Disclaimer: What happens in this tale is not real. I don’t know anyone that has ever beat off to one of these horrible commercials. Maybe you do but not me. And if you do you probably shouldn’t talk to them anymore because they need all kinds of serious help.
This morning I caught my brother masturbating to a commercial that featured starving children. Here is a transcript of what occurred. I have not altered this in any way. These are his actual words.
Me: What in the hell are you doing?!
Him: Don’t people knock anymore?!
Me: What are you watching? Is that…? Is that a starving children commercial?
Him: Yeah, so?
Me: What kind of sick freak jack offs to hungry ass kids?!
Him: Don’t judge lest ye be judged yourself, man!
Me: Oh, don’t bring the bible into this. This is one of the last places the bible wants to hang out.
Him: Like you’ve never done anything like this.
Me: Hmm, let me think. No. I haven’t. I have never woken up and thought about beating off to hungry kids. I’m reporting you.
Him: Reporting me? To who?
Me: The Humane Society. PETA. AARP. I don’t know! After this I don’t know if I can even talk to you again. This is really fucked up.
Him: Whatever.
Me: That’s all you have to say? “Whatever”? There is no “whatever”, dude. I cant even begin to imagine what goes on in that sick little mind of yours. Hungry kids? Really?
Him: Its not as bad as it looks.
Me: That’s what guys that get caught giving hand jobs in rest stops say! Was it worse than it looked because to me it looked pretty damned bad!
Him: Look…
Me: You know how much work goes into masturbating? Its not like you’re a chick and can just rub your legs together like a cricket and get off. You need time, lubrication, an idea, and something to clean up with. What were you gonna clean up with? Scripture?
Him: Now wait a second…
Me: Why, are you almost done? Put your cock away. Mom says breakfast is ready. But you are not eating at the table. You are banned.
Him: You cant ban me from breakfast!
Me: I am banning you from all forms of eating near me! Starving children, I swear…
Him: Dude, its not like they can see me or anything.
Me: Oh, that makes it so much better! What kind of stalker ass thinking is that? “Oh, its okay if I cum in the bushes while watching them get dressed because they cant see me! Tee-hee!” Nasty freak.
Him: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve beaten off to?
Me: Don’t try to make this about me. The strangest thing I have beaten off to is nothing compared to this. Change the damned channel! That kid has flies all over his face.
Him: It’s a her.
Me: Oh, sorry. Did I offend your new girlfriend? Sorry, Maria from Guatemala. Why don’t you send her some money instead of whatever the hell it is you’re doing?
Him: I don’t think these things work.
Me: I think your dick disagrees.
Him: You’re sick.
Me: I’m sick? Me? I walk into my brothers room while he is squeezing one out to fly covered children and I’m the sick one? Where the hell am I? Did I wake up in Bizarro World? Is it okay to want to bone hungry kids in this strange new land? Is up down? Left right? Is Melanie Griffith hot here? Tell me, sage!
Him: You’re an asshole.
Me: And you’re something new. I haven’t even thought of a name of what you are. Whatever it is seems strange and scary. I’m going to write a Congressman.
Him: And say what?
Me: I don’t know yet. But I am going to get a bill passed. Get these shows off the air so sickos like you cant get their jollies at the expense of poor children.
Him: These commercials are old though. These kids are in their 20’s by now.
Me: But not in the commercials! That’s like beating off to “Taxi Driver” while looking at Jodie Foster because she’s in her 40’s now. It doesn’t work like that!
Him: When did you become the authority on what is okay and what isn’t?
Me: You really need someone to tell you that it isn’t cool to jack off to hungry kids? Is that what you’re saying? Is this what I have woken up to? Please let this be a stupid ass dream…
Him: It’s a dream.
Me: Shut up! I’m going to go eat. Hopefully I can keep it down. Speaking of down, why are you still hard?
Him: I don’t know. Fine. I’ll consult you the next time I touch myself.
Me: You weren’t touching yourself. That was 2nd degree assault. That wasn’t masturbating. That was a misdemeanor. You make me sick.
Him: Maybe this will keep you from barging in ever again.
Me: Was that your grand scheme?
Him: Maybe…
Me: That has got to be one of the worst schemes ever conceived.
Him: But I bet it works.
Me: You’re giving me a headache right now. You are being so stupid its affecting me physically. Waves of stupid are actually radiating off of you and into me. I am being infected by dumbassness.
Him: There’s no such thing.
Me: Maybe there is. You don’t know. Put your cock away! We could make a commercial for it so you have some new material to work with since what you have is so old.
Him: I hate you right now.
Me: Then my job is done.
Him: Are you gonna tell anyone about this?
Me: Yes. Yes, I am.
