Sunday, July 22, 2012

Dante Saves You: Bad Cop Edition

People know that me and cops go together likes crackers and bubblegum. I have shown you how to defeat the bad guys so now its time for me to teach you how to handle who are supposed to be the good guys: Bad Cops! Now, some of these may seem like they are good cops but after reading this and with my powers or persuasion you will see things my way and probably wonder why you’re sitting there with no pants on.

Police are here to protect and serve but in movies there’s that one cop that just doesn’t give a damn about things like proper procedure and pretty much run around the city shooting at anything that loves and blowing up whatever casts a shadow. Now its time to spread your cheeks and lift your sack!

Freeze Its Dirty Harry!

Look at this surly bastard. In the real world he would be sitting in prison with the very people he hunts down. Since he doesn’t believe in paperwork he will gladly shoot someone while talking about how cool his gun is and making people guess how many times he’s fired his weapon which is totally a form of torture. The higher ups punish him by continuing to employ him.

Why Harry isn't invited to church anymore.

As much as I love vigilantes most of them don’t walk around dressed like a 70’s lawyer and driving cars through shops and stomping wounds to get information. Has he even read anyone their rights? Most of the people that survive his delicious brand of psychosis would end up free because he did everything wrong. How do you possibly combat this type of lunacy?



Don’t be Black. It rarely pays to be a Blacker in movies and this is another case of it. You don’t want to be immortalized as the Black dude that was too busy pissing your pants and sweating like R. Kelly at a Girl’s Scout meeting to count how many bullets this fucking loon fired off. Do you feel lucky, punk? Not really! Not at this exact moment!

"Welcome to Astoria."

Harry grew up in a neighborhood that hated cops so logically he decided to become the very thing he hates. No in a “The law stinks so I’m gonna become a part of it and fix it.” Nope. He says “I’m gonna become what I hate and make things far worse!” He isn’t global so I’d just move out of his jurisdiction. Find the city line and never cross it. Knowing this guy he’d just throw bullets at you from across the street. And they’d kill you.

Freeze Its Alonzo Harris!

This asshole is in Los Angeles and causes so much trouble that his drama started in Vegas follows him around. He is charming and has chicks on the side that he bangs in between drinking, assaulting crack heads, and robbing folks. But seriously, this guy is charming. He can joke about fucking your wife if you want a son and turn it into a lesson that makes you feel stupid.

Poking crackheads is the new burning hobos.

He decides to use a guy he is training for the day as a bullet proof vest while he gathers enough money to pay off the Russians he pissed off. If you manage to not get killed by drug addicts, drug dealers, other cops, or Latinos who ask you if you’ve ever been raped you still have to contend with this prick. What do you do?


Heard "Circus Afro" one too many times.

Skip work for the day. Just stay home when you know this guy is loose. Hmm. Maybe that might not work since he uses Chinese restaurant menus as search warrants. You cant leave the gang members to kill him because he’ll threaten all of them with prison. Fuck. Okay. Just let him take himself out. People like this don’t get to retire. He’ll get killed by being stupid and you will go home and sleep under the bed because you know that the sun will rise and you’ll have to go back to work.

Freeze Its Action Jackson!

In Detroit which until I was in my teens believed was in New York this guy is a cop who is demoted for doing his job. The worst thing you can do is demote a cop for doing their job. Why? Because he is going to do the opposite of what you think he will! His nickname is “Action.” What that means is that he will not just shrug and sit at a desk and pout about the situation he’s in. No. He is gonna fuck shit right the hell up.

When "I declare thumb war" goes wrong.

Look at that smile. You cant even see his face completely and you know that he is having fun beating the fuck out of this guy. The last thing you need is to fight someone who smiles in a battle. A smile is just once removed from a boner. Its science. How can you begin to fight this guy?


There's nothing gay about this.

There’s no reasoning with someone who is hell-bent on being with a heroin addict. He can only learn for himself the error of his ways. And killing a bunch of folks along the way. Sure, the addict is Vanity and she is still hot and oh my god I am Googling images of her and becoming totally distracted no wonder this guy is killing people and banging a junkie no one can think with any form of logic with her sitting there looking the way she does I’ll be back in a few minutes…

Boning fixed any injury in the 80's.

Okay, I’m back. This guy is nuts but he isn’t insane. You can still live in your city and be a decent citizen and manage to not be killed by him. When a cop’s son arm is fuckered by Jackson he replies “he’s got a spare.” And there are rumors about his birth. “Some say he didn't even have a mother. That some researchers at NASA created him to be the first man to walk on the moon without a space suit.” I believe it. I don't know why but I do.

Freeze Its Robocop!

Look at this loser. A dumb cop becomes a dumb robot. After being broken down like a bunkbed you let a fat cousin sleep in he is brought back to life. Why use a terrible cop as the prototype? It doesn’t matter! What matters is that Robocop has birthin’ hips to die for!

Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaah!!!

If I were a kid and saw him I’d shit out my ears with fear. Look at him. That is creepy as hell. That is not the face I would want representing justice but it is and we have to live with it. A glitch killing machine that has acid trips when you hit him in the head. How do you beat this living Nintendo?


"Uh...a little help?"

Take him apart. This is a walking Lego. Or like I mentioned, hitting him in the head does the trick. He is covered in thick ass metal except for his face which no one ever shoots at. I would. One good whack and next thing you know he’s seeing images of his family and crying robot tears and wiggling on the ground like a jackass. Or you could just run. Have you ever seen Robocop run? No, you have not because he cant. He moves at the speed of intention. He even turns slow. But be careful. This asshole with shoot you in the dick.

That. Happened.

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