Captain America Dick Pics

When Captain America shows his might diiiiiick, all those that look at his dick get siiiiiick! James Weldon Alton, 29, of Florida who spends his time working at Universal Studios decided that sending dick pics to a 16 year old girl would be a good idea and got his dumb ass arrested. He got a felony charge of transmitting harmful material to a minor. He trolled the internet for pictures of himself and saw this girl and got in touch with her. The girl told police that they started as friends and like most friends he decided to send her a picture of his Winter Soldier. Hey. Don't judge. That's what good friends do. But not when your friend is 16 and you're 29 and dress as Captain America for a living! After she told him that she was 16 he still decided that sending pictures was a good idea and sent text talking about jacking off and that he was “getting into her.” Her dad found out about his HYDRA after talking to his daughter. Could you imagine Cap getting his ass handed to him by an angry father? I think we just wrote the next film!

What's red, white, blue, and needs a shield? This guys dick if I were this girl's dad. Cops asked Alton why he kept doing nasty shit after finding out she was 16 and he said that he “chose to disregard this because at times he thought it was a joke or that it was all just merely an online flirtatious relationship.” Yeah. That's how chicks flirt nowadays. By pretending they aren't legal. That's the oldest trick in the book. Which book? The “How To End Up In Jail Crying Into Your Hands” book. After checking his Instagram police saw that he had commented on two other young girl's pages. This loser just sits around hunting for pictures of himself so he can later send pictures of his Agent Of SHIELD. I can do these jokes all day. Alton has been suspended by Universal Studios after his arrest. Not fired? Anyone that sends pictures of their Red Skull to young girls needs to be in more trouble than that.  

Captain America Creator Joe Simon Passes Away

The co-creator along with Jack Kirby of Captain America, Joe Simon passed away this week at the age of 98. I really need to stop writing these obituaries for creators. Known as one of the best artists and writers of all time, his contribution to the comic book medium is felt even to this day. He gained notoriety during what is known as The Golden Age of comics. I watched a documentary about DC at the beginning (known as National then) and it is amazing the impact comic books had on society at the time.

Captain America aka Steve Rogers was a weak man given the ability to transform his outer self to match the inner spirit within him. And his inner spirit was more patriotic than the President wrapped in the American flag and singing the Star Spangled Banner and National Anthem at the same time. What I mean to say is that he really loved his country. Armed with a shield and a pistol he whipped Nazis and even managed to sucker punch Hitler right in the face.

The spirit of not only Captain America but Joe Simon lives on today with the live action film, cartoons, toy, and dozens of other items. If you see someone with a blue shirt with just a white star in the center you know who it represents. I own a Captain America shirt drawn in the old style and love it. Next year he will once again appear in the Avengers film. To be able to create something that is still known and represented 70 years later is a great testament to Joe Simon’s imagination.

Jeremy Renner Is Ruining My Life

The creepy, wall eyed son of a bitch Jeremy Renner is trying to single handedly ruin my movie going experience. I’m not kidding. This dude is to acting what Kim Kardashian is to porn. You hear how great they are until you actually see them. Have you seen him act? I saw The Hurt Locker. I want every second I spent watching that filmed abortion back. Now he’s going to ruin not one, not two, but three franchises! The Bourne movies, Mission Impossible, and The Avengers. Come on now! What’s the worst thing about all of this is that he’s going to play Hawkeye. And we all know that he sucks. Hawkeye is Marvel’s answer to Green Arrow who was created about 23 years prior. He shoots arrows and stuff. Some of them even have, like, stuff in them. As if that isn’t a big enough bite off of Green Arrow who dates a chick named Black Canary, Hawkeye married a dame named Mockingbird. In the new Avengers movie you will have Thor, a god of thunder. Iron Man who created a badass suit to fight crime. Captain American who survived being frozen for decades and came back to life to fight. The Incredible Hulk…who is played by Mark Ruffalo. He sucks too but this isn’t about him. And Black Widow played by ScarJo who thanked us for being fans by posing nude. What has Hawkeye given us? A lot of nuffin'. Renner showed up in Thor for a cup of coffee. For a guy playing a character who has the ability to shoot stuff good he didn’t shoot a damned thing. He was like “I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna totally arrow this guy!” I don’t know what the adjective or past tense of arrowing is. And “arrowing” is not a word, kids. But for reals, he didn’t shoot his arrow. And his bow is one of those crazy ass ones that you have to load like a musket. It takes forever. Please. Can someone stop Jeremy Renner from ruining my life? I’ll give you a high five.