if you had asked me before I listened to this if I were afraid of love in any form I would've have told you no and thought you were a silly person. But here I am hours later asking myself “What am I afraid of?”

Am I afraid of being rejected? Yes and no. The no part I can say quickly because if that is the answer then I will just deprogram myself and move on with my life. I have been rejected in many forms my whole life not just by girls I have liked but by family, jobs, and friends. But then there is the yes part. That part of the rejection goes deeper than I'd like it to because I do like someone right now. I have actively tried not to for the last few months but its been harder and harder to do it. Go to sleep, there she is. I wake up she's the first person I think of. And the reason why I am afraid of being rejected by her is that being rejected by her will not just represent being rejected by this one beautiful female human.

Its a rejection from women like her.

I've never dated someone like her. Never knew anyone like her. You know how you meet someone and you think “So and so reminds me of so and so I used to know”? This isn't one of those situations. The first time I saw her I liked her but me being me did absolutely nothing about it. Even years later I didn't. She was dating. I was dating. She was single, I was single but not in the right frame of mind to date anyone. I almost didn't want to be if that makes any sense. Some people say they will look for someone when they have the right job, the right place to live, or get their shit together. Not me. I think “I am too fucked up and keep making bad choices with women so I'm gonna stay single.” And I have. I have been single for three years now and in that time have figured out a lot of random shit about myself and the choices I made with women I dated as well as what I'm not doing again.

I'm not doing the long distance thing ever again. Never. Again. Did it two times and that shit is the worse. I'm not dating anyone with kids. At my age that shit becomes hard. I told my friend that if the kid was younger than 7 years old then maybe because I can still mold them and they aren't in that “You aren't my daddy!” stage. And if they are they are old enough for me to sass back and be like “Your daddy ain't here but I am!” Wa-pow! I'm kidding...publicly. No more father issues. Done. Not taking the blame for shit I didn't do. Also, no more ugly chicks. Been there done that. I've said before that all that matters is that we can talk. The rules have changed! I can't pick a hair color or say big ass or anything. Just be not ugly. Sounds mean but fuck it. I'm being honest.

Funny thing is I already know what I like and want and hope she has even some small interest in me. If she doesn't I'm not quite sure of what I'll do. I'm not gonna be mad. Probably sad for a bit but I'll get over it. Figure out what to have for dinner and continue to persist with this life. But it'd be super cool if she even said “I like you a little.” Sounds pretty pathetic when its in words right on the screen in front of me but its the truth.

In a past dating post I expressed fear at losing this friend because she found out I liked her. I don't think she'd stop talking to me because I liked her unless I started perving on her which I never have. But I'm not afraid of it anymore. I won't lose her. If I did by saying “I'm in love with you” then I guess that's it. I tried. I stopped being a coward and made an attempt to love someone and she didn't want what I was offering. 

One of my biggest worries is being changed. I've talked about this in some form in previous post like how people claimed to love me but wanted me to be someone else. This person doesn't seem to want that and actively encourages me to do more and better things even when I rebel against it. Albert Einstein had a quote that said “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” But I have changed. I just change slowly. My diet has changed. If you told me how much better shape I am in and my weight a few years ago I'd call you a lying liar that lies. She's a part of that.

Even as I sit here and read this over again I keep asking myself why have I been so afraid over the last few months to say anything. I make up reasons. I know that. And I am very good at it. I will say she is too busy and doesn't need me piling this on her. That she has better things to do than hear about the fact that my strange ass is in love with her. That she is going to be far away from me. That I'm not her type because she has never dated a guy like me to my knowledge. And there's the fact that she, as far as I know, never shown any interest in my Black ass. But I am bad at noticing that kinda stuff.

I'll end this long, rambling, possibly not gonna be posted blog with a line from Duncan Trussell that hits close too home for me and something that I am very guilty of. “There is nothing more cowardly than not letting yourself feel.”

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Months later...

I did it. I told her how I felt. She did not feel the same way and I am okay with that. A few people I talked to before and after this were sad and/or upset for me. I was asked if I would be fine. Could we still be friends. Of course. Each night my cousin would ask “Did you tell her?” and I would keep saying that I had not and felt like an ass because of it. We are still friends and have hung out many times since then. After I told her how I felt, which took way longer than I wanted, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Not in a bad way, but the feeling of liking someone that much and not saying it made me feel like I was living two lives. 

But then a month and a half later I ended up in another relationship.

Yeah. Figure that out. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. I guess you'd call it dating. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. We weren't friends yet. No sleeping with other people. It was a feeling out process that turned sour and was over and done after being around each other for a total of perhaps nine days over a one month period.

I broke a lot of rules for myself by even getting into her. She was a really cool person but ended up behaving exactly like the type of person that does what she does and wants what she wants for a living that made me say that I wouldn't date someone like that. This is not a knock on her. I was into her but it didn't work out and I do wish her the best in her future endeavors. For now I am single and doing fine with it. I would rather continue to be single and be sure of it than seeing someone and not sure of anything.

A year later...

Ever since I wrote that the person that I was seeing for a few weeks has been married, divorced, and arrested. Yeah. Bullets be getting dodged in Dantania! Not to say that I would have been arrested or anything, but that amount of drama is so not needed in my life. The friend that I ended up falling in love with is still my friend and everything in that regard is going amazing. Wouldn't change any of it for the world. Do I still love her? Yes. She's awesome as fuck. Am I still in love with her? Not really. There are flashes of it that get smacked down into a hole by reality. And I am okay with that.

In other news I have been in contact with three previous ex girlfriends in this time. Nothing romantical happening in any of the cases. Just all three of them expressing regret that things did not turn out better between us. It gave me a sense of closure in some ways that I liked because with two of them I thought we would never speak to one another again. I should be more specific with this.

One is from decades ago. We have been in touch over the years randomly and then she would disappear for a while and then return. We hooked up a few times but then she'd be gone. I was used to it and never hurt by it. Just confused because she would say she wanted to be friends and together but her actions would show that to not be true. She is a good person and if she got certain things in order I have no doubt that by now we would have been married or something dramatic like that. She is a creative person which I like but she seems to have a problem with keeping things in order or completing things which is something I am very good at and brings me joy. Finish something, move on to another. Sounds simple but folks have problems with it.

The other was one that lived far away and was cool as hell when she was cool as hell but when she was not was super hard to understand. We talked for a few weeks and she mentioned coming to see me but that never happened and I am super okay with that. It was funny when she told me that she had recently gotten out of a two year relationship and asked me about my love life. I was like “Uh...I saw someone for three weeks.”

Another was one I had not seen in about seven years. We got in touch out of the blue and hanging out was actually nice. Had dinner, watched people skating, talked. It was nice but she suddenly cut off contact the same way she did another time so my brain went into full on “Oh, fuck this chick” mode. I tend to wish nothing terrible on ex's and hope they find someone who can deal with their bullshit or love them. With this one I hope she grows up and that is weird coming from someone that does teenage activities for hobbies.

Months later...

I ended up having crushes on three women at the same time. Yeah. I know. And they weren't even celebrity women! This wasn't a Rosario Dawson, Sofa Vergara, Scarlett Johansson situation. I liked all three of them for different reasons and talked myself down for three different reasons. Out of the three there is one where things could possibly work out and be awesome as hell but I am fearful of wasting her time so I just keep my feelings to myself. Yeah, I know how this post from damn near two years ago started.

Weeks later...

After some careful consideration I am super glad that I have not acted on any of the crushes I had. Out of the three the feeling is gone for all of them and it is very relieving. After some conversations and some not contact I seriously would have made a bad move letting any of them know that I had even the smallest of crushes on them. Not that they would have been horrified. Maybe one of them would've been. But two of them would have not been upset. One probably would have been flattered but not interested. One of them I liked for her mind and the other for her body. The third it was both but, like, 80% her mind. I don't know and it no longer matters. Crisis averted.

A month later...

Super into one of the crushes I mentioned above and I've hung with her a few times wishing it was just the two of us on a couple of them. Not for any sexy time stuff but just so I could get a chance to talk to her alone. She is always busy so that helps with having such a crush on her. I've been trying to figure out why I like her the way I do and can't quite explain it other than saying her face makes me happy. We had a talk where she said that she talked herself out of liking me. I was super flattered that someone I like this damned much even entertained the idea of being with me. Though I am still trying not to have a crush on her and imagine what it is like to kiss her neck I'm not trying as hard as I should.

Less than a week later...

Well that is completely done. After a conversation she reiterated that the two of us would not work out and I am fine with it but a small part of me thinks that she is not as much as she says she is. I am not the type of guy to try and force someone to like me or use some tactics to test her out so I'll just let this one fade into the darkness.

Months later...

I have talked to a couple of friends about wanting to be the same. What I mean by that is that I am tired of being different than other guys. I get told “But you're different...” or “I mean other guys, but not you...” meanwhile they date those other guys and those guys get chances. I don't even get a small chance. I just get told that I am not like them and that is a good thing. How good is it when no one wants to take a chance on me?

The saga continues...

I think I am close to finally wrapping this long ass blog post up and getting on with other things. At the moment I currently have no one interested in me. On New Years I met someone that I'd met previously and for a second my brain thought “Hey, dude. You should try...” and I told it to shut up and silenced the thoughts with the coming together of chicken and rice. I had a flash forward moment of trying to even go on a date and talk to this person who is super guarded. I mean, she has some reasons to be but as much as I like to exercise patience there are some things I don't have patience for and one of them is chipping away at someone. In the past I have chipped and found some terrible shit underneath. Just be open. Maybe I am jealous of sneaky people or guarded ones.

I still have a crush on someone that does not like me the same way and it is so set in stone that it is almost funny to me. Almost. Not quite. Maybe in a few months it will be. I don't even really look like that photo at the top of this post. I have more tattoos and have started exercising almost every single day. Friendships are still intact. I think I have made one more new friend. Currently working. Still no cell phone or car. I just work, do what I enjoy when home, see friends and talk when I can, and exercise. Seems to be working on pretty well except for the whole no one wanting to kiss me part. 

A month and a half later...

I think it is about time to finish this blog up. It has been a long, strange few years looking back on how I've felt about a few women and which ones I still feel a certain way about. Meaning one. I'm not into a few women or have crushes on a couple. Just one. I say crush but it is more than that but to even start calling it more than a crush I'd be admitting I am way into her and since I know she doesn't feel the same way I am protecting myself from being hurt. Yay, brain! Still not sad that she isn't into me like I am into her but still feel good that someone like her thought about me that way even for a moment. Means that there is still some hope and that perhaps there is a woman out there that looks at me and doesn't want to change me. Doesn't want to turn me into someone I am not. Just wants me to be me...but better. That'd be cool. If you made it this far thank you for reading my rambling ass thoughts.

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