Click here for previous Rehab.
This is my moment. I think. Right? This
is my moment of redemption. If this were being filmed everything
would go in slow motion. I would lock eyes with Softy. She locks eyes
with me and mouths “I love you.” The other guys on the ground
would slowly lift themselves up and form a human shield around me.
Music in a language I don't understand would start playing and the
Marines would drop their balls and start slow clapping for me. Mr. W.
Scott would drop his clipboard and walk over and hug me.
In reality what happened was not as
inspiring.
The first ball missed me because I
suddenly developed the ability to do jazz splits. My dick reminds me
that a receipt for that will come later. The next ball missed because
I tipped to the side. The next ball was launched by a Marine who did
some parkour nonsense and hurled the ball so hard I heard it. It hit
me in the chest spinning me into the wall. Just as I gasped another
ball hit me, guess where?, right in the dick. I spun and now I was
facing the wall. I lost count of how many balls were hitting my back.
I next woke up laying in bed with an ice pack on my face and crotch.
Saucy was sitting at the edge of my bed holding ice to his nose.
“Did we win?” I ask him. He
chuckles. “You can tell me, coach.”
“I don't think they have created a
name for how bad we lost” he says.
“How is my wife doing?” I ask.
“Oh, that's right” Saucy says. “You
were knocked out and moaning like a whale in heat and missed the rest
of the show. Well lemme tell ya. First she ran over to you and one of
those Marines tackled her. Then the Marine started screaming because
she was biting his shoulder. Another one rushed to help and slipped
in vomit. Blew his damn knee out. All hell them broke loose with
people trying to climb the wall. That scary looking girl ripped her
shirt off which distracted the rest of the Marines. Mr. W. Scott
slammed his clipboard down and everything went dead silent and now
here we are.”
“I always miss the good shit” I
say. “One day I missed school and Rerun from What's Happening?
showed up and a cat got loose in the hallways during a fight between
the lunch lady and the vice principal. I think I need a new ice pack.
This one has a hole in it.”
“No it doesn't” Google says as he
enters the room with an ice pack on his jaw and a bottom tooth
missing. “You just pissed yourself.”
“I'm afraid to look at my dick” I
moan. “It probably looks like a purple potato.”
“Or grape” Saucy says. I look at
Saucy and that big ant is standing over him resting its hand on his
shoulder.
“Okay, I'm gonna just put this out
there” I say. “There is a big ass ant standing right over your
shoulder, Saucy. And he has not spoken to me but I can tell by the
look of its eyes that it is judging me.”
“That's not good” Google says.
“He needs some milk” Bing says
while entering my room on crutches.
“No, he needs alcohol” Google says.
Saucy gasps. “I'm not suggesting we give it to him but he is
suffering from delirium due to lack of alcohol. He shouldn't be in
this place.”
“I can help with that” Joseph says
from the doorway holding the back of his head and staring at Saucy.
“You used me as a human shield.”
“Yeah” Saucy replies.
“Well played” Joseph says and walks
away.
“He just talked to a homosexual
without making an insult or threatening violence” Google says. “I
think he's making progress.”
“I like to think we all are” I say.
“In this crazy world we all need to learn to accept one another for
who they are because at the end of the day I didn't come here to make
friends. I came to win.”
“Are you just quoting reality shows?”
Saucy asks.
“Maybe” I say. “And can someone
please tell that ant to stop jumping on the bed?!”
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