Bird Box Challenge Champion

Have you seen that Bird Box movie on Netflix? My condolences. I have written about the challenges that sweep the world for a few weeks before someone gets hurt, fired from their job, or dies. The current challenge that idiots are doing is the Bird Box Challenge. It is a thing where you put on a blindfold and just try to do things. From the photos and videos I have seen there have been people running into walls. Trying to walk through their own home unsuccessfully, lifting weights, or running. The current champion is a 17 year old girl from Utah that crashed her car while trying this challenge. Yeah. She got into a vehicle, put on a blindfold, and drove a car. The teen was not hurt nor was the 16 year old passenger in the car with her or the driver of the other car her stupid ass hit.

Allegedly she pulled her beanie over her eyes while driving. Police tweeted the image of her car along with the message “Bird Box Challenge while driving...predictable result.” Officer Lyman said “Luckily no injuries. It's just outrageous that somebody would think to do that. The stakes are just way too high to do something like that while you're driving.” This is not something you should have to say to another human. You shouldn't. And I hope this girl is never allowed to drive ever again. “But she is just a kid! They do things like that!” Yeah. Teens o do things like that. You know, hitting people with their cars and killing them. Sure, the guy she hit was not killed or the person in the car with her but it could have easily happened because she decided to do some silly shit like drive a big ass car with her vision impaired. It is reported that her car started veering, she went into oncoming traffic, sideswiped a car, hit a light pole, and then a concrete barrier.

This shit has gotten so stupid that even Netflix had to issue a statement. “Can't believe I have to say this, but: PLEASE DO NOT HURT YOURSELVES WITH THIS BIRD BOX CHALLENGE. We don’t know how this started, and we appreciate the love, but Boy and Girl have just one wish for 2019 and it is that you not end up in the hospital due to memes.”

Do Ya Wanna Touch? (Yeah!)

On Oprah earlier they had this lady talking to young teens about sex. These two 14 year olds in particular interested me. This lady asked them how long they planned on being together. The boys answer was close to 6 months. You could practically hear the girls heart break. She said she didn’t have a time limit on it. This boy could not dig himself out of this hole.

They were sitting there all lovey dovey until then. They were still holding hands but I started using my “Lie To Me” knowledge and watched her body change. She got quieter. She kept her legs crossed. It was bad. At that boys age you have not learned the art of shutting the fuck up and not making situations worse. Next they started talking about what would happen if the girl gets pregnant. Oh, the kid thought that it should be up to them whether or not they had sex. He said adoption (owned!) and would ask the chick if she would keep the baby (double owned!). Then the lady asked if he knew how to use condoms and he kinda got this face like, “What do I look? Retarded?” A little bit, yeah.

Another topic was the encouragement of young girls masturbating. A lot of older women got pissed at that. Mind you, these are the same pent up, pill popping, post partum, spending the 70’s through 80’s high women that loved free love and spread herpes like butter. Its funny how our parents fucked things up so irreparably are now asking why kids are so fucked up. Anyway, they said how we teach boys to masturbate more than girls. I started that shit so late my penis weeps for me. They say it gives girl a better sense of what she likes and has her not have to depend on a guy for satisfaction.

I agree.

This reminds me of the big fight a while back about teaching sex education in school. If parents weren’t talking about it and you didn’t find out about it from a sibling or friends, what option did you have? I am using me as an example. There was no internet when I was growing up. Hell, the internet wasn’t even cool until a couple years after I got out of high school. I heard things from my older brother. I listened to kids in school. There are some things people cant teach though. There was no manual on how to give head or finger a chick correctly (trim your nails and keep ‘em clean, guys).

If this not teaching shit keeps up the way it is you’re gonna have chicks that think they’re Virgins because they only have anal sex. Guys that fuck like rabbits and think they’re the shit. Penises being bitten because girls don’t know what they’re doing. Oh, the humanity! I never had “The Talk” with my parents. They’re like plants to me. When I first had sex I had to just kinda wing it. Yes, it was bad. I wont get into the black condom, the filthy room, or the fifteen minute time limit. Trust me: it was bad.

This was also a shock to me. I always thought that guys couldn’t have bad sex. I had heard chicks talk about bad sex. His dick was short. Too big. Too thick. Too skinny. It was like some sick ass version of Goldiecocks and the Three Dicks. But I thought that once a guy was in there he was all kinds of happy. This reality slammed my brain hard as I struggled with how I felt and wondered if I would ever want to have sex again. Of course I did. Don’t be silly. I hope people get their shit together and start talking about sex more openly. You don’t have to be graphic and talk about how big your shit is or what it tastes like. Just don’t keep it in the sheets the way it has been for so long. Everyone likes to pretend they aren’t sexual when we all are. Just whip it out, folks.

Rockets.